A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why would my partner want to leave his seven year old son suddenly?I am lost because its been the plan to move to his city until his son was 18.He also, comments that he never wanted his son. He wanted his ex to get an abortion.My partner wants to join the military and has a custody agreement in place he shares 50/50. He loves his son and I am shocked that he wants a career that will take him away. My partner lives an hour away from me. I was going to move to his city that I hate. Just so we could be closer to his son. My partner, stat that he was going for full custody of his son. or year on year off custody, or he said he would keep him the summers. I am just confused. He states that leaving his son will be fine because his son will respect him for having a career. I suggested to my partner that we should at least try to get the same state his son is in. So his son can gradually see him or get used to him being gone slowly. I am lost because he just does not want to be a father anymore? He even said he'll pay child support.
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female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (31 August 2021):
 If his own child is so disposable to him, imagine a wife... He sounds very uncaring tbh. ". I was going to move to his city that I hate. Just so we could be closer to his son." I would rethink this life plan if were you. "My partner, stat that he was going for full custody of his son. or year on year off custody, or he said he would keep him the summers." Some men only want full custody so they won't have to pay child support. NOt because they actually like to spend more time with the child. Just saying.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2021): He seems up in the air and undecided. He hasn't made a solid decision one-way or another. He didn't plan to be a father, and what you've described is usually the behavior of someone who became a dad before he was mature enough, or ready to. Why is it so surprising to you? It's as common as casual-sex. One thing for sure, he will pay child-support whether he wants to or not!
Having unplanned-children out of wedlock usually leaves one parent with sole-responsibility; or one begrudgingly fulfilling some responsibility, if they don't just skip-out altogether. He did say he may fight for sole-custody. That doesn't seem like someone wanting to shuck responsibility; but he seems indecisive and confused; or at least, what he wants you to believe.
You say he loves his son, then he wants to take sole-custody; and yet you say he wants to abandon him. Which is it?
Truth is, he wants to getaway as far as he can from his baby's mama, and/or you. That's more the case than anything.
If he's going into the military, he won't be able to just abandon his son. All his ex has to do is write the Dept. of Defense; and the complaint will be assigned to the Military and Family Support Center. They will find him, no matter where he is; and will setup a child-support allotment for the child. Same goes with the family-court. They can find him through the IRS.
He didn't have safe-sex, and wanted to place all the responsibility on his ex. He wanted her to abort the child. Easy for him to decide. He doesn't have to be a father, if he doesn't want to be; but he will have to support the kid. Any bad decision he makes will come back to bite him in the a$$ down the road. He's no automatic hero by joining the military, although to serve your country is an honor.
A man who would neglect or abandon his own offspring is not a man of honor; and cancels any acknowledgement of merit he would ever receive as a soldier. What he's actually planning to do, and what he's telling you, could be totally different things.
It seems to me, he wants to bail-out of all of his attachments; but you won't shake loose. You're clinging like lint! He's moving to places you'd hate, threatening to abandon his son, suggesting he'll enlist into the military, and being strangely indecisive. It seems it isn't just his son he's trying to getaway from. Wherever he's going, or whatever he's planning to do; I speculate he doesn't really want you, or anybody else to know!
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A
female
reader, Tinacandida  +, writes (31 August 2021):
 The times ive heard someone say that they want to join the military. Any way he seems to be shirking responsibility with his son so I wonder what other responsibilities he will not want to commit to, you? Or any children he may have with you. Have a good think about this one.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 August 2021):
 " He even said he'll pay child support."
Well, he has no choice there. He will HAVE to pay child support if the mother has the child full time. The military will take the child support out of his paycheck BEFORE he sees a dime.
Maybe he wants to join the Army because he is floundering in his life and he NEEDS to have some clear goals for himself. The military is a steady job he can advance in and work at for, well decades. His joining might also improve the living conditions for his son, in the fact that he (the BF) will have a steady job/income and benefits.
Why he all of a sudden wants to not have his kid around, I don't know. I think you need to talk with him and ask him straight up what is going on.
I think he is not REALLY factoring his kid into his future. He is looking at what HE (the adult) wants to do. And ONLY what he wants to do.
"He also, comments that he never wanted his son. He wanted his ex to get an abortion."
This is cruel and callous. It might BE the truth. It might be how HE justifies not wanting to really raise this kid. The whole "I'll pay child support) is such a copout, because KIDS need GOOD parents more than money.
This is your partner. Do you want kids at some point? If so.... Is this really the guy you would want kids with?
Lastly, gradually or in one go, no KID is ever going to "get used to" a parent leaving. Over time they will adapt - most kids do. But there will still be a part of them LOST. (the parent who left). Sometimes IT IS for the better ( from the adult's perspective) but kids want parents, even if they are shitty.
Having kids is not easy. Being a parent is not easy. Like most other things in life, it takes effort and work.
Did he have his son when he was really really young? (as in teenager?) Because that might explain (not excuse) why he now feels like it's HIS (your BF's) time to do what HE wants (joining the military). The kid is in school now and needs him fewer hours of the day. And your BF might just not HAVE to maturity to BE a good dad.
You DO know that IF he joins the military his job will also take him away from you... periodically... Right?
All in all, is this really the guy you see yourself with long-term? If he is, then you NEED to get to the bottom of this.
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