A
male
age
41-50,
*reezer
writes:I started dating this girl about three years, everything went fine but she wanted a commitment that I didn’t want to rush into. Then one night she turned up with another guy at the pub. I was completely shattered. Because of my pride, I didn’t say anything, and thought to myself if I don’t want a commitment with her just now maybe she is not the one for me. Time passed and she moved in with him, but we did keep in very regular contact via phone and text. Although sometimes I didn’t call her as much as I should. She even left notes for me at my car windscreen, which was extremely sweet. I always thought that we would end up together someday. But I have always wanted to do so at my own pace and always thought that I will make the move when they broke up. Well, silly me. They have not broken up they are now engaged and planning on getting married. I have spoken to her and she says she does care for me but that she says she cannot risk it. Now I am completely convinced she is the Love of My Life, and I am willing to give her whatever commitment she wants. She has told me in the past that she prefers me to the other guy, but as I don’t want a commitment. Should I keep trying to get her back or forget about it all and kick myself for been such an idiot?
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male
reader, breezer +, writes (15 March 2007):
breezer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been going through an absolute hell. I have spoken to her and done basically everything possibly human to make her understand how I feel about her. Her reply well it’s even worse! The only reply I have been able to get from her is that she can't risk it and that I should have done this before, and that she DOES love me, but also loves the other guy. I asked her to tell me that she prefers the other guy but she cannot answer me. I think that she is marrying because she is taking the easy way out, I spoke to her sister and she totally agrees with me. For me this is driving me absolutely crazy. I would have preferred to hear that she does not love me, as it would have been easier to digest. But to tell me that, is even worse as I really cannot come to terms with that, I cannot even completely close this chapter in my life. Only yesterday I decided that I needed to try and close this once and for all. I simply cannot carry on like this anymore; it is affecting me far too much and is going on for far too long. I went to her work this morning and told her not to contact me again, as I really needed her out of my mind and life. I switched my mobile phone off nearly all day, but late this evening she called me. When I saw the phone ringing I didn’t answer it but after an hour it rang again and even though I didn’t want to answer it, I did, it’s just I couldn’t resist not answering. It was the same answer again. She told me she was sorry but she couldn’t risk it and that she loved me. This is absolutely destroying me.
A
male
reader, breezer +, writes (6 February 2007):
breezer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for your much needed advice! Really I do feel that both Dagwood and Dr. Pete are correct, I have a feeling she has gone for ever but I think that I am going to take Depaiva's advice. I think that she is the Love of My Life. My world is just right when I am with her. So I am going to give it one last shot. Maybe I will speak to her twin sister to see if she can shed any light what she really thinks. My opinion is that she just wants to settle down with someone, and I was not ready for a commitment and this other guy was. I was a real IDIOT (actually I am thinking of other words to describe me that probably would be censored in this site!). Many thanks to all of you, at this very difficult time in my life. Will let you all know how it goes on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007):
There's a few things in your question that I would be concerned about and make me wonder if you two are so good together.
First, she should not be telling you that she prefers you over her fiance. Second, having told you that she does not want to be with you, that should be your prompt to move on and let her live her life based on the choice that she has made.
I think you are both displaying signs of an unhealthy codependency, she obviously has some kind of confused feelings for you, or at least, enjoy the attention in knowing you have feelings for her. I think for you to continue to have this desire to pursue her, even when she has "chosen" another man indicates more that you wish to pursue something you can't have rather than out of a genuine feeling of love.
You've told this girl you have changed and want commitment, all the time she stays with her fiance and confuses you by telling you she likes you more than him. The best thing you can do is accept the situation and move on. The longer you feel second-best to this other man the more it will eat away at your self-confidence and the more you will feel that you want and need this women in your life. It's not healthy and this is why you feel so lost you have had to write for advice.
All the best with whatever you decide to do.
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A
female
reader, depaiva  +, writes (6 February 2007):
 Well you were an idiot. But at least you realize how you feel. You say that she likes you and that she prefers you to him, so I don't think you should give up just yet-after all they not married yet so you still have a chance.
Never give up on true love and if you do win her back then you better make it up to her. You both deserve to be happy-just be careful not to hurt the other guy involved.
Good luck and I truly hope things work out for you.
The movie "My best friend's wedding" comes to mind here. :-)
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A
male
reader, Dagwood +, writes (6 February 2007):
 Hi Breezer. We guys are stupid mate! Only realising afterwards what we want! The same thing happened to me and only when she broke it off after 5 years did I start to feel what I lost and the love I had for her. Only then did I send her flowers and was willing to go to hell and back but it did not work! The more I bothered her the more she pulled away. And that just made me hurt more! You have to forget her, no contact, NOTHING! If she loves you she'll come back but you can't move on unless you have closure. You'll just become obsessed so learn from this and the next time you fall in love (you will) and you see a possibility of a future; commit. Take a risk, you can't be intimate without taking risks, we take them all the time. Good luck and take care.
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