A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear All, I need your advice here, as I really can't work this guy out. I met a lovely guy online 6months ago, (he's 45, I'm 41yrs, we are both single, he never been married, me divorced, was married a long time ago)we chatted for about a month, then we decided to meet up in person (we live 20mins away from each other). Well the 1st date went really well, then 2nd date also went really well, seem to have quite a bit in common, he made me laugh alot etc., then on the 3rd date things got out of hand and we ended up going all the way. Basîcally, We had a super evening and all was really perfect, romantic etc etc etc. By the 4th date I was thinking all is going really well, what's the rush, lets slow things down a bit, take it easy. (I also stopped checking my emails on the dating website we met on). We had a bit of a talk that night and I asked him what he wanted, he told me that he has been hurt badly in the past and so part of him wanted to be with me, and another part of him was pushing me away, and so he's unsure at the moment. I decided we should take it slow, and try and be friends. By our 7th date I realised that he is still going on the dating website - daily, sometimes 3 times a day! Well, I was gutted, I thought we were feeling the same way about each other, going slow and headed towards exclusivity and a serious relationship. I confronted him about it, and he said yes he still goes on the website, if he gets an email from someone he will answer it, he will not ignore them. I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else or anyone else from the website and he said no. I believe him. The only problem is; is that it really gets on my nerves. Why do men do this? Am I being too niave or unreasonable? I know we have not come to any agreement regarding 'us' yet, but still, it hurts to know he is probably (don't know for sure, but taking a wild guess!) chatting up other women on the website... We have now been on 9 dates, and whenever we are together we have a good time, laughing and talking and really get along well together. I really get the feeling that he really cares for me, but I still do not know what's going on, or what he wants from me, and I don't want to keep asking him the same questions. We have only gone all the way twice, and fooled around twice (this is because I do not want to be his 'plaything' and end up getting seriously hurt). Last week I told him that 'sometimes the way he behaves towards me, it makes me feel as though he does'n't want me to like him. I asked him if this was true and he said 'Maybe he feels that I am pushing a bit fast'. Oh my goodness, and I thought we were going really really slow...!! This man is 45yrs old, please tell me what I should do?! I really care about this guy and don't want to end our 'friendship, leading onto something serious relationship'. Thank you guys for any advice you can give me. Confused Woman!
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (11 April 2011):
 hi
i think that, as he said he wants to take it slow, then 3 days is not a long time for him to wait before calling you again. as you seem to really like him, then yes, wait for that call, don't wait too long though and if you happen to meet someone else you like in the meantime i would say go for it. what you need and deserve is to meet a man who is pretty crazy about you from the get go, or at least 'interested' in giving you a relationship without any worries for you that he might be dating others too
xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Everybody,
Just back with an update.
Well, after all the feedback, and advice etc. I decided not to contact him again. I was doing really well, and had started to move on and think about other things, then he emailed me twice, both of which I ignored, then he called me in the evening on 6 April 11.
He said 'It felt like it was very quiet from my end, and how was I'. I told him why I had decided not to contact him anymore, and he said I was making alot of assumptions, and that there are no other women and he is not sleeping with anyone else. He says he feels that the relationship is going too fast, but maybe for me it's going slow, or dragging it out. I told him that I don't mind taking it slow, just as long as we are on the same page about what we want, and there is no lying. He said, he agreed. We talked a while longer about how I felt etc., and he just listening.
Then he said its late, he's tired and he has a meeting early the next day. He said he would call me again and we talk further. He said if I don't want him to call then then I should say so now, and he promises that he will never call me again, but I'm not to say 'yes, call' out of sympathy, I must mean it. I told him he could call me. It was late and I was tired, but I had more questions and stuff that I wanted to discuss with him, so I was glad when he suggested another call.
We wished each other goodnight, and he told me that it was good that we were able to talk. He said he would call me. That was now 3 days ago, and so far he has not called back. I'm wondering what do I do now? Wait for the call, or forget about him and move on? My heart tells me to wait for the call, and my head tells me to forget he exists and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi angelDlite, You're right, with so much variety at his fingertips, why settle for only one. Hence the 'back-burner' mentality. At one point after I had found out he was still on the dating websites, and I was trying to figure out why he was doing it. I asked him 'If he met someone he wanted a serious relationship with - would he still use a dating website to chat/make new friends etc?' he said 'No'. So, there it was. I had my answer. The odd thing was that he did not seem to realise what he had said/admitted to. He had in no uncertain terms told me that he did not view me as a serious relationship.So, no more dating websites for me - I've had it up to here. Thanks for sharing your opinion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi lemonyliz,It sounds like you went through sheer hell. You had a very bad experience and you have come out the other end, and able to talk about it. Thank you for sharing your experience. This really helps me, and it makes me realise that there can be different/multiple levels to their 'lying, cheating and obsession' with dating websites. And yes, you make a valid point - I think one of his issues is that he cannot 'let go' of what happened to him in a previous relationship, and in some way, this may be his way at getting a kind of revenge on the fairer sex. Obviously, I could be wrong, but I feel there is link. What he is doing is inexcusable no matter how badly one is hurting. Unfortunately, the whole experience has put me off dating websites, and I will not be going back to this method to look for love.
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A
female
reader, lemonyliz  +, writes (9 March 2011):
In my situation, things went a lot further. I told the guy that I was displeased with the fact that he was still on a dating website and we both agreed to delete ours (this was after dating for 2 months or so) and I found out much later that after I had deleted mine, he had reactivated his account.By the time I found out, we had been dating 6 months and were pretty involved. I threatened to break up with him and again he deleted the account and I basically stayed with him and began blaming myself for his behavior. He told me his reasoning was that he was always afraid that I was going to leave him, or that he was afraid I was on a dating site still, so he was only on it to see if I was, or that I didn't give him enough affection etc. that I made him feel unloved etc. etc. etc. For the record, I was young and stupid, much younger and more naive than he was and I basically took the whole situation as partly his fault and partly mine. We agreed to each work on it-- him by deleting the online account and not doing it again/not lying about it again. Me, by being more of what he needed in the relationship. Of course, a few months after that, when we had been together nearly a year, I found him on a different dating website and that lead to more and more discoveries (like that he was back on the initial website we had met on, but with a new screen name). In the end I found him on about 4 different dating websites. Lets just say the whole thing ended with a lot of fighting and finding out about lots of other girls and me breaking up with him and him angrily attacking me for both leaving him and revealing his secret dating website habit to many of his other hook-ups, and me ending up in the hospital for several days on bed rest, etc. Now I doubt that your guy is THIS psychotic. You seem a little more with it than I was, and clearly have picked up on the warning signs that I let slide by. The biggest thing is whether it spirals out of control like my situation did, or it's just typical run of the mill flirting/cheating, it's still not ok. You still deserve more and better things than a man who is unwilling to commit to you and only you. We all have problems and issues, but he sounds like he is using his issues to justify treating the women he is with like they are disposable. And there is no justifiable reason to treat anyone like that, ever. If I were you I would honestly tell him that you are not interested in continuing the relationship because of his continued online flirting etc. behavior and because you don't feel like you can trust him. I would tell him that you feel like you are being taken advantage of and that you understand that he has issues, but that you are not willing to be with a man that isn't strong enough to deal with his issues and find the strength to commit to and be in a real relationship with the woman he cares for. Then move on. Don't take his excuses and don't let yourself be persuaded to give him another chance unless he really truly proves that he is done with this childish and selfish behavior. Be strong and move on. You sound like you have already done this on some level and that is something I really applaud you for. I hope you meet a real man soon :)
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (8 March 2011):
hi
he obviously hasn't fell for you but is he ever likely to while he has got the rest of sweet shop to pick from? maybe this is the reason he has never been married by the age of 45. what do you know about his dating history, really?
he wants to take it slow, but he got you into bed fast? ok, relationships like this work for some people, people like him but it is making you unhappy and insecure. so my advice would be to get yourself back on that site and try again - this time to meet a guy with the same morals and beliefs around dating that you have
good luck
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Foxxy1,
'Save your precious soul and bounce' - couldn't have put it better myself. Watch me bounce.
Thanks for your feedback!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you lemonyliz,
I notice that you mention that you have been in this situation before. Can I ask you, what did you do to break away from him, did it work immediately?
Your 3 points are very interesting... especially point 1.
Last week he mentioned 'handcuffs' in the bedroom, he has never mentioned anything like that before, and I was really surprised as he comes across as very traditional/conservative type.
Point 2 - yes true, I have been giving him alot of attention and affection.
Point 3 - well, as of now I will not give him any further opportunity.
Thanks for your good advice Lemonyliz!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 March 2011):
He'll probably keep on using women the way he does now. And sadly, he probably will see another women quickly from that site. I suspect he was using the old "better keep her around just in case" ploy, rather than let you go.
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A
female
reader, lemonyliz +, writes (8 March 2011):
I agree with CaringGuy. Unfortunately, this is a common issue in the online dating world. The internet has made it so easy for this type of behavior, and I agree that the lines he has used are pretty text book. I have been in this situation before, myself, and the truth is that if a man cares about you and wants to make it work, he will get off the dating website and make you his priority. To me it sounds like he is dragging you along, 1. because he expects to keep being able to sleep with you (and longevity in sex-partners, tends to mean the ability to more risqué things... especially if one partner is trying to prove devotion or chemistry) So maybe he thought he could get you to do more risqué sexual things because he thinks he has you intent to prove that you are the right person for him. Two, He likes your doting. now that you are fairly well acquainted, he gets all the fun little affectionate parts of being in a relationship with you, I'm sure you call and chat now and then, send him a friendly text/email, etc. and everyone (even players) like attention and affection. Three, it's a game to him. He wants to see how long he can string you along. It's rough and I'm sorry you had to go through this. Good men do exist, don't let yourself fall into cynicism because of one jerk. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Foxxy1 +, writes (8 March 2011):
This is my first time joining sites like this and I must say today is my off day from work and I have read so many things that is really making me scared of commitment and wonder when I'm gonna find true love.After reading so many of the post, I begin to see the same pattern of player's cards, their moves, their ways and talks is indifferent. And from what the gentleman said below he threw the ultimate player card at you. So basically he is telling you he is not trying to be serious and all he wants is sex. The only thing is he did not outright tell you in bold words "I want sex are you down". I know your feelings are involved but open your eyes and move on and dont let it happen again. Look out for signs on those online dating sites. What are they saying they are asking for? At 45 you should know what you want so obviously this man have been single for so many years and lots of women have been hurt in the game. Save your precious soul and bounce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear CaringGuy,
Thank you for your honest feedback. I know that there are some very good and decent guys are there too, it just makes me sick to my stomach to know that there are some guys out there who are deliberately trying to use women like this.
So that means I loose either way, even if we did not go all the way at date 3 - he was just waiting it out. I guess it's part of the challenge? I have so many questions in my head e.g., why he is dragging it out with me for so long - why not give up on me and go after one of his other women on the website??
Do these types of duds ever settle down, or do they just keep 'Playin' until they are old worn out dogs?!
Anyway, I'm done with this old dud. Thank you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 March 2011):
First of all, please don't think all men do this. We don't. We're not all that full of ourselves, and it would be a terrible judgement to think we're all out to use women.
The only type of man that does this is the man you're with now. Sadly, he's also the same type of man that some women are just drawn to for whatever reason. You're not the first, you won't be the last. The important thing is that you learn to recognize this particular type.
This is a very bad situation for you to be in, because you're going to have a bit of a broken heart. It goes like this.
You met him in a site, and on your 3rd date, you went all the way. Then on your 4th, you slowed things down...and that was it.
After that, his true colours came out. And they're coming out more and more. He is on the dating site talking to other women, and there is a very high chance that he is meeting them for sex, planning to meet them for sex, will meet them for sex. He's even thrown all the classic player lines at you:
"He was hurt before, and part of him wants to push you away, the other part wants to keep you close" - this is done to make you feel sorry for him, and also to retain control over you and make you overlook clear indicators that he's a dud.
"He's so unsure at the moment" - This is done to make you more determined to make it work, and thus make you continually run after him and be the 'plaything' you dread being.
"Yes, he goes on the website to answer email, and he won't ignore them" - about as truthful as you'll get from him. He will answer the emails, and he will chat/meet other women.
He's got you right where he wants you - except thankfully you've come here. Unfortunately for him, I can see all those little tricks, and I can tell you 100% that he is after sex, and a good time. This man doesn't want commitment, and that is in no way on the cards here.
If you're looking for love, look elsewhere and leave this dud behind.
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