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Should I lie and say the baby is his?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Dating, Health, Pornography, Sex, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 May 2018) 19 Answers - (Newest, 2 June 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Ive made a mess but now ive got to grow up and sort it out. Me and my 'ex'boyfriend had a break , we didnt say what each other can or cant do and if we were going to get back together. I had a feeling he was seeing someone else but just left him to it. I met someone and ended up having a one night stand and now im pregnant (4-5 week ) . I told the guy and he said hes not interested. My ex has got back in touch and said lets get back together . Its wrong to lie and tell him the baby is his . Do i tell him what happened or tell him its over and not say a word ? itd probably crush him knowing im pregnant with someone elses baby. These things happen so no lectures

View related questions: a break, crush, get back together, my ex, one night stand

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2018):

be honest from the start, it's the only way

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2018):

Wow, so many people misread this! I think you're jumping to a big conclusion that he will be crushed by the news. Sometimes people are surprising. I don't think you have much to lose by being upfront with him.

Best of luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2018):

Finally one other option is that if he is a transexual man or someone who has been trying to get you pregnant and been unsuccessful because he's firing blanks then he might be happy to embark on a journey into parenthood.

The altenatives are costly and fraught with anxiety.

The best thing you could do would to be honest with him as he will find out anyway.

If you both want to become parents then you have your chance, but dont assume he does.

It maybe best just to tell him and see what he thinks but ultimately the decision to proceed or not is your own.

And financially it is also on your shoulders alone, unless he wants to assume responsibility.

In general most people think that the doctors is a good place to go to discuss your realities.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2018):

You dont have to bring this child into the world and your doctor could help you to terminate this pregnancy as their was no intention or committment from either of you.

If you decide to proceed with the pregnancy then you must be prepared to go it alone as the boyfriend may not want a journey into parenthood.

If you struggled to concieve a child together he may be happy to become a dad.

It would be sensible to tell him but it takes a rare man to be prepared to parent a child that is not his own.

Finally , as its early days you could pretend it was his sperm that got you where you are now, but that would be an enormous deception with vast repercussions.

You have to make a decision and it is going to be difficult whatever you choose.

It might be best to start from a clean slate but whatever you choose will have a knock on effect.

In the ideal world you would wind the clock back to the point before you both took a break.

But as life moves forward that could become difficult.

So think very deeply about what you want to do.

And ask yourself if you are prepared to bring a life into this world.

Seek free counselling from the doctors surgery so that you can understand what it is you want to do.

Remember that the reconcilliation may or may not work out.

Similarly there is no guarantee that a pregnancy will go full term.

But there is a chance that it would.

Just as there is a chance that your boyfriend would move forward with you , although it is unlikely.

You need to understand what you feel about your circumstances.

And figure it out.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2018):

tisha-1 you are right . I dont intend on lying to him by the saying the baby is his . I see most thought that was what i was saying but im not. I end it with him or tell him what happened. Id never lie to the child growing up either.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (29 May 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntThe biological father needs to contribute financially - go through the legal channels to get that. Don't let him slide on it because it will harm your child when they're older.

As for your ex, just be honest. Maybe don't mention it unless it becomes relevant (like "why?", "because I'm pregnant with someone else's child"), but don't deliberately avoid or lie about it.

Things always have a way of coming out, so don't complicate things with lies, especially when you're about to become a mother and need to be a good role model.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (29 May 2018):

Tisha-1 agony auntI don’t think the OP was suggesting that she lie to pass off the baby, she knows that’s wrong.

Her question is whether she should tell him she’s pregnant with another man’s child or just end the attempt at reconciliation without telling him about her pregnancy.

OP, I don’t think you have anything to lose by telling the truth.

I do think you are doing the child a disservice by not ensuring that the father contribute his share financially. He may be able to ignore his parenting responsibility but he cannot ignore his fiscal duties to the children he brings into the world.

Hold him accountable, be honest and upright and do what is best for the child.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2018):

Take a chance and tell the truth. If he takes you back regardless of the pregnancy; then you know how committed and in-love with you he is.

If you lie and try to deceive him; he could find-out some other way, and demand a paternity test someday. What if the one-night stand decides to double-back; and claim his paternal-rights? Sometimes people have an unpredictable change of heart. The child may have features not even remotely similar to your boyfriend; and he might become curious. If someone would notice, it would be his mother!

Don't ever lie and deceive to keep somebody. They almost always find-out the truth, eventually.

Being truthful about it shouldn't even be the question. What you plan to do about the pregnancy is the question at this point?

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (28 May 2018):

mystiquek agony auntOP don't lie. You know its not the right thing to do. I totally get that you feel alone and are afraid but considering lying about something so monumental is just wrong. Yes, you do need to "grow up" as you put it and take responsibility. That means owning up for your mistakes and doing your best to make things the best that you can. Lies always have a way of coming out and this isn't the kind of lie that you can keep a secret forever. Think about trying to hide will feel guilty, and always somewhere in the back of your mind be worried that somehow someday your boyfriend will find out! Tell him now. Its up to him after that how thing play out between the two of you. Hopefully he will understand. If he walks away, be it. I wish you all the best, I know its not an easy situation that you are in but don't make matter worse by lying.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (28 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntI'm sorry sweetheart, but if you reach out writing to "social media" you aren't always going to hear what you want to hear.

This is the harsh reality of life and you should be "open" to "constructive criticism".

You have fallen pregnant, via a one night stand and even though this guy states he's not interested, he should be, because he didn't exactly practice safe sex either and he is the Father to your unborn child.

Also, you are in your 30's and i'm "assuming", the Father of your unborn child is in his 30's or older too, so this means, you should both be "mature" enough to be able to handle this together, like two grown adults (EVEN if he chooses to not be with you).

You may have to try talking to him one more time and see what he has to say the second time around.

If he's still disinterested, then you'll have to let it be and if he ever wishes to be a part of your life or his child's life, then he'll make an effort.

You should NOT lie to your bf regarding this baby.

The fact that you've written in to DC implies that you know "lying is wrong" otherwise you wouldn't be asking for general advice.

You know what will happen, if you were to carry out this lie?

Your ex bf won't want "anything" to do with you.

To lie about a baby, a human life, is the worst and the lowest thing you can do and you should never use an innocent and unborn life in your game playing.

The seriousness of you lying about your baby, can be compared to something like this hypothetical scenario,

You and your ex bf aren't ex's, but you're together and you are totally in love with him, you trust him with all your heart, but he is going behind your back and sleeping with "other" women. Despite his "secret" he looks you in your eyes daily, professes his love for you, yet you eventually "catch him in the act" or somebody you trust, tells you he is sleeping with another woman and when you confront him, he confesses.

How would this scenario make you feel?

So you can see how "lying" never, ever solves anything.

It's always better to be transparent and honest.

If you tell your ex bf the "truth" and he still decides to remain with you, at least you'll know he's doing it because "he chose to and wants to" and not because "you lied your way into making him stay with you".

There is a "huge" difference in what the outcome will be, based upon whether you "choose" to lie or 'choose" to tell the truth and if you lie, you will live to regret it.

KARMA has a way of catching up on all of us!

Remember, when it comes down to pregnancy, most men, if not all men, "will not respect" a woman who lies to them and tells them that the unborn baby is "theirs" when it's "not".

You need to have a serious think about this.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (28 May 2018):

N91 agony auntAre you for real?

You don’t want any lectures because ‘these things happens’ yet you’re willing to tell a lie of this magnitude? You’d actually tell a man that a child is his when it’s not to keep the peace? That’s mind blowing to me and says a lot about your character.

You weren’t together, therefore what happens in that time is NONE of his business. If you want to get back together then you need to be honest. If he doesn’t want to proceed then so be it. The fact of the matter is you have already BROKEN UP. Therefore there is a fundamental reason showing that you two are NOT COMPATIBLE.

To claim you need to grow up and then a few sentences later ask whether you should lie to your ex and tell him he has a child that has nothing to do with him is insane. If you had anything about you, you would tell the truth. You’re 36-40 years old, this sounds like something an inexperienced 16 year old would be considering.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (28 May 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYour post did make me laugh. Not because of your predicament, because that is no laughing matter but because you think there is even any way you can pass this baby off as your ex's when you are already 4-5 weeks pregnant.

Have you had a word with this baby about when you would like it to be born so that your ex doesn't suspect it is not his? Unless he is totally clueless, he will work out he would have had to be present for its conception, which happened when you were on your break (unless you are going to pretend you got pregnant before the break and the baby is premature - which the hospital/midwife will know is untrue).

And that is not even considering the fact that the biological father knows about this child and the truth could come out very easily (people talk, gossip gets round).

Regardless of whether the biological father is "interested" or not, he will still be obliged to support his child by law. He may well demand DNA proof that the baby is his (in his shoes I would do exactly that) but, if it is his baby, he has a legal (and moral) obligation to support it. Contraception is the responsibility of BOTH parties. Now you both have to deal with the consequences of being totally irresponsible.

You are scared of coping on your own. I get that. However, passing off a baby as someone else's seldom works out well. Inevitably the truth comes out and the child is usually the one who suffers long term. Imagine how your child will feel if the man it considers its daddy suddenly ups and leaves because he finds out he is NOT the daddy.

You can risk it, of course. We can do ANYTHING we want, but there is always a price to pay. You will have to spend years lying and covering up the truth, to your boyfriend AND to your child. Even then, the truth can come out in many other ways. For instance, if the child has a genetic disorder and the hospital does tests on both "parents". Or someone will say something to your boyfriend, plant a seed of doubt in his mind and he will arrange DNA testing himself without you even knowing.

Are you prepared to live your life in fear of being found out? Or would it be better to be honest and tell him you screwed up and are pregnant after meaningless sex with a one night stand? He may accept it, he may not, but at least he will know the truth and it will be his choice.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (28 May 2018):

Is it wrong? Do you honestly need someone else to tell you it is very wrong to lie to someone, including your child, about paternity? Don't be selfish; things happen, that's true, but you now have to deal with those things.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2018):

Tell the truth and then take it from there.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI agree, you tell him the TRUTH.

Not only does HE deserve to know, but so does the CHILD. While the biological father isn't interested (WTF didn't you and he use a condom? You are both OLD enough to know that unprotected sex can lead to pregnancies and STD/STI and with UK having one of the HIGHEST rates of STD/STI's in Europe! you NEED to also get tested and RE-rested in 6 months. AND NOT have unprotected sex with your ex/not ex for the next 6 months until you are CLEARED and HE is cleared too, if HE slept around).

You can not FORCE a man to be a father by lying and deceit, it's NOT what a decent person does!

If you two were on a break, and you had no set rules for what you could do and not do - then he CAN NOT complain. BUT you should give him the RIGHT to choose if he still wants to be with you and support you and this child.

And you REALLY should go after the bio dad for child support when the baby is born. If he didn't want to father a child he should have worn a condom.

Don't be irresponsible. A new little LIFE depends on you doing the right thing!

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (28 May 2018):

Anonymous 123 agony auntPlease tell him the truth so you can live in peace knowing that you did the right thing. You can't keep up a lie like this forever. What will you do when the baby looks nothing like him? When there's a medical emergency and then things stumble out?

Tell him whatever happened. If he still wants to be with you and raise the baby then great. If not, it's your call how you want to do it. But don't keep him in the dark about this

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A male reader, TylerSage United States +, writes (28 May 2018):

TylerSage agony auntYou're literally asking us if you should lie in a huge and potentially catastrophic way to avoid the TRUTH from crushing your ex? What exactly do you think the end result will be after the next 18 years when he finds out? Provided you even tell him then of course.

This seems more like a means to protect yourself from being rejected by your ex. Meaning your reasoning is based off selfishness. It's not about the ex, it's not about the child it's about YOU and YOUR needs and YOUR fears and YOUR doubts and YOUR future. You've completely ignored the fact that other people are involved in this issue.

As @CodeWarrior mentioned, if you're honorable then you would tell the truth and face the consequences that came with your actions like a grown woman. The very same way you can say "These things happen..." you can be just as cool with fessing up to where you screwed up.

Just know if you do lie, the problem won't go away, you'll just end up having to face it another time.

All the best.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada +, writes (28 May 2018):

Ciar agony auntTell him now. You didn't cheat and for all you know he could have knocked up someone else during your break.

Imagine years from now your child needs a blood transfusion or he decides to trace his child's roots with a DNA want him to find out then??

Save yourself the worry and him the anguish and get it out of the way now.

And NO apologies. No gushing and pleading. This alters your life whether he's in it or not. He gets to walk away. You don't so jusy be matter of fact about it. Besides you don't need to reinforce any notions that you're the bad guy. You're not an innocent bystander, but you didn't do this all by yourself. Men who rely on a woman to protect their reproductive choices don't get to cry fowl when pregnancy is the result. We all know how babies are made.

And for the record, these things do not just 'happen'. They are the result of what we do.

Next time, be clear about the terms.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2018):

If I read your post correctly, then you're acknowledging that it's wrong to lie about your child's paternity and you're asking whether you should tell your "ex" that you're pregnant by another man. If that's the case, then I'd advise that you tell him so he can make an informed decision.

Regardless whether the sperm donor is "not interested" he has a legal obligation to financially support his spawn, and that's something you are morally obligated as a mother to pursue once paternity is legally established. Child support is just that, child support (not baby mama support), and should you choose to attempt to support the kid on your own then you are denying him/her what is rightfully his/hers.

Not a lecture but an observation: You don't say how long you and bf were together or provide a timeline between when you "took a break" and ended up having sex with a random stranger, but it boggles my mind how many DC posters "take a break" from long-term relationships and fall into bed with somebody else within a few days.

I respectfully suggest that if you were serious about bf then you would have used your time apart to seriously consider what you wanted from that relationship and not just blithely assume he was seeing someone else and have revenge sex as retaliation.

The most important reality to consider that an innocent child is being born into less-than-optimal circumstances, and given that you are responsible for that you need to start mitigating the damage and start making plans based on what is in the child's long-term best interests.

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