A
female
age
30-35,
*wilightsollo
writes:so my boyfriend broke up with his girlfriend and now we are together. she still calls him, emails him, shows up at his house. she even goes past boundaries and calls me!she still acts like they are together. she will go from acting like they are together to being a bitch and threatening to ruin his life, and then back to acting like they are together. they have been separated for almost 3 months. shes even gone far enough to follow us places. i dont understand why she cant just get over it! she shows up at his house banging on doors and windows. it stresses me out and it stresses him out. i dont know what to do. every time i see her text him calling him "baby" or telling him she "loves him" i feel down. mostly im afraid he's going to feel like if he goes back to her she'll stop harassing him, and me and he'll leave me. =( any advice on what i should do. i really want to sit and have a conversation with her and try to reason with her but im scared that she wont like that and it could make things worse. hes tried to talk to her and it didnt work.
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female
reader, bobizzle  +, writes (8 November 2010):
OMG i've been dealing with my bf ex girlfriend for over two years and she has a child with him and that makes it worse she calls and pretends there still together its so fustrating he says trust him but its hard cause u think what if he desides to go back to stop all this drama she knows were together yet she continues to try to get him back i've even gone as far as telling him to go back and he says no he loves me and were gonna work it out. ur not alone all i can say is don't let her win if u guys really want to b 2gether its gonna b hard.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): http://www.crisiscounseling.com/Articles/Stalking.htm
Here is an article about stalking and what is not stalking but normal "attempts to repair the relationship", which is what this girl is doing with your new boyfriend.
A quote:
Nearly 90% of all college students who break up will engage in what is called "unwanted pursuit behavior". Pursuit behavior includes writing notes, giving gifts, making phone calls, contacting friends, following the person or intruding in their life. This can border and easily cross the line and become an obsession. What researcher’s find interesting is that pursuit behavior is normal. If Jane dissolves a relationship with Bob, then it is very common for Bob to pursue Jane as a means to restore the relationship. Researchers call this a "relationship repair mechanism." Some people and even the courts mistakenly call this stalking.
For some men and women it is an especially difficult task to transform a deep sexual and emotional bond into a mere friendship. People with traumatic childhoods involving death and loss of a loved one have an especially difficult time. The person being "dumped" will usually have the hardest time because they are either surprised, hurt or they are made to feel like their life and reputation is ruined. Human beings have not found healthy ways to just stop feeling. They act to feel better in the moment and tend to disregard or minimize the consequences and impact of their behavior on others. Drugs and alcohol are certainly not solutions and make matters worse.
So what happens when a woman dissolves the relationship, tells Bob to stop pursuing her, but then she pursues Bob or gives him hope that they could have a relationship? Behavioral scientists say the unwanted pursuit is now "wanted." Wanted pursuit behavior includes writing back, returning phone calls, talking to the person, leaving messages, giving them hugs and otherwise encouraging and rewarding Bob’s pursuit of Jane. Having sex with Bob after repeatedly breaking up is definitely a mistake. Claiming she is the victim after a willing expression of sexual intimacy with a person she claims is stalking her is probably denial. Reporting this to the police that she is being stalked the next day after having sex is probably "false crime reporting."
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A
male
reader, S-Breeze13 +, writes (23 July 2009):
It sounds like home girl has some problems. This stalking behavior is starting to get serious. You and your boyfriend need to tell her off because she's ruining the relationship. Take care of this now before she's brakes into your house with a knife girl!
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A
male
reader, Stephen Stewart Nixon  +, writes (23 July 2009):
 If your "boy friend" was in a long term loving relationship with his Ex 3 months really isn't very long to get over the break up. Clearly his ex girlfriend is hurting very much and rather than talk about stalking and the law perhaps someone should be trying to help her over her loss. If he cared at all about her your "boy friend" should have waited until the dust had settled on the break up before getting involved in another relationship. Some day you might be his ex, how would you like to be treated? People behave in all sorts of strange ways when they are heart broken his ex requires understanding not derision. Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): I hate to say this, but this is something a lot of people do in your age group, they sort of harass and try to force a relationship.
The thing is this really doesn't constitute harassment. And I don't know what the laws are in Canada, but I don't think he would make a restraining order stick as they did not live together at one time (right) and no physical threats to himself or his property has occurred.
I also hate to say that I have been in your shoes before with an ex and if he wanted her gone and out of his life she would be. He isn't just being nice, he is talking to her and answering her texts when you aren't around more than likely and he enjoys the attention and the ego boost of two girls fighting over him.
I really think you need to put it to him this way. I think that if you wanted this ex out of your life she would be, so you take care of it and ask her to stop contacting me and to stop contacting you and coming over. If you want her then let me know, but I did not date you as a "package deal" where she comes along with you.
And then walk away from it. If the situation doesn't improve then you have your answer. I think many girls that do this are being lied to and jerked around by the guy and the other girl is also being mislead into thinking she is just the crazy ex. I have never seen a case of this where the guy wasn't giving her something that she wants, attention, sex, sweet words, friendhship something.
She is not acting on just her own steam, he's fueling the fire...believe me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): Have your boyfriend understand that she is indeed ruining the life you are trying to have with him. You are trying your best to make things work but ultimately he needs to do something about this as well. I don't know if she will ever go away...if she does who knows if she will come back again. I vote for restraining order, this kind of obsession and stalker behaviour is quite dangerous.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): If he really wanted her to stop he would,how about changing his number that would be a start he is loving every second of it boost to his ego
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A
female
reader, princesspayne +, writes (23 July 2009):
i had the sane thing and everyone that has answered is right she is ovoiusly obsessed with him and cant get over the fact that your with him now what i did is i went round to he rhouse and told her to back off and it seemed to work but if thats not your thing then tellyour boyfriend to get a restraining order out on her its the best thing to do good luck thanks for reading.
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A
female
reader, twilightsollo +, writes (23 July 2009):
twilightsollo is verified as being by the original poster of the question he just ignores her when she texts him and doesnt answer when she calls him. hes to nice about putting a restraining order against her. ive tried to talk to him about it many times
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): What does your boyfriend do or say about this? After all she is after him, not you. If she is doing all of this then there is something that is backing her come back and acting this way, and I would think it is your bf trying to be the nice guy.
If he is pushing her away or telling her to get over him, then this is just plain harassment, and you should look into a restraining order.
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