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I can't imagine leaving my family to move to be with my boyfriend!

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 February 2012) 5 Answers - (Newest, 29 February 2012)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hey all,

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now, he's a US Marine and is currently stationed in Hawaii and I am in NY. He is done with his contract around the same time I am graduating from college. He has asked me to move to North Dakota with him about half way through next summer so he can start working on oil rigs.

I feel really conflicted because I know I love this guy, we were best friend for years before we started dating and I love the way he treats me. I know I want to end up getting married to him in a few years. The problem is, I'm having a really hard time leaving my family in NY. We're very close and I think it's going to be rough moving so far away from them for such a long period.

I can't tell him I don't want to move with him because a long distance relationship is going to continuing working after a total of 3 years of being apart but my parents don't agree with me moving in with him before we're married. And it's not even that I don't want to move and be with him. It's that I'll only be 21 and I realize for a lot of people that's an acceptable age to be own their own and independent but I'm scared of leaving NY and everything I know and love to move across the country.

If anyone has any thoughts, I'd really appreciate it. I realize it's kind of a long time from now but I can't stop thinking and stressing about it.

View related questions: best friend, long distance, period

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 February 2012):

Honeypie agony auntSome people aren't cut out to be a military spouse. It is not an easy life.

Why not try it out after you graduate? Living together before getting married is NOT a bad idea. You might find you LOVE the place, but not him, or you don't like the place but you love him.

However, if you are serious about this guy you need to crap or get off the pot. (either move in with him or end it). That is my honest opinion.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (29 February 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntAs someone who knows and loves NY if you live anywhere near the city ND will be a huge shock for you.

Will he be living at home in ND or will the oil rigs require him to be onsite and away from home?

Just remember you have to live your life for you not for your parents and at 21 you are grown up enough to make your own decisions...

My parents never wanted me to live with anyone and guess what... after my mother died, my father had to eat crow and tell me he was moving in with his new girlfriend so now he no longer minds that I live with my partner.

My biggest concern for you is that if you live in NYC not somewhere like upstate that ND will seem slow and boring and lonely for you.

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A female reader, Dear Mandy United Kingdom +, writes (29 February 2012):

Dear Mandy agony auntHI

I was so nervous when I left home, I thought I was going to have a breakdown ( and I was 19 lol), But when I moved into my new home it was the BEST thing I ever did. Your BF sounds like he is very much inlove with you, and cares for you, I doubt he would make you feel the strain to much, ( meaning he will make sure you get plenty of contact with your family) it will be like home from home. Taking the first step is always scarey, but you are walking down the right road, with a good man, stop stressing and be happy, excited, and start thinking about colour schemes, and furniture :) aaaahh that fresh new canvass to add your artistic nature to :D, the layout of your beautiful Garden, and what flowers and trees your going to plant so you can both grow old together with. Go for it, love like this dont come often so when it does grab it with both hands, not strangle the hell out of it lol

Mandy x

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A male reader, landomando United States +, writes (29 February 2012):

Awww i started reading this and and thought for a second you were debating moving to Hawaii!!!!!!!!!!! And thought is this a joke lol!! But anyways I think you should move out and try something new. i am in college far away from my home. I wasnt going to go because I was scarred to leave. But my parents kind of forced me too and i am glad they did! New environment, meet new people. you cant stay at home for ever! you have to leave and start your life! and try something new!

The other thing is if your parents are against you leaving I wouldnt go behind there back. Id probably try to work it out with them. But you should go!!!!!!! Dont let your family hold you back from him. They will still be there and its not like there going anywhere.

Good luck! I hope you Go!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012):

I'm guessing that you're planning to get a job after you graduate. What are the job prospects for you in the part of North Dakota where he'll be? Moving across the country and then being forced to sit at home because you're in an area with no jobs in your field is no fun.

Will your boyfriend take the oil rig job before or after you two get married? If after, did he consult with you before accepting it?

If he hasn't listened to your concerns and just expects that you'll follow him around wherever he goes, that's a red flag.

Having said that -- sometimes you just have to take a leap. I got married and moved halfway across the country a year after I graduated from college. We lived a two-day drive from my closest relatives, and a four-day drive from home. (Air fare at the time was expensive enough to be impractical.) Yes, it was scary to pick up and leave family and friends. It was also one of the best experiences of my life.

You don't have to stop being close to your family if you do decide to go. Living far away isn't the same as living around the corner, of course. But as you know, there are lots of ways to communicate -- phone calls, texting, emails, Skype, chat ... And with most cell phone plans now you don't have to worry about long distance charges, so you can talk frequently if you want.

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