A
female
age
30-35,
*ebeccaa
writes:Hello everyone, I have a very complicated and probobly long question, so here goes me and my boyfriend of 8 months were family friends before we got together. His dad is bestfriends with my uncle and grew up together from being tiny, so I knew of my boyfriend from a young age. When I was young I was one of the brides modes at my uncles wedding and my boyfriend was the page boy we were both seven then. So when he was 12 he moved away to a different part of then country, and just recently he moved back about a year ago,I spoke to him to make sure he was ok becsue he was moving to our school and he only knew me. We started dating in school now weve left school. So that's that bit explained.Right so my boyfriends brother he has two the middle brother is two years older than him he has a girlfriend who is like 38 and he's 20 yes a bit strange I know, anyway this 38 year girlfriend has a daughter who is one year older than me and my boyfriend, who is on drugs, smokes, has been done by the police don't know how many times.. And god knows what else. Now this is where question comes in, this girl has told my boyfriend she loves him, get into more detail, I was sleeping at my friends one Saturday night and going to an all girls party, when I got back to my friends I had no messages on Facebook or anything which I found a bit strange but didn't think anything by it and just went to bed, the next morning my boyfriend messaged me said he needed to talk to me and to meet him and he was on the way to my friend house I asked him what was so important he said it was what Somone had told him, as soon as he said that I thought Facebook logged onto his Facebook had a look found some messages from her saying "when can we speak love you" and apparantley he needs a 'real girl' and shes better for him, oh really when im the one who doesnt drink never smoked in my life, never even drempt of being on drugs, got good grades in school, and never been in trouble with the police. I was fuming and went downstairs to show my friend, thenI went to meet my boyfriend to see what he had got to say, he said she had made a big drama the night before about how she loved him infront of her mum and my boyfriends dad crying and what not because my boyfriend said he wasn't leaving me for her. Anyway my boyfriend said he wasn't going to his brothers no more of he wanted to see him he could come to his, and today I was at my boyfriend and his mum and dad was like come on lets go have a BBQ at brads (my boyfriends brother) and said you too can come, but seriously why would he ask us especially me to go there when that has happend? Honestly, would you? My question is why would i go to theres when i know what this girl has been saying about me and, the fact shes tried to steal my boyfriend off me? Why would his parents ask me to go? Wouldnt you have some common sense and not ask? Who would want to go? I doubt theyve forgot about it because wouldn't forget about something like that.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 OP, at some point you'll have to decide : either you trust him, or not.
Right now it sounds that you badly WANT to trust him ,but you can't.
His slip ups are strongly bothering you, and you have this nagging feeling that something is off and thing aren't adding up correctly. Then again,if someone ( I, or your step mom, etc. ) say that something smells fishy, you get sort of defensive and start making tons of excuses and allowances for him.
At some point, you'll have to choose :) To trust or not to trust.. I can't / don't want to influence you, it 's so hard to figure out what's the truth from a distance and without knowing the persons and the whole story. I just would like to remark two things :
- don't use " he does not mean it " or " he does not know " as an excuse . First , how do you know he does not mean it, second if he does not mean it, well, then, you explain him nicely once ,then he has to start meaning it and to start knowing it.
Same for " it's his first r/ship ", it's an excuse only up to an extent. Why ? because being in a romantic relationship is not that different than any other kind of social / familiar relationship, it's not that if you get a gf you switch personality. He, I guess, already knows that he is not supposed to lie to people, or take advantage of them, or to disrespect them etc. PEOPLE, in general. So it's no so hard to figure out that it's not supposed to lie to his SO, to take advantage of her, to disrespect her , etc. Not that I am accusing him of actually doing this stuff . Just remarking that " he does not know how to act in a r/ship " is a lame excuse .
2) As I told you in a previous post, no ONE particular episode means much , for good or for bad - you have to see how it's going overall , in general . From this thread I had had the feeling that , apart from this barbecue thing and the girl hitting on him, you were two peas in a pod. But I happened into your other post, and it is not exactly like that. Apparently, both you guys do not trust each other , and this makes the r/ship shaky and fraught with tension.
I would reflect seriously about that, rather than focusing specifically on the barbecue girl episode.
A
female
reader, Rebeccaa +, writes (8 June 2012):
Rebeccaa is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well there was only one big mistake that i remember at the start of the relationship, which i do believe the 'excuse' I acctually believe he's telling the truth and the mistake he made he absolutley hated the girl, and sometimes I don't really think he realises what hea doing and doesn't think. He sometimes says things to me and doesn't mean it, or he doesn't mean it how it sounded. Also I am his first propper relationship and i don't think he has as much 'expeiriance' as me because I had a couple of other relationships before him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 June 2012):
Other mistakes, uh ? Then it's a bit different. Now I don't want to fuel your mistrust without having solid elements to do that, but, yes...it is different.
What I was going to write was : Don't sweat it too much. Worst case scenario, we can think that your bf is not actively going after girls and tryng to cheat on you, but if the occasion is served to him on a silver platter, he is not adamant in turning it down, maybe is intrigued, he's tempted , his curiosity is piqued and a " what if " may have crossed his mind. Which of course is disappointing and unflattering for a gf, but, hey we are all humans, people can have moment of weakness, a hint of temptation, it happens.
But, if this is a pattern and he already gave you reason to mistrust him, it's another story.
I guess it depends from how many mistakes, in how much time, and exactly what kind of mistakes. If also the other times he came out as chaste Joseph that was minding his business but some vixen hit on him, and he always had some excuse ready, and it FELT like an excuse ,not the truth.... a pattern is not the same as a single episode, and perhaps it's time to reevaluate the entire relationship. Maybe he is not as commited as you are, maybe you like him more than viceversa, ...and most of all , THINK if you can and want to stay with someone you cannot trust and always have to check and doublecheck on.
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A
female
reader, Rebeccaa +, writes (7 June 2012):
Rebeccaa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou, and I'm acctually not sure if i trust him there has been other 'mistakes' he has made in the past, and he has had excuses for them too. I do believe that nothing happend and what he is telling me did happen that night is the truth, that she came in the room and asked him to leave me for her and he said no and stormed out crying. I believe that. But not sure if I believe him when he says he only said don't know in the messages to be nice.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 June 2012):
You have separate issues, with her and with him.
Her... I would not worry at all about what she says. She is just jealous, can't you see ? After all, you have got what she wants but does not have - your bf. The girl also is on drugs , sort of a lost cause in general, and I've got the feeling that the bit about the " real girl " alludes to some higher level of sexual experience in her. Pfui- you can just ignore her.
As for him, it's all a matter of TRUST. Do you trust him, can you trust him, did he ever give you any other reason not to ?... How's your relationship in general ,beside this episode ?
It's all about trust, I can't tell you if he is telling you the truth or not. To me , tbh, his excuse sounds totally lame, it's not nasty saying "back off " to unwanted advances, and anyway his priority should be his relationship, not being extra nice to his parents' friends. Then again, maybe I am too harsh, it's also true that your bf at his age won't be such a smooth man-about-town and won't have much dating and social experience.
If you trust him, yes, forgive and forget, it was a mistake in good faith. If you don't trust him, well, you may want to start thinking why you are dating a guy whom you can't trust, without mutual trust relationships are doomed.
I see you have more trouble with the forget part than with the forgive, and it's natural, but you will forget if you make a willing effort to let it go ,like, never bringing up the episode again if you have an argument, and focusing on all the GOOD things in your r/ship.
Just sit down your bf ONCE and tell him that if he cares about your relationship he must prioritize it over other stuff ,like having his ego stroked, or not wanting to rub anybody the wrong way. You can accept ONCE that he confused his priorities,- and no more than once. And encourage open communication, tell him that if there's a problem of any nature he can tell you anything,sincerely and at once, and you will not freak out ( but then, you have to do it : not freaking out :).
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A
female
reader, Rebeccaa +, writes (6 June 2012):
Rebeccaa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo what do I do? Forgive him and forget? Because I'm really not sure this has been on my mid for a while and it won't go away, if he would have said a straight and simple no it Probobly wouldn't have bothered me. But i don't know, if i should forgive him how do I forget about it? It's also the things she said about me, I mean if I'm not a real girl what the hell is she?!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 June 2012):
Cool. Benefit of the doubt, like I said :). We can give him that, since he's young and it's the first "offence".
Anyway I hope that by now both he and you realize that if there's a woman interfering with your relationship, it's HIS job to put her back in her place, not his parents' or his brother's or whomever's.
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A
female
reader, Rebeccaa +, writes (6 June 2012):
Rebeccaa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou I know I did think that, my step mum also said that, but he was going to tell me because he rang me and told me we needed to talk and thats when i looked on his Facebook, and saw these messages, but he should have said no straight away.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 June 2012):
What, he said " dunno " ?! To be...nice ? AFTER she makes a scene and says she loves him ?....
That takes the cake . I want to give him the benefit of doubt, because he is so young and probably not very adroit in this kind of situation. Otherwise I ( and you ) should have to think that he enjoyed being hit on, that he lapped up the attention and / or was going to keep her on the back burner just in case, and that he was never going to tell you anything if you had not caught him.
If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at HIM, not at his parents!
Again, I am sure that it's not that the parents root for the other girl or want to embarass you. Simply ( and reasonably ) they refuse to see this as a major, earth shattering event . Not a drama, but a faux pas that should not be allowed to be blown out of proportions and disrupt their social life.
You are not going to be involved in any " drama ", because it's only going to be a drama if you make it one.
Your choice. I'd go, and show the girl that I am self confident and secure about my relationship, and that her pathetic antics never fazed me. If you don't feel comfortable going to this event, or others in future, then don't go - but then ,you'll be the one making drama of something that with a little aplomb can be handled and forgotten soon.
I'd keep an eye on that bf , though : " I dunno " ! Mmmpff!
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A
female
reader, Rebeccaa +, writes (5 June 2012):
Rebeccaa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh and this public scene happened before she sent him some messages saying when we going to talk?
And also of we're going to be history, in a few years why am I being dragged into it? I've done nothing wrong, and nothing to desere it.
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A
female
reader, Rebeccaa +, writes (5 June 2012):
Rebeccaa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I agree he should have said that to her but he didn't and I asked him why he didn't, he just said he doesn't know when they can tell and then she asked if she had a chance and he said " dunno" and i asked him why he did not just say sorry no its not being nasty, but some reason he saw it as being nasty, and didn't want to cause any more family drama by being nasty to her. So he just said dunno which I feel wasn't right but I didn't want to force him to say a straight no ( which he did in the end) if it was going to cause kay os between him and his brother and dad.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 June 2012):
Yes I would. Because those are their parents ; your bf's and Brad's too. If my son had a brother, I'd HATE see a rift opening between them just because of some, well, no offence, but- teen drama. You see what happened like a major big deal, the ultimate big deal, and I don't blame you, if I were your age and in your shoes, maybe I'd see it too as a crime of lese majesty : what ! being asked to a family event where there is going to be a girl who dared try and steal my bf !
But, they are older and they see it differently. They know that you guys are 20 and under so in few years , well, again no offence, but frankly quite probably both you and Brad's gf plus daughter will all be history, romantically speaking. While the two guys will be brothers forever and it's always sad , and wrong, seeing disharmony and coldness created between brothers, just because of some girl. First things first, so they are playing it cool and refusing to add to the drama.
As a matter of fact, it's your bf who's a bit of a doofus and did not handle the situation with enough clarity and firmness. It's not that difficult to turn down a woman ( or a man ) in no uncertain terms. " Sorry I am not interested, and, don't you ever talk shit about my gf behind her back, I don't appreciate it . I don't wish you to hit on me ,so stop it right now ". That should have been his immediate, I'd say authomatic response to her message; I wonder how come he did not think of that and had to wait for a public scene to stop her in her tracks.
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