New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244959 questions, 1084287 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

If your partner watches porn is it natural to get turned off and start looking elsewhere?

Tagged as: Pornography, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 February 2012) 45 Answers - (Newest, 21 March 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My partner watches porn and masturbates.

I have found that this has turned me off of him both sexually and emotionally.

My question is this:

If it is just natural for men to look at other women and have urges towards them, is it just as natural that a spouse would be turned off by this and start to look elsewhere? I mean is this a basic/ biological/ evolutionary whatever response?

Thanks.

View related questions: porn

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, Candycane1234 United Kingdom +, writes (21 March 2012):

Candycane1234 agony auntYes it is natural. I was turned off when i found out. I always liked the idea of being the only one. I thought i was until i found out, thought he was different told me he didnt have any but he did. They make you feel special but you find out :(

<-- Rate this answer

A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012):

"My question is this:

If it is just natural for men to look at other women and have urges towards them, is it just as natural that a spouse would be turned off by this and start to look elsewhere. I mean is this a basic/ biological/ evolutionary whatever response?"

I'm not sure I understand the question. When you say "is it just as natural . . . is this a basic/ biological/ evolutionary whatever response?" do you mean compared to an unatural non-basic/non-biological/non-evolutionary non-whatever response? I'm not really sure what an unatural non-basic/non-biological/non-evolutionary response would be?

If you are asking is this the result of biology or environment, it could be a combination of biology and environment. Some genes only express themselves under certain conditions. Human behavior is very complex, and I doubt this reaction is completely "biological" or completely due to to environment.

If you are really asking "Am I justified in feeling this way?", that's a different question. If that is what you're asking, I would "what difference does it make if you're justified or not?"

If you're really asking "Am I weird for feeling this way?" I'd ask what difference would it would make?

In terms of what actions are available to you (regardless of the biological or philosophical aspects of this), it boils down to these:

1) Stay with him as-is, do nothing, and continue to be unhappy.

2) Try to change him.

3) Try to change yourself.

4) Get out of the relationship.

These are not all mutually exclusive, of course, but it seems to me you need to think about what you are and are not willing to do.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, HappyPlace United Kingdom +, writes (16 March 2012):

HappyPlace agony auntI'm still with you OP. The age issue was not brought up by you in the first place and that red herring was thrown in by someone else. Do not feel bullied by these aunts/uncles with differing opinions. I think you know your own mind so glean what you can from these responses. I'm like you in that it did turn me off my partner - maybe is was psychological (it's early and I don't know if this is spelt right, lol). You'll find that if he gives it up, your intimacy will return and you will want your partner. But, he needs to give up the porn. If he doesn't, please find yourself another partner x

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (14 March 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntBecause at 26-29 you ARE young. The fact that you take it as an insult just proves my point sadly.

Just like we think we are mature at 16, and then at 18 and then at 21... etc.

I DID NOT become a grown up till I was 35..... even though i was married (and divorced) with TWO CHILDREN. I worked full time I ran (and owned my third) home and raised my kids... and yet it was not till 35 that I truly realized what it meant to be a grown up (the defining event was the death of my mother in case you are wondering)....

I remember thinking how grown up I was for so many years... now today I turn 52 and I would KILL to be a young vibrant 30 all over again... but I want the knowledge the last 22 years have afforded me.

It was not meant to be an insult...and I will gladly apologize to you if you took it that way.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (14 March 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntOP: "26-29" is "young". IF you hope to cloud the issue by bringing up age, you're wasting your time. ALL the replies stand....

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I don't appreciate being called a 'young' OP. Why any mention of age in the first place?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (14 March 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntThe OP said: “I think you do have a problem with it old gel, otherwise you wouldn't be getting on at me now would you!”

OP if this attack mode is how you deal with your partner that could be a big part of your problem with him….. Cerberus and all of us have spent time trying to help you after all that’s why we are here…

So you retort to calling names and trying to insult me by calling me “old gel” which I assume is meant to be “old girl” What do you call him when he upsets you by pushing your buttons?

Are you in therapy to work through your anger and frustration and feelings of insecurity?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 March 2012):

Honeypie agony auntWhy be with a man if you feel like he doesn't respect you? All I'm saying is you DON'T have to stay with him. You have choices.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012):

Fine, your reaction to reasoned debate says everything about your personality. Good luck OP you'll need it, the world has a nice habit of making life very difficult for those who think everything should work the way they think it should without compromise.

"I can't be bothered to read all of that. If he can do it so can I is all I'm saying."

Can't be bothered to read this either? Good, have fun trying your idiotic little game, see who comes out worse after you realize he doesn't care about this as much as you do. Haha. Have fun OP and good luck finding a guy who doesn't watch porn, even those of us that say we don't normally do or have watched it. :P

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (14 March 2012):

CindyCares agony aunt No. The response to how we consider the exercise and display of sexuality is totally learned and cultural, not natural.

Many women hate porn ( in fact , they hate their men watching porn ) because they feel in competition with the porn stars, a competition that, on a visual and technical level, they feel they are bound to lose , or because of many other social ,cultural, historical issues. But, there are also many women who are indifferent to porn use by their partners, or accepting, or mildly amused, or even excited and titillated.

There is such a variety of responses that being turned off by a porn watching man , albeit perfectly legitimate, can't be a biological imperative. It's totally an individual, mental, psychological construct.

As for, then, passing from being turned off by the guy to cuckhold him, how that can be a biological imperative ?

A pact of monogamy is a social , cultural , rational construct. If you don't want to honour it, you can change guy.

I am mightily turned off by ,say, men who chew with their mouth open. That's a good reason for asking them to stop, - or for leaving them if they won't,- but surely not to cuckhold them while you still are officially in a relationship.

This thread was extra long, I skimmed through it so I might have missed something, in which case I apologize, but it sounds to me that, more than being turned off by

his use of porn, you are turned off by his lack of care, attention and enthusiasm toward you, and it's not exactly the same thing.

It seems that you are sexually frustrated, because he turns you down, and you attribute this to an excessive use of porn, which is not necessarily the case. I mean, he could go blind ( God forbid ) and still not want to make love to you.

Sex is always a metaphore for something else... sex is a language , and when there is no response , often the wires got crossed somewhere out of the bedroom. How's the relationship in general ?

Do you communicate, do you trust each other, can you talk openly, would you be still in love, and viceversa, without the porn issue ?...

If you could magically make porn disappear from the world,

do you think your relationship would be going strong , and there would be a lot of passion between you, or...?

I say this not because I am particularly pro-porn ( I am not ,in fact ,and I realize how it can make trouble for many couples ) but because from the posts here I often see how porn is a red herring that covers up other problems and dynamics, so I wonder if this was the case with you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Happy Place, thank you for getting where I'm coming from!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Won't be reading anymore. Bored now.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I can't be bothered to read all of that. If he can do it so can I is all I'm saying.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012):

Haha nice try OP and anonymous reader. Fix your problems by becoming the problem, that makes sense.

If this is what you're going to do then all your bullshit complaining means nothing, so what if he watches porn? You obviously have no problem with it when it comes to you watching it so you're just a hypocrite. As for watching porn with big dicks, we guys don't give a crap about girls watching porn, it doesn't hurt us because believe it or not we don't feel threatened by fantasy, my girlfriend watches porn and fantasizes about other men and that's her right, who am I to deny her pleasure?

So go ahead because all it will do is make you sexually frustrated (seeing as you yourself stated you're libido is climbing and instead of getting that fulfilled you'll masturbate, haha good luck!), it will also make every argument you've said against porn moot and irrelevant, and very few guys are stupid enough to think that our dicks aren't enough for a girl who is already our girlfriend, why would she be with a guy whose penis wasn't enough for her or left her sexually unsatisfied? Especially when most women can't climax through penetration alone no matter what the size of the penis.

You see OP there are plenty of guys who worry about the size of their penis, if your guy was one of them you'd already know by now and if he is one of them you've no doubt already told him his penis is fine and the first thing petty women always try to turn to as revenge is attack our penis size, we know this and it doesn't hurt us.

OP you and female anon just sound like petty and bitter little girls. A guy doesn't live his life the way you want him to so you throw your toys out of the pram and become a petulant princess. Well go ahead OP, see how that works out, see how lovely and easy life is when you become an embittered, controlling manipulator.

See how trying to play us guys at our game will work for you. You see there is one major flaw in your logic and the very thing you don't seem to get. The main issue here is that he doesn't care about/likes porn and using it and you say you don't. What in the world makes you think he'll be anything other than happy that you've decided to start enjoying it too? Hahaha. Flawless reasoning OP, flawless. That's like hating your boyfriend watching soccer so much that you decide to start watching it too and support a different team. If anything introducing more soccer into his life will make him even happier, he'd be able to laugh at all the times you complained about watching soccer and how much of a hypocrite you've become and he'd also feel perfectly fine watching soccer any time he wants guilt free because you do too.

Keep us updated OP, I'm enjoying this one.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, HappyPlace United Kingdom +, writes (14 March 2012):

HappyPlace agony auntI took the last comment the OP made to be "tongue in cheek", a role reversal if you like. Like the men who watch porn, the likelihood that they will select a fat ugly bird to watch is probably highly unlikely, unless that floats their boat. I understand fully what you mean OP, perhaps call it a play on words. As for penis size, it is important to me and I've always said so. I wouldn't want anyone "hung like a donkey" but it has to be a reasonable length and girth. I've been with someone many years ago who had the tiniest penis ever and it's really NOT good, sorry guys if this offends!

I would also be very offended if I offered it on a plate to my guy and he turned it down, yet had no problem with searching out his next porn fix. At the end of the day, we all have very differing opinions and views, based on our upbringing and environment. I remember a while back the subject of spitting on genitals came up. There was an American girl who thought this was OK, whereas I am from the UK and spitting is utterley abhorrent to me. So you see, there will always be two sides to every coin. I don't like porn, never will and I do not wish to date anyone who thinks it is OK.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I think you do have a problem with it old gel, otherwise you wouldn't be getting on at me now would you!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (14 March 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntWell, I don’t agree with JustHelpinAgain or the OP’s last post.

To JHA: I don’t mind my man using porn and I wish we had sex more often than we do. I go after him and he turns me down and yet he still uses porn. I don’t’ get sex when I want it but then I’m 52 to his 38 so it’s understandable that a younger fella can’t keep up with me….

And to you dear young OP…. FWIW, I don’t like hard bodies and SIZE does matter I don’t want a large partner. I have had men that were small in stature but overly large in genitalia and it HURTS. BIGGER IS NOT BETTER and it’s women like you who give men who are of average size a complex that they are NOT good enough. I’m sorry I prefer a man just slightly below average to be honest….

As for no less than three times a week while the partner is unaware… how about daily and I let my partner know about it…. Maybe the problem is that there’s NO COMMUNICATION going on in your home????

As for “I can’t help but look at every other bloke and none of it will be my fault”…. The mindset you espouse is that looking is wrong. LOOKING is just fine. Staring, commenting, ruminating, obsessing those are all wrong. It’s NORMAL even in a healthy happy relationship to notice other pretty things…

Perhaps the problem you have is that you think that looking is cheating…. Or that It’s morally wrong to think other people are attractive when you are already partnered? Maybe changing this mindset will help you cope better.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

In reply to the last answer, in a way I suppose you have a point. Inevitably as I reach my mid 30's my sex drive will go up (as it is beginning to already) whilst his will go down and the roles will be reversed. It will be me downstairs spread eagled on the sofa, flicking the bean to sexy men with perfect bodies, and huge dicks, cos let's be honest ladies, we say size doesn't matter but we all know the bigger the better! No less than three times a week whilst the other half is upstairs in bed unawares. And when my eye starts to wander and I can't help but look at every other bloke none of it will be my fault. And believe me I'll be doing all of it, I've already started with the other men in my dreams. I guess it's my turn now!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, JustHelpinAgain Canada +, writes (14 March 2012):

I just don't get this never ending debate on porn. If women don't want their men using it there is a very slmple solution, more sex please!

Most women get sex when they want it, most men don't. If a woman is offended by porn then her man should respect her feelings and ensure his activities are kept private and do not interfer with the couples sex life (and if this is the case there is a bigger problem somewhere).

I do wonder if this is an issue for all age groups or just those of us old enough to remember when a page 3 girl was as good as it gets!! There is so much porn everywhere that I wonder if young people get turned on at all by it?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012):

Since I found my boyfriend had been using porn I have trouble accepting his compliments and getting close to him.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012):

If you are not ready to dump this guy, then try getting even. Why not look at Big Dicks.com? Why not stock up on Playgirl and when you know he's watching porn, make sure you leave a few details lying around so he knows you're entertaining yourself as well. Then when you get off work the next night, meet up with a couple of girlfriends and go out for a drink. Don't bother to tell him where you're at. Just leave him guessing. And be sure you wear a short skirt and some sexy heels. When you do finally roll into the house later that night and he freaks out because you've been gone for hours without tellng him where you've been, just shrug and say "I didn't think you'd pull your head out of your porn sites long enough to notice I was not here....." It'll be alot of drama. It may not cure the problem. It will probably lead to the ultimate demise of your relationship but maybe you don't have that much to lose in the first place. Loving relationships are built on trust. He has violated yours. What's next? Strip clubs? Massage parlors? Where do you draw the line if society (and a few posters) maintain how "normal" it is for men in committed relationships to "indulge" in this kind of behavior? Men who are in loving, satisfying relationships do not need porn. HE either has an addiction or he's not as happy with you as you think he is. If that's the case this relationship is probably doomed to failure. So you have two choices. 1) Give him a second chance, since he has said that he would stop. (Will he really? Or just get better at hiding it from you?) 2) Beat him at his own game and then when the relationship completely unravels, at least you'll feel like it was on your terms and he got a taste of his own medicine. Funny how trust tastes bitter to someone else. Good luck. And don't be discouraged by a few male posters who want to cling to their biological "right" to watch porn. Sorry, they get no points in my book.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012):

I would be turned off immensely as well. I doubt I'd have any sexual interest left if I was in your situation. Not sure I would cheat, but I would probably end the relationship!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (29 February 2012):

person12345 agony auntCerberus I said it's NOT a biological or evolutionary trait just the same as I don't buy the biological argument for viewing porn. Nothing in my last response was about what you'd said on this thread. I don't think she should dump him and certainly shouldn't cheat on him. I was saying the way she is feeling is normal (not sure how feeling hurt by porn has anything to do with sexual assault), that she should stick with her partner and not leave him or cheat on him.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (29 February 2012):

Miamine agony aunt"I'm not going to be able to get over this betrayal. What do you think I should do?"

If you don't feel you can every forget/forgive this betrayal, then the only thing you can do is leave him.

It's not possible for you to continue this relationship because of what you've told us. As I said, you don't fancy him, so sex is out, you don't want to be his friend because your emotions have changed.... I don't suggest you stay there and keep your bedroom door locked. He might have a right then to leave you, or even have an affair, because he's not cheating if the woman says she can't have sex with him. I also don't suggest you cheat, because people who do that are immoral and often find they have new partners who look down on cheating people. Also if you cheat and your guy finds out, he'll kick you out anyway, but this time he will tell people what you done and you'll be the one who people are disgusted with.

If your feelings weren't so strong, you could try to work this out by talking, maybe couple counselling, and since he's giving up porn, maybe try some understanding and forgiveness... But you didn't leave any room for that, you just said you would never forgive, so I suggest you make plans to leave.

And be very careful in your next relationship, because a lot of men like porn, and unlike your guy they won't give up no matter how much you dislike it. I'm very sorry, you feel betrayed, make sure you get a firm promise with your next guy that they won't look at porn, and if you find out later that they do, then walk away and find somebody new.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

"Thank you but I've done plenty of research on the subject. Perhaps you could take a course in psychology and try and work out why I have upset you?"

You haven't in the slightest. Look at my answers to other peoples questions and you'll see it's just my writing style, harsh, cold, cynical and unforgiving. Sometimes people respond to it other times people get offended. I wouldn't have answered your question if I wasn't trying to help. Believe it or not offending people is not my goal and I am not perfect so I can be wrong. But will give my opinion nonetheless. If you feel I have nothing of worth to say to you please feel free to ignore my posts. I am just a random stranger on the internet. I don't exist to you if you don't like how I approach things.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

"How do you suppose he'd feel if I went on bigdicks.com every other night till 1 in the morning and when I went up and he wanted a cuddle I turned my back on him cos I was 'all spent'. He didn't even like me looking at a Playgirl mag ffs. Seems it's one rule for men and another for us women."

Then he's just being a dick OP. You can't have a standard for your partner that you won't follow yourself. Saying your partner isn't allowed do something and then doing it yourself is not fair in the slightest. That's like saying I don't want you to talk to other men and then I go out flirting with other women, not right. If it's that one sided then I don't know why you would stay with a guy like that. I certainly wouldn't hang around unless my partner agreed to how wrong they and stopped.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you but I've done plenty of research on the subject. Perhaps you could take a course in psychology and try and work out why I have upset you?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (29 February 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntAh well your update is more telling… so he comes to bed after whacking off alone downstairs and doesn’t want to touch you at all… yep that’s a problem AND there’s a double standard where you are not allowed to look at porn but he is? THAT is WRONG… what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

IF he won’t give it up, and you are that unhappy, then you need to leave the relationship. Focus on yourself and your child. Get a new life, and THEN find a man who believes along the lines of what you believe.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

"My question doesn't reek of anything. Other than what I asked. It was simply a scientific question if you read it again. A question of cause and effect."

Oh well if it's a simple scientific question I recommend you research the theories and concepts of the experts in this field. If I assumed wrong then I apologise. Here to get you started, you'll find some fascinating reading here, I would try and find alternating theories, get both sides of the story and see if you can make a more complete picture for yourself:

http://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/eli-finkel/documents/Finkeletal_2002_001.pdf

http://dynamic.uoregon.edu/~jjf/defineBT.html

http://spr.sagepub.com/content/23/1/101.abstract

http://www1.psych.purdue.edu/~willia55/392F-'06/FitnessBetrayal.pdf

http://www.stanford.edu/~ssf/Betrayal/bet3.html

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

My question doesn't reek of anything. Other than what I asked. It was simply a scientific question if you read it again. A question of cause and effect.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

"Well more than half of women don't like it, so it is normal."

Yeah well 1/4 of women will be sexually abused or assaulted in their lifetime so I guess if we're considering statistics to be the best gauge of normalcy then that kind of thing is normal too. Except I would never consider something normal just because lots of people do it. Circumcision is apparently normal too but not to me. My point is normal is personal construct. I don't think her reaction is normal anymore than I find it abnormal.

"I'm a little confused by the response that trying to claim it's a biological response is trying to get justification for a feeling when men claim porn is natural/biological/an evolutionary trait all the time simply because they like it."

You read what I said wrong. Again my point is, if under half of all women (by your figures) don't have this response then how is it a biological or evolutionary response to look at other men because her partner has watched porn? Are the 1.5 billion women in your statistics unevolved or somehow biologically flawed? No, the fact that just under half of the women of the world either don't care or don't like it proves this is not evolutionary, it's not biological and it's only normal if you it to be.

I stick by my original point. Her question reeks of seeking justification to play away and find another guy while staying with this guy because they're financially tied, with a house and a kid and is looking for reassurance from people that it's okay for her to do that because he "betrayed her" All I'm trying to say is her feelings are justified according to her own moral code but they don't give her a free reign to go and cheat on him, or search for another guy while still with him. I think she should leave him before she finds someone else. Give herself time to heal from this and find a guy who has the moral code when it comes to porn as she does.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 February 2012):

Honeypie agony auntFor you him looking at porn is an act of betrayal? (just trying to clarify)

I don't think it's uncommon that women dislike porn as much as many men like porn. I don't give a flying spatula that "men are visual creatures blah blah blah) because porn is often VERY detrimental to a healthy relationship.

I also don't think it is uncoomon for women to get turned totally off their partners if porn takes over. And I don't think men understand the effect porn has on many women. Does it mean that it is OK to be turned on by other men? Well, I don't think that is something that can be helped. However, WHAT you DO with those feeling matters.

If you stop being attracted to your partner and DON'T address the issue, it will not be fixed. He may watch more and more porn because he thinks you have no libido. Where the truth is, the more porn HE watches the less YOU want to be with him in a sexual manner. It needs to be explained to some men. Also, there can be so many other reasons why you start to be turned of your partner, not just the porn. Usually general issues in a relationship spills over into the sex (or rather the lack of it).

Talk to him first. See what he thinks/says.

Don't start something new (with another man) til you have resolved and ended the relationship you are in.

Grass is not always greener.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Calling me conceited and petty was the insult. I don't know why you're going off on one about me cheating on him. How do you suppose he'd feel if I went on bigdicks.com every other night till 1 in the morning and when I went up and he wanted a cuddle I turned my back on him cos I was 'all spent'. He didn't even like me looking at a Playgirl mag ffs. Seems it's one rule for men and another for us women.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (29 February 2012):

person12345 agony auntWell more than half of women don't like it, so it is normal. I'm a little confused by the response that trying to claim it's a biological response is trying to get justification for a feeling when men claim porn is natural/biological/an evolutionary trait all the time simply because they like it.

If he's given up porn though OP, you should try to stick it out and work through the betrayal, go to couples counseling. Not many guys would give it up, so I'd recommend if you've found someone you're compatibile with who has given it up, you should hold onto him. Because chances are you'll encounter porn and lies in most of your relationships. If you've found a man who is willing to give it up and stop lying, then you should try to work it out.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (29 February 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntIf you'd like to get validation for deciding to dump your porn-watching partner - who ignores you, evidently, because of that - I'll be happy to offer that validation.

Dump him and get on with your life....

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (29 February 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony aunt Unlike most of the women on this site, I don’t think your response is normal or natural.

I am a 52 year old woman and I think that porn is perfectly fine. I have no problem with my partner looking at porn, I have no problem with my partner looking at other women and finding them attractive. I mean he doesn’t eat steak every night even if it’s his favorite. Just like he doesn’t always look just at me even though I’m his favorite.

I am not turned off to him sexually or emotionally at all. I think it’s natural for PEOPLE to look. I think that what they do with the URGES is what matters. He looks. He gets horny.. he comes and loves on ME…

You ask if it’s normal for a turned off spouse to look elsewhere… and on this I disagree with you… If you are turned off by him and the relationship you should be looking inward and figuring out how to get out of the relationship and heal yourself by being alone first then finding a new partner.

Being in a relationship and seeking out the company of others in the physical arena is a worse betrayal to me than looking at porn.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

"I'm not going to be able to get over this betrayal. What do you think I should do?"

Either stay with a guy who betrayed you or leave him. It seems to me you have no other option than to leave him if you're never going to get over him. So just do that. Or you can continue down the road you're going down and cheat on him, get your own back and once you've found another guy, then leave him.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

Oh I see, I don't tell you what you want to hear you therefore it's an insult? Fair enough then OP, ignore my advice, take offence all you like and justify your behaviour any way you want to. But I won't for one second tell you that it's okay to start looking for another boyfriend while you're in a relationship.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, HappyPlace United Kingdom +, writes (29 February 2012):

HappyPlace agony auntI think it is a normal and natural response because it happened to me. Sweet-thing and Person12345 are right. Porn does have a way of making a woman feel replaced. When my partner did it, I didn't want him to come near me. Our sex life suffered. The intimacy had disappeared and despite my fancying the pants off him, I didn't want him sexually. He's given it up now and our relationship just goes from strength to strength. It's a foolish man who doesn't understand this concept and lets his relationship suffer!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

The insult took a while but you managed to get there in the end.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

"If it is just natural for men to look at other women and have urges towards them, is it just as natural that a spouse would be turned off by this and start to look elsewhere?"

It is natural to be turned off by things that you don't like whether that's porn or other such thing. Lots of things are deal-breakers and we all have different conditions in that regard.

It is natural for both men and women to look at others OP. We're only human and any woman who has said that she has never in her life checked out another guy while she was in a relationship is full of shit. As far as urges towards others the same applies to both men and women, statistically women cheat more than men OP. Some people have urges towards others but a lot don't. I have no problem looking at other women because I don't want any of them and have no problem with my girlfriend looking at other men because she only wants me. We have no urges towards anyone else nor do we want anyone else and as far as porn goes we both use it and enjoy it. For us that's normal and therefore it's natural to us but that's not to say it has to be for you, you must decide yourself what's appropriate and right in your circumstance.

I will say though OP, is it normal for you to look elsewhere? I don't think it is, because if it was normal then you wouldn't really need to ask. You see actively looking elsewhere while in a relationship is something I would consider wrong and it sounds like you're trying to justify that and perhaps see if it's okay to cheat or to stoop to what you think is his level. You don't like that he watches porn and masturbates, then leave him, but is looking elsewhere for someone else while you're in a relationship natural to you? Does it sit well with you, are you okay with that? Because if you don't like feeling that way then no, for you it's not natural. But I now plenty of others who have no problem cheating on their partners and never have relationships where they are not always looking for an "upgrade" to them that's natural. If you don't want to be with someone then leave them. Don't keep them hanging around while you go off and find someone you like better. If you don't like the idea of him masturbating to other woman then leave him and find someone else.

"I mean is this a basic/ biological/ evolutionary whatever response?"

I think that's irrelevant because honestly I think you're seeking some kind of justification for feeling a way you don't like feeling. Maybe if we tell you it's normal/natural then you can feel good about feeling this way but I don't think you should.

The real question is, is him watching porn justify in your mind what you're doing now? Is it okay for you look elsewhere while you're with him just because he watches porn? That's something only you can answer but personally I wouldn't go near a girl that conceited and petty. Who knows what other things about me she may decide she may not like and then use as justification to cheat on me or "look elsewhere."

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I don't know what to do about this though. I have a baby and a house with this man and although he has given up the porn I can't help the way I feel. I'm not going to be able to get over this betrayal. What do you think I should do?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (29 February 2012):

Miamine agony auntAbsolutely natural. It's very common for men to look at porn, and it's very common for women to become disgusted with them and find themselves falling out of love.

As one woman said, "the thought of him looking another girls vagina with his dick in his hand, makes me think less of him".

Don't know if it's a basic evolutionary/biological response though. Because many women have no problem with porn and many women would watch it with him or watch porn themselves. But when we choose partners, we have a certain picture of them, when they do things that disgust us they become like strangers or turn into people we hate. Best not to cheat though, a guy looking at video's isn't quite the same thing as a woman lying down in another man's bed. Just leave him if your unhappy.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (29 February 2012):

person12345 agony auntYes, very normal response. I wouldn't go so far as to say it has any biological basis, but yes it's a normal feeling. The majority of women do not want porn in their relationships.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Sweet-thing United Kingdom +, writes (29 February 2012):

Sweet-thing agony auntPorn has a way of making a woman feel replaced. Especially if all his sauce is being spilled onto the bathroom floor when a perfectly good woman lays waiting in the other room but gets nothing. If this sounds familiar, then yes it could make a woman withdraw and lose interest. Afterall, what's in it for you? He appears not to need you at all. What you decide to do with all your free time is up to you. But I know what I'd be doing the next time a hot guy made me feel beautiful.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "If your partner watches porn is it natural to get turned off and start looking elsewhere?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0468925000022864!