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Wife and sex toys!

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Question - (7 September 2010) 7 Answers - (Newest, 9 September 2010)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

So I need some advice.

My wife and I have been married for 18 years and have 3 kids. About a year or so ago, some of my wife’s girlfriends were all talking about vibrators and my wife admitted to being a “vibrator virgin”. Her girlfriends told her she had to get one. They are great, etc…. and can be fun with the husband (me) or solo.

So, my wife orders one. She tells me she did and told me when it arrived. She bought some version of the “rabbit”. She put it in her closet in the FedEx box where it sat for a long time (or so I thought). I would look at it occasionally and the box never moved.

My plan was that after she tried it out, we could have fun using it together. About a year later I notice the box has finally disappeared. So I ask her if she had used it, and she said yes - many, many times. (I’m thinking crap! Many, many times? What happened to fun with the hubby?) But I tell her I am glad to hear it. I’m glad she is using it. I then ask if we can use it together and she says “maybe” – but I know that maybe really means “hell no”. She immediately changes the topic. Her rabbit is her private domain.

So a couple of months ago I am putting away clothes in our closet. I go to take a basket off of her shelf to put away some tennis clothes and it is really heavy. So I move away some shirts and there are 3 rabbits and one G spot vibrator and lotion. Wow. I have hit the mother load!

Apparently when I’m off to work and the kids are at school, my wife is enjoying her new found release. To be honest, I am perfectly fine with this… I am happy that she is enjoying her toys. She deserves it. Everyone masturbates. And I am not one of those guys that gets all crazy about competing with a vibrator. And I am not going to tell her I found her other toys. I don’t care how many she has… I’m very happy she is enjoying them. And I respect her privacy.

But here is the thing – it seems that our sex life seems to be different now. When we have sex, she doesn’t seem to care about having an orgasm or even trying to get there. She just wants me to take care of my business and then we are done. All of the foreplay, teasing, etc… is gone. She just wants me to orgasm so we can be done. And I am not good with that…. I guess I feel that she gets her satisfaction with her toys in her privacy and when we have sex it is now just for me. Since I am always the one to initiate sex I sort of feel like I am becoming a burden.

So I have been thinking that “I” need to go on the offensive here. Clearly my wife enjoys sex toys so I mail ordered a few beginner/couple toys like a bullet, an egg vibrator, and a plain vibrating dildo. Now I need to figure out how to introduce them into our love making. I don’t think the “honey, look what I bought – want to come play” is the best way to introduce them. Any thoughts? I am especially interested in what the ladies have to say.

In the end, I just want to pleasure my wife and get her out of the “toys are private” thing. I want to play too and enjoy each other! She is my bride and I would do anything for her. But I just don’t know how to get in on the action. :)

View related questions: dildo, foreplay, g-spot, orgasm, sex life, sex toy, teasing, vibrator

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010):

You are welcome....her situation may not be exactly like mine but i would bet there is a menopause connection. :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for you kind words of advice. They are very helpful and appreciated. And I would especially like to thank the words from MarriedLady.

I hadn’t made the connection (you know how slow us men can be) but my wife is definitely somewhere on the menopausal slope. She has her periodic hot flashes and her menstrual cycle has become very irregular. She may go for months without one and then finally get on that she says almost kills her.

I hadn’t made the correlation – but it makes sense. I didn’t realize the impact menopause could have on a woman’s ability to orgasm – and now the sex toy tie-in make much more sense to me. Thank you for the insight.

The good news is that I love my wife very much and am glad she has some sex toys that help her get to that “happy” spot. What she does in private will remain there – she doesn’t need my commentary. But, I think I will introduce her to Mr. Bullet and his posse shortly ;-)

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A female reader, raluf South Africa +, writes (7 September 2010):

You are just a perfect husband, just show her what you wrote here and the responses and she'll just melt. Good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010):

You know what, I think you should just show her the message you wrote on here. It's heartfelt and sweet and your wife can see from the responses that most women have their naughty drawers and that it can be fun to share them with the hubby.

I think 'marriedlady' broached a very sensitive subject with the outmost of tact. If your wife is of an age where menopause is possible I suggest you listed to her words of wisdom...

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A female reader, tennisstar88 United States +, writes (7 September 2010):

tennisstar88 agony auntWomen often have that private drawer in a nightstand next to their bed, or in the dresser with the panties...I understand where she is coming from wanting to keep it separate from usual sex..and believe it or not they are addicting and do give you a fantastic orgasm. Hence why your sex life is lacking. I am a fan of any man who will welcome toys during sex. A lot of guys seem to be weirded out or are in awe of how many buttons and speeds it has on it, forgetting what needs to be done here. The best way to introduce them is to just whip them out, bring the dirty little secret out of the closet. Just explain that you found these couple vibrators that come highly recommended and wanted to give it a shot together. Penetration plus a vibrator stimulating your clitoris equals an awesome orgasm that one can't achieve alone.

On a side note, don't get those vibrating tongue rings..they die once you whip them out of the package. The silver bullet is the best vibrator out there, you can even get those colorful sleeves with ridges in shape of a dick that slide right over it!

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A female reader, Moo's Mum New Zealand +, writes (7 September 2010):

Moo's Mum agony auntWhat is wrong with your wife you sound like a complete catch! :-) Seriously just get them out and start using them during sex. I have a vibrator and my hubby loves to get it out during sex and do all kinds of things with it and initially I found it sqeamishly embarrasing but now I think it's great I love it and it never would have happened if he hadn't taken the reins so to speak. Get them out and put them by the bed and then spring them on her.

Good luck hope it goes well.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2010):

Well im a little hesitant to answer this one...sigh...but oh well here goes. I know i will be embarrassed and regret it...and i wish i believed in posting anonymously. lol

I dont know for positive what is going on with your wife, but i know that menopause is really hard on some of us women. Our bodies change and we dont know how to deal with it. Sometimes it isnt a matter of not wanting to play and to orgasm with you, our bodies betray us.

Nothing can feel as good as our men inside us...nothing makes us feel more connected to you and nothing makes us feel more loved...BUT when we cannot, no matter what you do, manage to reach the orgasm that we have always taken so for granted...it becomes a burden and it is humiliating. We are embarrassed to keep "trying" when you have already reached that place. after a few times, we give up. we just go thru the motions, we want you happy. We do love you, but ...well we cant deal with the embarrassement and humiliation. So we ...in our minds, make you happy, and the next day we find a release.

I may be way off track, and i hope i am...

I would love to play with my husband, but i dont know how to broach it, he seems to be uncomfortable with the whole idea, so i understand that you dont know how. You have an advantage in knowing she isnt opposed to toys in general. (on the positive side, he is working hard to please me, and that pleases me. lol)

I think you need to sit down with your wife and say, i have a fantasy...i would like to play with toys, how would you feel about that...

Trying to get her to talk about what she does in private isnt the right approach, but introducing toys, is a good idea. :) hope i didnt confuse the issue...mal

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