A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello all. I've been in a relationship with a man for the last 7 months. We have had plenty of ups and downs but currently we are in a down trend. I sensed he was pulling away about two weeks ago because he had a lot going on in his life. I offered to give him his space. I didn't contact him for the weekend or the entire next week. The following Saturday I just texted to say "I hope you are doing well". He responded and we continued to text for the day. We agreed to meet for lunch and had a good time. After lunch I could tell he was getting distant again so we said our goodbyes. At this time I was feeling completely insecure about our relationship and asked him to see if maybe we could get together during the week for a drink or maybe make some time on the upcoming weekend. He said he would see what he could do. I did not contact him again for the entire week and didn't hear from him. I did contact him this past Saturday and asked if he had time to get together that I needed to tell him about some things. He proceeded to tell me that he was too busy this weekend and wondered what was up, over text? I told him it was too much to text and that I would rather see him in person. I realized that I couldn't continue feeling like he didn't want me anymore so I told him that I would send him and email. I didn't want to talk this way but I felt like he had left me no choice since he was not making time for me.So I proceed to write him an email. I wanted to let him know how I was feeling about the relationship and that I didn't feel wanted by him anymore. I told him that I was trying to be supportive of him and that if he needed continued space I would respect his request. I basically asked him if he loved me or wanted me anymore. I was prepared for whatever answer I got bc I thought I knew what he was going to say, which was that he didn't love me anymore and that we should stop seeing each other. After I sent the email I texted him and told him and said that I had really put myself out there and I would appreciate a response. I said that because he has avoided such conversations in the past by ignoring me or changing the subject. I received a response to my email but he basically told me he was busy, that he was overwhelmed with things, that we should have had the conversation in person and said more later......He had basically ignored anything I said. I was trying to get a resolution to this. I am a single mother and I've just lost my job so I am under an extreme amount of stress and was trying to eleviate this stress factor so I could focus. I wanted and needed him to support me. So I was a little angry. I sent another email telling him I hoped he would respond soon. That I was hurting just as much as he was an please don't disappear on me. I had other thoughts throughout the evening so I sent another email. Mind you, he's the one that wanted this conversation over email instead of in person where everything could be discussed in an adult manner. He emailed me back this morning and said "I'm f**king busy, you're getting clingy, demanding, and f**king pyscho - back off your smothering me!". In a way I knew this was coming, he has done this before and then given me the silent treatment for as long as a month. I don't agree with his statement. I have been nothing but supportive and I offered him space!! I have not responded back to his email and I don't think I will. I am hurt by his words towards me. I told him I had put myself out there by asking him those questions and I feel like he just stomped on my feelings. He gave me no answers and I'm still in the same situation with this person except now he is angry with me. So, my questions are this....do you think I was right in trying to express to him how I felt in the relationship? Did I deserve to be talked to like that? Am I doing the right thing by not responding to him (hes usually the one to give the silent treatment) or should I let him know how his response hurt me? Will he contact me again? Does he even realize how hurtful his words were? Did he break up with me with that response or should I do that for him?Thank you for reading.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 January 2014):
 Hi OP, I read this question and the last one, which I did answer.
In this question, you admonished Ciar for assuming similarities and didn't actually respond to all the other aunts who responded to you.
In the previous question, none of the aunts received any followup whatsoever.
To both of the question askers, consider yourself broken up and MOVE ON. If you are dealing with unemployment and parenting a child as a single parent then you don't need to chase down an unwilling boyfriend. This is a time-waster and a waste of your limited resources.
Yes, you break up with him. The relationship is over and there's no point in trying to continue to get him to respond. If you do, you will definitely be in the stalker category and your child needs you to be a parent, not being questioned by police.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): I am the OPThank you to those of you that responded. I appreciate your input. @Ciar you don't know what you're talking about. I was given this website by a friend on Saturday and have never posted before. You are comparing me to someone who is in a somewhat similar situation and that is unfair. You don't know all the details of my situation and your being a "aunt" on this site does not make you a know all. I don't appreciate my situation being compared to someone else's just because there may or may not be similarities. Thanks anyway. (Mod note: the questions both originated from the same IP address.)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 January 2014):
 Honestly, from my point of view it seems like he likes to be with you when it SUITS him. You are more like a FWB then a GF. No one ignores their GF or needs "space" because they are busy at work. PEOPLE find time to call here and there EVEN when they are really busy and no one works - 24/7.
I would just call and end it. Or even text - it's over don't ever call me again, then block his number.
Sending a mail to express how you feel can easily be seen as clingy - he wasn't paying attention to you, so you fired of an e-mail, then a text demanding he read and answer - when you didn't get the response YOU wanted to fired of another one.
Honey, that is no way to deal with issues. I understand that you two weren't TALKING to each other and you felt that was the only way you could communicate. I will disagree. I would have picked up the phone and told him you two really needed to sit down and talk (and this should be face to face) and for him to find a time/day you two could met up.
HE on the other hand is a complete douche-wad.
How do you put up with a guy who gives you the silent treatment for a WHOLE month? and WHY? And then the name calling and going off on you like that? Just NO.
WANT more for yourself and do NOT have guys like that around your kid.
Should you tell him he hurt your feelings? There is no need. He doesn't care.
Never date a guy who doesn't WANT to spend time with you. Who NEEDS "space". If a guy is THAT busy, he shouldn't date anyone. And guy who pull "silent treatment"? No, just no. Don't accept that.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (20 January 2014):
 Here is a link to the question you submitted on October 12, 2013.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-treated-me-badly-so-why-do-i.html
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (20 January 2014):
1. No, I do not think you were right in expressing your feelings about the relationship because a) you're not in a relationship with this man* and b) you've been badgering him with texts and emails about your feelings for the past several months. Enough already.
2. When you continue to hang around or return to someone you claim mistreats you then there comes a point where you do deserve what you get.
3. Do I think you should contact him yet again to inform him of your feelings? What do you think?
4. He doesn't contact you much as it is and when he does it's to tell you to leave him alone so my guess is you won't hear from him again until you bombard him with more texts and emails about your feelings.
5. Yes, he does realise his words were hurtful and he's beyond caring.
6. He broke up with you when he stopped speaking to you for a whole month back in September 2013 (or earlier). The problem is you just won't go away.
OP, this guy is just someone you dated for a while. You became a pest and he lost interest. That was months ago. He is not your boyfriend and you are stalking him. You have got to stop this or you will land yourself in a lot of trouble.
You are far too old for this type of behaviour. You said you're a single mother so it's no great leap to assume you're on the dole. That would explain your loneliness and all the free time you seem to have to harass this man. OP, you have got to find some meaning to your life, something rewarding, instead spending your life cooped up, alone in your apartment.
Take up a hobby, do volunteer work, join a community or church group. Something, anything to pass the time, better yourself and satisfy your need for companionship.
Leave this man alone and don't contact him ever again.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 January 2014):
 In an ideal world, yes, of course you have the right to express your feelings and emotions and to have this communication met timely, with patience, understanding, honesty and compassion.
In practice a)if you lie down with dogs you'll wake up with fleas
b) what part of " leave me alone, we'll talk some other time " you did not understand ?!
What I mean is, as usual actions speak louder than words. The guy is giving you a wide berth ,investing as little time and effort in your relationship as possible, and giving you the silent treatment when he feels you are tryng to put him on the spot. ( and that's not the first time, as you say ).
That gives you your answer. It means that you are into him much more than viceversa, and it means that he neither wants to actually dispose of you nor that he is that bothered with your wants needs and feelings.
It means that he wants you around at his terms and conditions and as long as you play by his rules, fit into his schedule, and don't make emotional waves.
I know you want a clear cut, yes or not, answer - but you are not going to get it from him- because there isn't one,from his point of view.
He obviously does not act as someone who's crazily in love, or even much interested. On the other hand, he is not so fed up with you to have to kick you out of his life- not if you will be a good girl, leave him plenty of space to do his own thing, and just take what he feels like giving when he feels like giving it, with no pressures or emotional outbursts from you.
Is that not good enough for you ? I don't blame you if it isn't, it makes perfect sense that you'd want more.
But , his ACTIONS have alreday told you that he is not THAT bothered, so peltering him with a barrage of " heart on my sleeve " emails was PREDICTABLY not going to make much of a dent. He should really CARE about what you feel to be moved or bothered, while he most probbaly only cares .. as long as you play nicely by HIS rules and don't make yourself a nuisance.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 January 2014):
 1.) "do you think I was right in trying to express to him how I felt in the relationship?" Yes. You wanted to know what was going on and as a mature adult, you sought this out by doing what nature adults do - you communicated with him.
2.) "Did I deserve to be talked to like that?" Hell no. Not at all!
3. "Am I doing the right thing by not responding to him (hes usually the one to give the silent treatment) or should I let him know how his response hurt me?" You definitely shouldn't respond to his outburst with how you feel. For one, he's clearly not mature enough to take your feelings into consideration and respond like a normal human being. so don't waste your breath. and also, if you do message him again, he will more than likely respond even more harshly. Don't subject yourself to that shit.
4.) Will he contact me again? Perhaps. But you should not hold your breath. And if he does, screw him. He's treated you like total shit and doesn't deserve you.
5.) "Does he even realize how hurtful his words were?" How could he not? I can't imagine speaking like that to someone. Let alone not being aware it was hurtful.
6.) "Did he break up with me with that response or should I do that for him?" I can't speak for him. but it sounds as though the relationship is over and that solidified it. However, you can go ahead and end it for him if you'd like. He's a douchebag and needs to grow the hell up.
I'm sorry you've had to experience a guy like that. Don't convince yourself that you deserved his response. you've done nothing wrong. So hold your head up high and realize he was just not a good person.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): You had every right to tell him you you feel. He sounds like an asshole. I don't think he cares about your feeling because if he did he wouldn't have spoken to you that way. I think you need to cut him off and get on with your life. He's not worth the effort. Let him go and make some other woman miserable.
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A
female
reader, scrdofyou +, writes (20 January 2014):
 Cut your losses and move on. Couples should support each other. Not ignore, get distant, and hurt each other. You gave him support in whatever way you could, but when it was your turn to need his support, he only kicked you while you were down.You said he has a habit of giving you the silent treatment. Healthy couples work through things by talking, and expressing their feelings. It seems that you're putting 85% into this relationship and he's barely coming up with the other 15%. If I were you, I would end it and go no contact. He will have all the space he can handle, and you won't be "psychotic".He sounds selfish, almost immature. People have a tendency to need answers when they really love someone and a problem arises. He obviously hasn't grasped that. Do you think this will be the last time this will happen? Or will he forever stay in his cycle of treating you like a nobody when he wants to? Only you can make that call.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (20 January 2014):
"So, my questions are this....do you think I was right in trying to express to him how I felt in the relationship? Did I deserve to be talked to like that? Am I doing the right thing by not responding to him (hes usually the one to give the silent treatment) or should I let him know how his response hurt me? Will he contact me again? Does he even realize how hurtful his words were? Did he break up with me with that response or should I do that for him?"
First I'll answer your questions:
1. Yes
2. No
3. Yes, don't respond. No, don't tell him about how he hurt you.
4. I don't know. Probably.
5. He probably doesn't care.
6. You should do that for him.
My two cents: He sounds like a complete jerk. The manner in which he responded to you was not okay. You shouldn't accept him talking to you like that. The fact that he gives you the silent treatment and has done so for a whole month(!)shows he's a passive aggressive abuser. I really hope you don't want to stay with this guy any more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2014): My young age may make my advice maybe not so good but this is my perspective on it. I think you did the right thing emailing him. You have him a chance to do it in person but he refused so you used your last resort to get your thoughts to him whether he liked them or not. I do think he's the psycho one for having such sac extreme reaction to you wanting a response. As I've seen from other answers on this site giving into someone's silent treatment gives that person power over you. My suggestion would be to write him back and say you're considering ending the relationship because you want someone who's willing to talk rather than be childish. And that if he can't do that he needs some growing up to do. You have him proper space and it seems like he's beginning to make excuses too avoid the real issue at hand. I'd say you were in the right here.
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