| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Ok, this is probably a dumb question but why do men like porn? I'm a girl and I've watched porn but I don't see the appeal. Just like guys don't see the appeal in chick flicks, I guess. I'm a small breasted girl, with huge hips, normal ass that is ridden with cellulite. Oh, my thighs are also huge and have cellulite too. I look OK clothed I guess, although if I were a guy I would definitely not be my type. Yeah, yeah, I'm insecure and I don't like my body. Sue me. Well, my boyfriend likes masturbating to pictures of Playboy-esque pin ups: platinum blonde hair (I'm a brunette), blue eyes (I have brown eyes), pouty lips (I have thin lips), huge tits (as I said, I'm small), almost no hips (again...) and thin thighs (again...).So he masturbates to these perfect looking women, sometimes just pictures, sometimes videos of them either stripping or masturbating. Yes I snooped into his history and shouldn't have. But my question is, what do they have that I don't? And he clearly isn't watching "the acts" since there're no dudes in the videos! I'm really liberal in bed and have tried almost everything (except for threesomes, never will). But I regularly give him oral (I'm even learning how to deep throat... BTW, how do you do it? I still can't), try every position that he wants, I also give him anal regularly, 69, I've gone brazilian for him, we've gone to motels together, had sex in the jacuzzi, with mirrors, in public places, etc. So he can't complain because I also never say no to sex. You know that whole thing about being a slut in bed, but a lady otherwise or something.I just don't like porn, it makes me feel weird, I can't explain it. It's not a moral thing, I think it's a job just like any other, but I just can't stand it. I'm sorry, but these are my feelings. I don't feel ok just having to grin and bear it too, especially since he likes women who clearly don't look like me. Please don't hate me for this or tell me that I'm being a prude or too insecure. Yeah, maybe I'm insecure... but can you blame me? I don't feel sexy knowing the type of women he fantasizes about... honestly, what men would pick a girl like me for sex over a real life Barbie? I understand they're airbrushed, fake and whatever, but even without all that "help" they look better than me, I'm sure. I'm just your plain Jane, really average, and feel really bad about this whole thing now. I wish I was even more liberal and able to just laugh it off, but I can't. I simply can't. I don't feel sexy and now I feel like why have sex with him? I have to make an actual effort to turn him on (ie. licking him, kissing him, touching him, etc.) while they can just turn him on by showing a pair of huge implants with a corny smile on their faces. It's unfair. I don't feel sexy enough now. And the one time I asked him about porn he got upset and said it was none of my business and that he had a right to watch it if he wanted to.So why do guys like these women so much? Is it their bodies, what? Why are average women not enough for your masturbatory fantasies? Why are implants and all that fakery more attractive? What can I do to be more attractive? What can I do so he finds me hotter than them? I know that even if I were hotter than all of them he'd still masturbate to them, but at least I'd know he thinks I'm hotter (that one time I asked him about porn he said porn models are hotter than average women 'cause it's their job). So he thinks they're hotter than me... and don't tell me to be more adventurous in bed because I feel I already am, more than a lot of other average women. What can I do so he finds me more attractive than them? I hate thinking that they have the privilege of being the hottest in his eyes, while I'm just Plain 'Ole Anon over here. Even though I'm 21 (like most of those girls), I look like crap compared to them... how will it be when I get older?I know relationships are based on other things, and I value that a lot more, but to me being desired and considered hot are important too. Otherwise it's just a really good friendship, right? I think he's really hot and more than enough for me. I don't have the need to go looking at other naked men to masturbate. I guess we're just different, but anyway. Why does he think they're better looking and what can I do about it?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): Flynn, I'm sorry, but you make women sound pathetic with your assumptions. We don't want to cry at every little thing, and we don't need men for everything! You make it sound like we're helpless, weak beings and that is hardly the case, especially about the aunts at this site. At least that's what I think.
Yeah, maybe we're emotional, but that doesn't mean wanting to cry with everything or whatever. It just means we're more sensitive. Men and women are both emotional, and also both sexual. It's not like women hate sex either. We want it a lot more than you'd think, too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): Thank you for your answers, they're all helpful, but there are some points I want to make, though:
1) He did say they're hotter, so I'm not as hot or hotter than them. He said they're hotter.
2) I'm not fat so the gym won't help. And I already eat healthily... I guess what I'm saying is I have to work on keeping these habits rather than starting them.
3) I actually don't like anything about my body. I look at the whole picture, and I'm shaped like a giant pear. Not good.
4) Men like different things than women, what I mean is, whereas a lot of women find small boobs look better or whatever because you can wear other types of clothes, men don't think like that. They like big boobs 'cause they can tit fuck, 'cause they bounce more, well, simply because there's more there. I know for a fact he prefers big boobs, because he's also told me. Men don't care about clothes.
I guess maybe I have psychological problems. I just don't like feeling like a fake, worthless slut on his computer is so hot that just with looking at her he can get hard, while to get him hard I have to kiss him, lick him, etc., which is more effort. Not that I don't enjoy that, I do, but wouldn't it be awesome that just one look at my naked body was enough to turn him on completely? But it's not like that. I don't like feeling like a worthless slut is more attractive to him than me. But he already said so. Maybe he's just dumb and immature, but he's 24 already! I hate his fantasy women... yes k_c100, you're right, I do fantasize about him only because it turns me on more... but clearly I'm not worth fantasizing over for him :(
Anyway, thank you all for your responses... I guess I'll go to counselling or something since I don't feel normal. I know that most women are very accepting of porn and some even enjoy it themselves, so I feel like maybe I am in a way "mentally ill"? I don't know...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): Don't try to understand it.
You have to have a dick to understand it.
Its straight out, a guy thing. There are some things that will always remain a mystery to men and women.
As men, you rightly assumed we cannot understand what it is you see in chick-flicks. They only put nudity and sex in these thing because they know men all over the world are being dragged by theit women to see these things.
Similarly, men are the biggest consumers of porn and it is to us that the majority of it is aimed. Sure you have niche markets, lesbians, trannies and what-have-you. But the majority is made specifially for hetero males. Evevn the lesbian stuff.
The kindest explaination would be that we of the y chromesome are visual aninals when it comes to sex. The fantisies in our heads are not vivid enough for our liking. We need visual stimulation to seal the deal.
And porn, has sounds and movement, and that alone puts it above still pictures in magazines.
Its goes deeper than that, into our very psyches. Into out very being. Our very souls.
But siffice it to say, porn is not a substitute for the talents of a real, living and breathing woman. Flesh and blood in our arms, voices in our ear, and night of great sex with our loved one.
Its simply an alternative where sex with our missus is not an option. Unless you are a robot programmed to have sex and nothing else, then you could never want sex the sheer amount that we men do.
If we could get away with fucking once an hour, we would. We can't. So masturbation and porn keeps this insatiable thirst for sexual conquest to a safe level.
Again... its a guy thing. You don't have the necessary chromasome to understand how deep the sexual instincts and desires run in our sex.
Just as we will never understand how deep the desire runs for you to cry at eveyr little thing... and just why, even if you were a great body builder, you still need men to open stubborn jam-jars for you.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (1 February 2010):
 Simple answer: These women are a fantasy. Just as some women fantasize over George Clooney or Brad Pitt when they masturbate, men fantasize over these "perfect" women.
If an average man was presented with the choice to have sex with their girlfriend/wife, or a porn star, the majority would say their girlfriend (and not because they have to either!). Men know these women are fake - fake boobs, hair extensions, fake lips, airbrushed etc. They like this "look" because it is exactly that - fake. Men dont want their fantasy to become reality, hence the whole fakeness of the girls adds to their pleasure.
The reality of porn is very different to just looking at some pictures or watching a porn movie, so just watching or looking at porn has no implications on your boyfriend's feelings for you.
It is a fact of life that your boyfriend will find other women attractive, porn stars or not. Just as you might notice a guy in the street and think he is attractive, or you might think a particular celebrity is hot. Now this doesnt mean you dont find your boyfriend attractive - it just means there are other attractive people on this planet!
You need to stop with this idea of being more attractive than the porn stars. You are competing with thousands of pounds/dollars worth of plastic surgery, plus great lighting in the studio, plus airbrushing and touch-ups in post production. If you are constantly comparing yourself to something that is not real, then you are pursuing something that can never be achieved which will leave you feeling even worse.
So stop comparing yourself to other women, stop trying to achieve the unachievable. Your boyfriend does find you just as attractive as these porn stars, if not more so. Because while looks are a big part of attraction, how you feel about that person is just as important. I am certain that he will think you are hot (otherwise he would not be having sex with you!) and I'm sure he loves you - therefore you already have one up on the porn stars. Let him have his little fantasy with these porn stars - it really is just a release of sexual tension and sometimes relives boredom, it has nothing to do with his feelings for you!
In the mean time, try and work on your own confidence. After all, you will never feel sexy or "hot" if you are not happy with your own body. We all have to learn to work with what we are given - everyone's bodies have some good bits and some bad bits. Take me - I have big boobs and a narrow waist, but then I struggle to keep my weight down, I have big hips and thighs, cellulite on my bum and a few stretch marks to top it all off. But what gives me confidence is I know I have good bits about my body and I know how to dress to make myself look good.
I think when you stop trying to fight for male attention, stop trying to make men think you are hot and start doing things for yourself, that is when you finally start to feel better about yourself. I used to think I had to dress a certain way all because I craved male attention, I just wanted one man to think I was sexy. But even when I got a boyfriend, I still didnt feel better about myself. So now I have learnt that the only way to make yourself feel confident and attractive is to:
1. Work out/exercise regularly. Yes it is boring and hard work, and a lot of the time the effort seems hardly worth it. But when you see your body improving, that gives you more confidence than any man can ever give you.
2. Eat right. Food controls your moods more than you think - when you are eating badly you will be lethargic, your skin is bad, hair is dull etc. So eating a good mix of food which is all high in vitamins and nutrients (instead of junk food which has no nutritional value!) will not only make you feel happier and help you to maybe lose a little weight, it will do wonders for things like your skin and hair.
3. Dress for yourself. When you buy clothes, buy the clothes that you like, rather than ones you think your boyfriend will like you in. Never dress for a man - always dress for yourself and for your shape. Now it sounds like you are quite slim on top and your problem area is your lower half. So the easiest thing to do is emphasise your top half and keep things simple on the bottom. Big boobs are a nightmare to find clothes for because you look slutty in everything low cut, and then a lot of tops and dresses mean you cant wear a bra. So small boobs actually look great in tops and dresses where you dont need a bra. So backless is always a good option (how I wish I had small boobs so I could wear backless!) or anything with little straps to show off your shoulders. Try writing a list of all the things you like about your body and then dress to show them off (and dont say you hate everything - every woman has some bits of her body she actually likes)
If you start to feel more confident and more attractive on your own, without needing your boyfriend to make you feel attractive - then you are halfway to winning the battle. Your boyfriend will notice your confidence and this is a huge turn on - men love women who are comfortable with their bodies and who are happy in their own skin. To a man, there is nothing worse than a woman who cannot take a compliment and moans all the time about her imperfections.
Try and remember that the male mind works very differently to the female mind - men dont have the emotional attachment to sex that women have. So when men are masturbating - it is just that, masturbation. Nothing more, and nothing less. These women they are looking at in the porn films/magazines are just an aid to "getting off". Whereas women have more emotional needs when it comes to sex and masturbating. Women tend to prefer to fantasize about their partner, they dont like the anonymity of a random male.
If you can accept that porn is just something your boyfriend uses to "get off" rather than something that is a direct attack on you, then you might just start to feel better. I'm not saying you need to grin and bear it - it is ok if you dont like porn and the chances are you never will. But if you can just accept that your boyfriend watches it and it is only because of the male mentality towards sex then maybe it wont affect you quite so much.
Accept the situation and work on your own confidence - I think that is the only way you are going to feel better about this problem.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 February 2010):
Porn offers men a quick easy visual thrill, in the same way that a woman will fantasize about some actor, or read an erotic story. That's all it is. It means nothing. There isn't anything wrong with you at all. They're not more attractive, they're not more important. They just provide him with an easy thrill.
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