A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK I'm going through something really silly. It's bothering the hell outta me. My current gf who's 30 years old told me that she had 16 previous partners before me. I've had 7 before her. But it's bothering me a lot! The strange thing is that my previous girlfriend of 3 years had 4 more partners than me and I never gave it a second thought. In fact, every girl I've been with for the most part has had more partners than me. I don't know about some of them but others it came up in conversation. Why am I letting this make me feel insecure? Is it because 16 is a lot? I don't know. It's only 9 more than me but it's really getting to me. I don't want to worry about this because she is a fantastic girl but I get self-conscious during sex and worry about all these memories as if it was a competition. I've had performance anxiety too. I've even lost sleep over this! I don't know why other gfs it didn't bother me and this one it is! Perhaps it's because I've never dated a woman with so many past partners. It's new and intimidating to me. Does this make her easy? Is 16 a lot for a woman of 30 or is 7 just to few for a man of 30? I almost regret not sleeping with girls along the road so I wouldn't feel like this. I don't want this to damage the relationship. We've talked about it once and she told me the past doesn't matter she's with me now but it's getting to me! I don't bring it up with her anymore because I don't want to rehash things or make her self-conscious. What do I do? I sometimes feel if we wound up getting married I'd regret it because she had a lot of fun and is ready to settle down. I don't want to feel like this anymore but can't seem to shake it. Any tips?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): You care because you're normal.
You're a human being who desires his mate, and that means you also desire exclusivity with her so that you are only raising your own biological children. It does not make you egotistical or insecure and don't let anyone tell you it does.
Nature just made us to reproduce well even if we sometimes have to be unhappy in the process. There is no real solution to these feelings that I've ever seen or heard of. Some people just succeed in convincing themselves that these feelings are not rationally justified.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): Hi Hunny,
I can understand why your getting yourself all worked up, as a male you feel you should in your eyes have had more partners as thats the caveman part of you its in built, and so many men feel insecure to think of the one they love having any before them or say maybe 2 would make you feel better, Then there is if shes been round the block then she is slutty no man wants to think this way and no man wants to feel unsure and insecure this way.. But the brain works overtime, you may be doing something and ooops it pops up and your mind goes into overdrive, Not only do you think 16 but your mind goes on to give you images and its a never ending vicious circle...Your doing this to yourself hunny she has been honest and honesty is one of the most important things in a relationship and along with that goes trust. Look at her take in what you love about her is it really worth putting yourself through this when you could be so very happy.. My b/f has had others and I have had others we never never question the other we know and its past, You cant change the past but you can look to a brighter future.
I no of a 28 yr old female that is so insecure she has since the age of 13 been counting them up and believe me when i say its more than 4 times as many than you have stated, This young lady is tormented...By insecuritys so deap she thinks love comes from sex.. As she has been shown no other love, I think that is very sad...Plus times are changing the days where its ok for a man to have as many partners as he wants and be slapped on the back are somewhat old fashioned women like sex to love we are all human. Sex is everywere lets face it the whole world is obsessed by it to some degree.
You are being shown love I really believe you could have a wonderfull relationship and friendship here, Everything else is good its just this stopping you, The world today is a very sad place not enough love, And if you are lucky enough to find a caring soul keep hold of her hunny, I hope your mind settles very soon so you can enjoy your partner much luck to you, I hope you feel better soon with much love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 I'm sure I saw a Seinfeld episode about this.
I guess we can all tell you to get over it. And you yourself already admitted its a bit silly.
I just want to add something though.
I married my first love, he was the only man I had ever been with. Virtually I was the typical "virgin" bride...well kind of. Let me tell you, it doesn't make for a happy life. Despite the fact he turned out to be a bit of a bastard, in my mind was this whole fantasy of what it would be like to make love to another man. It consumed me, especially when I turned 30. I mean I came into my sexual prime and I had nothing but this guy to compare it to, and a lifetime of the same in front of me. Inevitably we broke up.
Can I just say, that if a woman chooses you after experiencing other men then I would say that means your the best of the lot. She basically is saying, that you are the "one", not the only "one".
Finally, we all feel a bit of jeolousy about our partner's "others"....even if we don't want to admit it. It generally is in the beginning of a relationship. But the further we walk down that road of "togetherness"...the more it fades away.
Just enjoy what you have today, don't worry so much about tomorrow or yesterday. Being content in the moment now thats the secret of true happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): The answer that baby duck posted is excellent. As a person who has posted the same question as you, I can tell you that you will probably never completely get these thoughts out of your mind. Why do some of us think this way. I don't know, but perhaps it is because of the way we were brought up as youths or, as baby duck said, that some of us are hard wired for these thoughts. I was brought up to think of a woman who had sex with more than one man as an unworthy slut. Someone who should be criticized and rejected. We have to work very hard to overcome these values that were instilled in us in our youth. Again, as she said, focus on the whole package. Think of how great she is and how those qualities are so much more important than how many men she has slept with. Most people have not gone through this situation and conflicts in their minds. They cannot understand. That is why I am so happy to see a response like baby duck’s. She has no first hand knowledge, but she has the intelligence and thoughtfulness to post a really helpful answer.
Instead of repeating what I have said in other responses, read my 2 articles:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/some-tips-for-guys-that-are-having-trouble.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-do-our-cultures-teach-boys-that-women.html
I don’t know if these will help, but if they do help some, then it will have been worth it for me to write them. These thoughts, and the help that 2 women on this forum have given me via personal conversations, have been a great help for me. There are some wonderful, thoughtful and non-incriminating people on this forum. Hopefully, some more of these will answer you also.
You have 2 problems with your thoughts. The first is her number of partners and the second is your thought that you are not as good a lover as they were. I don’t think that it matters how many partners you have had. A couple of months ago a guy posted that he was bothered by his girlfriend having had 7 partners, even though he had over 100. Figure that one out. My only possible explanation is that he was taught to think that that kind of woman was bad. It might have been from his parents or the culture of where he lives.
You wonder why you didn’t care about your previous girlfriends number of partners. Is it that you are falling in love with the current one, but were not with the others. I didn’t care at all about how many partners my other girlfriends had. I liked being with all of them, but I was not falling in love with them. It only mattered to me with the woman who I was falling in love with. The others sexual past just didn’t matter.
You have a choice between letting go of her or living with these feelings. I suppressed my feelings about my wife for many years, only to have them resurface again. That is when I found this forum. I got a lot of help from some very good people and this is the one problem that I want to help others with the most. You will probably never fully suppress these feelings. If you are lucky, you will be able to convince yourself that this one “defect” of hers is insignificant compared to all of her good qualities. My wife has shown much love for me for over 28 years. She is willing to talk to me about my feelings whenever I need her help. She was not willing to do this in the beginning because I made her feel bad about her past sexual life. Don’t make that mistake is your girlfriend is willing to talk to you about your feelings. My wife is now willing to talk to me about this subject because I no longer make her feel like a slut. She was not exactly proud of her record when she told me about her past and my lack of consideration for her didn’t help. And her number of partners was not that high, it was just the way she picked up men sometimes.
You talk about performance anxiety. Yes, you may wonder if she wishes she was with one of the guys who was bigger than you, or knew more positions than you, or lasted longer than you, or gave her more orgasms than you do. It may be hard to convince yourself of this, but it most likely doesn’t matter to her. Maybe you are the best of them all. Also, most women care more about how much love you show them, how you cuddle them, how you kiss them more than how big you are or how many positions you use.
The next thing is how much fun she had. Probably not as much as you imagine. My wife had some good lovers and some bad ones and 1 really bad one. She did not have as much fun as I had imagined before we had several weeks of serious discussion. She was looking for something that she never completely found. She had no interest in anyone else after our first date. She broke up with her previous boyfriend before we ever spent a night in bed together. Your girlfriend’s experience may be similar. You should expect that some of her partners were good to her and good lovers. There were probably many who weren’t. If she wants you, it is because of the total package. It is because of all you give her. You (and I for that matter) cannot be the best at all aspects of a relationship. I know that others were better than me at something, but I also know that none were as good at being a complete partner for her. A partner who is the best as a combination lover, partner, provider and caring person. Maybe the best she ever had at 1, 2 or 3 of those things, but probably not the best at all. My wife is not the best I have ever dated at everything either, but she is way at the top as a total person and I am way at the top of her list as a total person. Hopefully you may find that the both of you can say the same thing.
Try to think of her positive virtues and not the one thing that you cannot make yourself like or ever change. My wife has told me this several times, “I don’t care if you still think that I was a slut. Just don’t remind me of it too often and love me for what I have been for the past 28 years.” That is love.
Good luck with your thoughts and your relationship.
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A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 I disagree with all the agony aunts here. I think a person is not only a person of NOW, but also yesterday.If I stole a meat yesterday, it is quite possible, I may be arrested today, and the meat is still in my stomach.
If I met, knew, and slept with a woman yesterday, it is quiete possible, I will come across her today, she will say hello to me, and tell me or imply me how good the sex was last night.
Sleeping is not about passing, fluid to each other, and cleaning and wiping and afterwards so that no trace is left, sleeping is also knowing, experiencing, and inheriting a psycological heritage, vestige, good or bad into our personality (leave alone possible viruses or germs, or even babies)
What we did yesterday matter. whom we knew, how we knew matter, what we did with some one matter also. It is part of us.
As a man, a girls past, what she did in the past matter greatly to me. I cannot change my characater as a man, and relax and listen what my girl friend did with 16 other man, and then just shut down my whole mind so that i do not imagine how she did with them, or how come it was possible for her to be able to sleep with 16 separate men on every occasion.
There is a difference of substance and form between sleeping with one man and with 16 man, there is difference also between 16 and 30. There is. It tells you the character, attitude which I do not judge but I am free to be uncomfortable about it and believe me, men do not usually enjoy their women to have slept with too many men in her past. May I make this choice ladies and gentleman? Or there is no limit, no red line, no common sense left to us to be men.
And I do not think, your girl friend makes an objective self criticism of her past to make you feel relieved. Because she does not see anything wrong with it.
Well my friend, you are right to be bothered, what you are bothered is, that you are not sure about her personality, what she has become of her by going through 16 affairs (it is almost like 16 marriages, ladies and gentleman).
I do not think you are happy in this relationship, I don't think you should stay in this relationship, as long as you are feeling this way, and it is your right to feel this way, it is not wrong...I do understand you love her, while you are uncomfortable, but you should not let your love to make you feel weak and miserable and unhappy. Love must make us happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): Well one thing you should keep in mind is like were all these partners her boyfriends?? Because if they weren't then chances are that they were drunken mistakes, and if that is the case then BELIEVE ME she doesn't even remember much about it or want to remember.
Look I had like very few partners up until a certain age just because I had always been in long term relationships. But when I started dating I had many "boyfriends" for a short period. And with a few of them it led to sex but the thing is that our relationship and encounters were so brief that I can't even remember the sex. It's not like it was even that good. Cause sometimes you need to really like a person or atleast be with them for a while before the sex becomes really good. But sometimes not of course.
The point is that unless she was dating any of these guys for a long time, she probably doesn't even remember the sex. I sure as hell don't remember the sex I had with my brief boyfriends and I especially don't remember any of my drunken mistakes because I have chosen to block it out of my head.
The point is that you most definitely have nothing to worry about. Believe me.
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A
female
reader, rockelle  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 If you love her why does it matter how many partners she has had. 17,30,40,100 Who cares. If she told you 16 it probably is 20. (That was a joke. Not Funny, but I could not help myself) But anyhow, what is important is the women that she has become because of her past relationships. I am sure she has learned a lot from those relationships not just sexual and she has grown as a person as a result of them. If she treats you good and makes you happy that is all that should matter. What is in her heart.The women that gave you those numbers whose to say they didn't have just as many partners as she has, they just weren't brave enough to be honest about it.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (12 December 2007):
 Oh for goodness sake, get a grip. So she has had 9 more partners than you at the age of 30. If you are so concerned, why are you dating her? As long she had been practising safe sex, that is all that matters. Women do sow their wild oats as much as men do believe me. I'm sure she does not judge you on how many gfs you had in the past. What do you want a vestal virgin as your future wife or someone who loves you unconditionally no matter how many partners either you two have had in the past? Also I don't think she is judging you on your sexual performance either, so enjoy the quality times you have with her or just finish with her if you cannot handle her sexual past. Dusky xx
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