A
female
age
41-50,
*eelingLost
writes:13 years ago, I met the love of my life and I have never fallen out of love with him. I got married and had a child and just this year, my one true love, whom I have seen in passing throughout the years, reentered my life. We met for lunch and we talked about how we both have loved eachother all this time, and we are unsure why we broke up in the 1st place. We decided that it was because we were at 2 different universities and they were far away. We needed to explore our options, we did, and we ended up marrying other people. Here we are having lunch and we are talking about how much we have missed one another. We both talked about how we each tried to track eachother down over the years,but to no avail. I told him that I was nervous about having an affair, but I was not going to run from him-I wanted it-he's all I ever wanted. He told me that he was not scared of getting caught-he said "maybe it is my way out of my marriage." (meaning his marriage) Our affair began and I have left my husband. I did not leave him because of the affair, I have been planning my get away for quite sometime now. I have never been happier! I don't miss him because I have known all along that I did not love him. What I wake up wondering everyday is if the love of my life will ever leave the wife that he says he does not love? He talks about how miserable he is, but he is still in this marriage. He says that all of this will require a lot of patience on both of us. I just don't know if I am hanging onto false hope or not. I believe in my heart that he is my soul mate. Do relationships like this ever work out for anybody?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): I am in the same situation, my true love wont leave her husband because of her kids. It is killing me I tell her goodbye and she always finds a way o call and real me back in.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): I left him alone about 2 weeks after this first post. He is not a man but a "player". He is cheating on his wife with many women. It is amazing how he can still call to this day and not one inch of me gets excited to hear his voice. I used to jump at the sight of his name on the caller id-now I cringe and hardly pick up the phone. If I do pick it up, it is to tell him how I have moved on and how he should too. I have moved on and I am VERY HAPPY!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): chances are he does not want to hurt a good woman, the mother of his children and someone who has been there for him. even if he does not love her in a romantic sense he still cannot hurt her. it shows he is compassionate. this is a sad situation becasue i do believe he loves you. if you truly love him, then urge him to fix his marriage if he can. maybe he can still re kindle what he had with her. you couldn't do that in your own marriage, but maybe he still can. this is not the best answer for you, but if you love him this will make sense. you are a temptation keeping him from making his marriage work, kindly remove yourself from his life.
when you are gone, that is when he will then realize he needs to make a choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): My answer is good news bad news based on what happened to my best friend. She had an affair with a married man for 8 years. He did finally divorce his wife, so there is hope for you. The bad news is: After he was free, she decided she didn't want to marry him! I'm sure that won't happen to you, so hold your head up! All men are not dogs! And remember that they have a different way of communicating. These kinds of matters are hard for them to discuss. My friend's lover was never specific about his plans for divorce other than saying he was going to do it eventually. And he did! I think men aren't specific with us because we women tend to jump in with too much advice. If you two are truly soulmates, he will eventually leave her to be with you. And think of it this way: Would you want the kind of man who would break up his family at the drop of a hat? No, I think you'd want someone more sensitive than that. Stop worrying. If it's meant to be, it will be. The way you reconnected after so many years tells me it will be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): ermmmmm.......... if he didnt love his wife and was sure of that he couldn't sit there every night knowing there's a chance you might get fed up and leave him to it so there must still be something for his wife in which case let the guy try save his marriage...... as hard as it may be. I did the same thing it hurt like hell but I came out stronger with pride in myself and am now in a happy straight forward relationship and feel on top of the world not going out of control XXX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): At age 19 I became pregnant and married the father of my child. We had only been dating for 7 months but we stuck it out and eventually got married and had 2 other children. All this time, in my soul I know that I have not really been happy. But I pretrend and act as if we are a great family. 3 years into my marriage I met the man that I think is my soul mate. He to is married and has 2 children. We have seen each other on and off through the years and have kept in touch. He says he can't leave his wife because of his children. I want to be with him. He says he loves me, but I don't know if this will ever work. How do we woman get ourselves into these situations? Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2007): I am a married guy with a lover. It's the failure thing, guys do not want to think that they are failures! Logic and stuff tells us we are not happy in our marriage but admitting to ourselves we are failures, can't easily do that. I'm not having sex with my wife, hoping this will break it and i can get free.
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A
female
reader, RUSTUPID +, writes (23 July 2007):
Now that you are single you and happy enjoy that. Live your life dont sit around pondering on if he will leave his wife.. I have known plenty of women waste years "waiting for him to leave his wife." LIFE IS TOO SHORT to be wating around for a man! Mean while he is still with his wife and you may be missing out on the REAL LOVE of your life. You gotta think... it wasnt hard for you to leave your husband why is it so hard for him to leave his wife?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): You have been strong and got out of your marriage for good reasons - it was not right anyway with or without the 'carrot' of this other man. Good advice from the other post - set a time limit and give this guy an ultimatum otherwise your life will drift by. Tell him that you love him but you are not prepared to live like this and that you do not want to continue for much longer in this way. I urge you to stick to your plan - start a cooling off period, maybe miss the odd call or text and show him you mean what you say. At the moment he is being gutless and to be honest at worst he is using you as the third leg of the three legged stool that is needed to keep his marriage propped up. It may not have occured to you but by sticking with him you are keeping his marriage going. To tell you to be patient is not acceptable - you should not be expected to waste your life like this like the "lady in waiting". Perhaps start to build a mixed group social life that involves friendships with other men - and make sure he knows about it. You are not being disloyal but you are securing your own identity and esteem and ensuring you are less vulnerable during this time - you have no ties do not let him bind you down. Men that drag out affairs get away with it because they 'control' the situation to suit themselves. You risk losing confidence and much more if you let this continue for too long.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): I don't think you have a true grasp on reality and are caught up in the romance and drama of it all....your so called soul mate is now unavailable to you, he is a cheater, and so are you....relationships that begin in infidelity have a less than 1% chance of surviving one year after you all make a break from spouses, studies have shown this to be the case.
Your feelings are more that of longing and unrequited love than they are based on a true solid foundation, or real love....I think you can chalk this up as an experience in fun, and the resolution of what if I had been with my first love? Now you know, the fantasy did not live up to the reality.....the only reason you are happy is that you don't have any real responsibilities and life with this fellow, it is all about sex and romance and not about the everyday life that we live with a true partner.
I think you have made a grave mistake, and hope that you will come to your senses, pull your head out of the clouds, and see that this guy is using you, you are a direct threat to his marriage and to the woman he stood up in front of God and everyone else and promised to cherish until death do us part, and he nor you took those vows to heart....let him go, and don't cheat with another woman's husband again, and hopefully you will have figured out a thing or two about yourself and relationship.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 I see you are in full control of your situation. Yes, the big question is whether he will leave his marriage or not. His words suggest he is looking for a good reason to leave. Which would suggest he might just find it easier to stay where he is. Your doubts are more than justified.
You had an easy time leaving your marriage because it was ended anyways -or maybe it never really got started. You took a bold step, as you say, not for him, but because of your own reasons. This is fine. He may not be in the same situation as you; maybe he did love his wife, and has fallen out of love only recently. But, as you know, there are always circumstances in life that make it difficult to leave a spouse. This is what he means when he asks you for patience.
To answer your question, these relationships sometimes do work. But you have to work hard and be very patient.
I have the hunch that you're sort of reviewing your past life and wish true love, a life that's more fully your own, like a second chance. Maybe you wonder what would have been of your life if you had stayed with him, who you really loved. If I'm right in this speculation, this is your chance to know, and your chance to that second opportunity. If I were you, I would roll up my sleeves and start the work. Maybe you won't be with him, but you'll have tried. "'Tis better to have loved and lost..."
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): I hate to say it but it's not looking too good for you. If I was in your position I would give him a time limit, and tell him, about 6 months maybe. Then he has time to sort himself out and make any necessary arangements. If, after this time he shows no signs of leaving then I think you should walk away. It'll be very hard if it comes to this and you'll need to be very strong. Good luck my friend and I hope it all works out for you. Take care.
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