A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Heres the story.. My girlfriend and I were at a bar/dance spot in town with friends yesterday. By the end of the night things got out of control because a few guys started fighting the bouncers. Naturally everyone started rushing to watch the fight until the bouncers started tazing people. My gf and I had a few drinks that night but I was still sober and she was a little "tipsy" but okay. Anyway, when the fight happened I tried to pull her away because it started coming closer towards her and I told her "babe lets go to the front and get my hat and get out of here" and she shrugged her hand away from me and was like "why, its okay." So I just followed her by her friend to make sure she was alright (because its obvious I do care about her). Right after the first fight broke out 3 chicks started fighting each other and the bouncers rushed in once again. So I grabbed my gf and was like "_______, lets just leave" and she basically got so caught up in what was going on with her friend that she ignored me and they were laughing and getting hyper about it and my gf actually tried to record it. So once I saw that I just shook my head and went downstairs myself and saw that she tried to follow me. (FYI: My twin sister was at this bar/club and I went past my friends and even my sister to make sure my gf was alright). She asked me what was wrong and I told her "I'm trying to get us out of a dangerous situation and you're ignoring me as if this is all fun and games." And she was like "I'm sorry babe" and I tell her "It's cool, just be more aware of what is going on." Soon after that a 3rd fight broke out in the lobby while we were leaving..my friends got into an argument with the bouncers so I rush to calm the situation down and a guy that was fighting another guy said he was leaving and coming back with his piece(i.e a gun) so my gf got scared and we ended up leaving with our friends. When we got to the car I'll admit I was a little upset about how my gf basically was ignoring me while I was trying to get us to safety and she saw that I was upset and apologized again. While she did that one of my friends came back and told me they could not find their brother so me and him walked back to find him. When I got there I turned around to see that my gf followed me back to the place because her friend said I was going to get into a fight. The bouncer would only let one of us in so I let my friend go to find him while I stayed outside with my gf and her friend just in case I saw him. While we were outside we saw the one the guys that was fighting previously in the bar with like 6 other guys angry and looking for the man he was fighting (he was also the one that said he was going back to get a piece). They looked like they were planning to jump him or do something else, so I let them pass me minding my own business and then my girlfriend says to the guys "What are yall even fighting for??, Do you even KNOW why you are fighting??" and starts laughing. And me and her female friend look at her like why would you say that?! While walking away one of the guys says "How about you mind your own f**king business" with the other guys agreeing. When that happened I told her to just go to the car because she's putting herself in harms way saying reckless stuff like that. She ends up getting pissed off at me saying I'm annoying her and she's been by herself before, she's okay. And I tell her I understand that but what you have to realize is that I am your bf and if you get hit or somebody says something to you I'm going to react and I am trying to prevent anything from happening. Too much is going on and I am trying to get us away from the situation. When I say that she gets upset and says she'll just drive home (I came with my friends). We end up getting into an argument at her car about it and I get pissed because she is not realizing what was going on so I slammed her car door shut. Quickly realizing and cooling off I go back to her car and tell her, babe, all I was trying to do tonight was get us to safety and I just hope you can realize that and she was like you didnt have to slam my car door and I dont care, I just want to go home. She came with her friends so I told her to wait for them but she wanted to leave because of me. My question is...Was I wrong in this situation? When the rest of the night I was trying to protect her? I do admit I should have never slammed her door and I did apologize but I been patiently trying to get her away from danger all night and she kept putting herself in it. I honestly, thought it was kind of selfish that she couldn't realize that somebody that loves her was trying to get her to safety. But today is a new day and I want to call her later and talk about it but I don't know what to say without making her feel I'm attacking her in any way. What should I say to her about it? How could I make her understand where I was coming from? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Wise Woman of the Forest  +, writes (27 June 2010):
 I can understand both points. She didn't want to leave because she was having fun and you, being a good boyfriend, wanted to get her out of harm's way. I'm sure she would have been fine had you just kept a close eye on her. The fact that she had been drinking often adds to stubborness. Neither of you were wrong and I'm sure she sees that you were just trying to keep her safe, but feels you perhaps ruined her night. Just give her time to relax and unwind and she'll forgive you.
A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (26 June 2010):
 Some girls are a bit jealous of the fact that guys can defend themselves better than them, and worry that their boyfriends see them as weak, or incapable of looking after themselves. Maybe she had a really sheltered, safe childhood, and wanted to take a risk to prove to herself, or to have some excitement and not feel left out. She probably just got jealous and wanted to prove her strength/bravery/whatever. She was stupid to provoke things though. You were not in the wrong at all. She does have to face facts. You did what you did because you love her and wanted to protect her and she should be really grateful for it. How would she like it if she put herself in danger and you did nothing about it?
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (26 June 2010):
Hmm, I guess in order to understand why she acted the way she did, I'd have to know her.
That said, though not all girls need to be protected, it seems like the ones that do are also the ones putting themselves into harms way. I've been practising martial arts for 10 years. I know how to handle myself, but I wouldn't stay at a barfight, especially when someone mentions "coming back with a piece". You were right to get her out. I would appreciate your reaction if you were my boyfriend.
But, it's like with disasters. People with training know it's not safe to go out there, tourists go because it's another event to put in their photo album or youtube. Strange, but that seems to be the way it is. Worse, they get excited. Which further diminishes their ability to use their brains.
You seem to have a good gut instinct. She doesn't. She seems rather naive and because she thinks she isn't she gets annoyed with you. Which in turn makes you angry because you want to get her out of there.
I would talk it out with her once and for all. She needs to realize what potential danger she was in AND she was putting you and your friends in as well.
She doesn't need to get paranoid (another bad reaction of an inexperienced person) but she needs to be able to recognise potentially dangerous situations. I would ask her to sit down and just listen to what you're about to say without interrupting you. Then tell her exactly what you saw, explain WHY it was dangerous. Then ask her what she thinks of the way she reacted to that. She should be able to see her errors without you having to shove them in her face.
After that just joke around a bit, show her everything is fine and that you're not going to stay angry. And whatever you do in the future, don't keep holding it against her. I'm not saying you're the kind of person who does that, but I don't know you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Accountable +, writes (26 June 2010):
 She might have felt you were being over-protective for no reason, is that a trend in your relationship? Certainly until she actively involved herself by making that stupid comment late in the night, she didn't need to be herded out of the bar. It sounds like she feels like you think of her as a defenceless little girl who needs your protection, and she would rather be seen as a capable woman who can handle herself. Sometimes when men are like that it can seem like they don't respect you; like they think you are a fragile thing incapable of looking after yourself.
That being said, I don't think it sounds like you did anything hugely wrong; I completely understand the protective instinct, and it is sweet that you feel that for her. I am just trying to explain how she may have been feeling, particularly if she was "tipsy" as you say, so not thinking quite straight. I'd give her a bit of space for now and let it blow over, and make sure she knows that you do know she's a strong woman who can take care of herself. Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo she wasn't drunk at all, she knew where she was and what was going on. I been with her for almost 4 years so I know she wasn't for a fact.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 June 2010):
 Your girl is in the wrong here, in my opinion. It might be she has been around the block a few times before, but she sounds rather naive. Just because something hasn't happened to her yet, doesn't mean she should continue to provoke a mob... And yes, she was provoking them by yelling after them like she did, that was stupid of her.
However, she might have been tipsy. I wonder why you'd let her drive while influenced by alcohol? If she wasn't tipsy she is just reckless. She might have felt safe because she had you and her friends with her. But she was putting you all in a dangerous position. She should realize this is not only about her, but about how her actions can affect the safety of you all.
I think you should give it a little more time before you talk to her about this again. See her and talk to her about all other things, but not this. See if she will bring up the subject herself. And then stay calm when you talk to her.
Is she usually like this? How long have you dated? If she is one to act like this normally, she might not be the right girl for you. You can not keep her away from these clubs, or from acting this way. When she is alone with friends you can not protect her. Nor is it your job, she is an adult and needs to protect herself. If she cannot do that she will always make you concerned and worried. It will be very hard on you in the long run. Dating someone who keeps putting themselves in harms way is not for everyone. Realize your limitations. You can not protect her. And if you can not rest assured she will watch out for herself, and be fine with how she acts on her own, then you will always be worried. And that is not good for you either.
...............................
|
