A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i have been married for 12 years have two great girls. my problem is that my wife wants to separate. this is the third time she has done this. the first time happened 5 yrs ago when she wanted to separate and was being hostile, angry and blaming me for everything. she left the house packed up her belongings and we wrote up a separation agreement. shortly after she left within one day she phones me in tears totally devastated wanting to work on the relationship, long story short i took her back within 2 months. things for a while got better but what occurred back in 2006 in regards to a trust issue was always at the back of my mind that she would do that again. sure enough 5 years later exactly the same. we are revisiting history. this time our girls are older 10 and 8 respectively and they do not want to be uprooted they are crushed. she is back to her blame game accusing me of ruining her life and it is my fault that she is leaving, tells me she does not love me anymore as wife should love a husband and just loves me as a friend but still continues to name call me and blame me for everything.my girls are confused and hurt and her explanations to them are petty and they know that lack of communication is not grounds for separation. her explanation to the girls are that mommy and daddy just don't get along and this is the best thing to do. i personally do not want any part in her explanation, i explained to my girls that it is always best to work at things and not to runaway unless your in a situation that puts you in harm's way. both my girls understand that this is mommy's choice not mine. my question is what should i do in order to help my girls and also for me to get better. i know it takes two to tangle in a relationship and from my perspective i have not ignored what i have done also. i am not perfect and i have admitted my faults and i know what i have to improve on and i also know that i will fall again but as long i realize and try to improve. but according to my wife it is too late. it angers me to see my kids getting hurt and to see how she explains that they will get over it and they will be fine. i feel she is a runaway train with no brakes and does not realize the damage she will cause.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): if during the first time she left you she was being hostile and blaming you for everything, and this is happening again, why do you want her to stay? you've been trying to keep the marriage together but she still blames you for ruining her life. so why is it a 'problem' that she now wants to separate? "it angers me to see my kids getting hurt and to see how she explains that they will get over it and they will be fine. i feel she is a runaway train with no brakes and does not realize the damage she will cause. "OK, so what exactly are you blaming your wife for here? you're blaming her for causing your kids to get hurt from the separation? Well as you say it takes two to tango, so you're also to blame for the separation. maybe you're not to blame as much, if you were putting more effort into the relationship, but still if your wife is unhappy with you she has her reasons whether you like it or not or agree with it or not. it takes two to have a relationship, so the hurt your kids feel from the relationship ending, is not entirely the fault of one person. and also, you're blaming her for the separation but maybe she could just as easily blame you for wanting to persist in keeping an unhealthy marriage together that can negatively impact your kids. what I don't understand is that you're blaming her for explaining to the kids that they will be fine and get over it? look, truth is that kids can be resilient if the parents help them to be and support them and model good behavior and attitudes for them. Often it's the adults who can't handle change and deal with their baggage and then this is what affects the kids and gives them baggage of their own. ..so yes, it's very possible that your kids will in fact be fine and will get over it. What's your problem with this? But it definitely won't happen if you sabotage the process by being noncooperative to your wife's efforts to make things as smooth for them as possible. and you think that if your wife were to call off the separation, that then there's no problem (that could hurt the kids) to speak of? you say you feel your wife is a runaway train not knowing or caring what damage she will cause. I presume you mean by separating from you. Here you seem to be assuming that separating is the thing that will cause damage to the kids. Actually, an unhealthy marriage relationship between parents causes a lot of damage to kids. Some times separating is better for the kids than to continue living a fake forced family life. It's a superficial and mistaken assumption that as long as you stay together under the same roof that things will be OK (as far as your kids) and that if you separate into two households now everything is damaged. what damages kids (or doesn't damage them) is not whether the family is in one household or two. It's about the interpersonal relationships and conflicts that the kids have to see between their parents and deal with and form their opinions on. read some books or websites about divorce, join a divorce support group , you will see that it's not the end of the world for kids (obviously, and speaking from experience of a child from a divorced family) if the parents don't make it out to be.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (13 June 2011):
I'm sorry to hear about this difficult situation you're in. whoever was to blame for the marriage breakdown doesn't matter anymore, from your post I think you acknowledge that you are not entirely blameless either. Maybe she tried as hard as you did, for 5 more years after coming back, and so this is the proof that it's just not going to work any more no matter how much more time you spend on this marriage.
And I think it would help you to decide and make clear to your wife that this time it's final, you're not going to take her back again because it's too emotionally draining on you to be yanked around like that and it's not fair to you. You need to move on too. for some people, threatening separation and divorce is a cruel manipulative game to them, to emotionally blackmail their partners to give in to them or to act out and punish their partners. maybe that was what happened the previous times. but she doesn't have a right to keep playing with your emotions just because she can't handle her own.
and since history has shown she has a tendency to keep leaving and coming back, I think for your own emotional health you should separate permanently so you can move on with your own life and not be subjected to her ambivalence any more.
another way to see it is - if this is the third time your wife has separated from you, chances are that this is not a marriage that is meant to be. Maybe she really never wanted to be with you but kept coming back for unsound reasons (like being afraid of change, or being afraid of being alone). People who love each other in healthy way and are going though a difficult time in their lives, don't keep on being so ambivalent to their partners as a recurring theme.
however I think she's doing the right thing in how she's explaining the separation to the kids (just saying that mom and dad dont' get along anymore) and telling them that they will be fine. What would you prefer? that she smear your name to the kids, that you also smear her name, and that you tell the kids they will NOT be fine and that their lives are being ruined??
your post sounds like you want your wife to stay not because you love her but out of vengefulness. Like you are so angry at her for what she's done in the past, for the trust issue in 2006 , for putting you through the emotional turmoil of leaving you and coming back three times, of how it also affected the kids, that you want to deny her her right to move on with her life, you want to keep her in this marriage so she will be as miserable as you are. you don't want to move on with your life either instead you want to 'sacrifice' your well being to get back at your wife by keeping her trapped in misery with you. if so, this kind of marriage is bad for your kids. Or maybe you believe that the only "right" thing to do is for a nuclear family to stay intact under one roof. either way, it may help you to move on if you can learn let go of these.
"it is always best to work at things and not to runaway unless your in a situation that puts you in harm's way. "
yes I think it's better to work at things and not to run away, but I think it's misguided to think that staying married = working at things and divorce = running away. some times it's actually the other way round.
some times divorce and separation does not equate to "running away"...in fact, insisting on continuing a dysfunctional marriage IS running away, because it's clinging to the familiar outward signs of comfort - having the same house, having people see you out together looking like a normal family so no one knows how messed up and unhealthy your lives are, having the outward facade - rather than facing reality and dealing with it openly. Many times these fears are what keep marriages together to limp along indefinitely so they can continue to do more emotional damage to the spouses and their children.
if a marital relationship is unhealthy and dysfunctional, this is going to affect the kids. Staying together could actually be very bad for the kids because you're modeling unhealthy ways to relate to an adult partner.
No one can say that you didn't try to save your marriage, you've been married 12 years...if you've been trying for years and still the reality of your relationship is that it's toxic, then separation and divorce IS facing reality and working at things. And staying together only to continue in this unhealthy way, is equivalent to running away because it's being too afraid to face up to the reality and do the difficult and downright scary work of being brave and creating a new life that looks very different from the present, but rather clinging to what has already been shown to be a bad model for living.
I suggest that however you feel towards your wife and the separation, that you don't contradict your wife's explanation to the girls. They are not mature enough to understand the "real story" of why you and your wife are splitting, not right now at their age at least.
"my girls are confused and hurt and her explanations to them are petty and they know that lack of communication is not grounds for separation. "
Actually, lack of communication IS grounds for separation if it's a symptom of really huge fundamental problems like lack of trust. But again, this goes beyond what kids can understand.
You need to accept that your wife is giving up (whether you think she has any right to or not) so there's nothing you can do but accept it and either choose to move forward in your own way and help your kids to move forward too or resist the whole process and be an obstructionist.
so I think it may help you to move on if you can change your attitude that separating is "running away." You've already tried for 12 years, you've given it your all. Ask yourself if maybe you're just too afraid to be single and alone again and using that as an excuse to keep a toxic marriage together rather than being brave and shaking things up to make life better for yourself and your kids. either way, allow yourself to feel angry and hurt and grief and all the other feelings that come with major life changes and losses, but when it comes to your kids try to be as positive as you can be to help them through this transition. You want to model to them that life IS about "working at things" and not running away.
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