A
female
age
36-40,
*gonyinthebedroom
writes:Here's my situation in a nutshell. Mr X and I have been dating for 12 years. We have never, ever, had good sex (for me). We have sex twice a week, he gets off every time and I get off once every six months only because I am so frusterated at that point that even his lacklustre performance is enough. I have told him more times than I can count "Don't do this" or "not so hard" or "dont grab me like that", yet my pleas fall on deaf ears. He does NOT hurt me in any way, he just fails to give me pleasure. I have tried sitting down with him and explaining the finer points of lovemaking ie; "Honey, you need to get me started before you start turning my breasts like radio dials". I have attempted to introduce lingerie, but that just gets him so excited he is 1000x's worse. When questioning him as to why he can't remember after 12 YEARS that I like slow kisses and gentle caresses down my neck and back (?) he looks at me and tells me that he "just gets so excited, and he just wants it". I assume that means he cant be bothered trying to make me feel good because he just wants to get off. Another major problem is his fixation with getting oral sex. He seems to think its his God given right, and sees nothing wrong with demmanding it and whining when I refuse. I refuse, because he dosent deserve it.The bottom line is I have not been having regular orgasms with him and I am sick of it. I am sick of not being able to enjoy any facet of lovemaking with this man because he is willfully and purpously ignorant. I've tried to teach him, but I swear he wont learn.He is a decent man, not the perfect man, but decent enough. He is just insanley incompetant and selfish in the bedroom. Is it time to move on and cut my losses? Is there any way to salvage this man or is it time to just walk away?Any insight or advice is greatly appreciated.
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breasts, move on, oral sex, orgasm Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): Arent all men were fixated on getting oral ? What else do you do to train him because you cannot nag a guy into being a better lover. If you are as critical to his face as you are on here i'm suprised he's put up with you for 12 years. You should masturbate in front of him. Show him where the magic button is and how to use his fingers like you do. He should enjoy this as much as you. I know i enjoyed it when my second g/f showed my how. My first gf was a liar. One of those ones who didnt do it. Yeah sure. I didnt either. I can think of many ways to improve your orgasm count that wont depend so much on his skills but your own.I cant help wondering why you settle one orgasm per light year. I have more than that a day and i aint even got a partner. Jeez. There is something wrong with this picture.Are you saying you are frustrated but dont masturbate. EVER. If thats the case you cannot teach him and i wonder if your not blaming him unfairly when in fact your own inhibitions may be a part of this problem.12 years is a hell of a long time to stay together if he's as bad as you say and you are as unsatisfied as you say. Also. I am amazed that the constant putting him down hasnt crushed the fragile male ego yet. After 12 years of crap sex he still wants you twice a week. That aint bad. Worse case scenario is you get a rampant rabbit like 99% of women do and thank your lucky stars you have such a variety of toys to chose from because we men love regular BJ.s and if someone invents a toy for that it wont ever say no even if we dont deserve it. Heh heh. I'm working on this y know.
A
female
reader, miss anne thrope + ♥, writes (16 October 2009):
here's an idea, even though it might be too late.
tell him you'll only give him a blow job after he's successfully helped to get you off. that might help him remember to not 'be so excited'.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (14 October 2009):
 SatineDesire. I hate to turn this into a math lesson but if it may mean better sex and it actually fleshes out (no pun intended) your all ready dismal figures why not. You must be using the math women use when they tell a guy how many guys they have slept with. 12 years at twice a year is twenty four orgasm's all told (24). You figured her rates at her getting one once a month no that's 144. Every other month I guess. OK if you didn't flunk high school math I am giving a big red f here.
two times a year 2
at twelve years 12
equals 24 orgasms
sex at 2 per is 1248 attempts
which equals 1.92307 percent
every 100 fly by's you get yours once and almost a second time.
Where's your suitcase.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 October 2009):
 Yikes. 12 years of bad sex? Whoa, you have the patience of a saint!
I know sex is everything to a relationship, but usually if the sex works so does the relationship.
I think he is lazy.
If you intend on staying in this relationship I would STOP telling him what to do SHOW him. DON'T let him "cum" before he has taken care of you. Heck, I'd even make him a bet like if you can make me come I'll give you a BJ LOL
I honesty wouldn't have lasted 12 years with lousy sex.
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (14 October 2009):
 The word Selfish comes to mind and i think you would be surprised at how many women can relate to your problem.
I think after 12 years mind you the penny would drop?
I also think a lot of women just accept that he gets off and your quite happy at times to get it over with!
Not every women wants licked out, but i can understand your frustration at his lack of attempts!
Time for you to take the lead in the bedroom now, maybe it is a good idea for you to climax before him and he doesn't get climaxing till you do if you get my drift?
Good Luck.
Gina
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A
female
reader, satindesire +, writes (14 October 2009):
 Thanks marriedlady, for the follow up on my math. Appreciate it!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): Sorry, "marriedlady", I disagree with your sums - it's worse than that.
If the poster gets off once in 6 months to his twice a week, he cums 52 times to her once.
As a percentage, that is 1.92%!!!
Appalling.
How can you, "agony in the bedroom", have survived for so long?
Do you pleasure yourself in those long, dry periods?
Speaking of which, maybe you COULD give him his blow-job, to quench his claimed over-excitement, then get him to play with you, especially your clit and g-spot, taking his time as he needs to have a refractory period before he is able to cum again and do his duty by you?
If, after having had his BJ, he is no longer interested in any activity and leaves you cold, show him where the door is!
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A
female
reader, marriedlady + ♥, writes (14 October 2009):
 this is totally unacceptable in my books. From the information given, you didnt make the vow, so why are you doing the 'for worse'? To finish the math this is roughly 1 in 17 times...less than 6%. That is inexcusable.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (14 October 2009):
At ya'lls age a guy should be getting a clue. If not for women at large at least for you. Boy, when Double M is right he is right. Even a stopped clock gets it right twice a day. Excitement is part of the excitement. I mean for guys too. He just wants to bust a nut and roll over and watch CSI reruns and fart in your direction. I am surprised you have lasted this long.
If men got out of sex what your average woman does, mankind would be extinct. A woman once asked me what would men do if just about every time we got all cranked up we got put back in the box with out satisfaction. Wouldn't happen because we wouldn't let it. It is a sorry predicament that is a function of biology but it's not THAT hard to get a woman off regularly. If he would throw himself into it, the increased action is just as fun for us.
When I work a girl over I may start thinking about what/where I want start to do what I do but once skin hits skin I am not doing her as much as blending with her. I feel sorry for guys that won't lose themselves in the body of a woman. It's as good for us as it is for you guys. And when I feel it so does a woman.
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A
female
reader, quiet-echo  + ♥, writes (14 October 2009):
 Instead of telling him what you don't want, why not be specific about what you DO want? Tell him it makes you really hot when he touches you here or like this, or softly or slowly, whatever the case may be.
You can incorporate this talk into your foreplay.
Try that approach first, assuming you haven't already. I absolutely don't blame you for wanting to withold certain things, but 'punishing' him will only add bad blood to the mix.
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A
female
reader, satindesire +, writes (14 October 2009):
I compliment your saintlike patience. After 12 days I would have packed my bags.
I guess I'm a bitch. But I digress.
Honey, twelve years. TWELVE YEARS. Let me break it down for you.
From what you've said, you've been trying to teach him how to sexually please you for 4380 days, or 624 weeks. That means, if you're having sex twice a week, he's had 1248 chances to learn how to bring you to orgasm.
One thousand, two hundred and fourty eight chances. Do you want me to repeat it again?
If you get off once ever six months for the last twelve years, that means you have orgasmed a total of seventy two times out of 1248.
Let's see....doing further math on that means...well shit, I nearly failed math in high school, so I can't convert that to percentages right now. Let's just say, he sucks, dump him, and find a man who wants to eat you til you pass out from crying.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM + ♥, writes (14 October 2009):
 Twelve years is a long time to be unsatisfied, considering the alternative if you can find him.
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