A
female
age
36-40,
*82qx2
writes:Last night, my sister, 26, came round to my house to tell me she had something important to say.She admitted to me she'd been dating this married man, who's 38, since last August, when lockdown measures ended here in the UK in July with "Freedom Day 1", and that he was better than the guys she'd met on dating apps pre-lockdown and that she felt burned out by dating apps.My sister works as a model, well, up-and-coming, she's not famous, only just getting into the business; she's on the books of a modelling agency (no, not a big-name international one, just a small agency with around 10-20 clients, all women).She then told me that it wasn't just about sex, she said she really loves him, but kept wavering between loving and loved (present vs past tense ?).She said how they had a connection, he felt better than the guys who just wanted her for sex, and that although he was rich, it wasn't the main reason she was with him.You might think, in a typical affair with a married man, they'd try and hide it, not tell family or friends?Well, this guy took my sister to expensive restaurants in Kensington and Chelsea, which are an hour's drive from where she lives (I don't live in Luton; I live now in a posh part of Surrey bordering on London) for things like pizza, pasta, Japanese cuisine, even American restaurants, well away from where he lives.Originally we lived in Hayes in West London, but we moved due to things like work and in my case, both work and a long-term relationship. She loves living where she is in Luton and thinks it's where she could be for life.She wasn't planning on moving in with him or anything like that (until recently, see further down this..) but does want to take their relationship further.However, there's a thorn in the side of this relationship.The guy is married, has a daughter, 8 years old, and he lives an hour from my sister by road (up in Huntingdon), but from where he's taking her, it's a 2 hour 10 minute drive (according to Google Maps); he told my sister he's explained it away to his wife as "late night business meetings" as an excuse.The man has told her he's leaving his wife in the next 6 weeks and he's came up with a cover story of "It's not working for me, I'll still be a good dad".I don't think my sister really understands what she's let herself in for.I'm 35, but never dated married men or married women for that matter; I've only dated 5 women before getting with my current girlfriend who I've been with since August 2013. We met at a friend of mine's party. The only guys I dated were years ago in 2002-2003 when I was 16 and didn't really know or understand my sexuality yet. But to be honest, it was rough being lesbian back then in 2003, you couldn't really be as open about it as now.I decided to try and help my sister, and showed her a forum with a subforum called "The Other Man/Woman", and one discussion had this quote: Cooking, cleaning, washing, raising kids, mutual financial struggles etc. - all of these things are an inescapable part of reality. And reality can sometimes be stressful and monotonous. A committed, exclusive couple must weather these things together - they will either come out stronger upon facing life's stress together, or they will crumble. This doesn't come into play in most affairs, and this is why we so often hear: "your affair is not a real relationship."and also: Where I think a lot of people don't track with the context of the opening statement in this thread is that when someone is in an affair...they are in the process of DECIDING BETWEEN THE TWO RELATIONSHIPS. They will always be 'weighing' one relationship against the other...intentionally or not. It will happen. And that's where this really comes into play. The affair doesn't have anywhere near the same negatives associated with those day to day stressors that the long term co-habitating relationship does. The bullshit suddenly DOES seem less attractive...because they're associated with those stressors of paying the bills, the need to clean up the bathroom, etc... Their relationship includes coping with things like managing a budget, balancing schedules, making sure that the kids are taken care of, cleaning up after the dog, etc...How true would this be for my sister's situation?On that note...If my sister had to get into a real relationship with the guy, divorced from his wife, and they had to deal with bills, cooking, cleaning, car finance payments, in-laws, ex-wife and visitation, raising kids, washing his dirty underwear, deciding what to have for tea each night, the weekly food shop, him seeing her with no makeup in the morning and wearing glasses, shared finances, paying for her Ford Mondeo's fuel bills (it's a big expensive car; she bought the then 11-year-old, now 14-year-old one for £5,000 three years ago pre-lockdown at Christmas), her freelance modelling work, his business meetings, wouldn't it quickly fall apart in the light of day, outside romance and romantic meals?In general, what sorts of "real relationship" situations would kill their "relationship"?Am I correct in thinking that now she's only ever seen his good side, him on his best behaviour, doesn't know his flaws etc. that would come with being in a "real relationship"?----My sister claimed that the relationship's not really a secret where they go to, when he takes her to high-end restaurants in Kensington or Chelsea, he always introduces her as his girlfriend to waiters/waitresses etc. and only two friends of his in the area know (a wealthy American couple who've been there 15 years).I'm concerned for my sister because she could be missing out on a nice guy and isn't this a bit sleazy, technically?What she said next, however, was something I didn't expect:"I can't meet nice guys who want me, and the guys who do want me, only really want me because I'm a model and my status, not who I am."I feel sorry for her, but equally I don't know if I can or should help her with this.Also, she's stated outright that he'll be leaving his wife in the next 6 weeks and he wants her to move in with him in his second home in Kensington together.Although she wants him to move in with her in Luton and keep the Kensington home as a second home owned by him. I don't think she'll be prepared for what it's really like living with him; at the moment she lives on her own.As I understand it, Kensington is a really rich part of London.I really love my sister, we have a good close relationship.She's admitted she thinks she knows what she wants, but hadn't quite considered the consequences at times of this.One other final question, would their 12-year age gap cause problems for them within the relationship? I mean, me and my girlfriend have an age gap, but 3 years isn't really that much of an issue in terms of an age gap, as compared to a 10 or 20-year age gap is it?What could be some future scenarios involving their relationship that I could show her on here?I will probably be showing her it when she comes to visit me later in the week, she's arranged to see me on Thursday night.Really need some perspective and advice here.The basic question is "What could be the reality of things, if my sister continues down the path of dating a married man?"
View related questions:
affair, christmas, divorce, ex-wife, lesbian, married man, underwear Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (7 May 2022):
I have just written an article on this very subject. You can find it by clicking on the "articles" link at the top of the page (usually highlighted in yellow). I won't post a link because that usually bust the margins of the page.
I hope you read it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2022): What is all this about your sister being a model? You are only a model when you earn your living by it. You might as well say that everyone who sings karaoke in a bar is a professional singer, even though they sound awful and nobody would ever pay them.
My brother would love to be an astronaut but he is not silly enough to tell people he is one.
As to other guys only want her because "she is a model. How is it any different with the married guy? He only wants her for her looks/body, it is no different. Why does she think that it is different because he is married. Ok he takes her to restaurants and buys her nice meals, it is hardly a big thing, she would easily be able to get that from nice young single guys if she is good looking and young. The least this guy should do when he is using her as a bit on the side is splash the cash, it is not much in return for what he gets.
There are lots of classy young good looking women who earn a good living going out with married guys for dinner etc, even without the sex, they get paid well just to be there for the meal. She gives him a great deal more.
If this guy is going to change his mind or is leading her on he is daft to promise it will be different in six weeks. She will soon see that that is not the case, but I am sure she will make excuses for him then and carry on anyway.
Guys who lie about leaving the wife say it is in a year or two or three, so they can get a good run with the bit on the side before it blows up - not just six weeks.
Telling a few people who do not know wife etc about you means nothing. It only means something if they stick their neck out and tell people who are part of their normal circle. He would be dumb to do that.
It seems he is playing your sister like a fiddle and she is naive enough to believe all of these silly ideas and has a lot of fantasies.
...............................
A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (5 May 2022):
 I agree with everything the other readers have said. Also, He actually is hiding her. He’s taking her somewhere far away from where he lives and only two of his friends know about her. Telling all the waiters and waitresses that there an item isn’t really an achievement, it’s not like they know his wife or his friends or whoever else, they’re just random people, no need to hide it from them.
He’s basically just buying her love and her affection.
He’s giving her nothing else apart from Rich gifts and meaningless words.
And I’ll tell you something now, he’s not going to leave his wife in six weeks. He’s just saying that to keep your sister sweet.
By the time the six week mark comes, there will be some sort of excuse as to why he can’t leave her needs a bit more time. I think your sister needs to avoid the situation with a 10 foot long pole. If he’s doing this to his wife now, there’s no guarantee that he won’t do it to her a few years later down the line.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2022): Being someone's mistress, or concubine, is more or less a step down in status. You share another woman's husband; who is a philanderer, a lowlife, and a cheater. The wife still remains in a higher status; with legal-rights, and a share in ownership of all that he has. He lacks credibility; because he is capable of ditching you when he feels you can no longer fulfill your use for recreational-sex. His ego tells him he is entitled to more; and his mistress's ego feels she deserves him, even if he belongs to another woman in marriage...and/or happens to be a father.
Of course, he shows her only his best side; because there are no real legal or emotional-ties to be challenged. No pressures, because he can leave her behind whenever he feels like it. They enjoy sharing company and having sex; then he retreats to another life with a wife. While she returns to her life of waiting for him. Surviving on the scraps taken from another woman's table. They always promise to leave their wives. There are a few problems. Once he has, and becomes yours, how can you really trust him??? If he cheated on her, why won't he cheat on you? If he sold her a series of lies, why won't he lie to you? How can you tell how true is love is???
I've been here on DC since 2013. We receive dozens upon dozens of posts from former mistresses, women who are currently in affairs with married-men, and women who are looking for such a set-up. They feel those relationships are (or were) real; and they don't care for anyone's help or judgement. They don't care about the moral ramifications, they don't place themselves in the shoes of the betrayed-wife, they feel no sympathy towards her; and they don't see how he is corrupting their character, and how she is being used. He now knows what she is capable of, and will keep a mental-note of it. She is capable of cheating on him.
He's nice to her, compliments her, spends his money on her, and lavishes her in costly gifts. The same as he would a prostitute. It's all bribery, because he has to convince her he loves her. Their love is transactional; because he cannot commit to her. Part of the thrill and intrigue of the affair is the forbidden-fruit appeal. It feels so good, because it is wrong. The rush and excitement of knowing you might get caught! The strokes it gives her ego, that he would betray his wife to be with his mistress; and she's so hot, she can steal him from another woman. It's all so very dark, and morally bankrupt.
You can advise your sister, but she isn't paying you any attention. She thinks you're just being self-righteous and judgy. There are things we do in life that we can't foresee the future ramifications or repercussions; until reality proves that cheating, deception, adultery, and lying breeds contempt and distrust. If he by some miracle he leaves his wife; she still remains the mother of his child for all eternity. She is bound for life by a daughter; and a divorce doesn't remove her presence from the equation. She will be a constant reminder of his past, an irritant always waiting to happen, a wedge, and a competitor. Morally and legally, she is owed restitution and vindication for what was taken from her. Even if she isn't the scornful type, divine intervention will bring her the justice she deserves; because God is also offended.
What he/they is/are doing is forgivable; if everyone is repentant. You can atone for it, by changing your ways. She can move-on and recover from it; and do it the right way the next time. She is presently caught-up in the subterfuge. The forbidden fruit is just too sweet.
Not only has he betrayed his wife, he has betrayed his daughter, and the sanctity of his marriage. He owes God something too. He is a poor male role-model. He has taught his daughter, she can't depend on men to be faithful to her. Not even her father was faithful to her mother, or his family. She will witness her mother's pain and suffering, along with her own. An eight year-old is pretty smart, and understands quite a lot.
You have little choice but to let the affair run its course. No one's advice or meddling will change anything; because she thinks she loves him, and he loves her. In reality, she doesn't really care if he does; because she knows she has feelings for him, and some people thrive on infatuations. Many pretend there will be a happily ever after for them. Not really. There is no winner when you've separated a family; and had to resort to an adulterous-affair, because you don't trust yourself to be able to find love that isn't already committed to someone else in marriage.
It's profound selfishness. It's in our nature as human beings. As a Christian, I constantly have to pray for God's help to control it. It's a struggle to overcome being selfish. I need Jesus to help me.
Love her as your sister, be there for her to catch her when she falls; but stay out of her love-life and relationships.
Be a good sister, and offer advice when she asks for it; she will not be receptive to advice she didn't seek from you. In secret, she may be subconsciously judging you for your own lifestyle; and may not see you as anyone who can judge her for hers.
She may feel, if she can tolerate your choices, you should be more open-minded towards hers.
We're all human, and it's in our nature to feel entitled. We are self-righteous, and sometimes hypocritical; because it's easier to see the faults of others, and yet refuse to see our own. She knows what she is doing is wrong, but she will learn. You will have a big haul of "I told you so's" in the end.
Life has consequences, and justice comes to everyone. You can't just do any old thing to anybody, and getaway with it. If he leaves his wife and family; divine intervention will give his wife her divine justice. In marriage, a man and a woman become one flesh. In God's eyes, it's a holy union. Their vows were exchanged before God, an officiator, and witnesses. It's not so simple that he can just have any woman he wants. He made promises to a one woman that he'd forsake all others, and she vowed to do the same. That was all a lie and a scam. A warning to others.
The mistress may conquer, and gain all the spoils of her victory; but there is no trust or faithfulness to attach her heart to. She'll always wonder if, or when, he'll do it again? We may feel so entitled and emboldened that we should always get what we want, but at what price? He has dragged her down to his level. How does she explain her past to the next man who wants to give her his heart and devotion? How do you explain it to your future children, if they discover the truth about your past? How will you explain it to Jesus on the Day of Judgement? My last question is directed to those who believe themselves to be Christians. I'm not judging your sister, just stating a few facts.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2022): Kenny is right, there's an almost identical question posted on April 16th. In rhat one, though, the sister lived in Nottingham- but that cheating husband too had a second home in Kensington. How curious .Kensington must be full to the brim with cheating husbands. A curious coincidence- there's another question posted May 1st, this one by,supposedly,a teenager - but that poster too wonders the same things about the struggles of daily life, cooking, cleaning,the bills, dirty underwear....I am sure there will be other answers, all I want to say is -if the cheating husband is a rich guy who can afford living in Kensington and hanging out in Chelsea,..his lover does not need at all to worry about washing his dirty underwear or other menial jobs.Most naturally and normally, they would hire somebody to take care of domestic drudgery !
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (4 May 2022):
 There was a post almost identical to this one back in April, the scenarios are very similar indeed, and Kensington is mentioned again.
So assuming this is the same post i think that you recieved 8 very good answers.
You end this post with " what would be the reality of things if my sister continues down the path of dating a married man"
OP i'm sure you don't need anyone here to tell you the answer to this as it should be quite obvious that tihngs like never end well.
At the end of the day your sister is not a child, she is a grown adult capable of making her own decisions. The only thing that you can do is offer her advice, be there for her and tell her nothing good will come of dating a married man. If she chooses to still persue him then i'm afraid that is out of your hands.
The age gap in the relationship is irrelevant, she should not be dating a married man period. No of course this age gap would not be a problem at all if he was single, he is married, she should cut contact with him.
If by a slim chance she ended up getting with him could she ever trust him, could she ever trust that he would not be cheating on her further down the line as he has been doing to his wife.
She needs to end this relationship with him, but as i said earlier all you can do is advise her and tell her of the rocky road she will be heading down. Other than this there really is nothing much else you can do.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2022): Your sister sounds like a dreamer. For one thing she believes this guy wants her for more than sex - even though he believes it is ok to lie to his wife, is not offering her anything other than sex and words - which are cheap - and will end up hurting her big time if she continues. For another - true modelling agencies are snowed under with women wanting to sign up with them and most of them never get a chance to. It sounds like your sister is with a scammer agency where they charge her to be on their books and accept just anyone, and then none of those women ever get any work. You cannot just sign up with a modelling agency, that is fantasy. Same as people believing that even though nobody has ever heard of them a big publisher is going to pay one of their staff to read the novel and publish it or Jane Smith thinks that going on Britain's Got Talent will get her a gold record and chart toppers soon.
The world your sister lives in is very much the same as a child's, she is not grounded in reality, sees everything through rose coloured classes.
You should not need to ask strangers about this, you should be able to work all this out for yourself too! You are very much alike. She would take far more notice of you than of strangers. Why would she be silly enough to sleep with a married man in the first place? If you want to see how wise a person will be in the future look at how wise they have been so far. People who consistently do silly things do more silly things.
...............................
|
