A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married 25 years, together for 28 years. The relationship has not been good the last two years when have fought constantly (usually once per day and sometimes more). Part of it is I think her going through menopause which just makes her cranky and fly off the handle at every little thing, but she also says that because of her mother's verbal abuse she had low self-esteem and only in that period does she find she has the ability to speak up for herself and in this case speaking up for herself mainly means cussing me out for every slight real and imagined.We have both talked about ending the marriage. Me, because I am sick of her angry tirades and her because she says she just needs time away to herself. We had a long heart-to-heart talk last night and she told me that she should have never married me. She is an artist, dancer, and actress by trade whereas I made my career in technology (Silicon Valley). She moved in both circles due to us attending school in the SF Bay Area. She said that she should have gone for the sensitive, empathetic guys in her art crowd instead of for a driven, career-minded guy like me. Back when we were dating she was being pursued by several men and she said that she was attracted to my drive and prospects for success and found that exciting. Well, I have had a very successful career and we are quite comfortable. She doesn't lack for anything and doesn't work. However, she says I don't empathsize with her and that she just wants someone who will listen to her quietly without offering up advice or solutions. She said that some of those men in her theater crowd would have suited her better in that way.Needless to say, I am shocked and hurt after this long marriage. She's not cheating on me or anything so don't read it that way, but to hear her say I have not met her needs is a slap in the face. She hasn't met all my needs either, but I love her and have provided for her. I distinctly remember her telling me when she was younger that I would be a rich man and that she knew so. What I didn't realize is that she'd use me for 25+ years and then dump me once she had the financial security to leave because I am not the sensitive, caring man she really wants. Look, I am not insensitive and I do care. However, I also have a low tolerance for self-indulgent whining and curse-filled tirades every single day. I'd like things to just go back to how they were. When I told my wife that she said: "I will not be silenced by you and you will listen to me!" In my head I thought "Good luck in getting anyone else to listen to this" but I told her she needs to get a grip. I don't want to hear ranting about mundane stuff like the noise from an airplane flying overhead. We've had planes flying over for 20 years and NOW she is going to scream, yell, and stomp her feet about it - even demand we move! She says she finally found her voice and wants to use it.I don't know. Maybe this is how marriages fail. I always had hope but her telling me she married the wrong guy after all of these years is crushing. What can I do to let her know I still want to be with her but I can't be with her LIKE THIS?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2020): This is a tricky situation OP. All relationships go through ups and downs. Maybe this is just a down period she will get over. Maybe it is the menopause. Maybe she is going through a mid- life crisis and realised she hasn’t done what she wanted to do with her life and blames you. Maybe she actually feels this way and is unhappy with you. It could be anything and we can only speculate. She may not even know the real reason why which can make it hard to communicate and fix things yourself. I think your best bet is marriage counselling. Only a trained professional can help you get to the bottom of this. Also a trip to the doctor to check her hormone levels. But at the end of the day how she feels now isn’t how she has always felt. She married you and you have been married a long time. That counts for something. So any comment she makes regarding marrying someone else I would not take to heart. Show wouldn’t of stayed with you for that long if she always felt like that. Seek a counsellor, they can help you both far better than we can.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2020): My good man, straighten your back, and take a long deep breath! You have the patience of Job!
Most of this is attributed to her undergoing menopause, and having a midlife crisis. We usually assume it's us men who have midlife crisis. Somewhere between 40 and 60, he suddenly decides he's over the hill. He's losing his virility; and the hair he has left, is turning gray! He hasn't moved as far in his profession as he thinks he should have, compared to his college classmates or colleagues. He over compensates by purchasing an expensive sports car, cheating on his partner with a younger-woman, or doing something outlandish like pursuing some outrageous get-rich quick scheme that fails tremendously! Well, women now compete in what used to be a man's world. Now they too feel what we feel when they jump past the 39 year-mark in age.
She is angry at the world, because her hormones are gone crazy. Gravity is cruel, and relentless. Her eggs are drying up, she's either burning-up or freezing; and every-time she looks in the mirror there's a new wrinkle! She spends tons on creams and facials, but they all come right back! She looks at you, and you show little sign of aging at 40. Your weight seems stabilized, you never worry about your appearance, say very little regarding the temperature of the room; and what is more irritating than anything...you hardly ever complain! You're always trying to calm her down, which makes her absolutely furious! You are allowing yourself to age graciously and quietly... oh, how dare you!!! God bless you, you poor man!
She is from the artsy-fartsy crowd. Vane, dramatic, pretentious, garish, and flamboyant. They live in an artificial world; and when age sets-in, they become very disturbed and appalled. I've watched my well-heeled gay friends (both male and female) spend thousands on face-lifts and liposuction. A couple have purchased fancy cars, and they're showing-off to attract and date younger people. Dressing ridiculously like teenagers, coloring their hair wild colors; and making total fools of themselves! Like your wife, they are defiant and resentful of aging! They hate themselves. They hate nature and biology, and feel God has somehow cursed them!
You are the closest person to her; so you are the target and recipient of her wrath. You remind her of better times in her life; and she can't stand the sight of you! Nothing is right, and no-one can calm her fury and contempt. You poor poor man! You are the usual mild-mannered partner, dealing with a more extroverted and vehement personality-type. Easier to deal with when you were both in your younger-years; but now she's going through the "change." I recall an old episode of "All in the Family," when Edith Bunker was a total nightmare while undergoing menopause. Even telling Archie bunker to "stifle" himself! He retorts by telling her to hurry up and finish going through the change! Hilarious when it's satire; but not funny when you are going through it!
I would recommend marital-counseling before you concede to filing for a divorce. Let's see if this is just a hormonal-storm, and the typical defiance towards aging. See if you can get her into marriage-counseling for the sake of your marriage. She should also get full medical examination and a hormonal workup; so her doctor can see if there is a hormonal-imbalance that may be somewhat treatable. However, she simply has to let nature take its course. Time stops for no-one!
Menopause in women is different for each individual. Some are absolutely horrendous going through the change; and some so quietly undergo it, nobody knows it's happening. Not so in your wife's case; because she's a thespian, and they don't just shrivel-up and blowout like a candle. They go-out kicky and screaming; and wrestling with time! You are feeling the fallout, and often you're the target of her venomous words. Most of them she doesn't mean. She's a drama queen after all!
It's likely your marriage might come to an end; if she is dead-set on it. I think you deserve to have your peace. If she hates aging so much; she will find in due time, that there is nothing she can do about it. If she makes the drastic choice to let you go; when all the dust settles, and she has found herself all alone. It will be one of the greatest regrets of her life. If she is a prideful-woman; she may never admit it.
Rather than let her drive you to an early grave, give her a divorce; if that's what she wants. Before that, see a marriage-counselor. Get everything out on the table, and let her know what you're going through. Get your closure, and have your say; but you need a moderator when someone's big-mouth is too wide open to hear anything. Many men are not as patient as you sir; but exhaust all efforts. If divorce is the only option; then so bit it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 December 2020):
 Honestly?
I think she is being dramatic. I don't think someone STAYS for 28 years with someone IF they know that person is JUST so wrong for them, IF THEY had the means and opportunity to leave at any point in that time. Which SHE did.
And while I get that you have a low tolerance for self indulgence and woe-is-me pitty parties (I do too), sometimes just listening and nodding can make a HUGE difference. But if it's DAILY? Then yeah, even a Saint wouldn't want that.
And maybe, she has TRIED to be (what she perceived as) the "perfect wife for so long she just decided no more, I want to "find me and be me". I does happen. Especially to middle-aged people. they realize that whoops! Life IS short. And you only get ONE TRY!
The whole "I should have married some sensitive theater guy blah blah blah".. is utter bullshit though, because if that is what she REALLY wanted it is ON her to have chosen differently 28 years ago! Not you. Not your fault.
Plenty of people look back (once the kids are grown or off to college and look at their spouse and go;" OH no, that is who I am going to spend the rest of my life with? "
Except they DON'T! They can CHOOSE to be on their own! Or find someone else!
Now if she hasn't worked your whole marriage or never been independent (financially and otherwise) Maybe she is realizing that she didn't live HER life to HER potential. Most of us like average lives with not making a mark on the World. That is reality. She (your wife) doesn't sound like she lives in reality. She is creating this fantasy that she COULD have had. And somehow YOU are to blame?! That is ridiculous!
Have you told her that her telling you that she married the wrong guy is SOUL crushing? Because it sounds like she needs to hear some reality and home-truths! SHE picked YOU. She married YOU, she KNEW and KNOW YOU! You are not the "sensitive, will placate rants and unrealistic demands" kind of guy. Why does she think because SHE has "found her voice" (good for her) that YOU now have to totally change?
As for the planes, well are you getting close to retirement? Where WOULD she want to live? And once she lived THERE what faults would she find then? Now she can't sleep because there are NO planes! It's too quiet!
My husband's first wife complained that he was never home and thus a bad husband an father, so he LEFT his career in the military and got a 9-5 civilian job. Then he was home too much and drove her up the wall, so in the end, SHE left.
I have to ASK you, OP - WHAT do you want and WHERE do you see this going?
Is she right on some point? If she is, can you compromise to work on those?
While I don't think counseling is the answer to everything... it's not. I DO think it can help people who WANT to work on things. So maybe try some marriage counseling?
Encourage HER to find things that will FULFILL her needs to find HERSELF.
How about she finds a counselor? A therapist? So she will HAVE someone to TALK to who will just "listen"?
In the end though, I would sit her down and let her know that she REALLY hurt your feelings, that you want the marriage to work, but you don't want her to walk all over you. Because that is what she seems to want.
YOU need to express that "I still want to be with her but I can't be with her LIKE THIS!"
You have worked HARD and LONG hours to provide the life you THOUGHT you BOTH wanted and NOW that is bad? Seriously?
I think you have shown pretty great patience here. I think had my husband started that kind of "drama" I would have suggested he doesn't let the door hit his ass and then called the BEST lawyer I can find!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2020): HiWell, you have been told what she feels she needs 'empathy', but why now? is there something in particular that she keeps asking from you? like, does she really really want to move because she is unhappy? she may feel that you are sticking your heels in over her happiness? She was unfair saying the things she has said to you and quite childish. Maybe she should be working and fulfilling her life with meaningful things, instead of lounging around at theatres with her luvvies while your paying for it all.If she needs sensitivity, then she could volunteer and give it to old people or poor people, it's not always about RECEIVING. She has found her voice!! well' shouting is not the best way to use it, she is an actress you say,can't she use that voice in a constructive way? instead of bashing your ears. You use the term 'Whining' this sounds like an element of boredom and frustration. Your a successful tech and she (was) a creative, maybe she needs to be creative.Maybe, you need to both take time out together and come out of the rat race and status quo, if you have the finance to enable you to make choices. Why not do something involving nature like a trip that involves adventure, forget laying by a pool with cocktails all day. Help accommodate her sensitive side through nature, take her to places to meet people less fortunate than herself, she wants to use her voice!!! tell her to use it for people who need to be heard, so she can show HER empathy. Enjoy been together away from every normal way of life that you both have come to know. Do her ranting and raving say there is an underlying issue somewhere, whether past present or future or medical? but some people have what is coined 'divine discontent' and a shakeup is what's needed to change things for the better.Good luck.Do Listen to her, but not to constant angry whining, just put it on record and leave the room then play it back to her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2020): To me it sounds like she is depressed.Have her go to the doctor for a checkup.She may even have a brain tumor or something else.You will never know what really is wrong until she goes to the doctor.And no having gone thru menopause I do not think that is it.Do something nice for her...dial up the romance a bit and be kind...in sickness and health..honor your vows.
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