A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:me and my girlfriend have planned to have a baby, we both agreed this was something we both wanted, finally it happened 11 weeks done the line she told me she's un sure about it and has arranged a meeting with the doctor about abortions. what am i ment to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): I"m sorry but I am with the ones who say you should fight for your baby's life, and you SHOULD tell her what exactly will happen.
And do you know why? Not just because it is a monstrous thing to do, and she should know what she is agreeing to. But because ...
there WILL come a day when she finds out what was done. And she will be utterly horrified. And if you already knew, and didn't tell her, then that will add a sense of huge betrayal.
People always bang on about 'it is a woman's right' (to kill the unborn baby inside her ?? sounds pretty fxxxxxd up to me!) - ok - fine - but it is ALSO a woman's right to be told EXACTLY what is going to be done.
People think it is horrible to explain the details. Why horrible? Isn't it more horrible to do it? And isn't it more horrible not to tell her, and only let her find out afterwards what she has allowed to happen, when it is TOO LATE?
No, I am sorry. I agree with Cerberus that it might have been better not to have got pregnant now, but now she is pregnant, abortion at 12 weeks is too horrific to contemplate. So make sure she KNOWS what it involves. And ask her not to do it.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 March 2012):
 I'm sorry. In the end whether you like it or not it is her decision. You are both so young and have plenty of time ahead of you for kids. As hard as this decision has been for her to come by, you hope you will support her, she will need it.
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male
reader, themanjackson +, writes (6 March 2012):
Cerberus says psychopath and emotionally manipulative, maybe a little. But you have a right to fight for your baby, think of your own ways to fight. My point was, since she is young and obviously didn't fully accept the reality of a baby when you guys were planning it (because if she did I doubt abortion would be on the table) then she might not be fully realizing an abortion, what it is what it does to all 3 parties involved. People love to say a womans right to choose, well where's your rights? This child is half of you. Research it and since this is a big decision my advice is this: don't take advice from a man or woman who hasn't been through the same situation.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 March 2012):
 You are both very young, she may have realized this and is now thinking about waiting. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to stop her if she wants to go ahead with it. You can only talk to her and try to figure out why she has changed her mind.
Cerberus has some very good insights about this. I think it is a good idea to think more about what plans you had. Were the plans based on love and romance, or were they based on money and stability and a LIFE-LONG commitment to each other? If you have a child with each other, you are bound for life. Even if you break up, the child won't just go away. And if you aren't in each other's lives anymore, she will almost certainly be the one who has to raise the child, alone.
My guess is that since she changed her mind so suddenly, the plans either were sudden or not planned realistically.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): Don't do what that absolute idiot "reader anonymous" suggested. Don't show her sick images of dead babies and other wholly stupid bullshit like that. If you do she'll probably run a mile in the other direction because only a complete idiot would think showing gruesome pictures of death is a nice thing to do to make a point.
If you want to be a slimey, sneaky, emotionally manipulative scumbag then do all that psycho bunny boiler shit like pinning her to ground and shoving a pillow up her shirt then tell her she looks beautiful, be a douche that buys something for the baby like some kind of sociopath trying to enforce his will on her by guilt tripping her to have it, by all means spout all that ripping arms bullshit and talk about doctors using vacuums and all that other shit. Do it and she is guaranteed to not only not want a child with such a weird, psychopath she'll most likely never want to talk to you again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): You are both very young. It is natural that, what looked like a good idea, is now very much a reality and so causing second thoughts . A life long commitment to another being is an enormous issue and for a woman, any career options forever reliant on childcare etc. So she is right to pause and get advice. If you are a solid, ongoing couple you can wait a few years to get yourselves to a position in life where having a baby is the right thing for both of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): Research abortions. They are hard, you'll regret it if you let her go through it. Let her see abortion images, get her to realize the reality of it. At 11 weeks its a fully formed baby, your baby. An abortion now would consist of a doctor vacuuming out your baby piece by piece. I read about it and one Dr said it takes strength because he was literally ripping the baby apart limb by limb. This is your baby not just hers, don't buy that "she has the right to choose bullshit." Also try buying something for the baby. And assure her through your words and actions how special she is to you. Nothing is more important to a woman than feeling special to her boyfriend. Compliment her looks. You know how movies sometimes show a girl sticking a pillow under her shirt to see how she'll look when she's pregnant? Do that to her then tell her how she'll be the most beautiful pregnant woman. Whatever you do, don't give up. You'll regret it, I know from experience ...:(
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): I think after the 7+ weeks she's had to process this she's had plenty of time to decide. There is nothing you can do OP, 18-21 age group tells me that she may have realized she's too young, hasn't even begun to live her life yet and may have planned this baby for all the wrong reasons i.e. just because you love each other.
As I said there's nothing you can do if she really wants to have an abortion it's her body and the final decision rests with her, time is running out to get one too.
OP I'm in my 30's and the only time I purposely bring a child into this world is when me and my partner both have had a good start to our careers, a house and stable financial situation. Can you seriously say you have all those things set up at your age? That there was absolutely nothing you wanted to achieve, nothing you wanted to see in the world while you were free to do so before you made a 20 year commitment to staying in the one place and working one job?
You may have planned this but I have a feeling your plans were mainly based on love and a romantic view of the future instead of the practicalities.
Just talk to her and if she decides the time isn't right yet support her, she'll need your comfort and support should she decide to go through with this OP and if you're ready to make a 20 year commitment to her right now then you can wait another year or two before you have a child with her can't you?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 March 2012):
 This is very distressing for you, as you thought this was going to proceed smoothly and that you would become a father nine months after conception.
With good support your girlfriend will appreciate you even more. She may decide to keep the baby or she may not. It will be a test of your love, respect and acceptance of each other.
You are not a failure if she chooses to not keep the baby. Your relationship can survive this and you can go on to have a another child.
But some wrong moves, such as being overly critical and judgemental - even if her decision is to keep the baby - will play havoc with your relationship.
It is not going to be easy as abortion is a very emotional issue for many people.
Your girlfriend is having serious doubts and this is her right, and she will appreciate your respect, whatever choice she makes, about what is happening to her body and how she is feeling.
I hope she extends you the same consideration and empathy.
She is only seeking advice at this stage and she has a right to privacy and respect for the confidential nature of this major issue, for you and her.
She will really value your ability to be non-judgemental while she examines all the issues.
Some counselling, separately or together will be very important for both of you, as you deal with your feelings and the potential outcomes of these decisions.
In the UK abortions are regularly oerformeds performed up to 18-20 weeks into the pregnancy. Special circumstances affect any potential abortions beyond these time periods.
In the USA abortions are regularly are scheduled up to 14 weeks into a pregnancy.
These the legal abortions which are supervised by qualified medical personnel.
Around 1.2 million legal abortions are performed in the USA annually. And 20 to 30 million abortions are performed annually throughout the world. Legal abortions have a very good safety record.
But feeling very overwhelmed and distressed about making this decision - be it have the baby, or not have the baby is a huge issue to work through.
So you are not alone.
Many men have been in the position you are in now. And many of these men have gone through the many emotions you are going through right now.
If a woman does choose to have an abortion then the woman can have a support person with her during the procedure, and it is best if that person receives counselling to be the best possible support, to ensure that the woman is able to be respected and be treated with empathy.
The Doctor can explain the process and she can back away right up to the last minute. The most common way it occurs today is that the woman is lightly sedated. She can also have an anaesthetic.
The doctor will give her RU-486 or mifeprex or mifepristone. This medication induces the abortion. Afterwards she will be given antibioltics to take, to address any potential infection.
Some further counselling afterwards is a good idea.
But always keep in mind that she may choose to not have an abortion.
And please take into account that her emotions are heightened at this time. She needs your compassion and sensitivity. It is not going to be easy for both of you.
Has she told you why she is feeling unsure? She must have some reasons that have influenced the way she is feeling right now. Is she under any undue stress in any other part of her life? Does she have some personal goals that she wants to achieve before children arrive?
And always remember that she may choose to keep the baby. So this is why she should still be eating healthy. She should not be drinking alcohol nor be dabbling ever with any illicit drugs. Not smoking cigarettes is also a good decision by an intending mother. Is she getting enough sleep? Your girlfriend may also be talking to her doctor about alternatives, to discover what is involved if she does go ahead to have the baby. The doctor may also prescribe things like folic acid (a tablet) and other things to help her stay healthy.
My experiences with pregnancies have well and truly knocked on the head that you have to drink lots of milk for calcium to ensure healthy babies. Since I cannot stand milk I added skim milk powder (more calcium than fresh milk) to all manner of things. Plus I love yoghurt.
I do hope you both have some major good family support. A baby is a huge amount of work and they change lives in a myriad of ways.
Even many potential fathers get very anxious about a pregnancy and the responsibility involved to be a parent for the first time. It is a huge commitment for the rest of your life and especially for the next 20 years after the birth.
My best wishes to you both at this time.
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