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Why is he suddenly acting so cruel?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Teenage, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 October 2009) 3 Answers - (Newest, 16 March 2010)
A age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Just want to know why guys do this!!

After a long term relationship in which we were completely in love and going to get married, he calls off the relationship out of the blue. Cheating and abuse of any kind were not involved.

He cries and sulks for a year even after no contact, begs me back four times, and then freaks out again. we meet up for closure which goes well but he refuses to hug me and after i want to meet just to say goodbye and give him a letter he refuses. He then proceeds to act like a complete jerk.

This guy was the love of my life, never disrespected me ever, not even when we were fighting.

He claims he doesnt love me anymore, which is fine, but why is he acting so rude? HE hurt me, HE broke up with me, HE messed everything up. All i want is to stop feeling this pain, I just cant seem to comprehend why he is acting this way when I know he's usually a sweet guy. I didnt cheat on him, or purposely hurt him, I did everything I could to be there for him, and after all the pain he's put me through the least he could do is not be so cruel.

Why do guys, who once were willing to die for the woman they love, suddenly start acting so cruel?

View related questions: broke up

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010):

Sweetheart, I am so happy for you that you have a new relationship and with a man who knows what he wants, YOU. He is mature enough to committ to you, and he understands what real love is.

I am sorry that you can't move past what happened with your ex. You are not the first woman who has gone through a man who has acted this way, you won't be the last.

The thing that helped me when going through losing my first love, the person who I thought was the love of my life and dumped me out of the blue with no explanation, and then started a relationship immediately with another girl and even married her, and divorced her 5 years later, and was very mean to me and even cruel after breaking up with me was that I actually ran into him some 15 years later after his divorce and he was at that time newly engaged. The first thing out of his mouth when seeing me was, I am so sorry that I hurt you. It wasn't your fault, I just didn't know who I was back then and it cost me a wife and it cost me you.

The thing that most helped me was reading this book, "The Road Less Traveled", by M. Scott Peck. That book made me understand what love really is. It isn't that fall in love forever bill of goods that we are sold as kids, in fact it isn't a "feeling" at all. Yes being in love is about good feelings and being with someone that we feel happy around, but that isn't love. That is "cathexis" which is a feeling that involves dependency but not actual love. Real and lasting love begins after this honeymoon period ends, it is about Action and inolves commitment. Mostly it is a conscious Decision to be a person worthy of love and putting the other person's needs above our own most of the time. We are not talking about codependency here, but actually the work and life of love.

We are not meant to always be with the person that we fall in love with long term, because they are not the right person for us, but if they are then it makes sense to commit to love, a life with that other person.

Here is a one page blog written by a woman that talks about this concept in simple terms. I think if you actually read the book and stick with it through it's dry spells, you will come away with a deepr understanding about love and life. You will understand that this had nothing to do with you not being a loving, lovable person, but everything to do with your ex's inability to become committed to was his decision and yes he based it on emotional reasons which cannot be explained away with logic, so your searching for closure and getting answers from him is an excercise in futility. You are going to have to come to acceptance of his choice and let it go.

You need to open your heart to your new man, you must have because you are still there, and you need to forgive yourself because you did not fail here, you went through a loss, but look at where it led you to. Don't throw that away, you may have actually found "love". So many people never do, they go through life looking for butterflies.

Butterflies die after a very short life. Be the caterpillar and transform your life instead.

Take care, doll.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you rhythmandblues2 for your response. Im so sorry it has taken me this long to write you back. It's just that what you said really got to me. It hasn't left my mind since I read it and I've been trying to process everything.

I thought with time that I would be able to heal and move past this. It's been over a year now and I still find myself in a tangled mess. Im so confused and I feel like I will never find closure. I have a new boyfriend now who loves me so deeply that he has even proposed. I have known him since we were kids, my whole life he has just been waiting for the right time to tell me how he feels. He knows everything about my ex and he is still willing to help me work through it.

I turned down his proposal, because I feel like it is all too soon. I also just found out that my ex is now going to be attending a university in the same city as me this fall. His best friend is transferring to mine in the fall as well. So I am bound to run into him.

I was doing so well. I thought I was moving on with my bf but I just feel horrible all over again. I don't think Im strong enough to see my ex again and my bf can feel me holding back from him a lot.

I want answers I can never have. I want closure that doesn't exist. And deep down I still haven't let go of the hope that we will work out in the end. You seem to be very insightful about these things. Im so young and inexperienced, I don't know what to do or how to process all these conflicting feelings. Any more advice would be appreciated greatly. - holdingon05

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009):

Well, when you figure the answer out please let me know then I can write a book and become rich. I don't know what makes a guy who once love you decide to be cruel.

The only thing that I can come up with is they still have strong feelings for you and they know they aren't ready to take your relationship (or any relationship for that matter) to the next level and when it gets to a certain point and they can't go further or commit all that is left to do in their mind is to break up. It makes them mad at themselves and because they are little boys and can't cry, it is a whole lot easier to act like a first class jerk.

Hate is pretty close to love, so he acts as if he now hates you, and maybe he even believes he does.

But if he didn't really care about you he would simply be indifferent and not be any certain way. That said it is time to move on from him and stop having contact if he can't be nice, it is just going to continue to make you feel bad. I know it is disappointing that he can't be civil and act like a friend, but apparantly he isn't either ready or capable or he really is a first class jerk.

I don't know the man, but that is all I got. You figure anything else out that is the one truth on that one, please, please let me know. By the way, I am in my 50's so men don't get any better with age on this one. People are just freakin' strange.

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