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female
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anonymous
writes:Hello – I am having a hard time with my husband not wanting to have a baby with me. At first, I didn’t want kids (I’ve never wanted kids before the past 1+ years that I’ve had these feelings), but after being with my husband my feelings have taken a complete 180. I’ve looked up what having a baby involves (finances, medical visits, other preparation) and then looking at things online that I think are cute for a baby to have like toys, clothes and stuff. I find myself even looking at adoption sites and thinking ‘Jake’ would make a perfect dad, we could have such a great child even if he/she wasn’t our own. The other sad thing is that I’ve even started a separate account for the baby we’ll probably never have. It has more in it than we have in our own savings.I get so emotionally worked up over me wanting to have a baby and my husband not wanting to, but I usually keep it to myself. I’ve lashed out at my husband without meaning to because of this, too. I guess it’s from my feelings being hidden for such a long time that I just explode. But the stupid thing is, it’s never about a baby – it’s something completely different like if my husband didn’t give our animals fresh water then I’d start yelling at him and ask what’s wrong with him and that he doesn’t think about them, blah blah blah. It’s like I turn into such an idiotic bitch and I can’t help it. My mother-in-law sees how well I take care of our animals and says it’s like they’re our children and says that it’s preparing me to be a good mom – with learning responsibilities that go along with what kids can get into, etc. Both of us know Jake’s stance on the whole having a baby situation, though. She hopes that I can change his mind. (BTW - I know how stupid it must sound to compare dogs to babies, but I feel like this is as close as I'm ever going to get and I've been told that it's similar - although babies are much more responsiblity obviously.)I know that some of you are probably thinking, “tell him about how you feel.” Well, I have done that several times in the past, and his answer is always that he doesn’t want to have kids – ever. On occasion, he’s told me that he will probably want to have them in maybe 5 years (we’re both in our mid-20’s now) when he’s settled down. (He doesn’t go out too often, we own a house in a nice neighborhood, have good-paying steady jobs, financially stable...) but then later tells me he just said that because he didn’t want to see me so sad. This upsets me even more and I go into an emotional slump for several days.The other thing about this that really makes me feel depressed is that he seems to be really excited that his brother and his fiancé are having a baby. When he found out over the phone, he did this stupid 2 second long dance and turned to me and was all smiley and said “Beth is having a BABY!!!” This completely overwhelmed me and made me extremely depressed for about a week until I learned how to control my emotions (although they do get the best of me from time to time). It was awful – I kept crying at home and even at my office (which was somewhat humiliating when someone walked in on me). I know that he’s happy that he’s going to be an uncle (and not a father since it’s so much work), but it still hurt to see him all excited and happy. In all honesty I’m also a bit jealous that he’s happy for them which is making it harder to deal with. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m also happy for them – I think they’ll be very loving parents.)So I guess the point in me writing this book-long question (sorry) is that I’m wondering how to get over this feeling of wanting to have more to our family or if it’s even possible to stop my feelings. Will this go away? I feel like it won’t, and really I don’t want it to.* I just don’t know what to do with myself, mostly because I don’t want to split from Jake over something like this. He’s perfect in every other way.Thanks for listening and giving any advice.*Or there's the nasty flip-side of asking for advice of how to convince him why he should want a baby (heh heh).
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Suorpio - you made some good points. Your response actaully made me feel a bit better. I hope he is still this enthusiastic when the little boy is around - I have a feeling he will be, but I'm not keeping my hopes up (I just don't want to have them shot down again).
That's a really good idea - to make a timeline. I guess I'll see where it goes from there and try to chat about it every once in a while with him.
Thanks again. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2006): There's a case to be made for hope in this situation, particularly because you'll be able to guage your husband's interest in kids through your new nephew. Many men feel like having a kid strips them of their independence (it does, by the way) and simply aren't ready to give it up yet. You should watch how he continues to relate to the new kid in the family, because what you describe is a really enthusiastic response. He may have mixed feelings about having a baby himself, but he is at least pretty good about other people's kids. REALLY good even.
The downside to this is that you shouldn't throw your goals away waiting for him to come around. If he can only ever get enthused about being an uncle, you need to either adjust your own goals or get them met elsewhere. Plot out a timeline for yourself. How long are you WILLING to wait to have kids? What does he want to get done before he has a kid? Make a deadline for yourself and review it every now and then. If you finally forecast that he won't change his mind before then, you either need to move on or shelve it indefinitely. You may hope his ideas change, but maybe yours will, too. You just never know.
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