A
female
age
36-40,
*inalae
writes:I have always heard triangulation is a very common trait of a toxic relationship but my question is what is behind doing triangulation to a new girlfriend with an ex fling? Can this be to make her feel less of, make the boyfriend feel powerful ,appealing and more interesting to the new girlfriend?Like what is the psychological thing behind this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 June 2021):
 I'd suggest you don't go pick it up. If your grandpa wants and can do it, I'd ask him but.. again, I'd suggest he doesn't go alone.
Not that I think your ex will hurt your grandpa but he might want to "pick his brain" and get info about you that he no longer need.
Keep the no contact.
A
female
reader, ginalae +, writes (6 June 2021):
ginalae is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie Thank you so much for your wise words I appreciate it, I’ve been feeling weird getting used to all of this, I admit it hurt me and even with all the bs my emotions are like on a rollercoaster, but trying to get better.
I didn’t realize that I forgot a big suitcase with some handbags, a coffee maker and a chair massager, to be honest the day I left I was blocked ( my head was blocked), I took all my belongings except for this which I completely forgot.
I don’t know if I should TEXT him and tell him my grandpa to please go pick it up so I don’t have any communication with him ?! Or if I should go myself, what do you recommend for me?
Another thing I forgot to say my ex bf was jobless and was in the process to be probably get hired for a new job, he had an economic situation, I couldnt help him because I didn’t know where my money was going to, he had a great paying job almost 100,000 monthly and YET he always had “according to him financial issues” so either he was going to have to rent his whole house or sell it because if not he will lose it, so this SITUATION was also happening from 2 months ago.
I don’t really know if for real he had no money, options or everything was so drastic like he stated it to be or if he was making it up to be more than what it really was so that I supported him financially ( when I was the one that made little money).
He told me if I wanted to go to his country for a couple of months to stay at his mom while resolved things, I said NO, the only thing I told him we could do is rent a room and move on from there until he got a job but he also had 4 pets 2 small dogs and 2 cats, that he would not give up on. Even I began to love these pets ( but was to much work I admit) especially them not being mine,( his ex wife died and he had no choice but to stay with them.
So yeah there were a lot of events happening, so what do you advice for me to do in regards to my belongings that stayed at his house?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 June 2021):
Well, good for you!
I would make a reply to him (over text, not call), saying:" it's nice of you to offer to let me use the car but I will decline and as we are OVER there needs to be no further contact between us. I will delete YOUR contact info and block your number, and I suggest you do the same." (in your own words, of course) And then YOU actively BLOCK him.
Perhaps also tell your grandpa to block the dude's number as well. He doesn't need to start trying to manipulate your grandparents.
Yes, it's a good thing it's over. I think you know that. I think you knew it wasn't a healthy relationship. All the crying and drama were obvious emotional manipulation. He knows what you USUALLY react to and tried that. It backfired.
I don't think he wants to lend you the car because he is nice. It's to keep SOME contact with you and SOME control. Can you imagine him calling the police and report it stolen if you don't comply with "whatever" or don't answer his texts/calls? I can. He sounds manipulative enough to do that. Or put a tracking device on it so he can see where you are at all times. Again... it would fit with his other behavior.
OP, there is a reason this 50-year-old goes from coldly telling you that YOU should "just" leave to him crying when you say OK I'm out. Because he LOST control over you. Also, him calling your grandpa to check up on you... really? You are a WHOLE grown woman.
Your dad is right, there is/was no future with this guy. Not a healthy one at least. Be GLAD you didn't actually MARRY this one!
Please stay safe. And don't fall for any "I'm so sorry" BS. Or even a proposal. Be FIRM with the no-contact.
And TAKE some time to get your equilibrium back. To find your OWN standards. If someone does nice things for you, well, that is nice - but if that person is also a DICK towards you it kind of cancels out the nice. someone can be a DECENT person without having to be a dick to make you feel bad.
It's time for you to work on moving on. Moving forward.
Perhaps journaling can also help you make some sense here. Of WHY you stayed for 3 years. What you ignored (red flags and dick- behavior) and what to not allow in the future. (and when I say "not allow" - I mean if ANYONE treats you that way you know it's unhealthy and thus, YOU are out.) Don't spend 3 years with a guy who doesn't WANT to treat your right.
I wish you ALL the best.
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A
female
reader, ginalae +, writes (4 June 2021):
ginalae is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie. My update is that we broke up this morning because some stupid video shit and he got bitchy with me I also got bitchy with him told him a nasty truth to his face,so it went down, then when I packed up all my stuff that I was waiting for my uber he begin to cry and wanted to hug me and all this crazy bs, saying that he loves me and did not want this to happen, when he was the one who said if you are going to be like this then I think we should just finish and go separate ways.
He was worried about where I was going to, I did not say, he offered me to take me,(i was coming to my grandparents) who welcomed me, so I told hom I was going to a friends house, then my grandpa told me he called crying to ask them to let me stay there ( and my grandpa told him I was actually on my way to their house, I had told him I was going to a friends house), that he was really worried about me, then he called again to see if I
was already there.
Then 2 hours later he called my cell phone 2 times I had my cell vol down, he texted me saying I love you so much by message and by whatsapp, if you need my second car I can lend it to you fir 2 months until you buy yours( he thinks that I dont have the money, which I do, I just don’t tell people what I have) I drove an old toyota which about 2 months ago died on me) so he lended me his second car (which is actually for when his mother comes visit him) if you break up with someone then that’s it no more communication, no nothing, I feel the car lending can be some type of manipulation?!,
This man is clearly unstable and always plays the victim and I was always the bad one, no wonder he cried when I was putting all my stuff in the uber ( it was dramatic) he wanted to hug me goodbye)to say goodbye to the dogs, I was crying like a baby but because I felt it, emotionally it hurt me, so I was a mess, whe were going through a rough time he was without a job, looking, he was about to get hired, but was still waiting, he was going to have to rent the whole house ( he had no money) it was just a mess, I was with him through thick and thin, even when he behaved like a d***, with me ( he did many goid things for me which I appreciate and thanked him) but he had this other bitchy side with me.
The point is that I did not answer his messages, maybe I just should not. My dad told me that this was the best thing that happened to me cause he never saw any future in this relationship, 3 years him almost 50 and not marrying me ( I am 33).
What do you guys think?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 June 2021):
Oh, he knows what he is doing.
He is hoping you will feel less (pretty or whatnot) the thing is it's UP TO YOU to decide how you feel. And secondly, does it matter to you how another woman looks? There will always be someone prettier out there, smarter, richer, more creative, etc. That doesn't make YOU less.
His behavior makes me think of the "Pick up-artist handbook" stuff. Where these LOSERS actively go out to girls and use manipulation tricks to make the girls/women think that they are somehow LUCKY to be having the guy's interest. Except, he is a sad sack who doesn't know HOW to treat a woman right. But it's all part of the "game". And many women play RIGHT into it.
The women think they now have to one-up other women to keep the interest. Or compete with other women over a guy who REALLY isn't a prize.
Have you ever chimed in on JUST how gorgeous the woman is (whoever he is talking about)? Or you mention that SHE (again the model/actress) is so lucky to be starring with (insert male actor) because HE is so gorgeous, clever, etc.
I wonder how he would react if you don't seem jealous or upset.
I know that is playing games. And generally, I'm not a fan of that.
And then it comes back to you. WHAT do YOU get out of this relationship? Is it WORTH dating him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2021): Because they're weak, insecure, pathetic narcissists.
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A
female
reader, ginalae +, writes (2 June 2021):
ginalae is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie, you are absolutely right, what I meant to say was that sometimes when I am with him I feel belittled or ugly, I guess since he talks so much about how beautiful another woman is let’s say a model, tv personality, an ex fling etc, it makes me feel this weird vibe.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 June 2021):
To add on (with your answer)
Not giving compliments is another level of control, OR he simply doesn't think you NEED to be told you are pretty all the time because you KNOW you are pretty.
Maybe because I'm average, I don't really care for compliments on my look - it really doesn't matter if someone wants to compliment my looks. In short, I don't have a need to be validated on my looks. I'd much rather be complimented on things I do. I'd rather be a GOOD person than a pretty one. Good is something you have to work at, being pretty is a genetic lottery.
A person can't make you FEEL bad about yourself, he is not in control of your feelings. But I can see that a guy can TRY and make you feel bad about yourself simply by not appreciating you. Your feelings are YOURS.
It's like going to a store and the sales clerk follow you around, not to HELP you but to see if you steal. It CAN make a person feel bad - because they "THINK" the store clerk thinks they might steal - BUT if you KNOW you are not there to steal, then there is NO NEED to feel bad.
Get what I'm saying?
Overall though, if you are dating someone who goes through all the mental gymnastics to be "the store clerk" around you, why are you with him?
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A
female
reader, ginalae +, writes (1 June 2021):
ginalae is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie, yeah, plus I have come to noticed, that everyone that surrounds me tells me how good looking I am and that I should look myself in the mirror, and I realize that my bf doesn’t give me any reassurance and hes the one that makes me feel bad around him( it’s like a vibe) not that he does this directly ( in less words when I am with him I feel bad ).
I can’t explain what this feeling is but yeah, I wake up big time when people tell me this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2021): First-off, anybody can use triangulation as a means of manipulation.
A mean little-girl can turn her two friends against each-other; then suddenly sympathize with one to squeeze the other out, to gain more favor. You've probably inadvertently, or unintentionally, used the tactic yourself; if you thought you'd get a benefit out of it. Like turning two roommates against each-other in order to bring one over to your side; hoping to gang-up on the other when the time is ripe. People do it in the workplace all the time! It's very common in any random three-way situation for people to manipulate one of the two to form a majority to overpower, out-vote, or cast out the weakest in the group of three. It's human nature to be selfish and manipulative.
For one thing, humans are greedy; and everyone wants their cake and to eat it too...now and then. Gender has nothing to do with it, as you seem to be implying.
Once you've recognized you're being played in such a way, why would anyone in their right-mind stay?
It's not always a tool of a narcissist, or someone with BPD; and it is not a "man-thing," as you're slyly suggesting!"
Commonsense says, if your man is still hung-up on his ex, or another woman...dump him!!!
If you're a drama queen, you'd remain in a lover's-triangle; because "some women" like being in her very own live soap opera. I guess "some" find it an invigorating experience to be fighting over one no-count guy; and competing with somebody else. Who is obviously being a wedge, or homewrecker!
If someone is the type of person who feeds on drama, they'll seek situations that supply them with reasons to always appear the unwitting-victim of players and losers. It's a choice to stay, once you're aware of what's happening. "Some" are bored, unless there's drama in their relationships. Soon as one ends, they'll turnaround and find themselves another! Yet they're unable to see that it just might be a pattern; not necessarily a trait or proclivity found in [some] men!
Why is it that "some women" insist on keeping a guy who would "triangulate," and then feel victimized???
Placing "some" before "men" doesn't make it any less sexist. The implication still stinks; and it's obvious what you're doing.
Why do some people have a victim mentality, but can always find scapegoats or someone else to blame for their suffering? It's among the many negative character-traits that compile the downside of human nature; and once you've matured past the age of 30, you're experienced enough to know that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 May 2021):
According to some, it's mainly narcissistic men (and women) who do this. To keep the power balance leaning in their favor.
Narcissists love to keep admirers close.
And the BEST way to keep in control is to NOT let a new partner feel TOO comfortable with their "position".
Personally, I would walk if a partner starts to bring in old flings or exes - either claiming they are "just friends" or someone "important" to them.
I think what is more interesting is why women (especially) feel the need to "compete" with another woman while undermining all her standards, for a man... who isn't worth it.
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