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Why does my husband look up his ex after we argue?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Social Media, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 May 2018) 8 Answers - (Newest, 21 May 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Anytime I have a really big argument with my husband, the next day or day after I check his internet history. I did this once years ago as I felt paranoid after the fight. I really really hate arguing, it freaks me out. So the first time I did it, I saw he had looked up a couple of his ex girlfriends. So now, when we have an argument - I check his history because of that - and he does it everytime!! One EX in particular, she was a big impact on his life, though horribly manipulative of him - she had him wrapped around her finger.

No I KNOW I shouldn't be looking at his history, I have my own issues which are almost fully resolved, getting there. But why does he look her up when we argue? Does it mean he wishes he was with her instead?

View related questions: ex girlfriend, his ex

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2018):

Hi WiseOwl. OP here. I feel like i should reply in that he has never contacted his ex or any other woman behind my back after we fight. I merely meant that he looks her up on social media - looks at whatever photos she has public (they are no longer connected). Also my response below was in answer to everyone asking why i fight. Ita not a huge deal that he looks at her social media photo. I was just curious as to why??

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 May 2018):

Post script:

You weren't just venting. There's a big problem in your marriage; and all that stuff about stress is rationalizing.

If your second post explains it all, why did you come here?

Sorry, but you two need some serious marriage-counseling and mediation.

Don't blame his business-partner for him contacting another woman behind your back. I think that's solely his idea!

You two need to learn how to effectively-communicate; and in your case, that can only be done with a third-party to referee your discussion.

You two are going to have a final blow-out; and it ain't going to pretty! Better salvage your marriage if you can. You probably can't do it alone; if you two are a couple of very headstrong people. Divorce is going to be nasty!

Communicating with other women behind your wife's back doesn't seem like an effective way to curb your stress!

So what now, you pretend it never happened? Yeah, right!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 May 2018):

First off, he knows you snoop! It's called PAYBACK!!! If you're aware of it, that's the game you two play.

He's a nasty vindictive guy who sets his wife up to see him canoodling with another woman. Daring you to confront him, or expose the fact you snoop!

If you know this, why do you put-up with it? You have to snoop-around on your own husband? The guy's a dick!

She's not manipulating him. He's doing exactly what he pleases. You're just holding onto him; thinking that's the way to keep him away from her. How's that working for you?

Don't you think it's time you've come to your senses, and end all this nonsense?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2018):

Thanks for your replies. I guess our arguing is as a result of stress and spending too much time together. We both work for ourselves, from same office space - also my husband has a business partner in one of his companies who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and does no work and his made my husbands work life hell - all while he works 70+ hours a week to keep the business going, and earns no money from it. We have been chasing our tails with regards to finances for 4 years now (together 6)... we are not badly off - but nothing much has worked in our favour to date. My husbands 2nd business has only just started to go well due to low overheads, and the landlord tells us he will be selling the property, so we are trying to find money to try to purchase it. We are struggling to get a mortgage deposit together as rents are extremely high where we live. I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks, it now looks like there are genetic issues with one of use, as I have had over 6 miscarriages, and this means that we may have to go the IVF route which would be fine except that genetic testing will also be required which doubles the cost. I'm not sure my insurance covers it.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get across is that there are a few stressors in our lives which has probably led to arguments over the years. I'm not talking about all the time of course, a big huge blow out maybe 2-3 times a year, over the argument in 3 days max.

We are both stubborn and headstrong - and while we want the same things in life and have the same values - we have very different ways of perceiving and thinking about these things.

I tried to ask him last night why he does this - he claimed ignorance: 'I cant remember why I do it, but it definitely doesn't mean I want to be with any of my exes.' I'm hoping it was a half truth at least, he doesn't want to hurt me - I know that to be genuine.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (18 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntOnly your husband knows the full truth/reason behind his connecting with his ex's, however, i would be more concerned, as to why you both have to argue the way you do.

You shouldn't have to argue all the time and certainly not do things that will hurt the other.

It's quite normal for all couples to have a fair share of ups/downs, but for a difference of opinion to always escalate into something so big, that your husband chooses to connect with his ex's, i do think that you should both engage in some serious "marriage counselling".

This would be a good start, but so far as your husbands behaviour, why don't you be honest with yourself and with him and let him know how you feel about what he does.

You need to hear it from the horses mouth, so to speak.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (18 May 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntI think the more important question is why are you having so msny arguments that you could establish this pattern of behavior? I'd be way more concerned about that. For reference, in 30 years of marriage, my wife and I have only had maybe 10 big arguments. We have minor disagreements all the time, but they rarely escalate into big fights like you're talking about.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2018):

I give you my opinion in few words. You seem to be the stronger side and you defeat him when you have big arguments and he doesn't like it. So he withdraws hurt and finds solace in looking up his ex and probably even does it to hurt you in his own way. Now here is my advice. Let the poor guy go if he wants to.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntDoes it mean he wishes he was with her?

I don't really think he is wishing he was with her, because you say he LOOKS them up, but does he CONTACT them?

WHO knows? ONLY he knows.

Maybe he hates arguments as much as you and his way of dealing with it is retreating to some "fantasy bubble".

Personally, I don't get it either.

If this has been going on for years, why haven't you asked him? I mean, I get that it might seem weird that you SNOOPED on him but you did and now you have this nagging feeling you don't know what to do with.

So what was the point in snooping when it really tells you nothing but only leaves you doubting?

I'd say either bring out the dirty laundry and TALK to him or let it go.

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