A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my ex had an awesome relationship although we moved into it too fast, im 18 he just turned 23. We dated for 3 months and were together everyday and i slept at his house almost every night he would come over and hang out with my parents and he loved them. Things were so good. About two months into it i started picking fights with him out of insecurity although i feel they were justified, we started fighting almost once a week but on the other days we were SO happy it felt like we had been together forever.Everytime we would fight things would get REALLY heated we both drink alot and we'd both say alot of mean things. He called me a mooch almost everytime we fought because i am jobless and my parents pay for all my bills but dont give me spending money.Anyways saturday night he went to sleep and i went through his phone (stupid i know) and he texted his ex and they were planning on meeting up the following mon. or tues. I immediately freaked out woke him up bitching about it His temper is really bad so he blew up and we got into a HUGE fight and i slapped him twice and he pushed me around. He made me leave and said it was over, i call him he tells me to grow up and that its not gonna work but he still loves me. I get a text the next morning saying i have issues i need to work out with myself and until i do we should take time apart, i call him to see if we can meet up he said no and that he's still furious but will call some other time. I leave him alone and he calls 3 days later saying that its not a good idea to stay together, i ask him to give me a second chance like 3 times he said he already did before and doesn't want to get back together. I explained in a calm manner that i was really trying to change and that eveything he said was true. He said we could maybe get back together at a later date but not right now, I asked him to be honest and if he thought he would ever get back with me and he said no i dont think so and i asked what the main reason for the break up was and he said because i slapped him again and we fought too much.So then i accepted this and in a friendly tone i told him i was sorry things had to end like this, i know i was a bitch most of the time but i dont want you to think of me like that, I think your an awesome guy and hope we can be friends in the future. He said no hard feeling i have a lot of respect for you and care alot about you, i told him maybe we would see eachother around he said yeah and we got off the phone. All in all the end of that convo was in a tone that sounded like we were best friends. then i texted him later and said ill accept this breakup under one condition and thats that you let me say good bye to elvis before you sell him (his cat had kittens elvis was my favorite) he said "fa sho" which was what i used to say all the timeMy dilemma here is that i still love him and want to be with him, i kind of think he might be starting something up with his ex again but im not sure. I still have his house key and he has something of mine that i need back but when should i ask him? Also there is a big mutual friends party saturday night in his neighborhood that we have both been planning to attend, should i still go to that?Is it over for good? Is there any way i could get a job and let him see im independent and maybe he will come back to me in the next couple of months? Please dont say hes an ex for a reason or anything like that, i have been in physical pain since our convo last night and just need advice on the questions ive asked.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (19 August 2010):
 I understand that you are very upset about the breakup, but the fact is you DO have issues - and so does he: his bad temper- AND yours; the fact that you both drink a lot (not a good idea unless you want to risk liver damage later in life - I'm not against drinking, I enjoy a drink as much as anyone, but its not healthy to drink a lot).
That you don't have a job is bound to make you anxious and insecure - by the way, what are you doing to find one? Even if its only (for now) flipping hamburgers at McDonalds would bring in at least a little money.....
Its good that he got on well with your parents, but as you said, practically living together so soon, is way too fast. It takes time (a lot) to really get to know another person and see how compatible you both are. In three months you're really just at the start of that process.
Not only that, but you say that the FIRST month was good, then things began to "go south"
Checking his phone and then waking him up to complain about the fact that he is planning to meet his ex was a VERY bad idea. I know it was because of your insecurity, but in a sense you brought the bad outcome on yourself - which means, you DO need to work on your self-esteem.
How do you do that? By taking care of your health; getting proper amounts of sleep; eating sensibly and yes, cutting back on the booze (and if cutting back is not do-able for you, maybe you should stop drinking completely).
Put as much effort as you can into finding work: ask friends/neighbors if they know of any openings; read the wanted ads and apply for any you think you might be qualified for (check online for job openings as well). Do some volunteer work for a charity organization - at a vet's office if you like cats; or the Red Cross or one that helps homeless people get back on their feet......
Taking care of your health; volunteering will definitely give you more self-confidence and thus lead to not feeling so insecure, AND volunteer work will at least give you something to put on your resume and might lead to a permanent job......
Now: back to your ex boyfriend. He thought about when he had calmed down after your last fight and decided its not gonna work between you......you asked why and he told you (consider yourself lucky: some guys dump their gfs without any explanation). You asked for another chance; he said he's already given you chances, and told you you need to work on your issues. He's right, and it would be good if you pay attention to that advice.
I realize you told him you're trying to change, but it won't happen in a few days! At this point, sorry to say, you have really no choice but to think of him as your EX-boyfriend - I know you don't WANT to, but that's what he is, unfortunately. You don't have to like it, but he has the right to end it, and he has.
Look: think of this as an opportunity (not a welcome one, I know) to do some serious work on your problems. PERHAPS three, four, six months down the road, he will see you've changed and want to get back together - but if he hasn't changed either, you might be surprised to find you've "outgrown" him, remote as that possibility seems now.
As for the party: if you do go, try to be very casual. Say "Hi" and then move on and mix with other friends. Don't even try to engage him in conversation. Think you can do that? If you can, then go and enjoy the party.
But if you can't, then pass up the party.......
All the best, hope this helps.
A
female
reader, zebralove  +, writes (19 August 2010):
 No he wont. Its better for you and for him. You need to spend time with your friends and you have alot of self learning to do. You will find someone els when your truly ready for it.
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