A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for about 10 months, but it has been full of drama the whole time, and I don't know if I put up with it anymore or give up, so what do you think? Our story is...we meet online and were friends for awhile before started dating. Before I go into the story, he has bipolar disorder and has had a really rough previous relationship. The first drama involved a girl friend of his trying to kiss him. He deflected her and told me. He then went away to another city for a weekend with a transvestite friend of his and then when he got back he started getting messages about how they slept together etc. He was adamant no way had anything ever happened there - he said 'I thought she was my friend' and cut off all contact since. Then the sex stopped...all this within about 6-8 weeks. Then we went on holiday and he didn't take his meds, and became angry easily. Then he finally got a job and things started getting better, except for constantly lying about not smoking. Then the girl who had previously tried kissing him messaged him saying she was in love with him and had just told her husband. The sex has constantly been low - always initiated by me and turned down probably 80% of the time (I don't have a high sex drive but in the early stages of a relationship and at only 28 I want sex at least three times a week) and it go to being basically stagnant. I kept on bringing it up and let him know it wasn't ok. He blamed it on his meds and past relationships. Sex has caused the majority of our fights. Then yesterday he was being really secretive with his iPhone and closing windows if I came near. I felt suspicious and for some reason decided to look on the dating website we met on - there he was! He reckons it is just to find friends, because he doesn't have any and it is just my friends we hang around with BUT he refused to show me his ad before deleting it. Claims no one had talked to him. He said he deleted it because he didn't want me to see that he hadn't mentioned me - but is so adamant that he is very happy in our relationship. What do I do? My best friends all live far away and my parents don't understand the bipolar thing - I have only been able to talk to his um about it so far and don't know what to do. Is it just the bipolar, or is he just a jerk?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 August 2013):
 He's just a jerk.
Bi-polar ranks right up there with ADD and ADHD in my book so I share your parents' disinterest in it. But even among those who do believe in it, they will tell you it does not cause one to have sex with a transvestite and deny it. It doesn't cause one to sneak around on dating sites behind their boyfriend or girlfriend's back. It doesn't cause them to seek out secret friends and exchange secret messages.
It's lack of character that causes that, not brain chemistry.
Whatever our mental states, whatever our circumstances in life, at the end of the day we all have free will.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (5 August 2013):
Dear OP,
As far as I know, lying to your partner isn't a symptom of bipolar disorder. He may have lied to you about having sex with someone else (transvestite?), he lied to you about smoking and he lies to you about his motives to be on a dating site (who would really want to find friends on a site like that?). That makes it hard to believe the other things he says and to build trust.
The sexual problems might be caused by the medication or the diagnosis, that's true. And you might set expectations for sex that are too high, compared to his health situation.
So, in the end, it might be both: His diagnosis might cause a part of the problems in your relationship, but there also seems to be a part of "jerk-ness" which causes the rest of the drama. I can't tell you what to do, but don't stay with him just because you feel obliged to support him. You can't explain away all his flaws with his diagnosis.
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