A
female
age
41-50,
*eachyKeen79
writes:I have been with my fiance "Juan" for 5 years and we make a great couple and a great team. But he frustrates me. He occasionally insults me about my weight and says I am lazy when it's a symptom of my depression (my doctor and I are trying out different combinations of meds to remedy this)and says that I get mad for nothing. He goes from one extreme to the other when disciplining my children (from a previous relationship). He will be too harsh on them and when I tell him he will take it badly and go to the opposite end of the spectrum and completely ignore their behavior. He is definitely passive-aggressive. He doesn't like my best friend and calls her a slut. But on the good side he pays for everything, all the bills, and buys my kids clothes. He loves my kids. He treats my youngest "Angel" like his own son because he was only 9 months when "Juan" and I got together. "Juan" buys things for "Angel" and "Angel" knows him as Daddy. "Juan" has a big heart. He buys things for me without even thinking about it. He'll ask me if I would like to go out on a date with him. He will text me in the middle of the day just to tell me he loves me. He'll cook when I am not feeling well. He took care of my kids while I was in the hospital after a tubal pregnancy ruptured my tube. He is just an all-around good guy with a few faults. I actually feel like he is the one I am supposed to be with. So my question is why do I want to find someone else? Why do these few faults make me feel like "Juan" is replaceable when I know that I will never find another guy who will do all these things for a woman who has 4 kids and a truckload of baggage?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): So basically you're staying with a man who insults you and is emotionally abusive because you're scared you can't find someone else? This is not a good situation.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 March 2012):
I wouldn't write him off immediately. Since they are your children, set out some basic rules with him on how they should be disciplined, like Worldlywise said. Kids need consistency and they will react much better to any form of disciplining when you two are being consistent and in line with each other. So talk to Juan, and do it in a tactful way so you don't sound like you're bashing his efforts.
Also, I know depression is hard to deal with, but if you are being lazy because of it it's not strange he calls you out on that. Meds will only do so much, you also occasionally have to kick your own ass to get going again. Accepting the label and letting it bind you is not going to help you overcome it. In fact, it's going to make it worse. Now of course I know it's all easier said than done.
As for your weight, are you happy with your weight?
- If you are tell him that this is just what you look like and that you do not appreciate the insults.
- If you have been complaining about your own weight as well, then instead of trying to do something about it, do something about it. Losing weight isn't that hard if you know how to do it. So get advice from a nutritionist and get started.
As for your friend, tell him he can think of her what he wants but that she is still your friend and you do not wish to hear his negative opinion on her again.
You may also want to get couples counseling to sort out the hinks and kinks in your communication. It could be good to have someone look at the situation with fresh eyes.
Good luck OP and remember, all relationships have ups and downs and everyone possesses traits that aren't liked / appreciated by the other. That's life. Overcoming and dealing with those things is what makes it worth living.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): maybe you don't have much in common personality wise, or much of a connection. instead you see him purely in terms of how he benefits you and makes your life smoother (his financial support, his childrearing support, his emotional support) versus the things you can't stand about him (his insults about your weight, his childraising methods). you seem to be weighing him up in terms of how he makes your life easier or harder.
But if you don't actually share similar values, likes and dislikes, outlook on life, then you have nothing except a business relationship. It could be an excellent business relationship, but it is still that. An intimate relationship is more than just how someone makes your life more comfortable (or less so) in the day to day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): He has taken on so much, tries so hard to make you happy. He supports you and your children in emotional and financial ways. He pays for everything and after 5 years still 'dates' you.
He will find it hard with the dicipline, they are your children.Its up to you to show him how its done,how you want him to be.As for the insults,its out of order, but maybe he feels like he's the one making all the effort.
The main thing is, do you love him? Can you imagine life without him?
Not many men are brave enough to take on this baggage wholeheartedly. But if your not in love and don't want to be with him, then a saint of a man who's 100% perfect wouldn't be enough. Its what it all comes down to. When your meds are sorted you may see things differently.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (15 March 2012):
 Hunni, first of all you dont need to be called names and insulted... this is a form of EMOTIONAL ABUSE.
Ever heard about wife-beaters who buy their spouse gift the day after they have beaten them bloody? Does that make the beating ok?? NO IT DOES NOT. And in this case, it is the same.
If you want to have a good go at holding onto your self-esteem and your relationship with this man, get both of you into relationship counselling.
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