A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I work in a science/technology/research field and I like my job. I have been at the same organization for over 20 years with increasing leadership roles. My last was leading a team of engineers performing tasks I enjoyed. Salary was very good, hours were good, and I was very good at what I did. Sometimes I had conflicts with my long-time manager but overall we got along well. At any hint of conflict my wife always asked me "Why do you have to listen to him? You should have his job." etc etcEventually, my manager moved on to another job and his job became vacant. I had a chance at his job before and did not apply despite some encouragement from colleagues, because I was happy with where I was at. However, this time I was faced with the real prospect of one of my team members applying for and getting the job. This person was technically competent but overall disliked by the team, possessed poor managerial skills, and I am not sure I could have worked for him after how I assessed his performance under me so I applied.I did not get the job but neither did he. An outsider was brought in. That worked for me. However, my wife constantly berated me for not applying as I did not tell her I applied and was rejected: "I told you that you should have applied!" Finally, after one episode where she was berating me (loudly and angrily) for not applying I yelled back at her: "I did apply and I didn't get it. OK?!" which shut her up.Eventually, that new manager left for another opportunity. I applied for the vacancy and I got the job this time. It was a pretty big promotion in status and responsibility but not a lot of difference in salary (at least short-term). In fact, accounting for my longer hours I made less per hour and had a lot less freedom. I work much longer hours now. I am in to work early and out late. I used to be able to have lunch with my wife a few times per week. Now it is just once per week. When I get home from work (usually late) I am tired and sometimes have a headache, but she wants to talk because she has been by herself (or with her elderly mom who lives close by) all day. I find myself telling her I just need her to be quiet and leave me alone to decompress which of course she dislikes.I feel like a lot of this is on her. I don't blame her. I applied for the job and I accepted it. However, I do feel like I always had this pressure from her to move up. Well, now I have. I am actually liking my new role at work but my married life is suffering. There is no way I am going back down at work after having moved up, but I feel like my entire marriage is different now. My wife is a homemaker (no kids) and now I leave for work before she even wakes up. I hardly get to see her and when I do I just wish she'd shut up half the time. I know that's terrible to say, but after a long day at work I am REALLY tired and she is so eager to have lively conversation like we used to. I can't do that most days.In some ways I blame her for goading me into this situation. I think she felt I was not being respected, but now that I am I don't have time for her. I am not sure how to handle this situation. Our lives are never going to be like they were again and I miss that. It is easy to say I can just find another job or whatever, but... no... it's not. I just want to stop resenting her and at the same time let her know (in a nice way) that I still love her but when her energy level is at 9 and mine is at 3 I need to turn her off. I just can't devote as much time and energy to her anymore and part of this is indeed because of her constant pushing me to make more of myself even though I already had a comfortable six figure income. How do I make her realize:I am a LOT more tired when I get home than I used to beI have a LOT less time to spend with her overallI often can't deal with holding animated conversations after work like we used toI still love her?
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reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (5 August 2017):
You allowed your wife into bullying you to apply for a job you didn't want. Bad on ya. I'm curious if she wanted to take a promotion because of the money or because she liked the prestige of being married to someone in management. Either way you guys are reaping what you've sown.
It seems to me your best option is to find a job doing what you were doing before. You were happy and you apparently made enough money.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2017): I won't read the other answers. Here is my insight.
I am coming at it from another angle.
We only have the here and now. Our lives are precious, fragile and it goes by oh, so very quickly.
Before you become an old man and you are sitting all alone in your chair reflecting about your life and perhaps lamenting about the mistakes you made, let me tell you this.
What you think might be stressful now really isn't if you look at the bigger picture. If you don't have the people you love by your side, then it all means nothing. Jobs mean nothing. Promotions mean nothing. Money means nothing without the people you care about most to share it all with. Also, this added stress, both emotional and physical, is going to add a burden to your marriage. It already has. And what do we have without our health? NOTHING. Nothing else matters unless we are healthy and happy to enjoy what we have. And what we have are also the small things. The things many people take for granted because of the big picture which is oftentimes a mirage created in our own minds. The incessant push for more. More and more. More of what? When does it stop? When can you just be happy with what you already have? The having more factor in my opinion often brings more stress and more unhappiness and not the other way around. So, enjoying the smaller things, like lunch with your wife, time to have conversations, a chance to stay connected and intimate with one another really is a big thing! These things should not be lost for jobs, for money, for anything. At the end of the day, it just ain't worth it. Love conquers all in this life. Yes, we all want to be financially stable but at what cost? How many marriages have broken down due to work pressures? And how many people have regretted it? When it's too late?
Your wife did not encourage you to make you bitter and resentful. That wasn't her plan. She loves you. She obviously thinks very highly of you and wants you to do better. Simple. She is not the first nor last wife to support her husband in applying for a promotion. I did it too with my husband but ultimately the choice was HIS. He could have said no to the opportunity and stood his ground. But he chose to apply so in the end, the responsibility is solely his. He made the decision. He is responsible for it. So, do not blame your wife totally for this choice that you made. I do not believe for a moment that it was made with malice. She loves you and did it from a place of love as well as admiration and respect. I highly doubt she foresaw that it would turn out this way, with less time spent with her and less intimacy like before, with you feeling stressed out and on your way to being burnt out. Had she foreseen the result, she might not have pushed you so much. Had you had also had the same crystal ball, you would not have applied. So cut yourselves a break here. Nobody knows anything with certainty until they do it. Hindsight is 20/20. Every choice is a gamble and involves risk. You took the risk. Choices can change things for the better or worse. It all depends on your perspective. Most people applying for promotions think like you do. It is going to make things better. You are going through what many go through when they land more responsibility in a higher position. Eventually once past the learning curve, things should settle down and you will be able to manage your duties better and therefore should be back to balancing your home and work life. If that never changes, then there is something wrong. The position may be too demanding and its scope too wide. Or perhaps you are not well suited for it after all. And this could apply to anyone taking on the role. We are only human after all. Perhaps such positions are more suited to single men who have more time to devote, more to prove and less to sacrifice rather than married men with other responsibilities. You have proven yourself. You are already established. You took the risk, and I applaud you for this. But sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side. And we can only learn this from experience.
I do suggest finding another job. Clearly your years of experience and qualifications will make it easy for you to land back on your feet with a new corporation. Never feel like you cannot move on and move forward because you can. New beginning happen every day. You likely have reached a plateau at your current company. And I feel you are burnt out there as well.
Your wife is a caregiver to an elderly mom so she has her share of burdens. It is draining to say the least. She probably looks forward to her time with you. It is the bright spot in her day. Pulling away will certainly hurt her. Even if she understands, it will hurt her to see you distancing yourself. We women need to stay emotionally connected with our partners. This is paramount. And if you have nothing in the tank anymore, you will only pull further away from her and she will do the same in response to you. You will feel resentful and she will reciprocate by feeling rejected. So, a wedge will be created and continue to get worse over time. You will both resent one another because you are not getting the love and attention you both want, and are used to having. Remember, emotional distance is the enemy.
So, you need to think about your priorities in life. What is most important to you? And do everything you can to make your life the best it can be. I do not mean financially. We all die one day and we can't take it with us. Our graves all measure about the same size too. We can't get anything back if it's too late. Ask yourself if you were told you were going to die tomorrow and you woke up with no more time, what would you do TODAY to make sure your last day was your fullest and happiest? That would be your priority so focus on that. Would it be to keep working at this job and spend your last 9 hours there or would it be to keep your wife and marriage happy and solid like it always was?
You need to take care of your own mental well being. Work is not supposed to cause us such stress and upset in our lives. It is not supposed to change our marriages for the worst. If you have a job like this, then you need to seriously think about changing it. Finding something that will complement your life, not overwhelm it to the point where you are truly unhappy overall. Do you see what I mean? Let go of the resentment towards your wife. She loves you. Find a new job. Even if it takes time and you will see that everything will fall into place. In the meantime, try to keep a happy mindset and if maybe try to schedule a dinner date on weekends and do things that make you feel better, such as fitness and exercise and maybe take your wife out dancing! Life is too short to work yourself into the grave. Live, fully, and with passion. It is now or never. It is not too late to push away all regrets.
I wish you both well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2017): Sounds like your wife needs a focus of her own, like a job or hobby, so she can actually socialise with other people. She'd appreciate more that when you come home everyone likes some quiet time, and she would have people to talk to and not be so dependent on waiting for you to walk through the door so she can have an animated chat.
What you do with your lives is whatever suits you best, but quite honestly without children to care for she must get pretty bored/lonely at home by herself. What need is there for her to be an unemployed house wife when she could do anything with her time - volunteer somewhere 3 x a week or have a job of her own she can push herself as much as she likes with. Spending a lot of alone means you're the focus of her day, she's waiting for you to come back to feel fulfilled whereas you've had work to focus on and understandably aren't coming home with the same energy levels or enthusiasm for busy conversation.
You say you do actually like the promotion now, but are working very long hours. You need to make sure you have an adequate work/life balance as best as you can, although with extra money and promotion comes extra responsibilities. Perhaps you should decide on 2 days a week you will always leave work on time, so that you have a bit more quality time with your wife.
Having an honest conversation with her would also be helpful, remind her that she was very keen for you to take on a promotion and that now you have she has to understand you have a lot more to do and are much more tired. To improve your relationship maybe you need to agree that when you come home you'll both say your hellos and have a little chat but then you need 30 mins to just relax and decompress alone. Stating this as something you need should make it clearer to her you're not doing it because you don't want to spend time with her, but because you want the time you are spending with her to be happy and relaxed and if you haven't had time to unwind you can't give her your full attention. This should reassure her that she's not a problem, but that you want to devote your attention to conversation with her and still care for her and just need some time to switch off from work before you're able to do that.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (3 August 2017):
I think you need to go to therapy, and possibly your wife too. If she is constantly pressuring you to climb higher and make you miserable, things aren't going well. It's ok to have a life coach, but not someone beating the drum all of the time.
If you can go to therapy, your therapist will help you handle that kind of situation, and improve your relationship.
Your therapist will also help you to set healthy boundaries. You need to rest and sleep, and be a little selfish because you have more responsibilities.
You can have anything you want, but not everything you want.
You can't have a higher rank with less responsibilities and more spare time. You need to be sure what is what you really want, and set your limits with those around you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2017): Well at least we know that comfortable six figure salaried people can still be miserable!
But hang on a minute here, you are not actually miserable, you are just tired and very busy!
But the worst thing is that wifey has now become someone you want to switch off!
Oh ..my days..Wifey is not a T.V. and she just doesnt have an on/ off switch!
Lets assume she is more of a computer and just needs rebooting and a quick software update!
Lets assume that wifey was correct about the promotion but she didnt realise how demanding the job would be and how you couldnt quite have the same amount of quality time together!
So she got it right and wrong in a way!
Now you have extra cash and no goodwill left even though she wants loving, huggy,kissy hubby at the end of the day!
The answer is to delegate!
Delegate as much managerial work as possible to your underdogs and praise them for getting it done on time.
If you dont want to delegate wifey and matrimonial duties to unloved friends then you must draw wifey into the idea of being busy also so that you can have a wind down session together at the end of each day.
You sound like a smart guy so why dont you set wifey up in business selling lingerie or food or fabrics etc.
And explain to her that her fabulous energy is easily at nine while yours is merely at 3!
And compete with each other for the best chill out music.
Put quality speakers all over the house if needs be!
Get her to run you a good ol fashioned bubble bath just to assert that you are a worn out king in need of pampering!
You could do so much together and yet its just not kicking right now!
So Action!
Prioritise her for an hour or so longer a day.
Not for sex but for the sake of remembering that you cant switch humans on and off unless you are Doctor Nasty!
A rare glimpse into your life really makes me smile because its so human and normal and so satisfying to hear that all that extra cash is pushing you away from each other when the rest of the world is walking through broken glass on barefeet just to get a fraction of cash to buy milk to feed the kids or to fake it that they have food in the house if guests come over by offering them a cup of tea before sending them away!
It sounds like divine justice!
So maybe wifey would like to collect canned food to give to charities that feed children who skip about playgrounds on empty bellies!.
She may prove to be a champion of very just causes so give her a chance!
She would be so appreciated by those she gave to and shifting cans would surely wear her out so that you could meet at level 5 and still love each other!
And still be the couple who had it all!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (3 August 2017):
 Are you willing to explore your relationship question further? I know you wrote quite a long post to start but it is really the story of one event. We need to know a bit more about her days and her history.
Off the cuff. She is using your success to build her own self worth. When you advance she advances. If she is and has always been a homemaker, the home is her value. and that home comes from your salary. every chair. couch curtain is something she relies on your job to provide. She may see her responsibility as being to encourage you to advance and earn more and more. When you do advance she is rewarded with more home.
One thing that is quite obvious to me is that if she desires more time with you she could easily arrange her schedule to wake up with you. There is nothing else in he life that can not be moved to allow that time.
If not what is she doing with her days? this is why I need more information.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (3 August 2017):
 Time to change jobs. Use an outplacement company to help you find what you really want to do next.
And stop working such long hours. It is essential that you, and your company, to get the work-life balance correct. You will be more effective when you adjust this. There is a lot of data to support this.
I always used to maintain to my staff that the work should be completed in the time allotted.
Go home. Play with the kids or go hiking - whatever you like to do. Your life is not your work, or shouldn't be.
As Bertrand Russell said: "One of the symptoms of approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. If I were a medical man I should prescribe a long holiday to any patient who considered his work important."
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