A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Should I be concerned that my wife of 10 years wants to "mend an old wound" with a high school sweetheart?She had a very emotional situation when she was 15 with her highschool sweetheart. He fled and does not know what happened after the incident. I have known about this since I met her at 18 years old. We have been together for 15 years now and married for 10. We have children and all was very well. Recently they "found each other" via Facebook and have been chatting; by email and phone. I don't like this at all, but also respect her space. He lives far from us (6 hour plane ride), so I was not too concerned and trust her. She recently asked me if I would mind her flying to see him and confront him on what happened in the past. She says she needs to "get it off her chest". I respect this and offered to go with her; not to be there when they talk, but to travel with her for support and a small getaway. She said she does not want me there at all. She wants to do this alone as she handled this all alone when it happened at 15 years old. I have been sick to myself since she asked meif she could go alone. I also did a little research and she has had numerous phone conversations with him and I'm sure plenty of emails. I asked her how many times they have spoken via phone and she told me "only once". Well, she lied to me as I checked cell phone records and there was more than one to his phone number and they were 20 minute conversations each time.Any advice? I love her and our family, but I just cannot support her going there alone.Thank you.JJ
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male
reader, holikdad +, writes (26 June 2009):
Your situation mirror's mine, feel free to email me so that we can discuss this at length.
A
male
reader, Tbonex +, writes (26 June 2009):
 She needs to get over him he not doing anything for her is he. I know I would be insulted my wife going to see another man. And then alone? If she can't handle you going with her then she's definitely up to something. Could be no good. But hey, just try not to stress about it and "respect her space" like she may want. That is messed up on different levels though. Don't worry too much about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice, I really appreciate it. Things have been better, but I am asking for some more advice. A quick update:Some time has now passed and we're trying to work this out. My wife has agreed to not go visit him. She "has had time to think about it" and does not want to risk our marriage by going to see him. She has confessed to me that she does, and always will, have feelings for him as he was her first love and they went through some things together as teenagers. She has said that she does not love him or want to be intimate with him, but she does still look forwrad to the day that she sees him. He will most likely come back to where we live to vist friends and family and she will want to meet with him for coffee or a drink at that time. She has said that I can come along, but she'll want me to leave as it will be an uncomfortable situation for all if I am there. She has no problem with me meeting him, but wants some time alone with him to talk and catch up after 15 years of not seeing him.Here's where I need some advice:I have become very insecure in our relationship and it shows daily at home. Until he asked to be her friend on Facebook, we had the best marriage. We never doubted each other and were in love. We have a great family with two kids, good careers, etc. Since she brought him to my attention about a month ago we have fought and been bitter towards each other. I have a hard time pretending this never happened. I am very insecure now. She agreed to not go and see him, but asked that she could still be friends with him. I could not stop them from being friends, even know I really wanted her to cut off all contact with him. She sees this as "unreasonable" and "I have nothing to worry about". She loves me and wants to be with me and the kids as a happy family. She gave him her work email/phone info as she cannot check her Facebook account at work and does not have much time at home to check it either. I asked her a couple days ago if they chat via email/phone at work and she said yes, mostly email. I asked what they talk about and its the usual, how have you been, how was the weekend, etc.She did get mad at me for checking her cell phone records and being nosey. She said that I need to trust her and stop snooping around on her. I agree that I should not have invaded her privacy, but she is my wife and I was concerned about the whole situation and do not want to risk loosing her. Since we kind of "mended" and "made up", she does not look at her facebook account when I am around; she sneaks around and looks at it when I am not around. She has also checked it a few times at odd times of the day. Such as in the morning after I leave for work (not like her at all) also when I am busy around the house like mowing the lawn, etc. I recently snooped in her cell phone account for one last check-up (remember, I am now insecure, but trying to move on) and she changed the settings on her on-line account so I cannot view her phone call records. I am really questioning why she would do this and why she does not allow me to see her FB when she is on the computer? I have also checked the "history of visited websites" on our PC. Every time she logs onto Facebook she checks his status and looks at his page. I told her the other day that I just to be happy again, like we were two months ago. She agreed with me and thinks we'll get there. I have my doubts as it is eating away at me. I cannot let this go and our relationship is so different now. It is uncomfortable and edgy at home.Bottom line is this: I have become so insecure that I am going insane. I am constantly worrying and wondering what she is up to. I have no way of knowing what they are talking about and I fear the day he comes back to meet her. Of course I think the worst; she desperately wants to meet with him because there's a part of her that wants to see if she still has "more than just feelings" for him. I know her very well as we have been together for 15 years. I do not believe that this is over and I want it to go away. She says that I have to trust her, but I can't. I am insecure and jealous now. I've asked her for her true feelings, but it's the same as I have mentioned. I think there is much more to what she is doing, but that could also be my insecurity? I offered writing down both of our Facebook passwords on a piece of paper, but she didn't want to. It doesn't really matter though because they typically chat via email at work.What to do? Counseling? Try to move on? Thank you very much for listening and providing any feedback.
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A
male
reader, holikdad +, writes (8 June 2009):
I hope you're reading this and pay attention to what I'm about to say.This was the EXACT thing happened to me Sept. of last year. My wife had an old BF that she broke up with because of a bad situation and wanted to mend it. My wife proceeded to have an emotional affair with the guy and planned to meet him physically, but I found out first. I outed him to his wife and she threw him and all his crap out on their front lawn. She also threatened to shoot him, which still makes me chuckle.Anyway, here's the advice. You've already found out that she's been having more contact with him than she's told you. So she's LIED, that's your first clue. You're wife is having an emotional affair with this guy. She only wants to meet him physically to see if there is still a spark there between them, and if they have anything in common that they can build a lasting relationship with. At this point she's torn between you and the OM and hasn't made a final decision yet.Here's what you do, and listen carefully. Pack her a bag!! Tell her that if she insists that she has to go see him by herself that's fine but she must move out. And follow through with it. Make sure you don't argue, yell, or say anything you'll regret later. Be very calm, I know it'll be hard, and tell her "If you must go I understand, but you must understand that you are breaking our marriage vows and I will not tolerate it".Then stand by what you've said, don't cry, don't blubber, don't demean yourself. Trust me I can assure you this is EXACTLY what happened to me.Also decide if this is the woman you want to stay with for the rest of your life. This decision will help you proceed after you've asked her to leave.And above all don't blame yourself, I had a great marriage, sex, communication, everything but my wife still did it to me.Don't allow her to do this to you, you MUST take a stand now and lay down the rules now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): I don't think that it is too much of you to ask to be there. Your her husband and as such she should also respect that. I would not want my husband flying 6 hours to meet an old flame. I don't care what the circumstances are. I realize that you will not be there for the conversation and that is certainly understandable but, you have more than every right to be there with her. Especially after the lying about the phone conversations.
I also recomend that you ask her of those again. Make sure you heard her right. Kinda like "are you sure you only spoke once?". Its up to you at that point on whether or not to say something to her. I have learned though that resentment can cause serious issues.
Playing the devils advocate... maybe she does not want to upset you. Maybe she really enjoys his conversation and nothing more.
Before going full blown detective you have to speak to her.
you must tell her exactly what you told us... It will help her understand where you are comming from and maybe eliviate some possiable misunderstandings.
one last thing... I have noticed in many relationships we "offer" to do something when we really mean "I'm going with you and it's not an option".
Try to say what you mean and it will help...
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