A
female
age
36-40,
*onksDaBomb
writes:This guy I’ve known for about five years (he’s actually a former college prof of mine; he is not married). We’ve really kept in touch since I’ve graduated, emailing and sometimes talking on the phone. He has been flirting with me since last summer, constant eye contact, sitting close to me, smiling and laughing and (once around Christmas when I was home) he and I gazed in each other’s eyes. Ever since that incident at Christmas, I’ve been back to where I work (several states away) and have tried to keep in touch like usual through email and phone, leaving a couple messages. He had totally ignored me. I was so confused and frusted and couldn’t figure out what I did wrong.A couple days ago, out of the blue, he responds to one of the emails I sent him. He thanked me for keeping in touch and then asked if I was going to be home for Easter (I told him no, not til at least June).So what’s this all mean? He is way too old for me and I just want us to be friends (although he is a cutie). I can’t figure out if he wants to stay friends and keep in touch or the reason he wants to see me is cause he likes me more as a friend. I just don’t understand the complete 180 he’s done. What do you think?
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (8 March 2009):
 Hey there,
My only advice to you is...try not to corner his feelings and make him commit. Guys hate that. Maybe a free and easy conversation but yes, try to get your feelings a little out in the open without scaring him off. I think these days it is fairly typical for guys to run hot and cold. In my experience, guys like a chase so try to be a little mysterious and non commital yourself. That way he will think of you as more of a prize. I wish you luck. Do not worry about the age thing and enjoy him for what he is. You sound like you have your head on your shoulders pretty good.
As for the thinking of him 24/7...sorry, no solutions for that. Got my own problems in that area...still can't let go of wanting more from my friend.
Let me know how it goes.
A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (7 March 2009):
MonksDaBomb is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks dearkelja :)
I am going home for Easter for about six days and when I emailed him telling that, he told me that was good news, to let him know once I was home and he even told me when he'd be off from school. I really want us to have an honest face-to-face talk about what is going on between us (hopefully he initiates it, but since he is painfully shy and sensitive I doubt it). I just want to figure out what is going on between us and what he feels about me because this hot/cold indecisiveness he's doing to me is very confusing and driving me crazy. I honestly cannot stop thinking about him; it's like 24/7 which is very annoying!
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (3 March 2009):
Well, for sure if the relationship crashed, the friendship would be doomed. The age difference is significant but not insurmountable. However, I hear you saying you value the friendship and that he did hurt you at one point when you thought there would be more. I understand that you are holding your feelings at bay a little to protect yourself. I have been struggling with a man (same age) and we started out as friends and tried one date on Christmas Eve. I thought it went well but he said he just couldn't think of me as more than a friend and he didn't want to ruin what we have by trying further. He said he felt if we continued to pursue things and it didn't work out we would destroy the friendship. We are rock solid as friends and even though we go out once a week, email every day and talk on the phone here and there I still want more. My feelings have never waivered...but alas, I can not make him want me that way and so I continue to be friends. Like you, I will not go there again because I don't want to be hurt again, and there is a part of me that is holding on to the thought that he will come around. But as time goes by, I am getting very comfortable with the friendship and I am relaxing and even seeing someone new...which he hates. Go figure. I say just enjoy the friendship for now. Maybe as you get to know him more you will figure things out further...Best of luck to you...
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (1 March 2009):
MonksDaBomb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe age difference is quite large: 34 years (he's 59; I'm 25). But honestly he looks 15-20 years younger; he does not look his age at all. I'm just very indecisive at the moment. When he was ignoring me, I'd cry at night praying that he'd talk to me and if he would start talking to me again I would treat him as a friend and nothing more. But now ever since he's finally talking again, these feelings are being brought back up again. I know a relationship would probably not work (I'm saying an 85-90 percent chance - for one thing we live too far away and long-distance relationships don't always work from what I hear), so I would rather have his friendship than nothing at all. I'm just afraid if we attempted at a relationship, it fell through, then I'd lose his friendship and I don't want to lose that.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (28 February 2009):
what is the age difference? I will tell you that when I was in my early 20s I dated a man who was 13 years older than I was and it was one of the best relationships I ever had. We would be married today but he was ready for marriage and kids and I was still in college. Recently I have dated a man who is 15 years younger than I am and that is a fantastic relationship also. In both relationships the communication is the best and I felt very comfortable being who I am. So, I say, let go of the age thing and focus on how you respond to each other and how you make each other feel. And by the way, I am still friends with my college love even though we both have lived our lives, married, divorced, kids etc. It is and will only ever be a friendship these days but a very nice one indeed.
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (26 February 2009):
MonksDaBomb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know, to be honest, I don't know what I want. My heart knows the age difference is too much and I'm afraid if we tried a relationship it wouldn't work and would ruin the friendship which I value. But the rest of my body doesn't seem to want to listen to my heart. He is just so fun to be around and whenever I talk to him (either in person or on the phone) the time literally flies. Perhaps he's as indecisive as I am.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (26 February 2009):
hard to tell...if you just like him as a friend, why all the concern about what he feels for you. I suspect you maybe want more. If that is the case, and that's ok if it is, then you should let him do some chasing. Guys don't like forward women as a rule. Sometimes when you let go, they take over. Just go with the flow thinking it's just a friendship and nothing more for now.
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