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Dear Cupid > Forums > Cupid's Lounge > jokes

jokes

, posted over a year ago

How do you get a man in your bed, shouting your name and gasping for breath?

hold a pillow over his face.

Posted on 26 June 2006 @ 11:10 (London time) - permalink
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snowbird, posted over a year ago

Jelly baby goes to the doc's, nether regions all covered in liquorice and hundreds and thousands:

DOCTOR: "What have you been up to?"

"F****** ALLSORTS" came the reply!!

Posted on 26 June 2006 @ 11:31 (London time) - permalink
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sexylinz, posted over a year ago

A husband comes home and says to his wife" we've tried 69 lets try 68"

She says, "What's that?"

He says, " you blow me and I'll owe you one."

Posted on 26 June 2006 @ 18:38 (London time) - permalink
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sexylinz, posted over a year ago

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for mayor, "Your former secretary said publicly that you have a small penis... Would you please comment on this?"

"The truth really is," replied the politician, "That she has a big mouth."

Posted on 26 June 2006 @ 18:42 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of an ugly man?

A tattoo.

Posted on 26 June 2006 @ 20:14 (London time) - permalink
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snowbird, posted over a year ago

WOMAN: "Doctor, doctor, I've been graped!"

DOCTOR: "Surely you mean raped"?

WOMAN: "No, there was a bunch of them!"

Posted on 26 June 2006 @ 21:10 (London time) - permalink
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Wendyg, posted over a year ago

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze

my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my

penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"

Posted on 29 June 2006 @ 11:26 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Why did the blonde girl have lipstick on her steering wheel?

she was trying to blow the horn

Posted on 30 June 2006 @ 21:42 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Blonde jokes! Although I am a blonde, I love hearing them, Ariel. Here's one for you.

How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day? Answer: When her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil. (ewww)

Posted on 30 June 2006 @ 22:40 (London time) - permalink
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Wendyg, posted over a year ago

Tee hee Had to share this one... :o)

The Herbert's were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a

surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Herbert kissed his wife

and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon". Half an hour later,

just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell,

hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. Come in," Mrs. Herbert cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My specialty is babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a

seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the

bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes

the living room floor is fun too. You can really spread out!"

Wife - "Bathtub, couch, bed, living room floor? No wonder it didn't

work for my husband and me."

Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every

time."

But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven

angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of...."

Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.

I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed

with that, I'm sure."

Wife (muttering)- "Tell me about it. Haven't i had it all"

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his

baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

Wife - "Oh my!"

Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you

consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Wife - "She was difficult?"

Photographer - "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the

park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and

five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Wife - "Four and five deep?" (Eyes wide in amazement).

Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was

constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then

darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the

squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your

....equipment?"

Photographer - "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up

my tripod so that we can get to work"

Wife - "Tripod?"

Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.

It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam? Good heavens,

she's fainted.

Posted on 8 August 2006 @ 9:12 (London time) - permalink
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Wendyg, posted over a year ago

This tickled me a bit Probably really old but Thought it pretty funny :o)

Wife: Honey..... What are you looking for?

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: Nothing...?? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour !!

Husband: I was just looking for the expiry date

Posted on 19 September 2006 @ 16:10 (London time) - permalink
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Yos, posted over a year ago

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?

A: Divorce her

Posted on 19 September 2006 @ 16:45 (London time) - permalink
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Yos, posted over a year ago

Q: What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex?

A: A bus shelter

Posted on 19 September 2006 @ 16:46 (London time) - permalink
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snowbird, posted over a year ago

Har-di-har-har-har!!!

Posted on 19 September 2006 @ 17:6 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

A man from Texas , driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, 'Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?' The guy in the Rolls says, 'Yes, of course I do.'

'I got one too. See?' the Texan says. 'Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice.'

'You got a fax machine?' asks the Texan. 'Why, actually, yes, I do.'

'I do too! See? It's right here!' brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, 'So, do you have a double bed in back there?'

The guy in the Rolls replies, 'NO! Do you?'

'Yep, got my double bed right in back here,' the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The window on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy with the Rolls says, 'Hey, remember me?'

'Yeah, yeah, I remember you,' replies the Texan. 'What's up?'

'Check this out . . . I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.'

The Texan exclaims, 'YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!'

Posted on 24 June 2008 @ 3:10 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

If there are any blondes out there, please accept my humble apologies in advance, it's nothing personal you see....but I just had to share these:

*A Blonde's year in review*

(Of course...this doesn't apply to all blondes..... ~ some wouldn't even see the funny side of this joke!!)

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!...bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid, wrong instructions.. 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition, learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm ..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C" ... isn't it?

October - Hate M & M's ... they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 .... "duh" .... there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR SO FAR: {if we've not all heard it a million times before} A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

{Are you ready? This is a beauty...} My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

xXx

Posted on 12 July 2008 @ 17:9 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

And the moral of the story is...

------

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting.

While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide.

Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim.

The guide grabbed his arm and said "Oh,no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you! The man figured that was only a superstion of the natives and shot one down. Then the rest of the flock returned aand pooped all over him.

He hollared at the boy, "I must have some water right away to wash this mess off. The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately! Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off.

Sure enough he dropped dead then and there.

The moral of this story is "If the foo shits, wear it."

------

“In Viking times, many years ago, there lived a warrior called Olf. He was not a pleasant character to meet, being typically aggressive and extremely rude to all he met. Like many of his time, he had an enormous bushy ginger beard, so was called 'Olf the Red' by his men.

One day, near Christmas time, he was about to set off to pillage a few Christmas pressies.

‘You'll need your heavy fur on today Olf, it's snowing,’ announced his brow beaten wife.

‘That's rain, woman.’

‘Well it is white and flakey.’

"It's rain I tell you. Rain .....Rain... Rain !" roared Olf

"But.."

"Let me make it clear," he said, "Rude Olf the Red knows rain dear"

----

A farmer was having trouble with birds trying to build nests in his horses' manes, and asked a neighbor how to stop them. "Get some yeast and work it into their manes real good," he advised. "That always works for me."

"Yeast?" the farmer asked incredulously. "Why would that work?"

"Because yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet," his neighbor drawled with a satisfied smile.

-----

“There was an African king who lived in a beautiful castle made of grass. In that house was his prize possession, a golden throne. One day, he got word that the neighboring king was planning to invade and steal the throne. The king decided to hide the throne in the attic. As luck would have it, the ceiling collapsed under the weight and the throne hit the king on the head and killed him.

Moral? People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.”

------

A herring that for many years swam along with a friendly whale appeared one day without its companion. Asked where the whale was, the herring replied, "How would I know? Am I my blubber's kipper?"

------

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hanging-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

-----

Posted on 16 July 2008 @ 22:17 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Nice ones Tisha! It's refreshing to read bloody funny jokes that don't revert to crudity especially the first two. Damn near wet myself, I did!

Posted on 16 July 2008 @ 23:43 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26

Hot Breakfast - $4.20 Red

Rose bud - $3.00

Two Aspirins - $0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time - Priceless

Posted on 17 July 2008 @ 1:23 (London time) - permalink
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lotus mama808, posted over a year ago

A little girl just had her 6th birthday, and she got a brand new bicycle. She goes out for a ride that afternoon. As she is riding down her street, she see's a police officer on a horse.

The officer says "Hey, that's a mighty fine bike you got there, did you just get it?"

The little girl replies happily, "Sure did, for my birthday!"

The officer then says "Looks like you forgot to put a reflecter on that bike, you know I'm gonna have to write you a ticket for that."

The little girl looks at the officers horse and says "Thats a mighty fine horse you have there"

The officer says "Thanks, it's a privalage to ride him."

The little girl says "I'm afraid I'm going to have to write you a ticket sir, the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!"

Posted on 17 July 2008 @ 8:28 (London time) - permalink
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TELLULAH, posted over a year ago

Silly Joke, but makes me laugh! Well sometimes.

Man goes into the dentist and says "Doctor, Doctor I feel like a moth"

Dentist replies "You are in the wrong place I'm afraid, the Psychiatrists is over the road.

"I know replies the man, but I saw your light on".

Posted on 17 July 2008 @ 15:21 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Hey Tallulah hon, Where ya bin? Long time no type.

Silly jokes are the best jokes.

I just answered the door to a six foot beetle who gave me a slap and told me to fuck off ... apparently there's a nasty bug going round!

: )

Posted on 17 July 2008 @ 21:44 (London time) - permalink
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TELLULAH, posted over a year ago

Hey Big sis,

Feel like thats what happened to me!! got smacked in the face. Feeling better every day though. If only it had been a bug. XXX

Posted on 18 July 2008 @ 9:29 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Aww Babe, I 'heard' that you lost someone close to you and my deepest sympathy's are with you and yours.

Without knowing any of the details, and from my past experience, all I can say is...

...Each day that passes, it will get easier. Still hurts like a fucking six foot beetle slapped you across the face ~ but it's a pain you get accustomed to.

It's all the good and the happy memories that keep us afloat.

Here's something I've just made up for you....it's supposed to be a rhyming joke..

~#~#~#~#~

I made this up to make you larf

I thought it up whilst in the bath

I'm thinking out loud *I must cut the grass*

I hate that job, it's a pain the the arse!

So while you're thinking *Should I larf?*

Picturing Sis mowing round that giraffe

*How could she let her grass grow so high?*

Well let me tell you the reason why...

I left it so high so I can hide and spy

On my neighbour's son ~ he's so fit and strong

I ain't seen such a hunk for so very long!

I've no idea where I'm going with this..

So just imagine him with this horny BigSis!!

~#~#~#~#~

Chin up hon and thinking of you, and mail me if you fancy a chat.

Niki

Posted on 18 July 2008 @ 11:49 (London time) - permalink
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birdynumnums, posted over a year ago

Hi Tellu! Hi Sis!

Here's my favorite blonde joke.

A man is interviewing people for the job of personal assistant. Three women have applied for the job, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

The redhead goes in for the interview. He asks her about her background, and skills. After a 15 minute conversation, he thanks her for her interest in the position. As she is about to exit his office, he asks, "By the way, how many D's are there in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? Answer Quickly!!!" She is puzzled. "D's? Well, Let me think... One - No - Two." "Thank you for your interest, we'll be in touch."

The brunette goes in next. They repeat the interview, and just as before, he stops her suddenly on the way out. "Quickly, off the top of your head, how many D's are there in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?" She looks perplexed. "Why, two, of course!" "Thank you for your time, we'll be in touch".

The blonde sits down for her interview. After 20 minutes, the interview is over. Once again, he stops her and asks the impromptu question. "Sorry, before you go, and aswer this just off the top of your head, how many D's are there in Indiana Jones and the temple of Doom?" She stops and starts looking at the ceiling. She starts nodding her head. She's counting on her fingers and she loses track. "Sixteen?" He is stunned. "Did I come close?" He replies "No. Would you mind if I ask you how you came to your answer?"

"Sure! Dee De Dee Dee, Dee De Dee, Dee De Dee Dee, Dee De Dee Dee Dee..." *sung to Theme of Indiana Jones...*

It's an oldie, but a goodie...

Posted on 18 July 2008 @ 18:10 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Ok,so there is a man and a parrot.And they see a

woman on the side.They stop by and ask her if she

needs a ride.She says yes and the man asks her if

she will have sex with him.She says no and he says no sex, no rideSo there's another woman and the same thing happens again.Then the bird sees

some chickens and asks them if they need a ride.

They say yes,so he goes ahead and lets them in.

So the man keeps going and ask women the same thing.Eventually the parrot starts saying over and over again,no sex no ride.So the man says if

he doesn't stop saying it,he's going to throw him in the back with the chickens.So he gets thrown back.The police see him and all the chickens and go after them.So they get stopped,

and they all(the chickens,parrot,the man),say,be-

fore the police can say anything,"No sex,no ride".I hope you enjoyed the joke.I was told this

joke a few months ago,so I tried to remember it as best as I can.But I'm sure there's no difference.

Posted on 18 July 2008 @ 21:44 (London time) - permalink
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birdynumnums, posted over a year ago

A patient knocks frantically on a Doctors door in the middle of the night. "Doc, You have to help me! I think I'm A Moth!". The Doctor replies "I'm sorry but I think you need the Psychiatrist across the street."

"I know, But I saw your light on..."

Ba Da Bum Tschhh!

Posted on 20 July 2008 @ 1:46 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

: ^ )

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ...'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.' The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

: ^ o

Posted on 25 July 2008 @ 1:4 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

(:0) (:*) (:&)

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.....

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, What are you doing?

The little boy answered, I''m doing my math homework, Mom.

And this is how your teacher taught you to do it? the mother asked.

Yes, he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, What are you teaching my son in math? The teacher replied, Right now, we are learning addition.

The mother asked, And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four? After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four. :)

Posted on 25 July 2008 @ 8:25 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

THE PERFECT HUBBY

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models.

I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '£60,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing.... The house we wanted last year

is back on the market. They're asking £950,000.'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you!'

MAN: 'Bye, I love you, too.'

The man hangs up.

The other men in the changing room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks ...

'Anyone know whose phone this is?'

(((:^ o)

Posted on 25 July 2008 @ 12:21 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I don't get it...

Posted on 25 July 2008 @ 17:45 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

But,Big Sis,I loved the soldier joke,and Pepper,I

loved the math...

Posted on 25 July 2008 @ 17:47 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

DOH!!!!

Posted on 25 July 2008 @ 18:49 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Sorry Babe,

The guy just took advantage of the call and went along with it, the phone wasn't his, now some other poor bas***d's gonna suffer the consequences.

xXx

Posted on 25 July 2008 @ 18:53 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

Ha! Ha! tee hee Im on the floor sis..Great one!!!!!COFFEE WARNING 4 OUR TISHA!!!!!! :) XXXXX

Posted on 25 July 2008 @ 18:54 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

If you were to choke a smurf, what colour would it turn?

Posted on 26 July 2008 @ 2:35 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I hate PURPLE PEOPLE...unless they are choking...then help them!

Posted on 26 July 2008 @ 5:27 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Awww Fade, you'd be forever in Pappa Smurf's debt. He'd appreciate that.

You could on the other hand just stamp on them and end their misery.... and ours. Bloody things!

: o )

~X~

Posted on 26 July 2008 @ 12:35 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

red maybe?????!!!!!!I love the smurfs I wanna be a smurf please :)

Posted on 26 July 2008 @ 13:51 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Your so wicked BigSis, now I've got a problem trying to get blue smurfs turning blue out of my mind.... It's not fair, there are so many more intresting things to think about, but blue smurffs are somehow important, and you really shouldn't hurt them at all.....

Posted on 27 July 2008 @ 4:30 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

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, posted over a year ago

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, posted over a year ago

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, posted over a year ago

Sorry, did I repeat myself... I couldn't help it, I was thinking about blue smurfs!!!!????

Posted on 27 July 2008 @ 4:30 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Diovan, I think I got the point, 4 times actually. So I'm wicked, but really?!?

I mean 'blue' Smurfs, randy little buggers... wonder if they have their own little porn site.

You've got Papa Smurf, he's the leader of the Smurfs, probably into voyeurism, then there's Lazy Smurf, little shit suffers from narcolepsy, so he says, he's just pretending so the other Smurfs take advantage of him, then there's his mate Handy-Randy Smurf, the one who wears a pencil in his ear, bet he's got plenty of led in that.

Farmer Smurf ~ into sheep, Smurfette ~ originally a brunette and is a dominatrix, Grandpa Smurf ~ carries a cane, whops Smurfettes ass with it, shall I go on....?

Posted on 27 July 2008 @ 11:13 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Smurfs not as pervy as them Wombles of Wimbledon who were common as wee. There was Uncle Bulgeria, thankfully we were never told exactly where he was bulging from. Maybe the significantly named animator 'Ivor Wood' knew more than he was tellin when he was encouraging the lads to "Tobe her more eh!"

Waz

Posted on 27 July 2008 @ 11:53 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Hahahah!! Them Wimbles of Wombledon! And 'Ivor Wood'? So funny! Hard to believe it was his real name, he also did The Tragic Moundabout and Pastman Pot -

By the way, is there an R Sole working in this establishment, and has anyone seen Mike Hunt?

: ^ /

Posted on 27 July 2008 @ 14:42 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

FOOK!!!!Ive just popped on to see whats going on AND ITS A COFFEE WARNING BY BIG SIS!!!!!!!!!!!! SMURF PORN!!!HA! Im a pissin me self!!!:)

Posted on 27 July 2008 @ 20:57 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane

When the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that

flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow

passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and

said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and

he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask

you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -

grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a

flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose

that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,

thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to

discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

Posted on 27 July 2008 @ 21:48 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Heh heh heh...like it Phil. Kids these days, eh? Little smart arses!

Mandy, Why do smurfs laugh as they frolic through the forest?

Because the grass tickles their balls!

Mickey and Minnie have been having problems for some time now ~ and after hearing of Barbie and Ken's break up, they too decide to call it quits. Donald goes to Mickey to console him and says;

"She's been a problem since day one. I'm glad you finally saw that she's crazy."

Mickey looks at Donald and replies, "No, I broke up with her because she's fucking goofy"

: )

Posted on 28 July 2008 @ 2:18 (London time) - permalink
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Tremor, posted over a year ago

A man walks into a bar, and the bartender notices that he has half a pineapple for a head. He finds this very strange, so he says to the man, "Excuse me, but why have you got half a pineapple for a head?"

The man sighs and says, "Well, it all started when I found this old lamp on the beach. I rubbed it, and out popped a genie, who offered me three wishes.

So first of all, I wished to be the richest man in all the world, and what do you know, it came true!

For my second wish, I wished for the most beautiful woman in the world to fall desperately in love with me. Lo and behold, she appeared before me in a puff of smoke. I thought to myself, hey, this wishing thing is pretty good!"

"So then, what was your third wish?" asked the bartender, now very curious.

"Well" said the man "I think that's where I went wrong."

"I wished to have half a pineapple for a head".

Hur hur hur. =)

Posted on 28 July 2008 @ 3:57 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A man walks into a bar and says:ouch.

Posted on 28 July 2008 @ 6:12 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

I cant tell a joke Im giggling to much at sis, Mate your making me cry! You only have to to mention fookin smurf and I get the giggles BEHAVE!!!!!!!

What do you call a Smurf with its pants down?

A blue moon!!!!!!!!!!!!

************************************************

A woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"

COFFEE WARNING FOR TISHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted on 28 July 2008 @ 9:23 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

'Ere Grant....

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says,

"Why the long face?"

Pepper.....if you want more Smuck stories, I mean Smurf stories then follow this link....but Grant, DO NOT ... I REPEAT ... DO NOT watch unless accompanied by an adult Smurf, you here?

La-La-Lala-La-La--Lalala-La-Laaaaa...

La-La-Lala-La-La--Lalala-La-Laaaaaaaaaa

{Glad you could join us honey, stay here and have some fun with us} xXx

On second thoughts, I've changed my mind Pepper, I'll PM the link to you instead, don't want to set off an anti-Smurf campaign! People will think I'm being Smurfist.

: ^ o

Posted on 28 July 2008 @ 10:39 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

Smurfist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!please behave Im hurting serry arsely hurting my belly aches La-La-La-LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!Gotta go work ta for them links hunny XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Posted on 28 July 2008 @ 10:52 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

*wiping eyes*

Smurfs, Wombles (those didn't cross the pond) and all the other jokes... thank you all for the belly laffs!!! Big Sis, could I see that link too please? And all of you, GET BACK TO WORK!!!! No, seriously, more jokes, pwetty pwease... Have a good one today and all that good hippy hoppy happy day (as a certain spicy girl might shay, ven she's shpeaking de Svedish)!!!

Posted on 28 July 2008 @ 12:7 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Me too, I want to see more smurfs, I love smurfs... "Wombles of Wimbledon Common are we....." they were great.. I remember, now... takes me back a few years... Bloody layabout tramps, they should have got a job instead of cluttering up the place with rubbish and junk.

Posted on 28 July 2008 @ 14:47 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

PS: Thanks Grant, I like your joke a lot. I'm stealing it and making it mine.... "ouch"... lol...teehehee

Posted on 28 July 2008 @ 14:48 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Another joke I recieved via email...loved this one...

____________

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged my Computer and threw out my wine!

__________________________

Posted on 29 July 2008 @ 8:6 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

ha! ha! Thats got me hun oh yea! Im sleeply reading one eye half closed n then the PUNCH! line ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! I likka dat one very much sweetheart GO IRISH!!!!!:) XXXXXXXXXXXX But give me back me wine n plug me in firsty ok xxxxx

Posted on 29 July 2008 @ 9:13 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.... Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's not right!...Sum Ting Wong!

Are you harbouring a fugitive?...Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP!...Kum Hia Nao!

Stupid Man!...Dum Fuk!

Small Horse...Tai Ni Po Ni.

Did you go to the beach?...Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table!...Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni!

I think you need a face lift!...Chin Tu Fat!

It's very dark in here!...Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet!...Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow~away zone!...No Pah King!

Our meeting is scheduled for next week!...Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight!...Lei Ying Lo!

He's cleaning his automobile!...Wa Shing Ka.

Your body odour is offensive!...Yu Stin Ki Pu!

Great!...Fa Kin Su Pa!

Posted on 29 July 2008 @ 17:14 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

When are jokes jokes and when are they racist?

Posted on 29 July 2008 @ 19:35 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

I guess when you know when that person has a kind heart isnt racist and is just having a little fun and trying to make people smile without hurting anyones feelings is how you no well thats my thoughts hunny.....

Drunk Giraffe

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load untill suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door, The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door 'You can't leave that lyin' 'ere!' to which the man replies, 'Its not a lion its a giraffe! BIG HUGS XXXXXXXXXXX

Posted on 29 July 2008 @ 21:6 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Great joke pepper, i wish i could remember, must try harder, will have a joke for you all soon.

*******

Posted on 29 July 2008 @ 21:19 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Ignorance is a poor excuse.

Posted on 29 July 2008 @ 21:50 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

I am no more a racist than I am a Smurfist, Fade.

A joke is a joke, there's no racism there.

Whose being ignorant, by the way? Pepper or me?

****

Please except my humble apologies if I've offended any fellow Chinese posters. It wont happen again.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must order my Oriental take-away.

Think I'll have a

No 4} Dik Sor... Rolled pork fillet rubbed in chile powder, and a

No 17} Hoo Kum On Mat... Thick white rice on ryebread. Followed by a

No 37} Or Jee... Chinese stuffing on bed of mandarins, with a

No 38} Es Kie Mo Kum... Frosted banana cream, and a nice big helping of

No 41} Tu Brik Smak... Puree of nuts.

That should do it.

Posted on 30 July 2008 @ 1:5 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Smurfs are human too... mmmm.. OK, scratch that... Smurfs are deserving of respect because they are blue and cute.... I know a smurfist when I see one.... sure, I know, some of your best friends are Smurfs....

Posted on 30 July 2008 @ 1:22 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Humour is a human gift. Sarcasm if often the counterfeit of true humour that uplifts; humour is not offensive, and does not involve putting another person down, nor making reference based out of ignorance, about other's races, language, creed, religion.

Smurfs rock nads-plain and simple.

Posted on 30 July 2008 @ 1:34 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

Im blue now!!!!!oh soooooooooooooooo blue!!!!! DO B DO Lalalala!!!!!........

blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other.

The rabbit says, "You feel me first." The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit.

He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."

The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!" Then the rabbit feels the snake.

He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."

The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer." :)

Posted on 30 July 2008 @ 8:43 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

THIS IS FOR U SIS!!!!!!!I'LL FIND A BETTER ONE!!!!JUST A LITTLE CAPITAL CHUCKLE!!!!

The Greek father calls his son a couple of days before Christmas and says, "Niko, I hate to ruin your day, but I must tell you that your mother and I are divorcing - forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Mba mba, what are you talking about?" Niko screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, We're sick of

each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister Toula and let her know."

Frantic, the son calls Toula, who explodes on the phone."No way are my loving parents getting divorced!" she shouts.

She calls Dad immediately and screams - - "Patera, you are not getting divorced! Don't do anything until we get there. I'm calling Niko back and we'll be there tomorrow. Do you hear me?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Endaxi,"

he says,"they're coming home for Christmas and paying their own way." (:0) XxXxXxXxXxX

Posted on 30 July 2008 @ 8:53 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Heh heh heh...brrravo!

That's about right wih us Bubbles, so true.

This maybe true too:

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on, until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That may be true, but it was Italians who introduced it to women!"

: ^ o

xXx

Posted on 30 July 2008 @ 11:22 (London time) - permalink
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ChiRaven, posted over a year ago

Diovan,

You've never heard Tom Smith's song "Smurfin' Safari", have you? Now THAT'S humor!

http://tomsmithonline.com/lyrics/smurfin_safari.htm

for the lyrics.

(Ya, I know, I'm sick!)

ChiRaven

Posted on 30 July 2008 @ 15:6 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

THIS MAY BE A COFFEE WARNING FOR OUR TISHA!!!!!!!

A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.

"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen."

The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.

"My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?"

Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!"

The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, "Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!" (:0) XxXxX

Posted on 31 July 2008 @ 8:34 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

COFFEE WARNING MAYBEEEEEE!!!!!!

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him." (:0) xxxxxx

Posted on 1 August 2008 @ 9:35 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Two classics pepper, but the first one was better... pwoor, pwoor, pwssy cat... got no balls.... lol

ChiRaven you are a very bad man, I'm gonna get a gun and find Tom Smith and make him pay.... little blue French fries, indeed, him who hurts little blue cute smurfs, deserves all the enemies he can count.... bad, bad man... smack, smack....

Posted on 1 August 2008 @ 10:23 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

I thought it was funny hunny but Id laugh to see a puddin crawl so me granny said :)

Posted on 1 August 2008 @ 15:43 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

I've never heard the gas pump one, that's very funny. The kitty/vet one is a great classic!!! Ta for the warnings Hun. Now I know when I see you post to carefully set the coffee down and skip to the loo, my darlin', THEN do I read your jokes!!

Posted on 1 August 2008 @ 15:51 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

Its either that or a splattered screen and tenner lady sweety..........

RUDE JOKE SOOOOOOO NO LOOKING IF YOUR INSULTED MAYBE A COFFEE WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TISHA XXXXXXX

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a local gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, afterwhich the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is right,” said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps in the breast.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place. :)

Posted on 1 August 2008 @ 18:58 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

lol... naughty doctor, well if he couldn't beat them, I can understand why he decided to join them.. Thanks Pepper, your jokes are great... lol

Posted on 1 August 2008 @ 19:4 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

That's coffee through the nose, that is!!!!!

Hahahahaheeheehee!!

Posted on 1 August 2008 @ 19:34 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

HA! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! U'LL never guess who's 7 months gone?

Posted on 1 August 2008 @ 20:49 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

I'll bite. It's either a politician or a celebrity who died?

Posted on 1 August 2008 @ 20:50 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Two scottish lassies meet on the deck of a Cunard cruise ship. After discovering that they both come from one of the less affluent parts of Glasgow, the first lassie asks; "So how can you afford this world cruise then?".

And got the reply; "I won it in a competition. How about you, how can you afford it?" Her new pal replies; "Because mah man works fur Cunard." And her mate spits back; "Hey, mah man works furkin hard too!".

Posted on 1 August 2008 @ 20:54 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Heh heh.... "...mah man works furkin hard too!". Like that one, best understood with an accent, me thinks.

Is Pepper pregnant??!!

Posted on 1 August 2008 @ 21:20 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

nope father christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Posted on 2 August 2008 @ 1:17 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

AhAhahAhaha!! Very good, Pepper...

I wondered why he had a fat belly...teehee. Now can we not think about Christmas? Please?? I can't bear the thought of it only being 5 months away.

Bluuuuurrrrrgh!!

He laid her on the table.

So white clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat.

He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast.

And then drooling felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set,

He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside.

All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...

And then he stuffed the turkey.

: )

Posted on 2 August 2008 @ 8:8 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

I didnt mean to put the nope!!!!!but when u said it may be me I went into panic mode after a few bevvys....it was supposed to be just FATHER CHRISTMAS!!!! So that joke went up th kiber!....

DIS MAY BE A COFFEE WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.

Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.

He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes."

He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."

The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus :)

Posted on 2 August 2008 @ 10:46 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!

!!Coffee Splatter Alert!!

'Reincarnation'

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? ... and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately!"

"It's not that easy", said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own." Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom!! For cryin' out loud! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!!"

((( : ^ o

Posted on 3 August 2008 @ 3:54 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

Splutter splutter fookin hecky thump! That made I laugh!!!!!!TEE! HEE!

WARNING MAYBEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests." (:0) X

Posted on 3 August 2008 @ 11:24 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Heeheehee!!

Another 'possible' warning...?

Two old ladies are standing at a bus stop and one of them is smoking. Suddenly it starts raining, so the smoking one takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the cigarette. Her friend asks her: "What are you doing?!?" She replies: "I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom"

Then her friend asks: "What's a condom? Where did you get it?" She says: "At the pharmacy". The next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom. The clerk asks: "What size?"

She replies: "I dunno, one that will fit a camel"

: P

Posted on 3 August 2008 @ 12:1 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

DEF COFFEE WARNING!!!!!!TEEEEEEE!!!HEEEEEEEEE!!!!!Choking on me tuna sarny LOL!!!!!!

TUNA! N COFFEE WARNING!!!!!!! :)

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache." (:0)

Posted on 3 August 2008 @ 17:48 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Oh poop, I was reading pepper's jokes to my wife during dinner and now there are pizza pieces all over the table.

Posted on 4 August 2008 @ 0:18 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

You forgot your coffee warning mate!!!!!!I can Imagine!!!!:)COFFEE TUNA AND PIZZA WARNING!!!!!!!!!!MAYBE!!!!!!!:)

A man goes into a cinema with his dog to watch a film. It's a romantic comedy and when there's a funny seen the dog starts laughing. A little later on there's a sad part and suddenly the dog starts crying.

This goes on throughout the entire film, laughing and crying at all the right places. A man sitting a few rows back has witnessed the entire thing and decides to follow the man out.

In the foyer, he approaches the dog owner and says, "That's truly amazing!"

"It certainly is" The dog owner replied, "He hated the book!" (:0)

Posted on 4 August 2008 @ 9:32 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

No Spikka Di Inglish

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma cumma first. Denna I cum. Denna two asses acumma together. I cumma once-a-more. Two asses, dey'a cumma together again. I cumma again and a pee twice. Denna I cumma one alasta time."

"You foul-mouthed gender obsessed wop swine!!" retorted the lady indignantly, "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our gender lives...... "

"Heya, coola downa lady," said the man. "Whos'a talkin' aboutagendera? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!!

Posted on 9 August 2008 @ 17:2 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

lol I did read that again, that was very clever...

I BET YOU DIDN'T MAKE THAT UP!!!!

Posted on 9 August 2008 @ 17:29 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Speaking of jokes, this is my friends website

www.hidetheplant.piczo.com

Posted on 9 August 2008 @ 18:9 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I LOVE that joke.Ha ha!

Posted on 9 August 2008 @ 21:20 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot...

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' well, what's my daughter's name?'

'Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise'

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?' The doctor replies 'Denephew'

Posted on 10 August 2008 @ 12:30 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

heh heh heh good one phil!

Mummy and Daddy were having a bit of rampant then daddy rolls out the bed to go to the toilet to dump the condom.

Wearing nothing but the rubber he meets little toddler son in the hallway. "Wot u doin daddy?" he says, "I'm er.. lookin for a mouse son." says Daddy in a panic. "Oh" said the little cherub looking in wonder at the johnny on daddys dick.."You gonna fuck it then?"

Posted on 10 August 2008 @ 13:13 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

They had melaughing out loud!

A young man had met a nice young woman. They both liked each other and thought the time was right.

Both of them got naked and the man lay on top of her. Before pushing his d*ck in he waited. Meanwhile his d*ck was having a conversation with his balls.

D*ck: 'OK lads we are going to a party tonight'.

1st Ball: 'You mean you are'.

D*ick: 'What do you mean? You’re invited too'.

2nd Ball: 'Yeh, but you always leave us outside knocking'.

Posted on 10 August 2008 @ 15:19 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Haha nice one BigSis, that had me laughing. It took me FOREVER to get Uncle Phil's joke...now I get it...I guess I'm blonde for a reason!

Posted on 10 August 2008 @ 18:19 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Yeah,I can't get that uncle Phil's joke either.

Posted on 10 August 2008 @ 18:25 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

lol how did it take you forever to work out his?!

I have to say the jokes on this whole forum page is pretty funny

Def. taking some of these off for personal use...muhahahaa..

Posted on 10 August 2008 @ 19:31 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

I can help you , icanhelpu,

'I really like Denise' ... as in HIS NIECE

'Denephew' ...as in HIS NEPHEW

Any clearer?

Bless.

xXx

Posted on 10 August 2008 @ 20:6 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Oh,now I get it.Thank you BigSis.Sometimes I can be really stupid.

Posted on 10 August 2008 @ 20:10 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Gordon Bennett!

Posted on 10 August 2008 @ 20:23 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Tell me about it!

: )

Posted on 10 August 2008 @ 20:38 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

was there 3 then d niece d nephew n d gordon bennett chuckle chuckle snort snort!!!!!! (:0)

Posted on 10 August 2008 @ 21:21 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.

"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

"So what, " said a little girl. "I'm four." :)

Posted on 10 August 2008 @ 21:28 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Teeheehee...

How many of you found these familiar? Eh? Eh?

Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put your hand to your mouth !

Pupil: What ?, and get bitten !

Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing ?

Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening !

Why were you late ?

Sorry, teacher, I overslept.

You mean you need to sleep at home too !

Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.

Class: Hooray

Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it ?

Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me ?

Son: I can't go to school today.

Father: Why not ?

Son: I don't feel well

Teacher: Where don't you feel well ?

Son: In school !

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you ?

Pupil: Not very much !

Father: I hear you skipped school to play football

Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it !

Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.

School Secretary: Who is this ?

Pupil: This is my father speaking !

Father: How do you like going to school ?

Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between !

Posted on 10 August 2008 @ 23:15 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

Teacher: What's you name ?

Pupil: Fred

Teacher: You should say "Sir"

Pupil: OK, Sir Fred !

Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of

Pupil: Life imprisonment !

Teacher: Name four members of the cat family

Pupil: Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens !

Teacher: What is further away, Australia or the Moon ?

Pupil: Australia, you can see the Moon at night !

Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on the map please ?

Pupil: There it is

Teacher: Now, Louise, who discovered Australia ?

Pupil: Fred did !

Pupil: I wished we lived in the olden days

Teacher: Why is that ?

Pupil: We wouldn't have so much history to learn !

Teacher: What kind of birds do you find in captivity?

Pupil: Jailbirds !

Teacher: What is the plural of mouse ?

Pupil: Mice

Teacher: Good, now what's the plural of baby ?

Pupil: Twins !

Teacher: What's the longest word in the English language ?

Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters !

Teacher: I despair, Fred, how do you manage to get so many things wrong in a day ?

Pupil: Because I always get here early sir !

Posted on 11 August 2008 @ 8:29 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

While we're on the subject:-

A lecture is the means by which the notes of the tutor are transferred to the notes of the student without passing through the brain of either.

Posted on 11 August 2008 @ 11:54 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Phil, that's made my brain hurt!

: ^ $

Pepper...they're brilliant, out of the mouth of babes and so true, they say it like it is.

Clever little shits!

Hippy Barfday Mandy. Have a good one! xXx

Posted on 11 August 2008 @ 14:0 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

Here are a few more sis :) X

Teacher: What a glum face, what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours ?

Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it !

Teacher: What are you reading ?

Pupil: I don't know

Teacher: But your reading aloud ?

Pupil: But I'm not listening !

Teacher: Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago ?

Pupil: Me !

Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection ?

Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!

Teacher: How can you prove the world is round ?

Pupil: I didn't say it was !

Teacher: Name two pronouns ?

Pupil: Who ?, me ?

Teacher: What's an American Indian's wife called ?

Pupil: A squaw

Teacher: That's right, and what are their babies called ?

Pupil: Squawkers !

Teacher: Fred, I told you to write this poem out 10 times to improve your handwriting and you've only done it 7 times ?

Pupil: Looks like my counting isn't too good either !

Teacher: Fred, I'm glad to see your writing has improved.

Pupil: Thank you

Teacher: Now I can see how bad your spelling is though !

(:0)

Posted on 12 August 2008 @ 15:23 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

ZEN Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of

me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In

fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try

missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their

shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have

their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to

fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was

probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes

from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

7. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are

moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need

it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...

then things just get worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a

laxative on the same night.

Posted on 14 August 2008 @ 20:51 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain,'Reported Eve.

she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. 'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.

Lets see now. Where did I put the useless tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

Posted on 14 August 2008 @ 22:32 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

lol.. teehee.. lol.. I'm loving it, keep them coming, we want more.....

Posted on 14 August 2008 @ 23:3 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours

Posted on 14 August 2008 @ 23:32 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

Cowboy and the Indians

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse.

The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

STILL CANT SLEEP!!!!!!

Posted on 15 August 2008 @ 5:18 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

heh heh heh good one Mandy.

Not surprised you can't sleep seems you have been a very busy (and naughty) girl.

Check out the Question

"My son's 11 months and still breast feeding, please help?"

And the questioner herself has added ...

"One of my boyfriends family members told me to put pepper on my breast to wean him. Is that safe?"

Yeah sure, as long as her bf doesnt find out!

Posted on 15 August 2008 @ 7:17 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Posted on 15 August 2008 @ 9:13 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

Oh wiz waz!!!!!!!I would answer but NO!!!!!!!

Harley and God

Harley Davidson died and went to heaven and was boasting to god how he had created the best motor bike in the world. God disagreed with Harley and said BMW were a better designed Bike. Harley said what do you know about design you created woman and look at the problems we have with them.

God says ahem and replied back to Harley

"I Think you will find a lot more men are riding my creation than yours." (:0) xxxxxxxxxxxx

Posted on 15 August 2008 @ 10:17 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

hur hur good...Pep and Phil!

A guy walks into a bar with an octopuss under his arm. "£50 bet that this octopuss can play any musical instrument you give it."

The octopuss is gives a violin, guitar, cello and piano. plays the lot and the owner scoops up £200. Scotsman produces a set of bagpipes and says "Bet you the whole lot you won he cant play these!"

The guy accepts the bet. And the octopuss grabs the bagpipes falls off the seat and is rolling all over the floor tangled with the bagpipes for several minutes. The owner starts to panic "C'mon olly stop messing about, play the damn things!" and the red-faced octopuss gasping for breath stops rolling about and yells back; "Eh? What do you mean 'Play'?! I've been trying to get her knickers off!"

Posted on 15 August 2008 @ 11:31 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

HA! Nice one.

Little boy kills a butterfly, dad says, "No butter for you for 2 weeks". Next day, boy kills a honeybee, dad says, "No honey for you for 2 weeks."

Mum then stamps on a cockroach, boy turns to dad and says, "You gonna tell her or shall I?"

Posted on 15 August 2008 @ 15:33 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

This is probably a joke - but you can never be sure! My daughter used to work for Tesco, and 'tis she who sent this to me.

what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.

Posted on 15 August 2008 @ 23:28 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Hey, you guys, these recent jokes have been brilliant! Have to admit, I had to think a bit longer than I should have on the cockroach one.

Benny Phil, I had a peek at snopes.com, you know, the internet mythbuster site? Guess what! This joke has been around for a long time. There's an amusing little discussion about how newly retired men are perceived as being liable to get themselves into trouble with their wives. Here's the pertinent link: http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/spree.asp

Now, BigSis, Waz, Phil, Pepper, please, sir, may I have some more?

Now I'm going to have dreams of octupi wearing plaid knickers.

Posted on 16 August 2008 @ 3:30 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

Cross-Eyed Dog

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

(:0) tee hee!!!!

Posted on 16 August 2008 @ 10:55 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're better now.

@~@~@~@~@~@~heeeee!!!!!!ha!!!!!!twitch!!!!!

Posted on 16 August 2008 @ 10:58 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A Greek and an Italian sat over coffee, discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek said, "We have the Parthenon," arching his eyebrows.

The Italian replied, "We built the Coliseum."

The Greek chortled, "Greeks discovered advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodded and said, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on until the Greek tried to end the discussion.

With a final flourish he said, "Greeks invented sex!"

"True, but Italians introduced it to women!"

Posted on 16 August 2008 @ 11:28 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Hey I heard that one already... who do you sue for plagarism arround here... (Diovanlestat rewinds back and tries to find the offending post)

LOL... It's a pity that every time I hear it, it still sounds funny to me...

Posted on 16 August 2008 @ 13:17 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A Taureg tribesman is wandering through the Sahara Desert with his camel when he comes across a woman buried up to her neck, with the sun beating down on her head. Beads of sweat are pouring down her face.

"What's in it for me if I get you out?" he asks.

With a grin she replies "Sand".

Posted on 16 August 2008 @ 14:26 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

A Cypriot, a Greek and a Turk get caught by the Zulus in the jungle, and are taken to the Zulu chief. The chief tells them, "If you want to leave here alive, go into the jungle pick up a fruit and come back here. So all three of them run off into the jungle.

About an hour later the Cypriot guy returns with an orange. The chief tells him:

"Now shove that orange up your ass and you are free to go."

So the Cypriot guy starts laughing and shoves it up his ass crying from laughter.

The chief and the tribe all look at him wondering what the hell is wrong with him enjoying shoving the orange up his ass.

A couple of minutes later the Greek guy comes running back with an apple and the chief asks him to do the same thing. The Greek guy then cracks up laughing as he shoves the apple up his ass - like he is enjoying it.

The chief being really pissed by now that they both seem to enjoy shoving the fruits up their asses, says to the Greek guy:

" The Cypriot guy came and shoved an orange up his ass and he cried laughing and now you shoved an apple up your ass and you die laughing too. What the hell is wrong with you guys, why do you enjoy this so much??? "

" You're not gonna believe this, the Turk's on his way and he's holding a pineapple!!"

: ^ )

Posted on 16 August 2008 @ 21:50 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.

His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.

"FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.

To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...

"Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.

Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.

"You didn't!" she hoped.

He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."

Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"

"No no really," answers the man.

Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"

He answers, "Oh, *she* got fired too!" :)

Posted on 17 August 2008 @ 22:18 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham". "That's no use, Trevor" said the therapist, "who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley". "That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy?" The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London ".

"Brilliant, Paddy" said the therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

Posted on 18 August 2008 @ 16:13 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered

Posted on 18 August 2008 @ 18:54 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

FEMALE COMPASSION

(NEVER TO BE UNDERESTIMATED)

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said, 'Have you ever been f---ed?' The fellow said 'No.' She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

Posted on 19 August 2008 @ 13:58 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out.

She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.

The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"

The woman replies: "I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

He says, "Oh... what are you taking for it?"

She says: "Pepper."

I come in very usefull for alsorts...COFFEE WARNING MAYBE TISHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (:0)

Posted on 19 August 2008 @ 17:20 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

On a busy Medical/Surgical ward, the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exacty." The doctor then began listing orders:

"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between. Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times. Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."

The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient. The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reveiwing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport".

Posted on 19 August 2008 @ 17:31 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."

Posted on 19 August 2008 @ 17:38 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

You Might Be a Nurse if...

When using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the taps with your elbows.

Your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.

Men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion porn movies about nurses.

Everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.

You want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.

You can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.

You can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spagetti with lots of tomato sauce.

You use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.

Posted on 19 August 2008 @ 17:39 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

After many years at sea, a pirate decided to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job, he thought that he should collect on his worker's compensation insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" asked the agent. In a booming voice the pirate replied, "Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg." The agent replied, "That is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand?" "Well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand," said the pirate. "That's also work related. Now how did you lose your eye?" asked the agent. The pirate replied, "Well matey, I was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!" "What does that have to do with the loss of your eye?" said the agent. "It were the first day with me hook!"

Posted on 19 August 2008 @ 17:45 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

--Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.

2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3.) It is always the right temperature.

4.) It is inexpensive.

5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test

rang, he wrote...

7.) It comes in cute containers.

He got an A

Posted on 19 August 2008 @ 23:20 (London time) - permalink
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Emaz help, posted over a year ago

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

Posted on 20 August 2008 @ 15:43 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do for you?'

'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips, and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'

Posted on 9 September 2008 @ 15:54 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

BLIND COWBOY

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Posted on 9 September 2008 @ 20:25 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Well this littl'un thought it was funny Phil....

: )

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/yt-kCwMZN6NX-g/cute_baby_laughing/

Posted on 10 September 2008 @ 9:58 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

24 groaners

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he

was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes in-verse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

Posted on 21 September 2008 @ 23:51 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

I'm going to add to your groaners, by making up my own...and they're even worse!

Now, in reply to your's...

No 1. Sir Cumference, wasn't he going 'a-round' with Lady Shave?

2. No 'contacts' for the eye doctor then?

3. She may have been a whisky maker, but was also a law enforcement officer, 'D.I Stillery'.

4. Weapon of math disruption? Nah.. doubt it, they're 'outnumbered' by H2o bombs.

5. The butcher never 'minced' again, and wasn't able to take another 'stump rake'.

6. No movement in the enclosure then?

7. That's rubbish, life's a bitch sometimes, eh?

8. And the grenade left Blownapart floored and armless.

9. So the silk worms were neck and neck?

10. Fruit flies like a banana, but have you ever seen a horse fly?

11. A hole in a nudist camp wall would leave an opening for Private Dic!

12. 'Atheism is a non-prophet organization?' Oh dear God, I don't believe it!

13. I'll have to re-cap on that one.

14. Re the baseball ball hitting you..the jury's all out on that one.

15. They kept off the grass so they had a coke and weed instead.

16. And then the penny dropped...

17. Poultry in motion until it laid on the curb.

18. A Eunuch clown has no balls to juggle.

19. The fortune teller offered her services for free, sensing her three randy clients were Small, Medium and Liar!

20. A seasoned veteran, and was condimented for bravery'

21. A backward poet would be drab.

22. I'm all in favour, raise my hand to that.

23. And had their fill of that position.

24. I can con Dom in to safe sex.

Posted on 22 September 2008 @ 4:21 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

No wonder it took you five hours to come back with that lot!

You've either got a very sharp or an over-active brain Sis! You really should go to bed at night!

Posted on 22 September 2008 @ 9:32 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A middle aged bloke decides to take his wife to London to see a show for their anniversary but they arrive in the capital about 3 hours early, so to kill time they decide to go and have a look round Madame Tussaud's waxworks.

They go down into the chamber of horrors where they come across the curator with a clipboard in his hand. The curator says to the bloke "Do us a favour mate, keep 'er moving - we're stocktaking!"

Posted on 22 September 2008 @ 10:3 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Bit of both I guess, Unc, as it happens I knocked that one up in about half an hour, and I had gone to bed ~ but couldn't sleep...

...mind you, after all that I groaned myself off to the Land of Nod.

I must learn to switch off

I must learn to switch

I must learn to

I must learn

I must

Posted on 22 September 2008 @ 10:12 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Lesson for today

Guts or Balls?

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in being smothered to death in your sleep.

Posted on 22 September 2008 @ 19:2 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Guts or Balls? ..Or is it.. Butts or Galls?

Guts and Balls, my dear Uncle P, aren't really that different from each other...

The Guts - Get spewed up after bloating.

The Balls - Get spewed up after bloating.

Then similarly, we have The Butt and The Gall.

The Butts - In some cases - get filled, then pass through.

The Galls - In some cases - get filled - get stoned - are bladdered, then pass out.

Posted on 22 September 2008 @ 21:24 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

PFIZER ANNOUNCEMENT:

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Posted on 23 September 2008 @ 10:50 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

Ha!

You could add that powdered Viagra stuff to your tea too....it'll stop your biscuit from going soft when you dunk it.

Posted on 23 September 2008 @ 11:8 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

This is from my 'original' neck of the woods. I'm amazed the announcer didn't click on - or if he did, he managed to keep a very professional straight face! I think it was a joke, by the way.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=bZ3SVLUolwc&feature=related

Posted on 23 September 2008 @ 15:12 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Manure...A True Story

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf or Bingo term.

Posted on 23 September 2008 @ 17:16 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Here is a joke my friend sent me...thought it was quite typical of us old geezers..who are stumbling through and barely coping with the mysterys of computers!

______________________________

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year

Old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to

Come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID

Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error

Before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it

Out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little sh*t!!

__________________________________________

Posted on 23 September 2008 @ 18:9 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

.... much the same as an RTFM problem then!

Read

The

.F*****g

Manual

Posted on 23 September 2008 @ 19:44 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they're labelled LSD?"

Granny replies, "Fuck yer pills! Have you seen the purple dragons in the kitchen?!!"

Posted on 28 September 2008 @ 23:12 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Jan and her husband Marc went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Jan went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jan to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow.

Jan shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Marc and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

Marc thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

Posted on 2 October 2008 @ 9:16 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up". He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?" The daughter replies: "They make one BIG mess when they defrost, don't they?!

Posted on 8 October 2008 @ 23:51 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Am I the only one who gets jokes on email? Oh well, here's another!

Do you need a laugh?? of course you do. So! What Religion is Your Bra? a?

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'

' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian and the Baptist types. 'Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple'.

The Catholic type supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;

The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there...

{C} Can't Complain!..

{D} Dang!...

{DD} Double dang!...

{E} Enormous!...

{F} Fake...

{G} Get a Reduction...

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...

Posted on 11 October 2008 @ 17:43 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid cow.........why else would I buy dog food??

Posted on 17 October 2008 @ 20:3 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Hey all you men out there, do you want to know the best way to make your wife scream during sex?

Phone her!!!

Posted on 19 October 2008 @ 5:33 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

... and the best way to make her moan is to wipe it on the curtains.

(:o)

Posted on 19 October 2008 @ 21:5 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

What is a man's idea of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

(:0)

Posted on 19 October 2008 @ 21:31 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Don't knock the padded headboard, I was thinking of buying one with a built in air bag!!!LOL!

How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll?????

We don't know it's never been done!!

Why do blonds (I am blond right now, I can say this joke) like Cheeze wiz so much???

Because Cheeze Wiz adds Personality!!

How do you drown a blond?

Put a scratch & sniff at the bottom of the pool.

So this blond walked up to the pepsi machine, she puts a loonie in, pushes the button and a pop comes out. So she does it again, put's a loonie in, pushes a button and a pop comes out. After a couple of minutes of watching this a man walks up to her and asks "excuse me maam, what exactly are you doing??" and she replies "Duh, I'm WINNING!!!"

Why does a woman wear white on her wedding day?

So the dishwasher matches the fridge and stove!

The other day I sat down at my computer to find that there was whiteout all over the screen. So I asked my daughter if she knew anything about it, then she began to explain "I was typing my homework assignment and made some spelling mistakes so I need to make the corrections so I whited out my answers"

Well you just can't beat that!! Priceless!

Posted on 20 October 2008 @ 1:53 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Welcome to 3 Minute Management Course training in preparation for the first quarter of 2009 in Five (5) easy lessons... be sure to read all 5.

Lesson 1/5

A man is getting into the shower as his wife is getting out, when the doorbell rings. She quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs down the stairs. She opens the door to Fred, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Fred says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, she drops it and stands naked in front of Fred. After a few seconds, Fred hands her $800 and leaves. Wrapping herself in the towel, as she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks: 'Who was that?' 'It was Fred the next door neighbour' she replies. 'Great!' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders (and Management team), in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2/5

A priest offered a Nun a lift. As she sat in the car, she could not help but reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' He removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized. 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak'.. Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,

'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3/5

A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie

pops out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish'. 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas driving a speedboat, without a care in the world'. Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of some Pina Coladas and the love of my life'. Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up', the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'.

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4/5

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5/5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull S_ _ _ might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

This ends the 3 minute management course, now get back to work.

Posted on 22 October 2008 @ 23:33 (London time) - permalink
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birdynumnums, posted over a year ago

I like it.

And along the same lines as the previous joke, and for the fourth or fifth time - - -

"How do you make a hormone?"

"Kick her in the shins..."

Ba da bum, Tschhhh!!!!

Posted on 23 October 2008 @ 1:5 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

The government decided the population is exceeding limits in one of the small villages in India.So they sent a medical team to help them understand about contraceptives.An hour long seminar was held.Loads of free condoms were distributed to every family in the village.A truckload of condoms was left at the local hospital as well.After a year the same medical team visited the village.They went to the local hospital first.The doctor was very happy to notice half of the condoms were down.When he looked at the birth statistics he was confused that it was just the same.They called for a village panchayat(a kind of meeting) again.When the doctor asked them why is the population not dwindling in spite of the condoms being used,one of the villagers hesitantly got up and shyly said ,"Doctor saab!We do wear a condom every time exactly the way you showed us -on our index finger"

Posted on 23 October 2008 @ 14:40 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a shop and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the shop assistant, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the assistant the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds." :)

Posted on 23 October 2008 @ 21:1 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Ah! The old ones are the best! Here's another one!

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you." "I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F**k him. Give him a fiver." She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea.

Posted on 25 October 2008 @ 23:32 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

This is for you uncy phil if the bloody thing works!!!!!!!!!!!

((.)(.))

) .(

( Y )

Coffee warning! I miss Tisha!

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my mates whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not." (:0)

Posted on 28 October 2008 @ 16:3 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Well Peps, it nearly works, but I do get the idea! Nice pair!

Posted on 28 October 2008 @ 16:6 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

oh poop it looks more like a deranged animal than a sexy woman sorry.....

((.)((.))

).(

(Y)

Posted on 28 October 2008 @ 16:7 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

BUGGER IM LEAVING IT UP TO SIS SHE THE BEST AT THAT ONE!!!!Ooooh sor caps again, the thought was there hun XXXXXXX

Posted on 28 October 2008 @ 16:9 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

The 'Trouser Snake'....The most DANGEROUS Snake in the WORLD!!!

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world.

DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin). Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on it's mood & subspecies.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump, then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal.

Beware: It has been known to attack men from behind!

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete

recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

4. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily

a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

Posted on 29 October 2008 @ 22:36 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Have you ever tried a PhD in sexology.am serious here....

Posted on 29 October 2008 @ 22:53 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Bitten by that kind of snake before. It caused 9 months of swelling(lol).

Posted on 29 October 2008 @ 23:20 (London time) - permalink
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BigSis, posted over a year ago

That particular kind of snake dates back to prehestoric times, and was originally called a 'Penisorearse'.

See? You learn something new every day,

Posted on 30 October 2008 @ 1:10 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Hah! I'm gonna keep my eye out for that kind of snake! If I see it I'll chop it's head off!! Just kidding.

Posted on 30 October 2008 @ 3:51 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I still don't understand 'heads' or 'tails' of the snake.When all the dinosaurs became extinct the penosaurus stayed on.....Any ideas as to how..?

Posted on 30 October 2008 @ 10:12 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

Randy I guess hun!!!!!!lol! XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Posted on 30 October 2008 @ 11:14 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Moral of the story is:If you are randy you get to live a long and rewarding life;)

In India there are arranged marriages

Wife:Dear our girl has reached the marriageable age.Its time to find a husband for her.

Husband:I know darling but all the guys out there are asses.I don't want my baby girl to marry anyone of them

Wife:Just think if my parents had thought of it that way we wouldn't be married at all!!

Posted on 30 October 2008 @ 12:25 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

People were in their pews talking at church.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said,

'Don't you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man in an even tone.

'Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And, you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.

Posted on 30 October 2008 @ 16:31 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

*howls* *pees self*

OH MY HECK! This is classic. Can't believe I haven't heard it before.

I'm going to post it in my dating profile.

Incedently, I said something similar about my EX Mother In Law.

I even made a name plate that said #1 Right hand Woman to Satan. The hubby never okayed this gift.

Instead I sighed and opted to give her a beautiful poem in a picture frame speaking of a MOther's Love and gift, and how her son thanked her.

I liked that she cried. She human and not some alien that was dropped off here because they couldn't put up with her HUUUUUGGGGE ass either.

Posted on 30 October 2008 @ 16:34 (London time) - permalink
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birdynumnums, posted over a year ago

Three guys are hunting, an American, a Czech and a German. They are hunting bear. They have been watching a pair of bears mating in the woods, when the bears become aware of their scent. The bears turn and run towards the three hunters, who in turn start running, weapons in hand. The bears catch the slowest runner and one proceeds to kill him. The other two hunters continue running. They prop themselves against a tree, wondering what their next move should be, when out of the brush, the two bears are starting to come towards them - Again! The German decides that the female bear is probably the killer, because they always protect their young. He raises his weapon and before he can shoot, the American has shot the other Bear!!! "WHY did you shoot him?"

"Because the Czech's always in the Male."

Ba da bum, tschhh!

That's a hell of a long way to go for a really bad pun, is it not???

Posted on 30 October 2008 @ 17:6 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

That's absolutely correct, Birdy!

Posted on 30 October 2008 @ 17:14 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EGCwPXDR-0&feature=related

Posted on 30 October 2008 @ 17:49 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

Great stuff u guys cant stop giggling!

coffee warning!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took

out a doggie biscuit, which he fed to the dog.

A busy body who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!".

The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find which end is his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass".

Posted on 30 October 2008 @ 20:20 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Oh Mandy! (as Barry manilow once said) My sides are now aching, thanks to you - and Lynne can't concentrate on 'The Bill' !!

Any more like that will be gratefully received!

Posted on 30 October 2008 @ 20:38 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Yee Haw. That's a good one. Made me guffaw. I actually now know what a guffaw sounds like.

Posted on 30 October 2008 @ 20:38 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Peps!Its not fair.Its 2:30 am and we have severe rules about loud noises.I am sure all the neighbors are trying to dress up.I am going to get a severe hearing for the loudest laugh ever!ROFL

Posted on 30 October 2008 @ 20:57 (London time) - permalink
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birdynumnums, posted over a year ago

Thanks for the Denis Leary sketch, Fade. 8^D

Posted on 30 October 2008 @ 23:6 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

There are just some people that make cursing and swearing sophisticated and harmless. :P He's just one of my favs.

Welcome. ;)

Posted on 30 October 2008 @ 23:29 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

only twying to lift spiwits bugs hun! 2-30 eh! we had a crash of thunder enough to sink the island around then, All you heard in this house was SSSSSSSHIIIT!

COFFEE WARNING!!!!!!!!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."

Posted on 31 October 2008 @ 9:4 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Customer : Waiter, do you serve pigs?

Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Lady : Is this my train?

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.

Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Posted on 4 November 2008 @ 6:57 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...

Stupid Question:-

Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:-

Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

----------------------------------------------

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes

steps on your feet...

Stupid Question:-

Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-

No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

-----------------------------------------------------

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:-

Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:-

Why? Would it rather have been you?

----------------------------------------------------

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:-

Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??

Answer:-

No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally

also spit in it.

-----------------------------------------------

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you

after years...

Stupid Question:-

Darling, you've become so big.

Answer:-

Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

----------------------------------------------------

6. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question:-

Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:-

No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry

or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

------------------------------------------------------

7. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:-

Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:-

No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

---------------------------------------------------

8. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your

mouth...

Stupid Question:-

Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:-

No it wont. It will just bleed.

---------------------------------------------------

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...

Stupid Question:-

Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:-

Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in

flames!!!

----------------------------------------------------

Posted on 4 November 2008 @ 7:1 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

Oh hunny you made me laugh sooooo much :)

This is my life!

Mum your roots need doing your going grey (NOT EVEN HALF AN INCH)

No shit, I only brush my hair a few times a day didn't notice that!!!!!

Mum is that your bath water?

No I ran the bath just to see how long it took to fill!!!!!!

Mum did you just put the kettle on?

Yes love I tried it but it didn't fit!!!

Mum are you going on the computer?

No I'm just sitting here staring at it...LOL!!!!!

Rob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really pissed off.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Posted on 4 November 2008 @ 8:12 (London time) - permalink
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birdynumnums, posted over a year ago

Anyone who knows the whereabouts of Rob is asked to notify authorities. He was last seen at 5 p.m. after arriving back home...

Whatever happened to the bad pun jokes "What's the difference between?" I only remember two...

What's the difference between a Goldfish and a Goat? One mucks around in a fountain, and the OTHER...

What's the difference between a Pygmy Tribe and a Girls Track Team? One's a bunch of cunning runts, and the OTHER...

Fill in your own answers. There have to be more...

Posted on 4 November 2008 @ 16:19 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

What about the really bad ones like...

What do you call a man with a biscuit on his head???Lionel richtea!

What do you call a man with a plank on his head?

Edwood!!!!!And the worst one of them all what do you call a man with a lavatory on his nuggin JOHN!!!!!!!Oh my (:0) nice one birdy love, yows always makes I giggle like a loony :)

Posted on 4 November 2008 @ 19:18 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Birdy and Pepsy give me some water warnings.I am cleaning my keyboard.ha ha.

There was this male software engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life.

A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"

"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman (who was a mechanical engineer). "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem," replied the woman (who was also a geologist), "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed."

" I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron," said the woman (who was also an accomplished metallurgist). "I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Well, let's row over to my place,"she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman (who was also a bodybuilder) easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white (she was also a civil engineer and an architect).

"It's not much, " she said, "but I call it home. Sit down, please, would you like to have a drink?"

"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice," said the woman (who was, of course, also a chemical engineer, experienced in brewing and distillation), "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".

"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism (as you've probably guessed, she had a degree in Industrial Design as well). The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs.

"You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.

And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me," she said, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me.... Can I check my email from here?"

Posted on 4 November 2008 @ 19:39 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I think you're the one that needs to issue water warnings Bugs!!

That was a belter. Must copy and paste and forward it to my whole address book!

Posted on 4 November 2008 @ 20:0 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Bugs, that was fantastic, just going to copy and paste it to my favourite stuff, well done mate, wish i could think of one, but when i do, i will post it on here.

xxxx

Posted on 4 November 2008 @ 20:21 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

We get engineer jokes all the times.Will come back with more.This is a true incident that happened to me.

Ms.X:Hey Bugs.My website is not working

Bugs:Can you please contact the software support team.

Ms.X:you software engineers build such rotten websites.I have been trying for 15 min just to click a button

(After a few minutes of checking)

Bugs:The website is working on my local server

(My manager who noted something was wrong)

Bugs did you update the wrong code on the main server?

Now I am at the end of my tether

Ms.X:So much of my time is getting wasted

I went to her PC and do you know what was wrong??

she had pulled the mouse's wire from her PC with her inch long heels by mistake.

The look on her face-Priceless!

Posted on 4 November 2008 @ 21:15 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

People in Hell were having a great party.The people in heaven got disturbed.So they went up there and said "If you don't reduce that noise we are going to sue you".One of the people from hell quietly tittered,"How would you?All the lawyers are with us!"

Posted on 4 November 2008 @ 22:14 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........

'I'll try it - but just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

Posted on 5 November 2008 @ 9:3 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

ROFL.Uncle Phil you just rock!!

Some more jokes I found on the web

------------------------------------------------

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."

--------------------------------------------------

The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."

The genie responded, "Er.... I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."

The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"

Genie thinks for a while and says: "let me see that map again."

-------------------------------------------------

Indian Dad to his friend:

My wife is unhappy because our son is marrying an American girl.

I am happy because he is not marrying an American boy.

---------------------------------------------------

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a bit of a game out of it. He says he'll bring the girl over with two other women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, 'OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?'

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, 'The one in the middle.'

The young man is astounded. 'How in the world did you figure it out?'

'Easy,' she says. 'I don't like her.'

-------------------------------------------------------

Posted on 5 November 2008 @ 15:9 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

HE! HE! Uncy phil ur sooooooo funny hunny (:0)

Bugs hunny I just told you I was making coffee!!!!!(:0)

COFFEE, TEA, N PEEING PANTS WARNING!!!!!!I wish Tisha was back, That always reminds me of her I miss you sweety.....XX

A visitor to a mental institution asked the director how it was decided which patients should be kept in and which were ready to be discharged.

The director said: ”Well, we fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub”.

The visitor said, “Oh, I see, and of course a normal person would chose the bucket because it’s the biggest”.

The director said: “No! A normal person would pull the plug out.”

“Would you like a bed near the window?”

Posted on 5 November 2008 @ 16:38 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(folks, you're gonna luv this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

Posted on 5 November 2008 @ 19:5 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?

... A receding hair line. HEHEHE!HAHAHA! (:0)

Posted on 5 November 2008 @ 22:9 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Hey Tisha absolutely loved your reasons of absence.I guess they were in another thread.How about some more jokes?Hugs to welcome you back.Bugs.

off to sleep now.Have a great day aunts/uncles.

Posted on 5 November 2008 @ 23:12 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. Earth was no better for them than it was the cat.

They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.

One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

(:0) goodnight dear fwiends XXXXXXXXXXX

Posted on 6 November 2008 @ 20:5 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a

fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt

and pants and made mad passionate love to the man

right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the

river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,

and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so

he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,

riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman

guided the boat down the river when he came upon

another fork in the river and he asked the

lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked

you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad

passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing

my hearing aid and I thought the choices were

fuck or drown.'

Posted on 10 November 2008 @ 22:4 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

LoL.My maid might think that I have lost my screws as I am laughing all by myself.Thanks Uncle Phil.am still laughing.can't stop.

Posted on 11 November 2008 @ 9:40 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

What do you call a woodpecker with no beak ?

A head banger ! LOL!!! I laugh at meself :)

Posted on 11 November 2008 @ 9:51 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the showroom.

Taking off down the freeway, he floored it to 120kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nut case as he floored it to 150kph, then 170, then 200kph.

Suddenly, he thought,? What on Earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch-up.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, ' Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.

If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.' The man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.' 'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.

Posted on 11 November 2008 @ 22:5 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Benny!!! That up and down one!!!! I didn't see the punchline coming! Please sir, may we have some more?

Posted on 11 November 2008 @ 22:28 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Pepps! Meals on wheels! Where was the warning? And I've got my new computer to think of...

Posted on 11 November 2008 @ 22:32 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

In the beginning, God created Earth and rested.

Then God created man and rested.

Then God created woman.

Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

-------------------------------------------------

This is an old one.

God was fed up. In a crash of thunder heyanked up to Heaven three influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.

"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a god. The bad news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."

Yeltsin in Russia announced to Parliament: "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a god after all. The worse news is God's mad and is going to end the world in a week."

Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to create a service pack to fix the new OS that we launched"

--------------------------------------------------

Just in case you think you are TC ("Technologically Challenged"), the following is an excerpt from an article in the Wall Street Journal:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

7. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer," The user had tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

8. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened," The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

9. Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What Power switch?"

10. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with that disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in.," The user hadn't realized "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

Posted on 12 November 2008 @ 2:51 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I thought God didn't quite get it right when he made Adam so he created Eve, wasn't that why he finally quit creating?

Posted on 12 November 2008 @ 15:17 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

He probably thought it was a good time to quit in case he made another balls-up of things!

Posted on 12 November 2008 @ 16:7 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

(:0) COFFEE WARNING!!!!!!!! (:0)

It was the mail man's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar"

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Posted on 12 November 2008 @ 18:15 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

PENIS RESEARCH

In 1991, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, Germany decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the WOMAN more pleasure during sex.

Poland , unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After three weeks and a cost of around $75.47, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Posted on 14 November 2008 @ 14:42 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

HE!HE! (:0)

Posted on 14 November 2008 @ 14:57 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

So THAT'S why men are so thickheaded... :D

Posted on 14 November 2008 @ 15:49 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

HE!HE! AGAIN!!!!!!XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Posted on 14 November 2008 @ 17:28 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

1 SALAD DODGER.

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

2 SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive person.

3 TESTICULATING.

Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

4 BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

5 SEAGULL MANAGER.

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

6 ASSMOSIS.

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

7 SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

8 CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.

9 PRAIRIE DOGGING.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

10 SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.

11 SINBAD.

Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

12 AEROPLANE BLONDE.

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

13 PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14 ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' - needless paperwork and processes.

15 404.

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.

16 AUSSIE KISS.

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

17 OH-NO SECOND.

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

18 GREYHOUND.

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

19 JOHNNY-NO-STARS.

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

20 MILLENNIUM DOMES.

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nowt in there worth seeing.

21 MONKEY BATH

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

22 MYSTERY BUS.

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

23 MYSTERY TAXI.

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

24 BEER COAT.

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am

25 BEER COMPASS.

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

26 BREAKING THE SEAL.

Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

27 TART FUEL.

Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

28 TRAMP STAMP.

Tattoo on a female

29 PICASSO BUM.

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

Posted on 18 November 2008 @ 20:1 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

LoL.

Uncy Phil I was 404 about all these things.

I work in a cube farm and prairie dogging is a common scene.Blamestorming takes away most of our time and further increases the project deadline by almost a month.Hee Hee.

To add to the above list,

BARNSTORMING: The sound of a teenage girl's dad breaking the door of her room after her entry with the boyfriend, accompanied by blasphemous moans.

Posted on 19 November 2008 @ 5:10 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Just for Tisha to hopefully brighten up her day.

Dave and Jim were a couple of Aussie drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Philadelphia.'

Posted on 19 November 2008 @ 18:41 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

Real Life Doctor Stories

"A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely dis robed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Posted on 3 December 2008 @ 8:19 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

ABC's of ex girlfriends

is for Arteries.

You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

stands for Kill.

is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

Posted on 3 December 2008 @ 19:46 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

ROFL!Wintry that was too good!

Posted on 3 December 2008 @ 20:8 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A seasonal joke - but a very old one!

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Posted on 5 December 2008 @ 17:21 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

This is not a joke my loves, But sis would be proud so this is for u hunny....THIS MAY BE A COFFEE WARNING TISHA!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Dsk2ZtMFMs

Posted on 5 December 2008 @ 22:30 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

Sorry wrong one this is it......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrnFLGgip2w&NR=1

Posted on 5 December 2008 @ 22:33 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?

'£124,237.64' The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did you sell him?'

Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Land Rover Discovery'.

The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady and I said......... 'Well, since your weekend's Stuffed, you might as well go fishing.'

Posted on 7 December 2008 @ 20:47 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

LOL!!!Uncy phil good job I haven't made me coffee yet!!!!(:0)HUGS XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Posted on 8 December 2008 @ 8:58 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I'll have to get myself a female doctor next time! Talk about a topical 'joke'!!

PROSTATE CHECK

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'.

Posted on 8 December 2008 @ 21:0 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

LOL, "uncle", sounds as if I selected the wrong career. Good one, I will remember!!!!!

Posted on 9 December 2008 @ 0:6 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks 'I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.' So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by their walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, 'this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.'

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!'

Posted on 9 December 2008 @ 14:44 (London time) - permalink
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TELLULAH, posted over a year ago

Man comes home from work very late, and decides to give his wife a sexy surprise. So he goes up to the bedroom very quitely and gets into the bed from the bottom, pulls her pants down and gives her oral sex, after a lot of moaning and groaning he slips back out of the bed and goes to the bathroom to clean himself up, only to find his wife standing there. "What the f**k are you doing in here" he asks. "Shut up shouting, your mother is in our bed and you will wake her up"

Posted on 9 December 2008 @ 15:33 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and

spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Posted on 10 December 2008 @ 23:2 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his buttocks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Elastoplast and began putting a plaster as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty plaster box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'How could you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...

...it's all those Elastoplasts stuck on the hall mirror.

Posted on 11 December 2008 @ 13:37 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am,may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired.' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road, and now,

sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'

Posted on 12 December 2008 @ 20:29 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Good one "uncle" Phil!

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.

"Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:

"Now you know!"

Posted on 12 December 2008 @ 21:6 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

There's this bloke that starts to chat up a girl in a nightclub. She's rather good looking and fragrant and he says to her "You smell nice, what's that perfume you're wearing?"

She answers "It's 'Classique' by Jean Paul Gaultier. You don't smell too bad yourself, what have you got on?"

He replies "I've got a hard-on, but I didn't realise you could smell it."

Posted on 14 December 2008 @ 13:1 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

*looks at watch*

Four days and no new joke for us?

Come on Unca Phil...pick up the slack. ;)

Posted on 18 December 2008 @ 16:51 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck." (:0)

Posted on 18 December 2008 @ 18:28 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Pepper! How are you?How are you feeling?

Missed ya around.Lots of hugs,bugs

Posted on 18 December 2008 @ 19:19 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I rise to thy challenge, oh Fade, thee fair maiden. . . . .

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom.

The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.

So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester.

He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch.

She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hi deous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared..

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.

But what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.

The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but a t night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly

Posted on 18 December 2008 @ 19:25 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

You Know You're an Internet Addict When...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You are an Internet Addict when...

1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.

11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

12.) Your dog has its own home page.

13.) You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

14.) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

17.) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.

19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

20.) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.

21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

22.) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

23.) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."

24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

Posted on 18 December 2008 @ 19:46 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Uncle...that was BRILL. :P

When on the loo: Tis better to download than upload.

Posted on 18 December 2008 @ 21:12 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I think that's what the fella with the foam might have said!

Posted on 18 December 2008 @ 21:19 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

He had diarrhea on top of it to boot????

MAN!!!!

Posted on 18 December 2008 @ 21:20 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

What sucks is when you are taking a might dump and when the bugger hits the water...toilet water splashes back up into your bunghole.

does it have to be so damned cold??

Posted on 18 December 2008 @ 21:21 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I don't know about diarrhoes - but I think he may have shit himself . . .

Posted on 18 December 2008 @ 21:41 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Well then wasn't he lucky to be near a toilet...does the universe ever line up like that for just anyone?

Posted on 18 December 2008 @ 21:47 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Oh Fade! You certainly have a way of expressing things in the most elucidating way! Now will you please excuse me while I choke on my rum? It doesn't taste quite the same when it comes out your nose.

Posted on 18 December 2008 @ 22:4 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

AT least it's coming out of the nose...and keep the empty for Eyes...she likes to use those things for all the anal sex posters.

*snickers*

Posted on 18 December 2008 @ 22:15 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother. 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie at the playground!!!!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'it reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally 's Mom asked. 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No.....Salty.'

Posted on 23 December 2008 @ 13:22 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

===============Bathroom Sayings=================

1. Here I sit, in the hall of vapors.

Some darn fool done stole the papers.

The bell has rung I must not linger.

Look out ass here comes my finger.

(Variation) Here I sit in deadly vapor,

Wishing for some toilet paper.

How long, I wonder, must I linger,

Before I'm forced to use my finger?

(Variation) Here I sit

In the halls

of Vapor.

Some darn fool

Done stole

the Paper

(Variation) Here I sit,

In the vapor.

Last guy in,

Used all the paper!

2. Found printed on a condom machine.

"This is the worst chewing-gum I have ever ate!"

3. Seen written on a stall in a men's bathroom:

"My wife follows me everywhere."

Written just below it:

"I do not."

4. Those who write on bathroom walls,

Roll their shit in little balls.

And you who read these words of wit,

Eat those little balls of shit.

5. Here I sit, broken hearted

Came to shit and only farted.

Wasted a dime, but what the hell,

At least I can sit, and enjoy the smell.

(Variation) Here I sit, broken hearted,

Paid a dime and only farted.

The next time I took a chance,

Saved a dime and shit my pants.

(Variation) Here I sit lonely hearted,

Tried to shit, but only farted.

Back at my desk I take a chance,

Tried to fart, but shit my pants.

6. Found this on a condom machine at a local tavern.

"For a full refund, please deposit baby here!"

7. Be like Pop,

Not like Sis.

Lift the lid,

Before you Piss!

8. Some come here to sit and think,

Some come here to shit and stink.

I come here to scratch my balls,

And read the writing on the walls.

(Variation) Some come here to sit and think

And write upon the wall.

I come here to shit and stink

And scratch my hairy balls.

9. What do you call Willy Wonka's bathroom?

The candy man can.

10. Women's bathroom:

"We aim to please,

Men claim to please."

One over a Urinal:

"We aim to please.

You AIM TOO, PLEASE!"

12. (in a large nasty scrawl)

"I fucked your mother!"

(below it in smaller more precise script)

"Go home Dad, you're drunk!"

Posted on 23 December 2008 @ 16:33 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

A Kiwi ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Aussie: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Aussie: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,

Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Aussie: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Aussie: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f***ing liar......!'

Posted on 1 January 2009 @ 13:40 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

*laughs hysterically*

NO WAY!! That was way funny.

I can't generate the jokes, but will share a short youtube clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21TqRJMcOrI&feature=related

Posted on 1 January 2009 @ 20:18 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Why count sheep at night to aid in falling asleep, just butt bang the poor thing and roll over and snore away the night.

Isn't it grand to be a Man??

Posted on 1 January 2009 @ 20:25 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Uncy Phil!Where is he?Now when I count sheep I might also see a man standing over it.Ewwww!

That was way too funny!Thanks Uncy!

Posted on 1 January 2009 @ 21:0 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

He's here Bugs - just. He's recovering from the effects of too much over-indulgence in the frutis of the sugar cane.

Fade - you're right - men can also pee standing up by the side of the road, or up against a tree.

Posted on 1 January 2009 @ 21:19 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Well so could women, it's just after the firehose spray begins to Peter down...you have to squat and be mindful of the tree bark, no one wants that kinda wood up the backside...

Actually after being on this site...it's fair to say that MOST women don't want that type of wood up their backside...

Let alone the WANGER kind.

Posted on 1 January 2009 @ 21:29 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

....but you must admit - there ARE a few of them that do! (if some of the questions on here are anything to go by).

I see you understand the correct usage of the word! I had to chuckle about the way you made the connection. Start the year as you mean to go on!

Posted on 1 January 2009 @ 23:56 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

I told you, I'm making the best of that word...Oh Yah!!

Posted on 2 January 2009 @ 0:7 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's d*mn near perfect.'

And then the fight started......

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man

'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.

He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as

Fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom

And screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

? I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it..... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!! ". So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started....

Posted on 2 January 2009 @ 20:44 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

(:0)UNCY PHIL LOL!!!!!!!!

THREE PROUD PARENTS!

3 men were gathering one day to talk about how successful there sons were doing.

The first man says, "My son has been doing so successful as a lawyer he got a mansion and shares it with his friend."

The second man says, "My son has been so successful as a doctor that he bought a Convertible and a private jet for his friend."

The third man says, "Well, my son hasn't been so "successful". In fact, I just learned he was gay and I've accepted that fact. I guess he must be doing good though because he lives in a mansion with his friend and owns a private jet and a convertible." :)

Posted on 3 January 2009 @ 10:7 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?

Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do as she's told

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Women will never be equal to men.. until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Posted on 3 January 2009 @ 10:55 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

MEN ARE LIKE!!!!!!(:0)

... Blenders.

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

... Chocolate Bars.

Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

... Coffee.

The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

... Commercials.

You can't believe a word they say.

... Computers.

Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

... Coolers.

Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

... Copiers.

You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

... Curling Irons.

They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

... Government Bonds.

They take way too long to mature.

... Horoscopes.

They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

... Lava Lamps.

Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

... Mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

... Parking Spots.

The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

... Popcorn.

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

... Weather.

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXHUGSXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Posted on 4 January 2009 @ 11:30 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Nice one Peps! Nice to have a bit of rivalry between the sexes! (all good natured of course!)

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. 'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? 'Morris Fishbien,' he replied. 'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?' 'For about 60 years.' '60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?' 'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.' 'I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.' 'I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.' 'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?' 'Like I'm talking to an effing wall.'

Posted on 4 January 2009 @ 12:9 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

hehehehe!!!!!!!!!(:0)

Posted on 4 January 2009 @ 12:46 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Pepper and Phil,

Your jokes are hilarious! I needed that good read this morning...lightened my day, I tell ya. Here's one I found--just wanted to share. Dedicated to us ladies.

____________________

I'm Glad I'm A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections

I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt

my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut

and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind

I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing

I don't have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb

I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball

I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won't tell you 'my wife just does not understand'

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see

you can forget all about that old penis envy

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true

I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

_________________________________

Now..one for the guys.

_____________________________

I'm Glad I'm A Man

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.

I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts

I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers

and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,

I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair

and I don't go around checking my reflection

in everything shiny from every direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early

then when you ask "why", get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing

I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back

I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you

or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too

I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two balls and stand when I pee

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball

It's more fun than dealing with women after all

I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work

I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure

I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days

I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true

I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

_______________________________________________

Posted on 4 January 2009 @ 19:24 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Brilliant Irish! There's nothing as good as a balanced argument!

Posted on 4 January 2009 @ 19:35 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

IN A NUTSHELL!!!!!

How to Impress a Woman:

compliment her,

kiss her,

caress her,

love her,

comfort her,

protect her,

hold her,

spend money on her,

wine & dine her,

listen to her,

stand by her,

support her,

go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to Impress a Man:

show up naked,

bring beer. (:0)

Posted on 5 January 2009 @ 8:59 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ...

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams..

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Posted on 5 January 2009 @ 10:26 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

Posted on 5 January 2009 @ 11:53 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

COFFEE WARNING PLEEEEASE!!!!!!!(:0)

Posted on 5 January 2009 @ 14:44 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Coffee warnings: a necessity!!! You guys have posted some great stuff here.... B^D

Posted on 5 January 2009 @ 16:33 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

You ladies will hate this one! (not)

THINK BEFORE YOU ASK

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day Amen!"

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog, then, it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then he set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! please, let us trade back. Amen!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night

Posted on 5 January 2009 @ 16:59 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

What's "ironing"?

Posted on 5 January 2009 @ 17:9 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Isn't that when things turn out the opposite of what you intended?

Posted on 5 January 2009 @ 17:17 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Ironing? That's something my other half does to stop her getting bored.

I guess you're right Tisha - that's why I never complain!

Posted on 5 January 2009 @ 17:54 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

This thread is taking ages to load now. Who's for starting up a 'Jokes Mk11' thread?

Posted on 5 January 2009 @ 17:55 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted over a year ago

yea what's all this ironing and running around about eh!!!!!!!!My heads just spinnin from reading all that! OK I'm a man my secret is out (:0)

Posted on 5 January 2009 @ 17:57 (London time) - permalink
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