A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have not had sex for a while, even though we have had the opportunity. He has not initiated sex for well over six weeks and although I've tried to initiate it myself, it never turns into sex. Sometimes we do literally everything BUT have penetrative sex.I have spoken to him about it and he hasn't really given me a reason, he's just said he's sorry and that he IS intimate with me, we just sometimes don't have sex. He's not playing away, he works 12 hour shifts and spends his spare time with me or keeps in contact if we can't meet up. In all other ways he is the perfect boyfriend. I am feeling very rejected and hurt by this, in my last relationship my boyfriend stopped wanting sex as well, so I can only think it is something wrong with me. However, it was not this early on in the relationship, we've only been together 6 months. I can't handle feeling like this and I've told him that. Would it be unreasonable to say to him that until we start having sex again I won't consider us to be in a romantic relationship? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): not unless you would mind him going out with someone else ;).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): Seeing as he's doing everything but intercourse with you, and he's not "completely and totally" off sex I don't think you have to worry about porn.
OP 12 hour shifts are knackering no matter what your age and no threatening him with a break up (which is essentially what you're saying) until he provides sex is most likely going to have him walk away, if he's smart.
To be honest with you OP, the way you're handling this, taking it to mean there's something wrong with you, making it seem like he's not good enough etc. is probably making him feel even less horny. Did you also tell him what you told us and compare him to your ex too? If so then you only piled on the pressure and are making it even harder for him to perform, add to that the whole "I can't handle feeling this way" thing I honestly don't know why he hasn't walked already.
Yes 6 weeks is a long time and he should be open and honest about his reasons. Yes you have needs but your reaction has been melodramatic and it's only making things worse.
Making a guy feel like a failure is not going to make him hornier.
The reason I say all this OP because it makes no sense for you to twist it back on yourself. He spends all his time with you, he is in constant contact and you do get intimate with each other. You're putting intercourse as the most important part of your self esteem in this relationship? OP I could meet you in a bar tonight and bone you, I don't even have to be attracted to you to stick it in, is penetration really your sole source of validation?
If you want to resolve this you'll find out why he hasn't had any libido and try and sort it that way. There are always reasons and while yes sex is important and no sex is a deal breaker stop taking it so personally because his reasons are nothing to do with you, how is he rejecting you if you're still being intimate? He may be having problems with erections or maybe the last time you had sex he was so bad it's knocked his confidence and he doesn't want to go through that again, or maybe, just maybe the way you're reacting is making him not want it at all.
Stop putting this on you, it's nothing to do with anything being wrong with you and your ex has nothing to do with this so let that go. You need to look at your circumstances clearly and see what's changed from 6 weeks ago and see if this is something that can be fixed. Op you are well within your right to walk away if he can't step up. But if you don't at least try and fix this then you'll just leave this relationship with no answers and with your confidence shot to shit because that'll be too where the guy has "gone off you" in your mind.
At least find out why first, if he can't or won't fix it, then walk. But really, try and be little less dramatic. It's very hard to open up to a person who responds that way to stuff and takes things so personally.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (20 January 2014):
 An ultimatum is probably not the best way to handle this situation. 6 weeks is a very long time in a 6 month relationship. I find it very interesting that he claims that he is intimate with you. To me this indicates a difference of opinion on the definition of intimacy. Intimacy is not just sexual, it is also emotional, and financial, and intellectual. He seems to be satisfied at this point with other than sexual intimacy. But just as one type of intimacy leads to the others, withholding one type of intimacy leads to withholding other types of intimacy. A good example is that you want to withhold emotional intimacy because you are not receiving sexual intimacy. Unfortunately that will probably lead to his withdrawal of even more intimacy.
He probably has many reasons for holding back on penetrative sex. Fear, tiredness, misinformation. Part of your problem is finding out what it is that is holding him back.
What you need to do is to define intimacy together with him. Be open and flexible in your thinking but do not settle for a definition that does not meet your needs. In the mean time tell him it is your turn. You need a sexual encounter with him and you won't take no for an answer. Explain from the very beginning that this encounter is going to end with penetrative sex. Make sure you are prepared with all of the safety supplies so there is no excuse. When you do get to the main event be vocal, make sure he understands how much you like it and need it.
That should give you a good starting pace for your discussion.
FA
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 January 2014):
 The two top reasons I can think of for young healthy guys to go completely and totally off sex are either:
1. Antidepressants. If he's taking any SSRIs or SSNIs for anxiety or depression, those can really kill his sex drive.
2. Porn use. Porn addiction is getting more and more common, and the most common tip off is a lack of interest in sex. You can get more info here:
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): The first months of a relationship are often the most lust filled. Maybe he's settling into the relationship a bit and his sex drive is just low anyway? 12 hour shifts are quite tough going, he may be tired. My boyfriend is currently not too interested in sex. He assures me it's not me - he's on a low carb diet - which he's done before and when this happens his sex drives drops off the radar!!! He's doing the diet for a fitness competition and I've got 12 weeks of it to go! I've got quite a high sex drive so I find it frustrating. Plus he's stressed about work so it's a combination of things!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): If he's working 12hours a day he must be extremely tired.
But if he has enough energy to do everything but sex then maybe it's not work stress or fatigue.
If your sex drives are out of sync in this 'honey moon period' I shudder to think where you'll be when the 7 year itch sets in.
Since you've already talked to him and he doesn't see a problem, I'm tempted to say maybe you're just not compatible.
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