A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I split up about two weeks ago, and he still has some of my stuff at his place. I have asked for these things to be retuned, and a week ago I got some of them, but not the most important ones. Last meeting ended up with a fight as he revealed he had looked through some of my things that I never gave him permission to (personal documents), and so the fight spiraled on. Amongst other things he said I should be nice to him because he actually bothered to return my belongings, and said that any other guy would have just screwed it and never bothered. That he went out of his way for me.I take this to be quite a threat, but from my impression he still intended to give me the rest of my things at another time. I haven't heard from him in a week though, he won't reply to my messages and I can't call him. Im starting to freak out as Im worried I will never get my things after all? Why would he not reply to my messages? And do you think there's a chance I wont get my things back? They were very personal and private. To top it off he owes me money, which Im not sure I'll ever see either? Any advice on how I can get my things back if he continues to ignore me? Should I try talking to his mother perhaps and see if she can reach him? Or should I just be patient and wait and hope I hear from him... Last comment, after we broke up he sent me this sweet e-mail about how he will always love me and hopes I will change my mind and come back to him. So if that's what he truly wants, could it be he is keeping my things so that I will stick around? I don't get why he would do that.
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female
reader, MsVick  +, writes (28 October 2010):
 You won't see any of that stuff and it could be because he feels he doesn't have to give it to you. He has sex tapes of you? then he figures why should he pay you the money he owes you, you probably won't come after him as long as he can expose you on those tapes.
That email he sent you was to keep your attention focused on him, he sounds like he has some issues and probably the best thing to do is just to forget about him and move on.
Good luck
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 October 2010):
 Yikes, yeah, you want to get that stuff back! Like it or not, you'll need to get a third party involved. I think the police is still your safest bet as far as finding out your rights in this situation. That or doing some research on your own. Good luck. I'm getting the feeling he's going to push this past the bounds of civility. Legal action may be your only recourse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): Believe me, I have been in the same situation before and I have even posted this question here. That was last year.
Anyway, i am quite sure he will hold on to this stuff of yours to control you. Yes, it is case to case basis but if I were you, regardless of his motives, it will be much less consuming if you just let these things go.
How important are these stuff? Are they irreplaceable? Too expensive to lose? If not, just let it go and consider that you already lost it because these things will only give an opportunity to your ex to manipulate you.
I wish i had listened to the advises before coz true enough my ex just tried to control me and did all those things you are describing here. Imagine, it took us another year of roller coaster emotions after we broke up just bcoz I still have some stuff he refuses to return.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): Hello, and thank you for your answer. He never really introduced me to his friends so I barely know any of them that I could ask to get me my things. And as for my own friends, I guess I could try to have them talk to him, but he might as well just ignore them too. Besides I wouldn't want to pull them into it.
As for going to court with it, I am sure the costs of that would be more expensive than I can afford, and I do not think my belongings are valuable enough to bother with that. It's music, some pictures I believe (although I can't remember everything), but most importantly some files that he has on his hard-drive. He stored them for me after my computer crashed, and I wouldn't be able to re-create them. The smaller artifacts I can get by without.
He also has sex tapes of me. And without hearing from him that he will delete them I am quite nervous he will keep them against my will. Although I can never be assured he hasn't copied them.
-OP
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 October 2010):
Either talk to his mother, or take it a step further and see if you can get a court order. May cost money, but it also might scare him into giving your stuff back.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (27 October 2010):
He could be keeping them in hopes you'll be back, or out of spite, or because it forces contact with him, or some reason I can't think of.
You can try to contact his mom. Depending on how much pull she has with her son, she may be willing to convince him to give the stuff back. That is if she's not mad at you for hurting her son. Another way to get your stuff back would be by going to the police. Explain what happened and see if there is any legal recourse you could take to get the items back. A law suit would likely be the only way to get your money back.
The reason he's not replying to your messages is because it gives him power. You need something from him and he can control you to a point because of this. I see this as a power play.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 October 2010):
 He might be holding on to your stuff because he hopes you changes your mind.
Honestly, I would find a neutral third person, that you both know, to pick up the rest. Find a day that works for the ex and whomever you can find to pick it up and get it done.
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