A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My mum HATES my sisters boyfriend for cheating. But shes still good friends with my rapist. I just dont understand it, my sisters boyfriend has been cheating on her and staying out all night. Leaveing her to look after to kids. And she absolutely hates him for what hes doing to her, as she said that if anyone hurts her kids they have her to answer to her. But her best friends husband forcefully raped me when i was 12 years old, and abused me all through my childhood, since i was really young. I cant remember a time in my entire childhood when he wasnt abusing me. But my mum is still friends with him, shes knows all about it. I tried to report him to the police, I had to go in for a video interview before they could take it any furthur , she called me a slut and said everyone would hate me if it came out. I hope you dont think im being selfish, but i thought that the man that raped me was more of a bad person that my sisters boyfriend. Why does she hate him but not the man raped me. He hurt me and she never even spoke to him about it, not even to tell him to stop it. I eventually had to glue myself to my dad or my mum whenever we went to there house, i just stayed by there side. I suppose i should have done that in the first place, but when i tried to stop it he would be moody and everyone would ask me what i had said to him. They said I must have enjoyed it if I didn't tell anyone, but i just couldnt. I guess my question is, why doesnt she care that he raped me? She cares that my sisters boyfriend cheated on her. But why dosnt she care about what happended with me ? She says to me that she doesnt want to talk about it or tells me to stop moaning because i cant change it. But she cant change what my sisters boyfriend has done either. Sorry its so long.
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female
reader, Midge +, writes (8 May 2007):
 Guilt can be a terrible thing to live with. Perhaps her hiring the limo was her way of saying sorry without saying sorry. But the fact that she is still friends with this person defeates the object of attempting to apologize since the pain will still linger.
No matter how much your mum tries to "buy" you, I would still go to the police. As far as I can see, she is trying to buy your silence and the problem with that is, it leaves the door open for someone else to go through this ordeal too. Close that door once and for all! Tell them it happened, even if they wont listen, make sure that they have your statement notorised!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for everyone who replied. It was my birthday recently and my mum hired me a limo and took me out for a big meal. Im so confused.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2007): I am so sorry for what has happened to you. It sounds like your mom is in denial about what happened. It sounds like she thinks is was consentual. This attitude on her part is worse than the rape in some ways. NO PART of the rape was or ever could be your fault NO MATTER WHAT. Please believe that in full. It is not your fault you did not tell someone sooner, look how they acted when you did. There are support groups for rape survivors, I don't know if its possilbe for you to join one but I think it would be helpful. I think your mom is mad about your sister's cheating boyfriend because someone in her past cheated on her, so she is reliving it. Also it may be possible that your rapist has convinced your mom that the sex was mutual. When you are old enough to make your way on your own in this world, I personally would distance myself from such a mother.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2007): Hello Honey
I was abused my Granddad when I was 10 years old. It happened once and it has haunted me since. My Mother believed me and stood by me, but most of my family called me a liar and said that I was making it up. Most of the family fell out with me and my Mum as we reported him to the police. Same as you I had to go for a video interview and medical checks as I was very young and they wanted to see if he had broken anything ( he had – he took my virginity)
My mum and her siblings are now talking, I will never forgive them. If I’m in the same room as them I act as though they don’t exist. You see I was wronged and they didn’t help me. I don’t mind my Mum speaking to them as she stood by me along with my brother and Grandmother. Its her choice to forgive them and I don’t mind that.
I think you need to have a talk with your mum and tell her that SHE’S the one who is wrong and out of order and if she doesn’t believe you; your relationship with her is over. Rape is the worst thing any woman could go through, especially at a young age. Your strong darling, stay strong and don’t ever let anyone tell you that your deserved it or that you lied. Go to the police and tell them, more woman may come forward.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (18 March 2007):
I was raped at 15, and the worst part about the whole ordeal is that my one sister didnt at first believe me. She told me that it wasnt true and that if it was, I must have asked for it. You soon start believing that you did do something unconciously to deserve it. Believe me, you did not ask for it to happen, and am sure that you said NO at least once, if not, more than once. This constitutes rape in any country.Its a hard thing to go through a rape trial, because they dont put the rapist on trial, they put you on trial to prove he did it. Maybe its been a long time, but the first trial I had, I lost because I had washed away the evidence. But I grew stronger with time, and re-opened the case 10 years later. I won that case!You need to go back to the police and tell them that it happened and you want something done about it. In the meantime, if you have somewhere else that you can go stay, go and stay with them. If you mother will not support you, there are A LOT of people out there that are prepared to support you. I live in Scotland and know that there are a lot of places that you can go and people that will help you. Dont give up, this rapist needs to be put behind bars! If he's done it to you, the chances are he will do it to someone else!
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (18 March 2007):
 What happened when you went to the Police about it? Was he charged? You are coming into adulthood now and you have come through this, so well done there, I am very proud of you. You are obviously a strong person. Now, because you're older you need to realise that there has to be a reason why your mum hasn't said much about this. Maybe she went through something similar when she was younger and it brought it all back to her. You don't mention a father figure in your life. Have your mum and dad seperated? It could also be that your mum has had a past relationship with this man, I'm not saying this IS the case but it's another possibility.
Does your sister live with you all? She obviously has her own problems just now and in my opinion she should get rid of her partner once and for all as he will only continue to hurt her but that's another subject.
In the meantime I would try and talk to your mum. Ask her why she wants to brush your rape under the carpet? Don't get mad at her though as you don't know all the facts. It might be a good idea for you to go and see your doctor and tell him about you being raped and ask him if he can have someone talk to you about it. Don't be embarrassed or frightened of going, he/she will welcome you with open arms love and will find someone you can talk all this through with. Talking always helps and anything you say to a counsellor is ALWAYS confidential so no one will ever find out what's said. Maybe your mum would offer to go along with you, if you don't want that then that's fine...
This man can still be charged and put away for what he's done you know. Even 15,20 years on he can still be done for it. I used to work for the Police and have dealt with this sort of problem many times so please don't think it's too late. I'm always here if you need to talk some more about it okay?
Eve
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A
female
reader, agony aunt j +, writes (18 March 2007):
 i will make this brief - your mum is being completely out of order. i mean it would make you angry if your daughters bf was cheating on her, sure, but someting like this? how can't she see that its wrong? i dont know much on this subject but i would say tell someone, a phsycologist, perhaps. I'm glad to know you're being strong about it though, and if you're finding it hard to talk to your mum, then like i said talk to someone else. as i am a very confrontational person, i'd tell him to back off whenever he's around, but i can understand if you find that hard. i honestly hope everything works out ok - dont ever let anyone push you around and if your mum is being so childish about it then she doesn't deserve your respect or trust.
:):)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): I am sorry that your parents are so screwed up, your Mom is totally in denial about this man and what he did to you. I know you are just a child, and that is why they are doing this to you, because they have all of the power and you don't because you are just a kid....this is a form of abuse, and I am so proud of you for recognizing that she is not correct or right in her judgement of you.
In the US, you don't have to be an adult to prosecute a rapist....I don't know what the laws are there, but you may want to look for a child advocay group or seek the help of an attorney to bring this man to trial, but short of that, if you think this is not possible in your current situation, just stay away from your abuser at all costs, and just try and forgive your Mom for not having the ability or the capacity to see him for what he is, and for supporting you, it is terrible, I know, but there is something wrong with HER, not you.
Your Mom, just does not want to deal with your rape, and the fact that it was her best friend's husband, she feels powerless as well would be my guess to do anything to change the past....Sometimes the people who are supposed to support us, just aren't capable of it, and I am sorry for you that your Mom is all talk where your sister's boyfriend is concerned, but she really would never act on this either (anyone who would hurt my kids....), in my opinion.
I hope that you have sought some counseling for what has happened to you, you sound like a strong person, but I still think it would help you a lot to get some rape counseling and or see a therapist, ask your family doctor for a referral, they could help you deal with these family issues as well as process your feelings about being victimized by this man your Mom mistakenly thihks of as a friend.
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A
female
reader, AskChaz +, writes (18 March 2007):
 Dear anoynomous author,
Your mum may have been threatened that if she does not stay friends with him he will do something to her. Maybe there is something else going on that you dont quite understand. Anyway you should ask her right out and ask her in private while her male friend is gone.
From AskChaz
P.S Hope it works!
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