A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dealing with a personal and confusing issue with my now ex-boyfriend, and have no idea what to do. We started dating a year ago. It was a very high and low relationship. Many fights. He did not want me to be friends with any male individual. He went through my phone, computer and facebook many times and weekends I did not have my son and we were out he would be mad at me for whatever reason. I am a social person but have never cheated on him at all. Times were good when we were with my son, and of course my son bonded with him. Our relationship turned and the fights started getting more verbally abusive. He would call me the "c" word or whore. One night he did push me to the ground as well and locked me out on my deck for 5 minutes. Many times I would leave places crying because of him. The problem is I loved him or maybe just think I do. We broke up in February. I have admitted to a couple things that were maybe not appropriate and apologized for that, but now it is the blame game. He blames me for everything. When I tried to get over him and could not and wanted to get back with him, he thinks my behavior is disgusting and foul. I have been with one person since we broke up but he blames me and thinks that I run guy to guy. He does not want to get back with me until I prove to him I have changed. Not sure what he thinks I need to change, but I have said the only way to do it is to try it together exclusively and maybe get counseling. He said I am the one that needs help, not him. So my heart is hurt. I cannot sit around and see him when it is convenient for him and of course then hook up. I feel used and confused. I think he has a problem, and no one wants me to ever go back to him...so why do I want to so bad? Help...
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (28 May 2013):
 When someone is with an abuser (physical or verbal) life becomes a cycle of gaining approval from the abuser. If you do something right and he/she gives you some positive attention...it sets up a pattern that you crave the positive attention.
People stay with abusers because they maybe have low self esteem and get addicted to that tiny bit of 'good attention' and they tend to ignore all the bad abusive behaviour. The mistake that is made is that the victim always thinks the abuser will change...when they won't. It becomes like a spiral and often the abuse gets more and more severe and the 'positives' get less and less. The victim takes more and more for less and less and it is usually their friends and family that pull them away, out of love for the victim.
You may think you are missing him, but you are missing the opportunity to gain that positive attention, you are missing the chance to 'change him' to 'make him love you' and everytime he shows a tiny amount of affection, you forget all the horrible things he has said or done...but those things will never go away because he knows he can get away with it, so he has no reason to change.
All the stuff about him blaming you is just his way of abusing you more...and why does he do it...because he's an abuser and you allow him to abuse you.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (28 May 2013):
Dear OP,
It's very understandable that you miss him. After all, you committed to him, you put a lot of effort in this relationship, and you probably hoped (or still hope) that he would change one day.
Your heart got attached to him and misses him - he probably had some special qualities that made you stay.
HOWEVER: You don't only have a romantic heart, you also have a brain and a survival instinct. And they told you to get out of there and they were right about it. Yes, it will be really tough to get over this and it's hard to walk away from someone you still have feelings for - but sometimes it just has to be done. If you focus on the future and getting your life together, the feelings will get less and less in the end. And someday, you'll look back and thank yourself for not running back to him.
This man is not good for you and there's no way you should get back together if he's blaming you and doesn't want to change. And even if he promised change, he's probably not able to do so.
You will need some time to fill the emptiness he has left in your life. Don't expect to be over him just like that. We don't work that way, if we miss someone. But this is not a sign you were meant to be or anything. That's bullshit. It's just your heart who's not done grieving yet.
Please don't make any get-back-together-experiments. It's like giving in to smoking again after you told yourself you'd quit. You'll regret it. There's a reason why you both broke up, so stay strong and cut all connections between you two. Your son will get over it since you were not together for such a long time.
Wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (28 May 2013):
 It appears he has no respect for you because of the names he calls you. I would not be proving anything to him about me going men to men. Its none of his business if you broke up. Im sure he is going women to women. So dont fool yourself thinking otherwise. In fact I would go talk and date more guys so he can have more to talk about. The fact that no one wants you to be back with him is good. He dont respect you and does not treat you right cause he hurts you. Some people like to be hurt. I'm not that type fooling with me they might get hurt.
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