A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I fear I love my man too much. Currently, I'm living about a 2-hour commute away from him, in my parents' house, because I'm student teaching, and the school I teach at is close to my parents' house.I always look forward to weekends, because that's when we get to see each other. When it's my turn to visit him, I prepare in advance and leave straight from school on Friday, to visit him Friday night, and stay all weekend. However, when it's his turn to visit me, he always ends up calling on Friday, and giving me some excuse as to why he can't make it until Saturday. It makes me feel unwanted, and then I end up wallowing in depression. I've told him this before, and he always ends up feeling awful when I tell him how he's made me feel unwanted, but then he goes and does it again, every weekend.He still tells me he loves me, and gets upset if I don't say it back. I still love him, too, but it hurts when he constantly "puts me on the back burner." I'm trying to figure out: Would I be better off alone, despite the fact that we love each other?If I were alone, I wouldn't have to deal with being depressed every weekend, when he calls to tell me some lame excuse as to why he has to put it off until Saturday night. But then I'd also have to give up the only person I've ever loved who's loved me back almost just as much.
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female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (15 April 2008):
 If you are still with him, I think that maybe you should just skip a weekend or two. Makes other plans with some friends and have some fun instead of worrying about if he is going to show up or not and then having that ruin your weekend.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (4 February 2008):
 standing up for yourself is a good step to getting what you want out of life! Pursue whatever route makes you happy, good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionokay. first off, thanks to all who replied.
here's an update for anyone interested. i've talked to him about it yet again, explained that from my viewpoint, he's SUPPOSED to WANT to see me just as much as i want to see him. (he says he does, but he's on his feet all day friday, whereas i'm not, so he thinks it's justified.) i've additionally explained how it's a waste of his time, my time, and my parents' time and gas to spend so much time on travel, only to spend saturday night, and sunday afternoon together.
i mentioned how i actually look forward to seeing him as soon as i can, and that if he doesn't feel that way, maybe we just weren't meant to be. i said i don't want him to bother wasting his time if he's not gonna be able to make it 'til saturday night, 'cause that's not fair to my parents (who pick him up from the train station), or me. he says he'll come on friday 'cause he doesn't want to lose me.
that's where it stands. if he doesn't come this friday, i'm quitting.
thanks for your help and support, all! i'm strong now, and frankly i don't care if i have to break it off, anymore. i don't want to drag somebody along who's not as into me as i am into them, knowing that there could be somebody better fitted for me who's missing their opportunity (and who i'm missing out on).
your responses were ... uplifting?
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A
female
reader, akriti  +, writes (4 February 2008):
well... my bf does the same. he always have sumthing imp in his priority list n i cme the last there. but this is not hw it goes. I think u should tell him wht u feel if he understands, well n good. or else im sure there is sumone better out there for u.
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A
female
reader, Lily Moll +, writes (4 February 2008):
I agree with the other comments here, and I'd just like to add: Please don't settle for someone who loves you "almost just as much" as you love them! If you break up, you'll have the opportunity to find someone who will love JUST AS MUCH as you love them, and who will show it, and want to be with you whenever they can. If you stay with him, you'll never have the chance to try and know what that's like.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (4 February 2008):
If he truly loved you he would go the extra mile. My boyfriend has to travel 12 hours to get to me once a month, and I know that if he could do it right now, he would in a heart beat. Your man doesn't know how good he has it, being so close, and he's ungrateful by not taking advantage of the opportunities to see you. That coat excuse infuriates me. if he would love you he'd suck it up and "sacrifice" himself (or his coat) to be with the one he loves.
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A
female
reader, toughlove +, writes (3 February 2008):
I am in a similar situation. I recently broke off a relationship with a guy because I felt like I was doing more than he is. We would make plans but then some other stupid bs that leads nowhere has priority over what he knows he has to do for us to be together. I am so in love with him still, but know that for our relationship to have a chance to work, he has to do his 50%, and, honestly, both him and I know he would need to do less to be with someone else who is not as "far" from him socially and culturally as I am. Plus, if I accept his half-ass attempts and reject other guys' who are willing to do their part to be with someone like me, I am not being fair and I am being stupid. Am I getting ahead of things here? I don't know if I was right or wrong but I got mad at him implying this about it being easier with someone else and we stopped talking.
My analogy of my way of thinking with your situation is - it's his decisions you have to focus on more than yours. That makes it easier and harder on you. Do you think he genuinely loves you and is willing to go the distance to make the relationship work or do you feel like the long distance made him cool off? Does he demonstrate his love with things he does or is it all talk and a show?
Do your 50%, but give him a chance to do his 50%. Watch and see if he will do it and then you'll know if it will last. If he is hesitant, but comes through at the end, then he just has a different approach than you and it's all good. If he is talking the talk but not walking the walk, than let it go because you can do better than to be with someone who is not putting as much into the relationship as you are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's told me different excuses as to why he can't make it, each time. First it was that his ass hurt. Then he just forgot and didn't mention anything about it until Saturday. Now it's that his coat got wet in the rain, and he didn't want to put it back on, all wet. Seriously.Also, I'm not withholding my feelings. I've let him know each time, that it makes me sad. He expects it, too. He's like, "Please don't get mad at me but, can I come tomorrow, 'cause my coat got wet in the rain today." 'Course later he called and told me that he decided to buy some beer and drink all night with one of our other roommates. I wonder if he had to put his coat on to go buy the beer. ::rolls eyes::
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