A
female
age
36-40,
*b0721
writes:My fiance and I have been together for 4 yrs now and have two young children together, one just two months. I recently found him on a website and his profile shows single looking to meet. i also found pics of another girl, some nude, on his phone. She is someone he used to always say bad things about and said she was nasty. Shes much larger than me and I dont think shes attractive at all. So why is he wanting pictures? We have a great time together, he constantly compliments me, says he is the luckiest man in the world and he will never leave me because Im the best thing thats ever happened to him. We split up once for similar problems and he begged for months to be back together. Am i doing something wrong? I truly dont think the communication with her or others, if any, goes beyound cyberworld (i.e. phone, internet) as he isnt gone other than to work on the most part and she lives an hour away. Im so confused because I love him more than anything but I dont know how to handle this. Should I stay or should I go?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): cyber cheats never die,just find sneakier ways not to get caught and then blame their partners. you dont need this shit in your life.
A
female
reader, tb0721 +, writes (13 October 2011):
tb0721 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Our sex life is actually good...it was the usual for some time but for a while now Ive tried to do things differently for him. We had a long talk about this and I think maybe he feels the need to still know he has "game" for lack of better words at his age. he swears he doesnt have a desire to ever make it physical and doesnt know why he even did what he did but says maybe he does have a problem. I know deep down he truly loves me, I just hope that Im not making a wrong decision by wanting to try counseling and work it out...i really wont be able to handle it again. I set rules too with his ph, comp etc so that nothing is hidden and is fully accessible. Praying for a positive outcome otherwise its back to my parents the kids and I go...I appreciate all the feedback and responses, this is an amazing website to be able to get others opinion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): Its time to ask him for a commitment. Is he ready to get married and actually take that step to show his love?How is your sex life? maybe you two can work on spicing it up!the good thing is that he doesn't wanna stay without you. it seems he is attached to you, so i would advice to work on your sex life and do new things together. some men after 4 or five years of a relationship start getting bored and getting interested in orgys and pornographic things. this is the area where you have to work together on if you both wanna stay together.wish u best of luck!
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female
reader, bebe87 +, writes (12 October 2011):
 Of course it’s hard! It isn’t meant to be easy, but the longer you prolong it the worse it will get. My dad always told me, “you can never make the right decision when you are all tangled up in it” so take a break from him AWAY, with your parents or whatever you can do. And really “Think” what is most important to you, staying with him but be emotionally drained and ripped of all your feelings or letting him go because you really are stronger than you could ever imagine, right now you are just weak but you have to find it in you the little hope you may have for yourself healing right now. Do what is best for you and your children!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): It is hard to leave the one you love, and give up on the life you've built.
If he is willing to go to counceling this is what you both need to understand:
1) Counseling gives you the tools of change. Just like going to AA or taking a medication. It offers you a tool. That doesn't make it a cure.
2) He must take the tools he learns and use them to change. He has to want this fully.
3) In order to change, using the tools themselves doesn't always work. It is like any addiction. He needs to fully admit he is at fault. He needs to fully believe that he has allowed himself to become powerless, and he needs to regain that power.
In fact, he probably needs to see an addiction therapist, maybe join a support group. This is a long, hard road to recover from. It isn't going to be magical over night. I mean, this could be years for him to recover. And sometimes people relapse over and over. Sometimes the people hurt need to walk away.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 October 2011):
 Counseling can help people work through their feelings, but it's not a magical wand that will go "poof" and he will never ever even think about doing it.
For him to stop, he has to admit, get help and work HARD on not doing it. HE HAS TO DO THIS on his own. YOU can not fix it. It's like any other "addiction" the person doing it needs to be the person making the changes. I don't see your guy changing. You forgave him in the past, so I think he assumes you will in the future.
I understand that you love him, but stop a minute and look at his actions. Is that really a guy you want to be married to?
You know the expression, better the devil I know? I think that is part of your problem. Starting over seems way more scary then living with this.
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female
reader, tb0721 +, writes (12 October 2011):
tb0721 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am reading the responses and although I know leaving would be the right thing to do why am I having such a hard time?? I used to be a much stronger person and he found all my weaknesses...i fell hard for him and quickly four yrs ago. I confronted him and he broke down admitting he has a problem, but can counseling really fix it? I want so desperately for this to work...but Im in so much pain emotionally its hard to stop thinking about it. I guess part of me doesnt want to move in with family part time as I know he wouldnt stay away from our house permanently if I told him to leave. Hes an amazing father and my oldest who is only 2 would be crushed not seeing daddy as often as my parents are the only ones I would be able to go to and they dont get along. God, the desire to be emotionless is overwhelming!
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male
reader, tby1  +, writes (11 October 2011):
 well, ill join in as ive been the arsehole doing similar. i have absolutely know idea why i risked my whole life and future messing about. i got caught and made a laugh of it, got away with it so to speak and then done it again. ive always been told i was good looking and although i wouldnt have gone further played up to it i suppose, lost what was important in my mind and just didnt use my brain properly. theres only so many times you can mess around before enought is enough and although its destroyed me and my life, well what have i done to hers and the kids. she did the right thing ending it, cos it would probably have gone on, and who knows may have gone further even though i say it wouldnt. its taken losing my life, my woman, my kids, my home, then my jobs for me to grow up and actually realise. i love them, i miss them and pray that she sees the better in me, ive been to counselling alone,we worked thru my stupid behaviour and wont ever make the mistakes again. i dont want anybody else, same as i never have, just her. the woman i love. my advice to you is be strong like she was, get him to go, and hope he changes like i have done. but unlike her, perhaps you can give him a chance when your ready. best wishes.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
 There's an interesting thread from another "tb" here, from the cheating guys perspective: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/emotional-affairs.html
Reading that post may not answer your title question but perhaps it would show some of the motivation behind it?
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female
reader, bebe87 +, writes (11 October 2011):
GO! As fast as you can. Sounds like he is keeping you at his desire only until something better will come along his way. He is online saying he is single ready to meet someone. This sounds like a disaster of a relationship just waiting to erupt. Sounds like you deserve much better. How will you ever trust him? Things don’t get better as time goes on, can you and do you want to be dealing with this kind of stuff forever? Again, I would go!!!!! No question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): This is disrespectful, and you've said he's already done this before. He will keep doing it if you stay. Although you broke up with him before, you took him back. That whole "I promise to change" isn't truthful a lot of the time with cheaters (and he is a cheater, even if it is cyber-sex, because he talks to this girl.) The only way he can stop is to want to stop, to make himself stop, to admit he has a problem, and get help!
I would tell him that if he is the "luckiest man" to have you, then he will attend counseling with you. Don't marry him now, give it some time to see if he can stop. If he can't stop, then don't marry him and leave. I know it is hard, but you can't change someone and if he refuses or sees no problems with his behavior... then you deserve better!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
You're not doing anything wrong. He is the one who can't seem to stop his hurtful behavior and I think if you haven't been to counseling it's time to go.
I think some guys just want the thrill and the sleaze of it adds to it. Kind of sad, really.
I would take him back only on condition of successfully completely counseling together. If he doesn't show, I would go. That means, I would go to counseling without him and then I would probably leave him entirely.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 October 2011):
You are not doing anything wrong. He CHOSES to talk to other women and get naked pictures - honestly he has no respect for your feelings.
I can't tell you to stay or go, personally I would leave. This behavior is NOT going to change once you get married - a ring on the finger is not going to give him morals.
His actions speaks louder then words. And to me his actions screams I'm single.
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