A
female
age
51-59,
*mmm711
writes:I've been in a relationship for over 12 years with someone I love very much but he refuses to marry me.The last time I brought up the topic he responded "we don't need to get married...what for? To get divorce." I know that the relationship is far from perfect but the fact that we've stayed together and have a 6year old daughter tells me that something is working. Sex and money are probably the only two things we never fight about... Your advice would be appreciated.
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female
reader, hmmm711 +, writes (21 December 2007):
hmmm711 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your insightful messages... "Why pay for the cow if he's getting the milk for free really resonates. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): Ask yourself just what exactly you want from this relationship. Is it going the way you want it to.Talk to him and explain just what you want from it all and him. If you want marriage and it isnt coming then do your really love him, if the answer is yes, then you may have to accept that marriage is never going to happen. If you dont love him then move on and find yourself someone who you so rightly deserve.
take care
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): Words don't work that well with men...you will have better results and will find out what you really need to know if you ask him to move out, stop having sex with him and tell him you need to move on as you deserve to be married, and frankly so does he...men live longer when they are married than when they stay single. You have nothing to feel ashamed for wanting to marry him, but 12 years is a long time without this sort of commitment out of him, even more important because there is a child involved.
Your bf lacks motivation, giving him insight into why you want what you want and why he doesn't when he is not ready to listen to it, will only make him even more resistant, and frankly why should he buy the cow when he gets the milk for free? You have to manage his lack of motivation with your own behavior, you cannot change him bottom line, you can only change yourself...you would be best to come to this realization and also realize that you need to be expensive, a woman of value to him.....tell him he can move back in with you, have sex with you when he buys you, don't explain what this means, he will get it, he already does. How do you expect him to change if you don't light a fire under him by distancing yourself and going after what you want. You will find out this way just how commited he is to you, if he isn't and won't give you a marriage proposal, then great, you won't be wasting 12 years and one more day.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (20 December 2007):
Hmmm sounds like your bf has a negative attitude towards marriage. Are his parents divorded? have many people close to him been divorced? If so, this may be why he is like this. When people you love alot get divorced it can hrut and it can destroy any faith u may of had in marriage...I think you really have to sit down and talk wiht him in a calm manner in detail about why he is against marriage. Sounds to me like its nothing personal towards you, more so just his view towards marriage, so it woudlnt matter who he was with, he probably wouldnt be too keen on it. While talking to him, explain why marriage is so important to you and perhaps you guys can find some middle ground to meet on. Hope this has helped and i hope it works out well for the two of you, whether that be married or not.
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