A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've being going with a guy for nearly 7 months. We met over facebook. He lives in the same area as me, but I didn't know him.Hasn't being the easiest of relationships. He really gets to me about his facebook habits. He is adding girls all the time, but they are skanky, slaggy looking girls. He adds a few then deletes a few. I have mentioned it to him but he said its girls adding him and I know that's not true. Most of his friends are all girls and they are from all over so I know he doesn't know them.Do you think I should mention this again and does anyone think he is up to something. Guys answers as well please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your time and advice, trust me i am taking this all in and know you are so right. I know what you mean being caught up in a realtionship that you know isnt right and wanting to walk away, but having strong feelings for this person and hoping things will change.The three things that make me turn sour towards him and if im honest really hurt me, is, the adding of girls on facebook (big red flag) that i only see him a couple of nights a week (his choice)and that he spends nights and through the day, on weekends, at this ladies house who is in her 60s infact hes there every day of the week.Sorry another question Cerebus, how do i say something about these things bothering me and get a straight answer from him without it turning into an argument or avoiding the question???These are 3 things i would need to know before I ended it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): No problem ask away. Yeah it sucks, I know the type of person all too well.
I've dated a couple of female versions. The worst part is actually liking them enough to stick around and hope the good parts of their personality will somehow win through or that just maybe it's a phase or they're not really like that or something. It's very easy for me to sit here and say run a mile, it's very easy for you to know that too, it's actually very difficult to do when you're in the middle of it. Because regardless of knowing you have to, which you do, your feelings just won't let you.
First off no, those aren't jokes. I mean come on, you know that they're just thinly veiled attempts at control "I'm watching you", he's trying to keep himself in your thoughts and trying to make sure you're uneasy, asshole. I hardly ever text my girlfriend when she's out and I certainly wouldn't say that kind of thing to her at all, if I did she'd tell me to piss off. She's out having fun with her friends, she'll hardly ever text too, unless she's bored or something mad happened, or she and her friends want a lift somewhere.
The more you say about this guy the worse he sounds OP and that's actually the key to letting go too. The first girl like that I was with was the hardest, not because I was a fool and didn't know that she was bad for me (although I did feel like a fool for staying), but my heart would rationalize things and it convinced me that I could look past those things individually because we actually had some great times together and I didn't want to lose those times. I had to sour my feelings for her, I had to switch them around. You see when she'd ring me out of nowhere asking me why I hadn't answered her text etc. her excuse became that she was worried about me, that maybe something had happened. At the start she was the same as your guy, "joking" about me hooking up. But I called her out on that a few times and told her I was no longer going to answer texts like those, I was out to have fun and I didn't want her texting that crap because I didn't find it funny. So she changed tactics, she kept texting me when I was out only she changed her tone to "are you having fun? anything exciting happening?" The exact same thing OP, just watered down. All about protecting her property, not love.
How I switched my feelings for her was that I stopped rationalizing everything, when she text me like that I saw it for what it was and never thought she was being sweet, and didn't allow my heart to convince me she was. I did that with everything, I began to consider her motives behind everything she said and did. She said she loved me, I knew her love for me was just like a piece of property because that's how she was treating me. When she said I was the best think that ever happened to her, I thought to myself, "I'm the only thing to have happened to you and I'm the only person stupid enough to be treated this way by you, of course I'm the best thing because I'm the perfect bitch, no other guy would put up with your shit for a second."
Everything she said or did became a pathetic ploy in my mind, nothing about her was good anymore and I didn't trust a word if what she said. I analyzed everything she said or did, I found reason to distrust her in everything. I essentially started seeing her in a different light.
The first step for you is to come to a full realization of what this guy is about. I think that's starting to dawn on you, you're not fully there yet, his words still have a way of tugging your heart strings and the idea of another messy break up is not appealing to you at all because of that. You know he has the means to hurt you, you know he will at the drop of a hat and you know he's going to become vicious when you finally do. You don't think you want to deal with that, or that you can't, you will get to the stage where you'll still be with him and hope he'll break up with you, you'll be praying that he'll find someone else and will let you go because you can't do it. You can't let it get that far OP, it's a very bad situation to be in, the longer you stay with this the deeper his claws will be embedded.
That's not a good situation because he will never let you go OP, you're his prisoner, no other girl is going to put up with this crap, no other girl is going to let him control her like this, he knows this full well and he will do his damnedest to make sure you don't leave him. That's the only reason he will fight for you too OP, because if he loved you he wouldn't treat you this way, that's a horrible thought isn't it? That the only reason he will fight to keep you, is not out of any kind of real sense of loving you but that he knows no other girl will let herself be treated that way by him. He knows he'll be alone if you go. You have to realize that this is exactly it, you can't let your heart try and see goodness in him nor let it convince you that maybe he does really love you. Because he only loves you like a pet, if you do what he says, if you stay a good girl then he'll give you a treat, if you don't then he'll slap your nose.
"says 'hope your behaving yourself' and 'are you being good'" Good girl, good girl. I'll give you a doggy biscuit when you get home. I mean come on OP, look at those words, he sounds like a father talking to a teenage girl who he knows is out bush drinking.
The clincher here OP is this, you're worried that he'll make your life hell if you leave, what you have to realize is he's already making it hell while you're staying, an even worse hell because it's sugar-coated. If you don't see it fully yet then read over your question and all the answers again. Pretend it was some other girl that posted it, put yourself outside the situation and really read through all of this again. Get a pen and paper if you want to and write out a list of all the bad things about the guy this woman is talking about and think what you would advise her to do and how you think she should handle it. You'll see that her life is a nightmare already, she's a prisoner, she's slowly being worn down and it's already gotten so bad for her that when he dumped her and treated her very nastily yet she still went back to him. It's very easy to feel sorry for that girl isn't it? She's in a bad way to let herself be treated like that and what's even worse is that she's only really staying out of fear because she knows he will turn into a cunt (pardon the language but it's true) if she does leave. The biggest mistake you could make though is to feel sorry for this girl OP. Just like I don't feel sorry for you, I empathize, I understand full well the situation but you're a grown woman, capable of making her own decisions, capable of unbelievable feats of mental strength (it takes a lot of strength to keep going in a relationship like this) so I can't feel sorry for you because I know you will find that strength at some stage and leave him, just better if it happens soon.
On the practical side, how do you actually leave him and make it as easy on yourself as possible? That's actually the easiest part.
First tell all your friends and family that you no longer love him, that the relationship is over and you want out, tell them the reasons too. That's the easiest part to do and it's essential that you set up your support network beforehand. Believe it or not it's a great dry run too. You may have friends or your mom may even like him and they may tell you to give it another go, he might change etc. But being able to stick to your guns with them and tell them no, not allow them to convince you is a great way of gaining the strength to do the same to him. Wait 'til you see the amount of friends that come out of the woodwork and admit they never liked him and start explaining why, you'll see that many of them will have seen these things in him already, just didn't want to alienate you by putting him down. Do that as soon as you can. Plus you'd be surprised OP, one or both of your parents will have had a partner like him, either that or they'll know someone who has. They can be a great source of info.
Now you met him through facebook, so you can break up with him facebook too. I know it's impolite and you're supposed to do it in person, that's the "proper" way to do it yada yada yada, but in your case it's the best way to do it. You turn off your phone when you do, you don't want to hear some whiny begging little soppy crap you know he will do. If you do this in person he'll just convince you not to, if you let him call you the same thing will happen.
You explain to him that you've been thinking over the past few weeks and you realized you just don't love him. Don't tell him any of the real reasons. Really don't, he'll just come up with some bullshit about "changing" and you're heart will so want to believe it that may give him another chance. When he tells you he loves you with all his heart remember he loves you like a dog, when he says he can't live without you remember that he's just trying to emotionally blackmail you. Tell him you don't want to be friend for a while, that you need time to get over him and if he loves you then he'll respect that. He won't though OP, he'll try and use the "I will fight for you out of love" ploy. He'll hound you and pester you. But as long as you maintain that you just don't love him, there's nothing he can do to make you love him and you've tried your hardest to love him but know you never will, then he'll have to accept that. You thought you did, but realized you never did and you know with all your heart that it just wasn't meant to be.
Prepare all this beforehand, have a plan and set a time/date. Set a day to do it and organize a session with your girly friends, a break up day. Organize meeting up with them so they can console you, a movie night with ben and jerry's and a bottle of wine or something similar. Or you could organize it before you go on holidays, then you can use your holiday and the fact there's no chance you'll see him to get over the worst of it.
On that day turn off your phone, let your friends know if you're going to turn your phone off for a couple of days and to contact you through the house phone or on facebook. You'll have to go back to the stone age for a couple of days and actually organize events without your mobile. Tell your parents, brothers sisters etc, that if he calls you're not there. Then you do the deed, on facebook. You let him know you don't love him, it's not up for discussion that you're breaking up with him and there are no come backs, maybe in the future you can be friends but right now you need to stay away from him, tell him you're going to block him on facebook for a while because you need to get over him. Then you block him on facebook, you block his email address too. That's it then OP. You cut off all contact and you never respond to his calls or texts. Never. You may think all of this is a bit cruel but it's not you have to protect yourself, you have to get out of this situation and if he tries to talk to you when you're out you ask your friends to stop him, you say to your friends that you don't want to talk to him and please keep him away from you if they see him. You surely have some friends that would gladly do that.
Above all know that you have to, you will have to eventually and realize the sooner the better. You can't take the risk of this relationship breaking you, you can't take the risk that it will turn you bitter because it will OP, you'll lose your faith in men, in yourself, in your ability to love or to be loved and it will take a long time to rebuild, you can't lose yourself in this, you can't let the happy go-lucky you be destroyed by him, you have to get out and get out now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for that article Cerebus, that was a bit scary reading that. He doesnt have all of them traits but he does have some of them. When i am out with my friends he texts me and says 'hope your behaving yourself' and 'are you being good'. Or sometimes when i lose signal and i dont text back straight away he will keep asking me 'if i have pulled'. When i asked him about these things he says he just comes back with 'im only joking and having a laugh with you'. Im not sure if he means that?He does have a hobby which takes up a lot of his time and so does his job but the hobby thing creeps me out a bit as he is in a partnership with a woman in her 60s so spends a lot of his time with her.I have being stressed in the last few days about different things and when he is texting me he is asking whats wrong with me and hes worried about me as i dont sound myself. Hes asking whats wrong and telling me that 'he loves me' and 'im the best thing that has happened to him in ages'.Do you think this is another form of control or hes just being caring?Im sorry to keep asking you questions but i have never being in a situation like it and know no one that has.I know when i am writing this there are so many red flags and i should run a mile but I wouldnt know how to end it as he would make my life hell as he ended it with me weeks ago and he he was pure nasty, then said he couldnt live with out me.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 May 2011):
 I see Cerberus has analyzed this guy thoroughly, and I have to say that he has sewn it up so completely I have nothing else to offer on the guy.
All couples will have some area of disagreement. The thing you want to see in a partner is a mature and appropriate response. Your guy fails in so many ways, for me, he wouldn't be worth the investment in time. At 27, he's old enough to act like a grown up.
I do think you are wasting your time with him. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): The only one who can decide that is you, you have to carefully consider what want out of a relationship and whether this guy can provide that. I mean *he will not change* so can you imagine a future with a guy who is like this? Yeah it sounds to me like you are wasting your time, if he won't even talk things out without acting like a child then what happens if something majorly bad happens? He honestly sounds like a bit of bitter "old man" if you know what I mean. He just seems to suck the life and fun out of things because he has no life or fun in his life. He seems to be one of those people that doesn't like others to be happy unless he is happy too and if he's miserable then he wants others to be too. Typical bitter loner like.
All I can say to you is this. I wouldn't date a girl that doesn't have a life and makes it sound like that's other peoples fault, "they're married etc." That sounds too bitter, that's blaming other people and to me that's a red flag. I don't mind people who just like their "me" time or just have settled and drinking doesn't appeal to them but when they claim they're hard done by because everyone they know has settled down, then that stinks of bitterness. I really just don't like people that make excuses for things by blaming others. That's the first thing, and I mean that is a horrible and very immature attitude to have. Petulant child.
The second thing is the blatant negativity. I mean you say hello to a friend and he comes out with some snide sarcastic remark? How is that fun? How is making you uncomfortable in situations like that good? That's very controlling behaviour OP. He may not be openly saying "don't talk to other people" but he is trying to make you feel bad about it, so it's the same thing isn't it? Who knows what he'd be like or how he'd act if you were married and he knew he wasn't going to lose you, he could get a lot worse. That to me is another huge red flag and a deal breaker. Spoiled brat.
The third and probably the worst of it all is what you originally came here to ask and what he tells you when you confront him about it. That is just awful game playing crap OP, it's seriously messed up childish crap to pull, that honestly no woman in her right mind would put up with, what is he like, 12? and I have a feeling you won't be putting up with it either for much longer because this guy just isn't relationship material.
OP if you want to know why he hasn't got a social life then look at how he acts, if you weren't dating him would you really want to hang around with such a negative bitter killjoy such as him? Someone who tries to put you down for having a social life, someone who makes derisive comments about people all the time. I bet he even points at random people says thing "look at the state of her/him" I bet he just revels in pointing out the flaws of others.
He's judgmental, jealous, possessive, angry, bitter, a loner, incredibly immature, has no friends who want to hang out with him regularly (I'm in my 30's OP, I have plenty of married and spoken for friends, we hang out every week to play pool, soccer, go drinking and generally just hang out), he spends all his time on facebook chatting up other girls, he does things to try and make you feel like shit, he tries to make you jealous, he puts you down in public, if he finds out you're doing something fun and he's not included he turns into a spoilt brat and tries to make sure you have a shit time.
To top all of these amazingly fantastic and thoroughly awesome character traits, he's fecking 27, he's 27 and he acts like a 5 year old who's mommy won't buy him a wowwy pop so he screams and wails, and stamps on the ground to get what he wants.
Have a read of this article OP, it might enlighten you a bit. He may not be as bad, nor have all of these traits but you may find some of this interesting. Either way the stuff contained in this article is something every woman should learn off and act on at the first sign of trouble. He could well be one these guys in the future. http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
Do what you feel is best OP, do what you think will bring you the best chance of long term happiness. He won't change but he may well turn out to be far worse than he already seems.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou have hit the nail on the head cerebus. I do think he is jealous of my social life and friends. When we are out and I see people i know or people talk to me he gets annoyed over it. Like last Bank Holiday, I saw my hairdresser who has done my hair since I was child. She came over and give me a hug and asked how I was. He said 'why she cuddling you, she only does your hair'. Or a girl in a bar asking where I had bought my top as she liked it, he said 'she either fancies me or you'. He doesnt seem to like the attention I get but I am a friendly, nice person. Its like he wants all the attention on him, people coming over to him, giving him a hug.Thats why I think he adds these girls to give him an ego boost. Although I do think he is chatting them up! Im sure he doesnt meet any of them as I know where he spends most of his time and that not good either.He is a loner when I think about it, apart from going out with me or the local working mens club to watch the footie. He does have a good job though but doesnt seem to go out with anyone from work.Do you think I am wasting my time with this guy? Hes 27 and Im 20.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): You call time out OP. It's time for a break to reevaluate the whole thing.
Communication is very important in a relationship, he completely blows you off when you ask him about it, that's not communication, it means he's not going to stop. So you have to deal with this because he's simply not going to.
I mean it sounds like he may be doing this out of jealousy, trying to make you feel horrible and jealous because he does.
If he adds these girls every time you go out then he may just be doing that because he's jealous you actually have a good social life and he doesn't. If that is the case then he's an immature little gowl.
OP nothing about this is good, he really does sound like a bit of a fool, and that's the nicest possible way I can say it. What's worse OP if his friends are all in relationships or married, then he must be a lot older than you. Unless all his friends are just older. Which makes his behaviour even worse.
This guy is acting very petty OP, he sounds like a bit of a bitter loner loser, that spends all his time at home on the PC and gets really annoyed because you have a life and he doesn't.
Nothing about what he's doing or how he reacts when you call him out on it is good. They're all red flags and personally they would be deal breakers for me, there's no excuse for his behaviour, he's doing it on purpose knowing that it's hurting you. I think the only option you have left is to tell him you're seriously considering breaking up. You can't do this with a guy who this kind of thing, a guy who keeps his options open like that, a guy who has no social life for stupid reasons and spends all his time on facebook chatting up other girls. Is that really the kind of guy you want to be with?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the responses and answers. I do spend time with him but not a lot, a couple of nights a week. Its like I come second best to everything he does. He seems to add these girls if I am out with my friends for a night out and I have just told him Im going on holiday abroad with my friends so he has added about 7 girls, but deleted 3 others.
Cerebus, you have just said what I am thinking, is he keeping his options open? He doesnt go to pubs or bars as all his friends are in relationships or married. This is the only way he meets girls. He doesnt have friends to go out with! Ive told him if they are adding you, you dont have to accept them but I know this isnt the case he adds them.
I just dont know how to approach this guy on this again without him giving me a vague answer or just ignoring the question or losing his head!!!
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female
reader, turtle escape +, writes (9 May 2011):
Even if it is just girls adding him he doesnt HAVE to accept he request. If this guy cant respect your wishes and quit accepting the request than he doesnt deserve you. You deserve better than a guy that doesnt respect you. You should talk to him about it again but this time mention that if he keeps it up you will leave him, if its still continues stick to your guns and walk the other way, cause no guy is worth being disrespected.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 May 2011):
You met over facebook and he adds and deletes women friends on facebook? Any red flags popping up for you here at all?
It sounds as though he enjoys the time and attention spent on facebook with the girls he meets. Would you be any happier if all the girls he added were gorgeous knockouts?
Honey, this guy sounds like a bit of a loser. Do you spend any face-to-face time, breathing the same air in the same room, or is this pretty much a facebook relationship?
If it were me in your shoes, I'd probably cut him loose. Any guy who thinks that he's a facebook chick-magnet has a bit of an ego problem, and I would rather spend my time with a guy who is respectful and considerate of ME.
Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): Well think of it this way OP, he met you on facebook didn't he? That's his way of meeting girls and chatting them up. He's still doing that.
I mean that's like meeting a guy in a bar and becoming his girlfriend, now if he's still going to bars and chatting up girls, would you find that acceptable? So why then are letting him do that on facebook?
It's simple, he's still on the market, he's still chatting up and adding girls and when the girls don't respond he deletes them and adds more to see if, like you, they'd be willing to get to know him that way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): Well he knows you dont like it but yet he still does it..Tell him again that you're not happy with this, as him why does he feel the need to add these slagish girls on facebook. He sounds like a major flirt. Id also look at other aspects, how is he when he is around other girls? Does he chat them up?Its hard to say if he is physically cheating, as in actually meeting up and having sex. If he keeps adding these dirtbirds on fb after telling him again that you're not happy about it, id say good luck to him, because that alone says that he has no consideration for your feelings regardless of whether he was cheating or not.All the best.x
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