New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244985 questions, 1084409 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

After our good living together trial period, everything has gone downhill!

Tagged as: Faded love, Gay relationships, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 February 2012) 3 Answers - (Newest, 1 March 2012)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Ok so im having a big issue here and im looking for advice or peoples opinion on what they think. So, one day after being tired of being alone, and also needing a place to stay, i decided to look online to try and find a compatible match for my situation. This was pretty much a year ago from now. So i started chatting with people and wound up talking to this guy that lived in arkansas. I lived in california. He seemed like he was a nice guy and we chatted on the phone a lot and promised me he could take care of me which was sort of what i was looking for because i had just got laid off from my job. So he offered to fly me out to where he lived to see him and see what it would be like to live there. I stayed for a few weeks at first and it seemed okay, not great, so i sort of jumped on it (he also was pressuring me to move as soon as possible). But for the most part during the test/trial everything seemed fine. But after i moved there things just started to go downhill from there. At first i didnt care much about his flaws but as time pressed on they just got so much more annoying day after day. He is a heavy alcoholic drinking a bottle of hard liquor every single day and every now and again he gets so wasted that he just falls over and cant get up. I am small in stature and he is big so theres nothing i can do but just let him lay there. He also smokes which really bothers me, i stopped going places with him because of it. He is also big on fighting, and especially when he is drunk loves to provoke me and yell and complain about every little thing and blow it out of proportion. We also never have sex, which to be honest doesnt matter a whole lot to me but just adds to the frustration. But my biggest complaint about coming here is that i just cannot stand living here. We live practically in the forest, and there is absolutely nothing to do!! I have absolutely 0 friends, and since i dont have a job, all i ever do all day is just lay around and watch t.v. (although i try to work out regularly). I have major home sickness and i am really considering moving back home, in a way i have already pledged to myself that i cant continue living like this, just living to die. But i really care about him and he cares about me so that really makes me hesitant on what to do. His father is dying and his best friend is moving out of the neighborhood so it sort of makes me feel sad. He said that if i leave he will find someone else and that he doesnt do long distance relationships, and has also said if i leave he would die of a broken heart, and i feel like i would have this cloud of guilt hanging over my head for the rest of my life. My question is a little complicated, but ultimately i guess it is: what would you do? any suggestions or insight is greatly appreciated

View related questions: alcoholic, best friend, drunk, long distance, period, smokes

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, Auntie E United States +, writes (1 March 2012):

Auntie E agony auntSweetie I have to ask you this - why are your standards so low? Why do you think so little of yourself to even bother with a drunk? Get out of there now. Go back home. Desperation in no way equals love. Once you are settled back home get some counselling to find out why you make such poor choices. You have no reason to feel guilty. Guilt is an emotion that comes from wrong doing. Trust your gut feelings. LEAVE NOW.

<-- Rate this answer

A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (29 February 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntYes, you submittal and situation IS complicated - as you've said... So my response is necessarily a bit complicated, too. HOWEVER, the conclusions and "solution" are clear. Here it is.....

YOU reacted to your situation - being alone and needing a place to stay - by reaching out electronically to find a "knight in shining armour" to take care of you. You found this guy who was 1/2 a world away who was willing to sweet-talk you in to moving to where he was...

First P.S: For a guy, to find a girl in distress is like unearthing a Mother-lode of s*x*al opportunity....

You moved to where this cad was... and he was nice for the requisite brief time (long enough to avoid your seeing him through clear eyes).....

Second P.S: Every guy knows that you have to be nice to a woman briefly, in order to get her to put out for you.

Following that necessary "honeymoon" period, he reverted to his REAL self. You've seen that, and find that he's not "all that, plus a bag of potato chips," after all. So;

YOU have not got a fix on the "real" world around your situation... and you see that your future prospects are pretty dim....

HOWEVER, in effort to avoid admitting just how dim things are, you are putting up the predictable "argument" and justification for what you did... i.e: "..But i really care about him and he cares about me .." and reinforced that with: "...His father is dying and his best friend is moving out of the neighborhood so it sort of makes me feel sad. He said that if i leave he will find someone else and that he doesnt do long distance relationships, and has also said if i leave he would die of a broken heart, and i feel like i would have this cloud of guilt hanging over my head for the rest of my life."

Third and final P.S: Guys will say ANYTHING to keep a girl interested (and, entrapped) when it's become clear that she has gotten a grasp of things, come to her senses, and is about to walk....

Conclusion and solution: Do whatever it takes to get away from this man... and back to where you started in the first place... and don't react quite so radically to "...being alone and needing a place to stay..." in the future...

Good luck....

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Dear Mandy United Kingdom +, writes (29 February 2012):

Dear Mandy agony auntHI

Firstly I wouldn't have moved in with a complete stranger to begin with, Why did you move in before asking about him? weather he smoked. or drank, and anything else that you wouldn't like? He is using emotional blackmail to keep you there for starters, and that I would NOT put up with, his a grown man and quite capable of looking after himself. You have put yourself in a very awkward situation indeed. However its fixable. You may have strong feelings for him but for your own sanity you should start by arranging to move back home. You will have a new lease of life trust me, The feeling of guilt ( which he wants you to have) will fade after a while. And if his the way he is now he is never going to change. Its time to put your life back on track, get a job ANY job, a job is better than no job right? if you have to live with a family memember untill your back on your feet,then so be it. Your too young to throw away your life with a man who clearly has no ambition or enthusiasam to better himself, and this will continue to bring you down. Get motivated, get possitive,, get OUT OF THERE....

Mandy x

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "After our good living together trial period, everything has gone downhill!"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0156042000016896!