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Dating just 3 weeks, I'm discovering more and more things about him that don't match what I'm looking for. Am I right to ask?

Tagged as: Cheating, Family, Health, Online dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 April 2014) 15 Answers - (Newest, 18 May 2014)
A female Australia age 36-40, *unny_111 writes:

I've been dating a guy whomImet online for about 3 weeks now and I'm finding that as we're getting to know each other, I'm discovering more and more things about him that don't match what I'm looking for.

I'm a fairly private, reserved woman and I'm pretty conservative. I believe in good morals and I know what is right and wrong. I'm a non smoker, don't believe in cheating, I'm not into drugs, tattoos. Etc

The guy I'm seeing has tattoos, likes to party and socialise regularly, smokes drugs every couple of weeks and admitted to me tonight that he was in fact married 3 years ago and has 2 kids. I asked him why he didn't write that he has kids on his profile and he said that people "skip over" him if they know he has kids and don't ever get to see the true person he is.

Then he admitted to me he cheated on his wife. When I asked him questions about this, he immediately got offended and told me I was prying into his past history and it's not my concern why he cheated. I will admit, I did ask some questions but I didn't think I was being unreasonable asking for some details about his past.

My question is, am I in the wrong here? After 3 weeks, do I have the right to question him about his past? Am I being rude by asking or is he just being ignorant towards me?

My other question are; We do seem very different, do opposites really attract or are we too opposite?

View related questions: drugs, smokes, tattoo

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (18 May 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntYou have know the guy three weeks, you have no obligation, you owe him nothing and if you think he is not what you want then move on. Your call.

If opposites attract that every attractive, sexy, intelligent, popular woman would be flocking to me ;-)

Seriously Im all for a bit of differences in a partner. Sometimes having a few differing interests or tastes are a good thing. But if your anti smoking, don't like parties, hate tattoos and don't like drugs and this guy turns up smoking a joint, with a tattoo on his face and talks of all night raves then clearly it aint gonna work sister.

Regardless of whether you overstepped the mark, he has made it clear his is not the type of person you are looking for so you need to find someone who is.

Great to see a sensible, mature young woman who is anti drugs, has decent morals and so forth. Never compromise that for anyone!

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (26 April 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt Men often accuse women of saying they want something.. and then choosing exactly the opposite, and I am afraid that your post seem to prove them right.

Who cares if 3 weeks is appropriate for asking more questions, or if 6 or 9 weeks would be better.. what I don't get is why are you bothering asking questions to begin with, since the guy does not match what you want.

You have morals and know right from wrong, he apparently does not , since he lies and misrepresents himself to get what he wants, and he is also a cheater. You don't like tattoos, he has tattoos. You don't like smoking, partying, doing drugs,- he likes smoking, partying and doing drugs.

That may be probably just the tip of the iceberg, but... isn't that already NOT what you were looking for ?...

What has he got to keep you so intrigued, is he so hot ? )...

Anyway : opposite attract,it's more exciting and intriguing discovering new worlds that we don't know, rather than staying in those we already know perfectly .

But, opposite attract in the short term, in the long run a decent level of likeness and compatibility is important to keep you together. That's not somethig that I thought of myself, there are several psychological studies which conclude that opposite attract in the here and now.... but very seldom it's for the long haul.

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (26 April 2014):

Abella agony auntStop immediately as this man is a liar and a thief and a cheat. How do you know he is not juggling several other women? His stories are far fetched and fanciful.

If he posted junk like this as what he was involved in a DC question then it is likely he would be told to seek urgent medical attention for his condition.

Except I believe you.

You are being stitched up by this man, and NO you cannot save this man. He believes his fantasies.

Please see this summation, in the link below, of what is entailed for a person who behaves as he behaves. The term for this is now called an antisocial personality disorder:

An "antisocial personality disorder" is a condition listed in the DSM-III and DSM-IV. This used to be called Moral insanity and a person with this set of traits is incapable of real emotions from love to shame to guilt. Such a person is incapable of sustaining a real relationship with another person.

The behaviours and the stories he peddles are surely enough surely to make you realise that he cannot bring you happiness, only pain. Unless you are his moral equivalent - someone who enjoys being hurt by others - then you had better put your running shoes on.

He needs assessment by a specialist psychiatrist and he needs treatment.

His own family probably already know this and have tried, hence why he will not let you meet them.

You do not have the skills to help him, he needs to talk things over with a psychiatrist.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (26 April 2014):

YouWish agony auntI'd be running like hell if I were you. He misrepresented himself regarding having kids and a wife (I'd be dubious as to whether or not he's separated or divorced), and the fact that his reaction to your questions about his cheating was to take offense should seal the cutoff from him.

I agree with Tisha here - he left stuff off of his application. This would be like leaving off felonies or misrepresenting his job history or skills. Yes, saying he has kids may have people passing over him, but that speaks suspiciously about his motives. People interested in long term relationships will be true to who they are, meaning that maybe some women will pass him up in search of someone who's not a father, but the other side of that coin is that the one who DOESN'T pass him up takes him as he is - how can he say that omitting his father status lets people see his "true self" when his "true self" is a father?

Also, the smoking and the drugs. If you don't take them and he does, it'a really going to be tough on you. Drugs cost money, child support costs money, and he has a lot of baggage.

Cut your losses. 3 weeks is enough time to say "sorry, bye!". I hope you haven't started having sex with him, because guys like this who lie and cheat tend to be fast movers and smooth talkers who want to put lots of distance from past mistakes while still making present ones.

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A female reader, Atsweet1 United States +, writes (26 April 2014):

Atsweet1 agony aunt I have 2 children and there always mentioned they are my.main priority over anyone else. I havent got skip over cause of children or a husband I once had women a young ladies of all ages from 18 & up to 40+ have been interest in dating me. I have tattoos also I enjoy going out socializing also not alot just sometimes. Im a part time smoker dont do drugs. I rather a none smoker I have dated more none smokers and had better relationships with them than smokers of drugs or cigarrettes also. I know alot of times we attract the opposites lately I have been attracting people like myself slight imitations not exact but similar. So Im cool with that I am comfortable with myself and with how I treat people and they way I want to be treated but we also change learn.and grow in alots of areas and in our ways.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014):

First few weeks people usually on their best behavior. Is this his best that he can do?

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (25 April 2014):

Tisha-1 agony auntThink of it as interviewing for a job. You prepare a resume, you submit your application and then if you are considered for the position, you are on what an employer would call a probationary period.

Employers check the facts on the resume and the application. The "must-haves" are tested as some of them can't be verified from the resume and application, such as people skills. A candidate could have a really great sounding background but absolutely zero people skills. You can't know that until you run through that probationary period.

Your guy lied on his resume and application. He doesn't have the background and skill set you are seeking. After just 3 weeks, you are most definitely in the probationary period and you would be entirely justified in ending the relationship.

Just tell him you and he aren't a good match and end it. No need to explain further. In fact, if he's an angry and belligerent type of guy, it would behoove you to do this like NOW.

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A female reader, Daisy_Daisy United Kingdom +, writes (25 April 2014):

Daisy_Daisy agony auntYou're not in the wrong, he's a liar. I once chatted to a guy online who unfolded much in the same way as the guy you mention: he went from being single without children, as his profile stated, to divorced with children, and then went from being British to Turkish. I decided not to meet up with him! I then noticed he doctored his profile even more so I reported him.

He also had the excuse that people would skip over his profile because he had children etc - that's not a dealbreaker for me, but lying (and history of cheating) is.

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A male reader, RevMick United Kingdom +, writes (25 April 2014):

RevMick agony auntAs with anything where you create your own persona online, there is always going to be some white lies, some falsehoods etc.

You have to ask yourself, and I believe you are starting to, "Can I cope with the truths?". As people get older and find the biological clock ticking, they start to think of compromises they would be willing to make in order to bag a relationship.

If you are happy being single, there is no need to rush into anything and so I would personally step away from this person and continue the search elsewhere. I would also advise guarding your heart, when using any online sites to look for someone.

Online relationships always look tender and juicy because everyone is putting their best face forward, and I have friends who have fallen hard. Only to then wake up and find they aren't in a relationship with the dream, but that reality bites hard.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014):

"I'm discovering more and more things about him that don't match what I'm looking for."

"My question is, am I in the wrong here? After 3 weeks, do I have the right to question him about his past? Am I being rude by asking or is he just being ignorant towards me?"

It's been three weeks. You now know that he misrepresented himself AND he admits to cheating on his wife, from whom he is probably not divorced. Why isn't that enough to convince you to weed him out and walk away?

"I believe in good morals and I know what is right and wrong."

Your post suggest otherwise. If you truly knew right from wrong then you would have already dumped a guy whom you know first hand is a liar and a cheater, especially one you've known for THREE WEEKS.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (25 April 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI think you need to decide IF there is too much in the CON side (as in PRO and CON) to keep seeing him.

If you are NOT interested in dating someone who has cheated in the past, then he is NOT for you.

IF you are NOT interested in dating someone with as much baggage as an EX wife and 2 kids provide, then he is NOT for you.

If you are NOT interested in dating someone who is into recreational drinking & drugs, HE is NOT for you.

I think it's pretty simple.

He got offended because he was hoping you would ONLY take him for the "face-value" HE gives you and HE put on his profile. No man should be upset about telling a prospect date about having kids. I can understand why he didn't put it in his profile, but I find it a bit dishonest. Putting divorced with 2 children, MIGHT make SOME women skip him, but it might ALSO make the women who aren't afraid to date a divorced man take notice. He is hoping to ROPE a woman in and once she seems "hooked" he will spring the ex-wife and kids on her, hoping that she will "overlook" them.

IT IS fair to ask questions - after all THAT is what dating is about, isn't it? GETTING to know the other person? And how do you do that? You TALK, you ASK questions, you spend time together...

For SOME opposite attracts for others it doesn't.

Don't look for reasons to KEEP dating him, if you are having issues with the FEW things you now know about him from the CON side of your list.

If I were you, I'd try another guy. Because I have a sneaking suspicion that more will show up in time that you either don't agree with or don't want to deal with in a partner. You have ONLY scraped the surface.

Sorry, this guy... back in the pond.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014):

You have every right to protect yourself and ask questions.

You don't buy anything about a man based; on his carefully doctored profile. You have a right to evaluate his character, marital status, and his true identity.

Before you expose yourself to a stranger, you have the right to know what type of man you're dealing with. Hopefully you will meet in a public place, have your own transportation; and you will find out as much about him as you can; before you consider any further contact.

He left out important details in order not to be skipped over? A lie by omission is still a lie. Leaving out a pertinent fact such as being divorced, is a deliberate act of deception.

You don't want anything sprung on you by surprise. Especially a man withholding facts, not allowing you a right to base your feelings and trust on important details of his status and character.

Ask whatever you like. If he gets offended, dump the SOB!

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A female reader, Ciar Canada +, writes (25 April 2014):

Ciar agony auntI don't think you have the right to dig into his past, but he did volunteer enough details about himself to let you know he wasn't compatible. So as SVC says, what's the point in digging any further?

By confessing to having cheated on his ex wife, he's already undermined your trust in him. After only three weeks he's given you reason to question him.

Similarities attract more than opposites do. Let this one go and find someone who shares your ideals.

That's my two cents.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014):

Why do you need to know more? He told you he cheated so to see how much crap you'll be willing to take. Nasty. As someone pointed out in another post, he's testing how gullible/vulnerable you are, how desperate you are to be liked/loved. Discard and move on. Plenty more fish in the dating sea.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (25 April 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntYOU have the right to ask questions but I wonder why are you even bothering?

He's lied to get more women to look at him. He figures that just like YOU.. he gets them hooked then it's too hard to leave.

I don't think that it's necessarily a bad thing for couples to have differing ideas on some things but thinks like drugs need to be deal breakers...

things like LIES (including lies of OMISSION) need to be deal breakers.

He is getting angry and defensive with your questions because he is deflecting. He can't manage to come up with the lies that will please you fast enough.

I suggest with this one you cut bait and move on.

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