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male
,
anonymous
writes: Hi all,I really love my girlfriend but I'm so scared of her leaving me I'm putting her offI thought we had a perfect relationship but one day I (shamefully) read her mobile inbox. I found some messages off a guy who I beleive is an old friend (but not an ex), they seemed to express the wish that they still spoke and seemed quite intimate, although not explicit or expressing the wish for a relationship. I wouldnt mind this, but they were sent at 1-2am on two successive nights, well later than she'd told me she was off to sleep. This scared me, but I never confronted her about it.Now I cant stop myself texting or ringing her all the time, and when we're together I sometimes break down about how scared I am of us splitting up. I think this is really putting her off.Please help me, I need to sort this out before I lose my darling
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female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (30 June 2006):
 I hope the benefit of my experience helps, though it may not be the same dynamics, it's up to you to know best as you are in the relationship..I was seeing a guy last year - attractive, but a bit of a flirt, and maybe a player,too, he lives the other end of the country and months would go by without me hearing from him, so it was'nt ever going to go anywhere. It was'nt in anyway serious, but he had a really great sense of fun and to this day he gets in touch to find out how I am getting on and to have a few flirty - sometimes suggestive jokes, just for laughs. He comes up my way occasionally on business and I might meet him for lunch, but I have made it clear that I am now seeing someone, so will not sleep with him, whatever luxury hotel he happens to be staying in! So I had known him for a couple of months when I met my current man - who is quieter, but a more suitable match for me. He is fun too, but much more 'for me', and I love him to bits! I won't try to hide the fact that I am getting the messages, might just show them to him if the subject comes up, but for now I keep in touch as I do any other friend and have nothing to hide. So that's it from the other perspective, I hope this is the case with your girl, but as I say, you know her better than I do! Hope this helps..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2006): Well I certainly wouldn't like it either, maybe you should arrange for you to all meet up sometime. You can see him and find out what he's all about, he may become your friend too. But don't lose your head over it, play it cool, bide your time. Yes it must feel like an emotional betrayal especially if she seems to have an intimate relationship with him..that'a what a relationship is all about.Play it cool, don't hound her and best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2006): This never works for anyone else that aren't confident about themselves, but for me, no matter how much I love my companion, I can only always do 'my part' in the relationship. 'Caging' her is a big no no for me. There is ALWAYS a risk of losing her, unless she's a crazy maniac love leech... [shivers]
People often find others better matched to themselves. Whether they pursue those desires is mainly up to them. If you can prove to her that you are a better match emotionally, spiritually, actively/reactively, and by interest, and all the other in-betweens or a combination of them then great.
Sometimes of course, you might need to be a big more assertive and confront them, but as much as your insecurities are massively spilling through here on DC, this may also be added on top of all the other negatives you're having in this relationship.
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