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If I break up, I'll hurt! If I stay, I'll lack trust! What do I choose?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 April 2014) 11 Answers - (Newest, 28 April 2014)
A female India age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have been dating my boyfriend for three years. Four months into our relationship I found out that he cheated on me with F. I confronted him, we fought, he begged for forgiveness and I stayed with him. A year later I found out that he cheated me on with four other women. We fought, I told him I'm leaving, he begged me to stay and promised to change.

I stayed and he did stick to his promise for the next two years. We grew closer, we became the best of friends, he took care of me and loved me and met my family. We talked about marriage in the near future.

A week ago, I found out that he has been talking to F again, the very first woman he cheated on me with. I was furious. I confronted him, he broke down, told me he was bad and that he messaged her to check up on her and that it was wrong. He said he just talked to her online for a couple of days and that's it.

I am in a terrible situation right now. I cannot believe that he initiated contact with the same woman who he cheated on me first with.

I don't know what to do. I told him I cannot do this anymore, but he doesn't want to let me go. And told me he will do anything I tell him to and that he truly loves me and he hasn't been loved so much before and that my love will help him be a better man.

What's holding me back is that I truly love him. He has been there for me and he helped me in so many areas. He has always been so supportive and so patient and understanding. I know he loves me but I really do not know if he will really stop cheating this time again. He said it before and he didnt.

But since he is so willing, maybe we can work this out together?

I have been in bad relationships before where I've been treated badly. He was the only one who was so good to me, even my family and friends like him. But I don't know how to get over the fact that he cheated.

If I break up with me, I know I'm going to be in terrible pain and I have no idea if I will ever find someone. It's so hard where I live to find good and available men and I cannot move as i have family, friends, a stable job and my own apartment here.

If I stay, I will be forever doubting him and not trust him till he proves himself.

There's pain either way. And if I break up with him, it's loneliness along with the pain.

I'm in a terrible state right now. We are meeting in two days and I have to tell him my decision. What should I do?

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A male reader, wise-guy United Kingdom +, writes (28 April 2014):

Darling,

As hard as it is I think personally if I were you I would try and walk away. I know it is so hard as I am going through a tough patch of decision making with the girl I am head over heels for!

But do you want to be thinking all the time that he is up to no good? Are you willing to stick around knowing things will always seem a little bit worse? Because you'll have the thought in the back of your head all the time. You'll never be able to rest or be content.

If a man loves you he wouldnt cheat in the first place. I would just never ever consider cheating - But I am an old fashioned romantic at heart - I know its common now to have these casual open relationships that ain't for me. and it shouldn't be for you either :) You are worth so much more than this feeling of dread that has come over you.

I know its hard, trust me I know. You just cant get over the thought of being without him right? Always thinking about him, wondering if he misses you etc. The feelings I have for my love interest cut deeper than any knife. I know how bad you're feeling right now.

At least you know you're not alone in your problem!

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A female reader, Atsweet1 United States +, writes (26 April 2014):

Atsweet1 agony auntI dont get how you and him are having this great wonderful relationship but he is cheating either your lying or not telling all of the story. People dont just cheat even if they are habitual cheaters or on the wild side. If everything is so go and great and awesome. i was with a chick like this she mentioned she.didnt like me wasnt attracted to me my sex wasnt good plus she was using me.for money then her mom.didnt like me either. But her brother told her I slept with his friend and we fell out from that point on. I want be waiting for people to make up there mind about what they trying to do to me. As far as I know they must dont and or didnt feel the same about the relationship as you express here in this blog. I have been in relationships too where people want to make you fall in love but they still cheating and suck whoring around doing what they like and.want while Im suppose to be on the back burner. Not go work. Was involved with people in relationships never even knew we was dating actually its a mess. I dont see them at my residents on proper dates and all that we in relations and they get mad when I have relations with 4 women also. Its odd but true.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (26 April 2014):

Anonymous 123 agony auntLet me give you a hug OP, because that's what you need now. An its-going-to-be-OK hug. Because you know what? It is.

Good for you for having taking a decision because not many people would have the courage to do what you're about to do. But trust me OP, you'll thank yourself for it. This guy is a scheming rat because he's successfully managed to con you into thinking that he's supportive, patient, understanding and really an angel to you while its all a bloody facade. If he were all of this then he would never even *think* of cheating on you.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"

In your case, you've lost count how many times you've been fooled and cheated by him. And wait a second...I just noticed something that you wrote about what he said. "... he hasn't been loved so much before and that my love will help him be a better man."

What BULLSHIT!!! Someone who hasn't been "loved" as he claims will never hurt the one person who loves them. This is a line straight out of the Cheaters Handbook and this itself is enough for you to throw him out. Hasn't been loved my ass. And what, he's looking for that "love" now with all the women he's cheating in you with?

Geez enough with him already! Just kick him out and don't ever look back. Forget the hurt and loneliness, would you rather be in a relationship with a bottom feeding mud-dweller just for the sake of being on a relationship? Or would you rather be single and fabulous? Its not a tough choice, really!

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (26 April 2014):

Aunty BimBim agony auntNow that you appear to have made the decision there is no need to actually meet him, that will be difficult for you and not something he deserves. Phone him now, tell him you wont be meeting him at the designated time, nor will you be meeting him ever again.

You need to be the one calling the shots here, not him, so take charge and get on with it. The sooner you can get the break up over and done with, the sooner you cant get your grieving over and done with and start rebuilding your life.

Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your replies. You all are amazing. I think I have decided what to do. He has to go.

Yes, anonymous he is basically a whore. A bad person. And I gave him all my love, my trust and my friendship.

Anonymous123, to he honest I was seeking an affirmation from you all telling me it's fine. But I guess, it is not fine is it? It's just so painful. I can never understand how someone can be like this, I haven't met anyone like him before, a serial cheater who has no regards for anyone but himself. Your last paragraph was exactly what Im feeling. I'll miss his familiarity. And it's going to be a very hard, very lonely journey. I hope I make it through,

AuntyBimBim, those were his exact words!! Every time. That he loves me, that he cares, that he won't cheat, that im his best friend, the only one who understands him. And then he goes and sleeps with another woman. it's just so unbelievable and I can't understand it.

Thank you CMPP, yes I guess he sees it as a free pass.

Thank you CindyCares. There were probably more women that I don't know of. It's very highly possible, and it makes me feel even worse. There was I looking after him, taking care of him; while all the time he had his arms around someone else. It makes me feel sick to think about it.

Thanks Sageoldguy1465. Is there something amiss in me? I don't know. All I've ever wanted was to love and be loved in returned. I didn't have this planned for when I reach the age of 25. It's the saddest thing that has happened to Me. I hope I can move on and be a stronger person.

It's going to hurt. A lot. But I guess there is no running away. Either way I will feel the pain. But I guess I have to break up with him. Thank you all once again.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (25 April 2014):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntJust this morning, I talked about just this issue with my Sister..... who is a delightful woman who has been by herself (along with her dog), for MANY years.....

We agreed that there is something amiss with a woman who will put herself through what this OP describes.....

OP: WHAT do you stand to gain by hanging out with this creep FOR EVEN ONE MORE MINUTE??????? Wouldn't you be better off to go to a cave on an undiscovered Pacific Island and stay THERE for the rest of your life, rather than endure this guy????

Good luck....

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (25 April 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt Nearly everyday on DC, since a few years already, and still some posters can amaze me. The way they drive a hammer to their toes, and they call it " love ".. It hurts... but they'd miss it too much ?!

OP , what are you doing to yourself ? It's ok to give people a second chance, ... who knows, maybe a third and final ?... but he cheated on you 5 times ! And he was aiming for the 6th, it just happened that you caught it in time !

Yes, btw there's also this to consider : he cheated on you 5 times- that you know of. Who tells you that they haven't been 10, or 15... you just never came to find it out. In the two years he has been " good ", maybe he has not " changed ", he's just got better at covering his tracks, haven't you thought of that ?...

But, already 5 times it's enough, and makes ridicolous to think taking his promises seriously. So he really really loves you, and he really really won't do it any more ? ... But he said that the other times too, didn't he ?, and, it did not work. He has not changed, because he does not need to, in fact your forgiveness may have made him bolder. He knows he just has to say please please pretty please, I have been bad , but I love you, and you'll melt.

He is not going to change, he's going to cuckhold you for the rest of your life if you stay together. I agree that unluckily there is going to be hurt anyway, but, I guess it depends from points of view. I cannot see how being hurt and lonely ( in case you should never find another man, which is absurdly, exaggeratedly pessimistic ) would be worse than being hurt- and constantly disrespected and made a fool of , by this gem of boyfriend of yours. All this talks about love... aren't you capable of having a little bit of love for yourself, too ?

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (25 April 2014):

What good is love if this is how it makes you feel? He'll do anything you say for a a couple of weeks then, just as he has done at least 5 times in the past, he'll cheat on you again.

People make mistakes, but at this point he's proven that he has no intention on quitting cheating. He just needs to hide it better. And he's also learned that you'll always take him back if he begs enough, so you've basically given him a free pass.

You say it's hard to find good guys when you are, but you could always try online dating.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (25 April 2014):

Aunty BimBim agony auntIf you listen to his excuses, and his promises he will cheat again, because he has already cheated on you, what, 5 times, and each time you have a little cry and he says' believe me baby I only love you, and I wont do it again!"

How many times has he said that to you now? How many more times are you intending to let him make promises that he knows are no more than words that he can break, within a few months he will be texting F again, and a few days after that he will have sex with her ....

And you will find out, and you will cry and he will do the 'believe me baby, I wont never cheat again' thing ....

As for it being hard to find a good decent man where you live, there is no way you are going to find a man of that description as long as you have tied yourself to a lying cheater .....

Your choice, its not that hard.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (25 April 2014):

Anonymous 123 agony auntOP what you want is an affirmation from us telling you that it's fine, forgive him because he means well, he just made a mistake, he's human, he erred.

The truth however is that he's a serial cheater and will never change. Maybe he really does love you, but he also needs the thrill of doing something naughty, something sneaky. He needs more than just the one woman in his wife and he has proved this to you time and again.

If you choose to stay with him then you'll just be in denial OP. You will keep telling yourself over and over again that he loves you and that he's been good to be but the fact is that this great guy has repeatedly cheated on you. There's no two ways about it.

If you break up with him, you'll be lonely as hell and there will be times when you'll feel that you cant take it anymore. You would much rather have this flawed guy with you than anything else. But you know what OP, breaking up might just be the best thing for you right now, because much as this man begs and pleads and falls over backwards to apologize for cheating on you, he doesn't mean a single word of what he says. Not once, not twice, but SIX times. And this is just what you know of. I bet there are more times that he's cheated on you that you don't know of.

If you choose to stay with him then you get the instant short-term gratification. You'll have a warm familiar body to hug you, you'll have him swooning all over you doing everything that he can to get into your good books again, you'll feel like the most important person in his life. But then what? OP all his support, patience, understanding and love means nothing at all if he cant stay faithful to you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014):

To sum it up, he doesn't love you. Not one iota. A man who cheats like this and breaks his promises over and over cares for only himself.

Ditch him now before he gives you an STD and be free to meet decent and trustworthy men. Your love and allegiance are misplaced. I've been through this, it's not worth it and he is very unlikely to change. He's basically a whore.

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