A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Long story short, my wife has cheated a few times. She put her best friend in the middle as an excuse as to where she was. Her friend had no idea she was being used. So her best friend decides she is no longer friends with my wife. I called this woman last week to see how she's doing and was more than happy to invite me over for coffee. She said she will not forgive my wife for what she did to both of us and wants to be friends with me. I told her I know my wife has had several affairs at this point and that she refuses me sexually. She said she would be very happy to have me as a sex buddy on a now and then basis. She is divorced, has no attachments and is a willing sexual partner. At the current time, divorcing my wife is out of the question as we have too many financial obligations and kids in high school. We seem to be living seperate lives at this point and my wife doesen't sleep in the same room with me. Would I be so wrong to take this sexual opportunity with her ex best friend as long as my wife never finds out?
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affair, best friend, divorce, her ex Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, baby duck +, writes (7 September 2008):
 Maybe that will work for you, the open marriage idea. I think it's healthy to approach your situation with the idea of "level playing field", where as the perspective of sleeping with her friend (that she betrayed) because she offered (making you both co-horts in crime, with an 'us against her' slant). If you feel that being up front with her about getting your physical urges met is the only viable solution right now, than (at least) you are being fair to her.
Now, I am no expert on male's emotions. I have a basic understanding of the concepts of how male and female minds function, but my experience with normal male emotions is seriously stunted. That said, I have read a lot here that suggests to me that men are happiest when they are having regular sex with a woman that they have an emotional connection with ... just like women. I hope that it is true, but I really don't know if it's just a fantasy on my part. IF that is the case though, than after you have satisfied yourself with this ex-friend of your wife's (and don't be surprised when her FWB attitude morph's into wanting something more from you ... ), start thinking about what you really need, as opposed to the immediate gratification of what you think you want.
You do have a responsibility to yourself. You know it's your job as a dad to provide structure for your kids while they explore and grow. It's your job to do the same for yourself ... it makes your life fulfilling and shows your kids that we keep on growing until we die.
best wishes
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): Wow Baby Duck, I see you've been there and I'm sorry. Yup, I have become the doormat in denial. Your right on with self respect and money too. My issue is the fact that my wife will not have sex with me, but she has no problem going out for her own fun on the side. I do think its very questionable to be looking to this woman for sex because she was a friend of my wifes and was also put in the middle. However, she is willing and asked me. I feel safe and comfortable with her, and there is no pressure for more then some occaisional sex. At this point I feel there is little hope my wife and I could ever recover our marriage. My wife tries to hide her cheating but its obvious to me. Its over on my part now, I did all I am willing to do for this marriage. I think its best for me to tell her I plan to date because of the deteriated conditions between us, and she is also free to do whatever. Our children have never seen us fight over this matter. They know we are not happy with each other and have accepted that years ago. I have to wait this out a few years for financial security. Its just as much in my wife's interest to wait it out too. So maybe the best thing for her and I is to go with an open marriage. That would at least level the playing field.
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A
female
reader, baby duck +, writes (6 September 2008):
Would you be wrong? Yes.
If your goal is to sink to her level, than go for it.
If you have to stay married for the kids, than for crying out loud, do it ... and do it right. If you think the kids will never know, you are a fool. They may not be able to articulate it, but they probably already know about their mother ... don't they deserve one decent role model?
And financial obligations? So ... if money comes first ... before self respect and setting a good example for your children ... what does that make you?
I am far from perfect. I make mistakes everyday. In fact, looking back, I can see where I have been in complete denial about things to save my marriage. That said, I know that every choice I made had what was best for my husband and children first, and me ... not. I am not bragging, trust me. I did that so poorly, I became a doormat that lost respect for herself and contributed to the demise of my marriage. I was at one end of the spectrum and you are considering the opposite end. I have a challenge for you: shoot for the healthy range in the middle. Either divorce your wife so you can be a man of integrity or live according to the contract of your marriage.
best wishes ... create your peace
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A
female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (6 September 2008):
 I'm not sure if I'm the best person to answer since I have as of yet experienced the journey of marriage but...
Are you willing to put yourself to the same level as your wife?
This sounds to me like you're trying to just have revenge for what your wife has done to you, give her a taste of her own medicine. Who better to do this than her (ex) best friend? The person she used to confide and must now hate for having left her?
Sex as tasteless like that will not bring any good to you.
I think you should just try to build up your friendship with her. If you end up getting feelings for her and want to start a relationship, then I think you should directly tell your wife about it and that you will do it even if she's against it.
I understand you staying with your wife for financial reasons but bring the kids in the picture? Come on! They're in high school already and I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't like to live in an environment where they see their parents fighting, their mom cheating, and living in separate rooms. Staying for the kids will not be the best for them, you're just setting bad examples.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2008): This may sound blunt but, if I was in your position, I'd go for it. I know it's wrong but if your marriage is as bad as it sounds, then I think you deserve something better, especially if your wife has cheated on you in the past.
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