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female
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anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for a year now but I think the time may have come to end it. He is a wonderful boyfriend and would do anything for me, only problem is his past. He's slept with so many women, all one night stands, and I often have to see some of them around town and it kills me. I don't know whether people change, but I know he loves me and would never look at another woman again if it meant marrying me. But the past year has been so hard for me, trying to come to terms with his past and it just isn't going to happen. I feel as if sex is nothing to him, whereas it is important to me. Don't get me wrong, he's never done anything to make me feel that way, it's just me thinking I don't pleasure him like the other women did. I know this is all my problems and insecurities but I'm sick of people saying "it's in the past, get over it". If I have a problem with it, it's my right to do that and end it.I'm just scared I'll regret it in the future. I know there are very few nice men who would treat me this way and who I will ever trust this much. I'm only 19 but I'm scared these problems will keep coming up forever and I won't ever be happy with anyone! I've seen a counsellor but things in this area don't seem to have changed. Advice wanted on whether to end it or keep working. Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): Well I have had the same problem, and I know how you are feeling. Except what if you asked your man how many girls he has been with and he only said one, and then everyone else tells you that he has been with two other prostitutes? Then you have women saying that he has a big penis and things like that? Tell me what would you do... Your problem is mild compared to alot of other women like myself. I know I will never be happy at least you have a chance to be with someone truthful, and admits they have been around the block a time or two. If he can be honest with you than he does love you and he wants you to be able to trust him. Let me tell you if a man can be honest with a women about his passed then he must really love and care for her.
So think twice before you make a radical decision, you could loss the love of your life. Then too you have to think(well am I a saint)(have I had a past?) ask yourself these things before looking at his pasted, and the girls that you see that he has slept with, think in your mind that(well who is he with now?) just tell yourself that in your mind. Everyone has a past, but the past should not effect the future that you can have with someone. I know I need to preach the same things to myself sometimes.
Well I hope this was kind of able to help you out.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (31 August 2006):
 I could have written your post, other than a few minor differences. I too have been together with my girlfriend one year, and am struggling with the same thing. I'm 33 so I guess I can tell you it doesn't get any easier as you get older :( It hasn't helped that I've asked too many questions, and she's said a few things she shouldn't have that refuse to disappear from my head.
I too have been at the crossroads many time: stay or go? We are still together.
What I have realized is that my negative emotion is based on my own insecurity. I've realized that this is something to do with me, not her, and if I don't deal with it now then I'll only carry it forward. I picture my possible future... trying to find that virgin to marry. Some irony: I'm divorced, and I did marry a virgin. It was a disaster.
I guess what I'm saying is consider whether leaving him will really cure the pain. Look into yourself to find where the root cause is, you may find that it's not something that will be solved by leaving.
My girlfriend too struggles with what has gone on in her past, and some of its effects on what has happened between us. She suggested something that independently my therapist suggested (I've been going to therapy for this): namely some kind of ritualistic repentance and purification for us both. Some kind of scripted event for us to use as a cut-off. Something along the lines of Yom Kippur for instance. We are considering it, it might help. If it does happen then i'll no doubt write about it on this site.
Good luck. Know that you are not the only person who has struggled with this.
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male
reader, happylife +, writes (31 August 2006):
Hey girl,
I totally share your pain. My girlfriend is 27 and has been with 16 men before me. One of them was a one night stand and it just kills me to think about it. However, here are a few facts that are important to consider before you leave your man:
1. The people that will make the biggest difference in your life are not the ones with the best credentials or with the best reputation, but instead they are the ones who care the most about you. To leave your man who treats you really well for a virgin who will treat you like crap is definitely not a better deal.
2. Secondly, remember that the only reason that you know about your man’s sexual past is that he chose to tell you. Many men will lie about their past if telling the truth meant that he would lose you. I work with a guy who slept with over 17 women but told his wife that he had been with 3. They have been married for years and she may never know the truth. My ex sure lied about it and later on I found out that there were more. In fact, one of the surveys that I heard on the radio on this topic said that the one thing most men & women lie about the most is the number of partners they have had. So you actually need to recognize that you have yourself a very honest man. Also realize that the only difference between your man with a past that you don’t like and the one that you will leave him for could be a simple lie. You may end up leaving your man for another men who has been with more women than your current man has, but will tell you that he has only been with two. Unless you run into someone who knows about his secret past, you’ll never know weather or not the number and the story your men tells you about his past is true.
3. So Think about this: How do you begin a search for someone who is a virgin or slept with just a few women when there is no way for you to ever verify that information. Had your current men told you that he had been with only one girl prior to being with you, would you have known the difference? Here is a great exercise you. I want you to think of all of the men that you know right now. Now let’s think about the ones that have only slept with one or two girls and the virgin ones. Can you name them? If so, can you verify that this is true or are you just going by their word? Chances are, you may not know for sure that any of the men you know are truly as innocent as they may claim to be. After all, it wasn't until you dated your man (who looked so innocent at first) that you found out that he had been promiscuous in the past.
ASK YOURSELF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:
3.1 How then do you leave a man with all these great qualities that loves you and treats you just the way you like it, to search for another man with a quality that you can't even verify? Also
3.2 Even if you were to find someone who convinces you that he is a virgin, will he treat you better? Will he love and honor you the way your present man does? Remember, a virgin man that saved himself for you who treats you like crap is not a better deal.
4. The next thing you need to consider is what constitutes a deal when it comes to meeting that special person. Well I have your answer. It doesn't matter who you meet, weather he is a 10 in looks and is a virgin and treats you like a queen, or he is a fat smoker who has been with 500 women; at the end of the day being with him needs to make you feel as though you have won a trophy. If you feel this way about your current men then he is the one. The reason you are upset about your man’s past is that at this point, the total package is not looking like a trophy after you look at how many women he has been with. However, perhaps given enough time, you will begin to recognize great qualities about your man that will make you feel that being with him is to have a trophy despite the number of women he has been with and all the dirty stuff he did in the past.
5. There are many qualities that we expect to find in a spouse. Let me just list a few that are important to me:
5.1. Great personality
5.2. Christian
5.3. Puts me first and gives me undivided attention
5.4. Responsible with money, dept, and credit (must have great credit---I do and I would hate for some woman to ruin mine)
5.5. Must look good and love herself which means eat well, diet and exercise (I'm fit and muscular and I love me a fit and elegant woman)
5.6. Non-Smoker and Non-Drinker ( I don't do either)
5.7. No children ( I don't have any either)
5.8. Non slutty (no promiscuous past)
5.9. Her family should like me and I should like them two. The same applies to my family and her.
6.0. We should both enjoy each other's company.
Ok, if there is a woman on earth that will meet all the qualities above I'll marry her right now. However, I have to say that there is no way on earth that I can realistically expect to find someone with all these qualities I described above. This is not the perfect world. Therefore, I have to decide what qualities are more important to me and which qualities I can sacrifice and live with. So now here is the same list as above but this time in order of priority:
5.2. Christian
5.3. Puts me first and gives me undivided attention
5.6. Non-Smoker and Non-Drinker ( I don't do either)
5.1. Great personality
5.4. Responsible with money, dept, and credit (must have great credit---I do and I would hate for some woman to ruin mine)
5.7. No children ( I don't have any either)
5.5. Must look good and love herself which means eat well, diet and exercise (I'm fit and muscular and I love me a fit and elegant woman)
5.9. Her family should like me and I should like them two. The same applies to my family and her.
6.0. We should both enjoy each other's company.
5.8. Non slutty (no promiscuous past)
Now, all these qualities are very important to me. However, the top six above (5.2, 5.3, 5.6, 5.1, 5.4, 5.7) are the qualities that I am not willing to negotiate on. As for the remaining qualities, life is just not perfect enough for me to be that picky. In my eyes finding someone who has all of my non-negotiable qualities is a deal. My girlfriend meets all of my non-negotiable qualities and all of the other ones too except number 5.8. I tell you, a virgin girl who lacks two or more of the qualities above is not a better deal to me. So in my case, my girl is a trophy!!!
Only you know what qualities are important to you. Be sure to take the time to figure them out. Write down a list of your ten most important qualities in a man and see where promiscuity ranks. In the end, write down the few qualities that you are not willing to negotiate. See how your man ranks on your list. Allow sometime, perhaps six months to a year and decide which qualities constitute a trophy to you. You may choose to walk away from him or you may realize that you have a trophy in your hands.
One last thing, I've told my girlfriend multiple times how I feel about the number of guys she has been with. If she is going to be my lifetime partner, I should be able to talk to her about everything right? Well, that is part of the reason I've been able to look past it. Couples should be able to tell each other about their feelings, no matter how painful they may be. In this case, it is a stepping stone towards helping you get over his past.
As far as whether or not you should leave him, I would say wait a little longer. If you leave now you will always wonder if you made a mistake. However, in another year you will have given yourself enough time to know what qualities are more important to you.
Ask me as many questions as you would like, I have so much to share on this topic and so understand exactly how we all feel about a promiscuous past. Before you leave, scroll up and read point number one again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2006): Hun, there isn't any individual reading your posting here, that doesn't have stuff/ baggage/ bad choices..they'd rather keep in the past and not say anything. Here's my opinion. You needed to know 'his past' right off the start. I give your bf credit for not keeping it a secret. But when you say "you often have to see some of his past sexual partners around town and it kills you" it obvious he told you who they were, what he did with them, and he gave too many hurtful, uncaring unecessary details! That was cruel and destructive. By allowing this, to happen, he helped to create insecurities and fears in you. Why do you have these insecurities? Because you are human like the rest of us. And so you are right, hun. Unless you can magically forget, all this will haunt you for a long time to come. And that will always be counterproductive to a healthy intimacy in your relationship with this guy. Everyone has differing expectations,values, limitations and boundries in what they require in a relationship. His sexual past just happens to be your limitation of what you are willing to tolerate. Perhaps he should've taken the time to find this out about you, before he told you all the details. I hope people who live a promiscuous lifestyle can learn from letters like yours. The past will come back and bite them hard, in one's future. If you can't live with this, make the choice to make a clean break now. And allow no one to judge you on what your decisions are. If you aren't able to get through this after one year-you gave it your best shot. Better now than 10 years down the road after you both are married with kids and your options are lower. You are a free thinking woman who will pick and choose the partner that is best for your future. Dear, it's time to move on, use your head and choose wisely, next time..there are a lot of guys out there trhat do share your values and ideals. You just have to find him. And someday you will. Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2006): Sex and intimacy means very different things to different people and most people don't seem to understand that.People who say "get over it, it's in the past" just don't share the same views as you, or they have taken the same lame advice in their owns lives and have "accepted" their partners past as something normal and acceptable; they've settled for second-best; as it were.I would say you are entirely normal for having the feelings you do and I don't think it's necessarily because you are insecure or have problems.I think it is a very sad situation when one partner has shown sexual restraint in their pasts in the hope of meeting Mr or Mrs right, only to get together with someone who clearly hasn't - and then to be expected to just accept it.Your perfect partner has to meet all the qualities you are looking for in someone. If a better cleaner sexual past is one of those qualities then don't accept second best - you deserve more than that.Last, there are plenty of guys out there that will treat you well but who also have a sexual background more like your own. Just be sure to get to know them and their backgrounds before getting in to a relationship with them. And no, I don't think you will regret it if you break up. In fact, I think it will be a relief when you do finally meet someone without such a disturbing past.Good luck.
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female
reader, Rachx +, writes (30 August 2006):
Ive been with my boyf for 3 years and if I bumped into someone in town I knew he slept with Id feel a bit insecure but the thing is everybody has a past and whos to say the next guy you meet doesnt have a similar past? You seem to be in love with this guy and he with you, you admit you fully trust him so why give all that up? The issue lies with you its something you have to learn to accept. If he thought you where less satisfying in bed than his past dont you think he'd be with one of them not you! Like you said they where mostly one night stands - with you he stuck around cos you where the one, cant you see that he must think your much more special than anyone from his past. chin up girl, appreciate the loving guy you have dont throw it away because of an insecurity that in time you will hopefully realise is not even relevant. Before I met my boyf Id had a lot of sexual experience but I in no way compare him to any of them - they are just my past and not even something I think about, if I bump into someone I once slept with I dont think 'oh Ive slept with him, he was great oh and still looking good', Its just not like that hun. Hope you make the right decision x
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