A
female
age
36-40,
*uddenlyConfusedAgain
writes:Hello, I should have done this a long time ago, but today is really weird for me. As my username shows, I am suddenly confused.Its a long story so I'll try to keep it short.(I failed!!) I was with a guy for two and a half years, I was 17 when we met, 19 when we got engaged and 20 when he dumped me. I gave up everything for him, he wasn't a good guy, he spoke to me so badly, he did drugs and was all wrong for me. But love is blind, and to be totally honest he was a really great guy when times were good. And he made me happy, I used to be so shy and withdrawn before but he changed me. I loved him. Obsessively.I wasn't ready for us to be over, I went crazy when it ended, did all the wrong things, rang and text him all the time begging him to come back, we continued sleeping together sometimes even though I knew he was sleeping with other girls. It took one full year for the crying to stop. I was hurting so much. We got back together briefly but he ended up being violent and he had changed so much, I'm quite a sensitive person so I managed to be strong and be the one to walk away. But it still hurt so much because I missed the guy I knew when we were 17.That was 5 years ago, now I'm 22 and I know I'm over him, and I've met a new guy who is the total opposite of my ex, and he makes me so so happy. I love him truly, but I feel so so guilty if my ex pops into my head. Me and my new man went away for a few days, (I'm only home today) and last night in the hotel I had a very vivid dream of receiving an email of my ex, in the dream he wanted to get back with me, and I just kept reading the email over and over. I almost knew it off by heart when I woke. I suddenly got this rush of sadness and felt bad when my boyfriend said Good morning and he loves me. I hate when I randomly have dreams about my ex, it really throws my mood off. Words cannot explain the hurt I felt when we ended, I tried writing a piece before about it (I'll see if I can copy and paste)"Nobody said it was easy. Coldplay. Great song, I love it. Nobody said it would be so hard either though. Nobody told me he’d laugh in my face. Nobody told me he’d walk away. Nobody told me that after he tore out my heart, ripped it apart and stamped on it that I’d still be struggling to hold back the tears nearly two years later....I want a medal, I want to be on the front page of every newspaper, I want to scream it out to the whole world about every single damn second that I was in turmoil. I want to go back and catch every single tear that I cried and bottle them. I then want to smash those bottles and scream some more. Because the hurt is still there.Most people go through break ups throughout their life. But this was me and him. And he left me. What did I do? What was wrong with me? They don’t teach you how to cope with this in school. I couldn’t listen to music or watch TV. Food and sleep were my only friends. I had dropped everything for him, I gave him everything. And no one around me laughed in my face when he left me... except him. That just made it worse. Anger. A lot of anger built up. I didn’t know where to put it. I couldn’t put it in a box, or on a shelf. It was inside. I had to lug it around day after day, week after week, month after month. The crying didn’t stop until the second year. I swear I cried everyday for one full year. Every single day. It wouldn’t go away. I was scared. Scared, angry, hurt, confused. Time will heal it, they said. But I couldn’t fast forward. I had to wake up every day to that empty feeling in my stomach. And it wasn’t hunger. It was pain. I went on trips, I went to Killarney and as were leaving I tried to leave him there. Mentally I tried to leave him in Killarney. But it didn’t work. So as I looked out the window in the plane coming home from Mallorca, I tried to leave him there too. “Please don’t follow me home, stay here”. I wanted to move on but I couldn’t. He became a black spirit, he followed me everywhere I went. Nowhere was safe. Every corner brought a thousand memories. I had no escape, except for when I reached the end of another bottle. I was very dependent on drink to get me through that time. I was so weak. I lost myself. I found myself in situations that were a million times away from the person I was. Nothing made sense. I rang him, I begged him could we just talk. Because I knew the pain would go away if he was just there. Next to me where he belonged. It didn’t matter to me that there were fights, because that’s just what couples did and I could deal with them. Or so I thought. It was easier to hide behind another argument than face the tears caused by the rejection and misery of him leaving me. He was my bubble, because we had our own little world that no one else understood. And I really missed him. I really really missed him. I missed talking to him, I missed playing cards with him , I missed sharing with him, and telling him my news. I missed cuddling him and kissing him and telling him how much I loved him. I missed hearing him say it back to me. I missed watching films with him, especially the scary ones that he had to protect me against. I missed his clothes. The jumpers that I had wrapped myself up in when I was cold, and they always had his scent that i loved breathing in. I missed watching him play his stupid video games that he loved so much and I loved cuddling him while he played. I missed spending every spare second with him. I didn’t know what to do with my free time when he left. I just didn’t know what to do."I'm all over the place writing this, I know break ups are hard for everyone, I just want to explain how much he hurt me, I'd never want him back... I guess what my question is Will He Ever Go Away? Its not that it still hurts, but at the same time I suppose it kind of does. Is it because he was my first love and it was so intense? And is it wrong that I have a new boyfriend?Sorry this is so long, and I appreciate any answers, if anyone gets to the end of this!! Thank you x
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drugs, engaged, got back together, kissing, move on, my ex, shy, text, video games, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, SuddenlyConfusedAgain +, writes (7 December 2009):
SuddenlyConfusedAgain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey again... ever since that day after the dream, i haven't been myself.
I don't know whats wrong with me.... yes the dream triggered off this sudden feeling of despair but I know its not because of my ex.
I'm too young to feel the way the way I do, its not the first time. I know from what I've read that i have the symptoms of depression. But I don't want it to be.
I'm crying randomly, and feel insecure about my looks. My poor boyfriend doesn't know what else he can say to try help, and I'm scared my mood swings will drive him away. Its like I've suddenly entered a very dark place and I can't get out.
Anyone who can help?
A
female
reader, SuddenlyConfusedAgain +, writes (26 November 2009):
SuddenlyConfusedAgain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for replying... and you're right my new bf is a keeper!! I felt better the second I posted my question, its really hard for me because I can't talk to my friends anymore about it, they always hated him and are sick of hearing about him. So thanks, I really appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, shining_brighteyess  +, writes (26 November 2009):
The simple answer: yes, you will be able to.
If you ALLOW yourself to move on, you WILL move on, with time. What you are doing now is NOT allowing yourself to move on, it's no wonder that you haven't been able to get him out of your head.
This ex doesn't seem to be good to you. He does drugs, talks badly to you, is violent, etc. That's just not good, any person who does that is shady. And any person who is violent with you does not deserve a second of your time.
A man who TRULY loves you would never be violent with you, or talk badly to you. A man who truly loves you would respect you, never want anything to hurt you. That's the truth.
It seems like this new boyfriend of yours is a great man- you should cherish him.
In the meantime, remove things around you that remind you of your ex. Don't listen to songs that remind you of him. Stay busy- take up a new hobby. Go on trips, alone, with friends, or with your boyfriend. You need to ENGAGE yourself in society so you can forget about this ex. YOU are responsible for your own happiness....no one else is. You can make the choice to be misreable without this man, or you can make the choice to be happy, look to the future and say "forget him". Of course, it will take time, but if you give yourself everything you need to move on, you will move on.
Make a list of all of the bad things your ex does, too. It wll remind you of why you don't need him in your life.
Good luck to you, and I hope you stay with your new bf. He sounds like a keeper.
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