A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm just a little confused here. We've been together 3 years and have a 16 month old daughter. We have a pretty good relationship other than our never ending battle about his porn. We started our relationship with him saying that all he wanted was honesty. I've always been faithful and truthful about everything and so has he except for when it comes to naked women. Now, I never cared about him having porn to the extent that I would make him get rid of it until I found a tape of him and his ex. I asked him to get rid of it for me because not only was I having his child but it really made me feel insecure. He said he would but didn't. I found it again unpacking from moving into our new place. So I broke it and cut up the tape and threw it away. He got so angry that he copied it onto one of my vhs tapes (he had a miniature tape from the video recorder that i didn't know about) and tried to hide it. When I found it the third time (I had our daughter by this time) I demanded he record over every tape I thought might have it on it in front of me or I would leave. So he did and since then has always lied about porn (buying porn, looking at porn, borrowing porn, downloading porn, etc.) and seeing strippers(which I have to be fair he only did this once). It got to the point where I didn't want it around and he got rid of his videos, magazines, and pictures. It wasn't easy and took a long time but he did it and now, he barely looks at naked women online and never anywhere else. Happy ending right? Well, now the few pictures here and there are of younger women but they're ugly. I don't consider myself a model or anything but these women are just hideous and none of them look anything like me. I guess what I want to know is, why does he look at them when he can look at me? i'm 120lbs 5'3" blue eyes red red hair. I mean why go to eat pork chops when you got steak at home?
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his ex, insecure, porn, stripper Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): The problem is the fact that you became extremely (and justifiably) sensitized to pornography because of the tape with his ex.
That was wrong of him, and I agree with your stand on this, but I think you need to cut him some slack on pornography in general. His liking for pornography is obviously not going to go away, and the quicker you can start to accept this in him the better it will be for you. Otherwise you're only going to make yourself miserable. and probably end up breaking up with him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): regardless of what diovonlestat says , mens SHOULD be satisified with the bodies and sex from their partners.....to take that wonderful gift of love and then want to look elsewhere for sexual stimulation is EXTREMELY disrespectful....there is simply NO EXCUSE
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): "Just watch the attack we get from the pro porn men and women who are brainwashed by them (thats if this even gets posted)" Ms anonymous 27th September 2008
Dear Ms anonymous, I have to keep reminding you that this is a site to help people with relationship problems. How dose your advice help this young mother, how dose it make her happier and more secure in her relationship? You still haven't managed to stop feeling angry at men, and that's why I keep trying to reason with you.
"can assure you mosy men are very selfish and expect women to pump out a familiy for them and look like Jenna whatever her name is.....whilst still wacking off to someone else..." Ms anonymous 27th September 2008
Most men are not selfish, they are human beings too and worthy of our respect. Relationships between Men and women shouldn't be a competition of "win or loose" it should be a situation of "I win, you win and we can be happy together"
"most of them spend so much time wishing we looked like porn stars that they render themselves incapable of healthy committed respectful relationships with women...." Ms anonymous 27th September 2008
I've never met a man who wanted the woman he loved to look like a porn queen. But of course there are some, just as there are many millions of men that hate pornography and find it disgusting. Many millions of people all over the world, both men and women look at porn, which is a legal activity in many countries. They also manage to develop "committed, respectful and happy relationships" There is no guaranteed link between porn and unhappiness.. You are very angry with men, and because of that I feel very sorry for you.
This lady has made it clear, she never had a problem with porn until she found that he also had tapes of his ex girlfriend. This is the issue in this case, and she is perfectly right to get upset if he is looking at videos of his ex partner.
Dear Ms anonymous poster, some people can live on pork chops every day even though they got steak, some people hate it pork chops and some people are vegetarians, that's the way the world works. We are all different. But to tell the truth this is not the the point with pornography. It's got nothing at all to do with reality, it is just pure fantasy. Many women feel uncomfortable with pornography and they believe that a man is comparing their partners with the women they see. This is not the case, on the whole the reality of their partner, love, or even attractiveness doesn't come into at all.. It's like reading a fairy tale. It's mostly the sexual activity that turns people on, not the way the actors and actresses look like at all. You ask "why are the porn actresses uglier than me", some women ask "why are they prettier than me", some ask "why dose he look at black women, fat women, women with penises.." There is no rhyme or reason, that's just what excites him when he wishes to use fantasy. It's got nothing to do with your attractiveness/lack of attractiveness at all...
I have included some relevant links that might explain things better than I have. I hope you find it helpful and you and your partner manage to come to some agreement about what is suitable in a relationship.. Looking at naked sexy video's of a ex-partner would upset me too.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/can-men-please-tell-me-why-they-watch.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-men-who-have-georgeous-girlfriends-still-fantasize.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2008): I love your comment about why they would need pork chops when they have steak at home.....its sooooo true...men make out that it is us, their real life living wives and girlfriends that they find most beautiful and that the porn means nothing to them, however if it were true then porn would look like real life wives and girlfriends and guess what felllas we have babies and sags and stretch marks that go with them......I am yet to see ONE mainstream porn mag or website with women like that....sure you can find fat porn or mature porn or whatever BUT its considered fetish!!!!!listen sweetie Ive been around for a few years and can assure you mosy men are very selfish and expect women to pump out a familiy for them and look like Jenna whatever her name is.....whilst still wacking off to someone else....Fact is, they consider the wife or girlfriend to be the pork chop and the porn look chicks as the steak.....most of them spend so much time wishing we looked like porn stars that they render themselves incapable of healthy commited respectful relationships with women....Steak to them is an underfed blonde 20yr old with a set of implants and a bad drug habit and pork chops are the real like healthy weight female with real breasts and the scars of motherhood............but please remember.......Do they deserve us? are porn using men worthy of real women?...HELL NO!They know it too, on a deep level....just watch the attack we get from the pro porn men and women who are brainwashed by them (thats if this even gets posted)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): anon writer what a poor excuse you used saying men needed to look at other women sometimes,i am a man and i find no reason to look at other women unless your disatisfied with your female partner i find it damned right rude and disrespectful
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): well, some times men just need to look at someone else, It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or find you attractive some times been are like that. I don't think it's some thing to be too censured about unless you fine another tape with him and someone else. Why don't you ask him why he needs to look at other women?
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