A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hiya, so i posted a question on here yesterday and the people didnt really understand what I ws trying to day so and gonna try againI have been with my Boyfriend for 3 years.It's our sex life that I think is the problem. We have sex, oral ect... and its great. I do get satisfied when we have sex but it is always on his terms. I hardly turn him down but he will turn me down 80% of the time.he dose work full time and I understand that. In the week I'm not so forward but it is on the weekends too. It would be nice to have sex when I am in the mood not just when he is. It feels like I'm taking what I can get from him. Which make me feel a little desperate and I dont like feeling like that.I have no hygiene issues, I dont smell. We have a child but she is not problem when it comes to timingI tried to talk to him last night but he got defensive again and then though having sex would solve the problem so he did not understand where I was coming from.Am I wrong to feel/think like this..?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): OP your boyfriend has no incentive to change things because he is getting everything exactly as he wants it. Yes you try to talk to him once in a while, but as soon as he kicks off you back down and nothing really happens. From his point of view, he can easily turn the situation back on you and when he does the whole discussion is dropped. Then he continues to get sex as and when he wants it, while never having to compromise with you.
You have to realise that he isn't changing because he doesn't have to. You are the one with the problem so you need to be the one to take action. Start turning him down more. Tell him that you don't feel sexy because he's always turning you down then DON'T BACK DOWN. He will get defensive if you do this, even mad maybe, because things are no longer going exactly his way and he won't like it. Its human nature to be a bit miffed if simeone takes your toys away! But if you stand your ground he will eventually learn that if he wants to have regular sex with you then he needs to think about you more and treat you as an equal partner with needs of her own.
I know this probably isn't the advice you want because it's not an easy quick fix to your problem, but trust me this is the ONLY way you will get a decent sex life out of this guy.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 April 2013):
 I agree with SVC.
Normally I'm NOT a fan of with-holding or tit for tat, but I DO think your BF needs a dose of his own medicine.
Doesn't he understand that YOU WANT him? That HE turns you on from time to time to?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 April 2013):
 because you don't tell him NO.
See show him what it feels like
when he wants sex turn him down for every time he turns you down.
the other day my husband wanted a blow job... but i was not going to give him one till I got sex. it's been way too long for me... so as he rolled on his back I said "don't assume the position your not getting it" and guess what.. NOTHING happened. We will live.
he is not getting a blow job till I get laid. Period end of discussion.
so to your man you say WE are not having sex again till it's on MY terms.
period. end. of. discussion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): Have you tried another approach?
For years, my fiance would turn me down when I came onto him. Some of it was because I'm a bit clumsy and not very seductive so I worked on that a bit and things got a little better, but we were still talking about not having sex more often than actually having it.
My fiance has problems falling asleep and getting a good night's worth of sleep. I noticed that my fiance falls asleep fast and sleeps so much better after we have sex. So, I let him use the 'I'm tired' excuse for a few days only to deal with him tossing and turning and keeping me awake for at least an hour every night after lights out I got through to him. He told me he was tired. He was whiny because he WAS tired because he hadn't been sleeping well. I told him I really wanted to have sex. Then, I explained that he tosses and turns for at least an hour before he falls asleep. It takes approximately 30-40 mins for us to do our thing. He is always snoring and passed out completely within 10 minutes of finishing. I asked him if he wanted to spend the next hour tossing and turning on his side of the bed just to get some crappy sleep, or if he would prefer I tire him out for 30 mins and he'll sleep great and get 20 more minutes of quality sleep...not to mention I'll be happy too. He told me he would take me up on my offer as long as I could convince him to (wink wink).
You need to find some way to convince him that tired sex wouldn't be just for you but would also benefit him. If he sleeps better after having sex, go with that. If he is more randy in the morning, try to make time for him then.
Are you feeling satisfied with the level of non-sexual contact you are receiving from your husband? Does he hug you and hold you enough or are you also starved of affection?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 April 2013):
 This doesn't add (or, change) anything from your earlier submittal....such that my advice would be any different...
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): You're not wrong to feel like this OP, but again you backed down when he played the defensive card.
I said yesterday you need to be strong and not let him do that, but I don't think you will be.
OP being defensive is a ploy used by people to get you to shut up and back down. It's used to play on your fear of being a bad person or offending him.
He's not a child, you're only asking for him to be considerate so he has no reason to be defensive so he's only using that because he knows when he does you'll cave.
OP I'd feel even more hard done by if I were you because he's invalidating your feelings and he's treating you like a child who doesn't know what she's talking about, but you're letting that happen by being so soft.
I'd talk to him again, if he tries that defensive shit again, I'd ask him why he does that? Why try and make me feel bad when all I'm doing is wanting to talk about my feelings?
OP when he acts defensive it's not because he;s hurt, he has absolutely no reason to feel hurt does he? No, he acts that way to maintain control, maintain things the way he wants them to be and to shut you down so he doesn't have to be considerate. It's an emotional ploy, I've had many exs do it. They try to make talking about a certain rather menial subject so scary to talk about because of their reaction that they get to ignore your feelings on the matter.
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