A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm dating this guy who I think doesn't outright lie, but does twist the truth. I'm the sort of person who likes the truth without any white lies. It's obvious he cares about me deeply, though, and his bull is usually designed to make him look better in my eyes, and about tiny things. For instance earlier in the relationship I asked if he had ever been to any strip clubs and he said never. Later on it came out that he had gone once or twice but didn't like them. In another instance, before he knew I liked cats he said they were disgusting and filthy. After I showed him a video of a cat on youtube, he said he should get one. But I could tell that he just said it so I would get excited about him. He would actually get a cat and feed it, etc. just so I would like him more, and not because he cared anything about the cat. Basically he continually twists his past and his likes/dislikes into ones he thinks I'd like. He has allowed me to know about some of his serious issues, though, like a loan he cosigned on and his ex decided not to pay. But one time he left a notebook out with a very general list of "things to change" which he got very upset that I saw. There wasn't anything really personal on the list; it was generic things like "buy a house" and "gain weight." He did not want to talk about his list in any way. That really confuses me, but I feel it is related. In other ways, he doesn't act like a huge player--I think he lies because of low self esteem. I do feel like I am important to him, but sometimes these lies feel like blatant manipulation. Because of this, I don't usually get to see what he really feels is important, or what really gets him excited. My question is, why would somebody do this? Should I be worried? Isn't the best part of a serious relationship sharing yourself, i.e. your likes and ideas, with somebody? I know for a fact he is not with me for sex, so I really don't understand his reluctance to really open up or his desire to appear "better" to me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Kenj  +, writes (8 March 2010):
 Yes I think you have already worked out the answer to this, and thats because of low self esteem because he feels inadequate for you. Hes playing the part of his ideal self which he thinks is what you want to see.
Its a psycological problem which probably wont ever go away, like an OCD.
It could stem from past relationships or his childhood.
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