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Why do I hate my boyfriend's ex and kids? He doesn't even see them any more!

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 January 2006) 117 Answers - (Newest, 17 November 2012)
A female , *deadrainbowpixie* writes:

My long-term boyfriend was married with 3 kids before he met me. When he met me, he left his wife and kids for me, because he was unhappy with her, and knew straight away that I was his soulmate. This was 19 months ago...

The thing is, I feel so much hate towards his ex and kids. I don't know why - he doesnt even see his kids. I find myself saying that I hope his kids die. I even drew a picture in my diary of his ex-wife and kids.. dead and dismembered, with myself standing in the background holding a knife! Now I'm thinking of making voodoo dolls of them!

Help! Whats wrong with me??

View related questions: ex-wife, his ex, soulmate

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A female reader, nokidswife United States +, writes (17 November 2012):

I completely understand you and Im sure you are not a evil person. So screw everyone judging you! In fact take a look at most of their post they hate the husbands new wife/girlfriend so that usually starts this entire cycle. The kids pick up on the mothers feelings and in return make it impossible to like them. I love my husband more than anything so now im in it for the long haul but if i could of seen this i would of never started any kind of relationship with him. 40 years old and never had kids never dated or married anyone with kids.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012):

Like others have said, I am so glad to see other souls who understand a situation like this. I absolutely hate the kid from my boyfriend's past marriage, with a woman who is a daughter of a mail-order bride (Gives an idea about the upbringing). The ex does not seem to have any idea of where her place is as the "ex post facto". In addition to all things that happened because of the kid (I won't elaborate), the kid looks just like the ex-wife and is the ugliest kid I have ever seen. I try to get myself used to the face, so I force myself to look at the kid's photos, but the more I try, the more I wonder if it actually has my boyfriend's blood.

Anyway, returning to the topic, I have tried therapies, read so many books, tried meditating, etc. Then eventually I got to a realization that there is nothing wrong with how we feel. The hatred we experience is not easy on us as many others may think. I know how I feel and I also understand why some others would be furious at the fact that I hate the kid and the ex. Neither are wrong or right; it just IS. I appreciate all opposing comments for keeping me in check with the social norm. At the same time, I want to show full empathy for the situation you are experiencing and the appreciation for openly sharing your experiences and emotions.

I sound like a spiritual nut job. :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012):

I'm a father of 4 boys ranging from 16 to 10.

I am married, not to my childrens mom.

My wife has three children of her own ranging from 23 to 15. My children use to spend lots of time with us as a whole family until my ex started to cause problems in my house now I hardly see them at all.

I believe my wife could care less if I see them or not and that is eating me up inside.

How could each partner not help a father with this issue? You know how a father would feel about them. I refuse to let my kids mom interfere with my house hold.

If I am willing to do that she should be encouraging me to see them or trying to help me figure out what to do. All they want is a dad its not their fault your husband just happened to be their father.

There is a much more mature way of dealing with this ladies. Talk express yourself so that he would do the same. If he's any kind of man for real he is losing his mind cause he doesn't get to spend time with his kids.

I know because I'm about to just totally lose it. Helpmate is suppose to help not hurt the husband.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012):

I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper is a book for anyone having difficulty coming to terms with their partner’s past relationships - brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores - Kindle or paperback!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011):

I've read all the posts on this page and am astounded by the thoughts some of you "OTHER" women have about your SO's children! Here's the way I see it...most of you were told of the children BEFORE you ventured into a serious relationship with him. If you didn't want any of part of it, then you should've stayed with the "friends with benefits" theme! Those children did not ask to be brought into this world and they have TWO parents, not a Mother and a sperm donor!

I am the proud Mom of 2 great kids. My children are raised properly and have been taught to treat EVERYONE with respect. Since their Dad has picked up the piece of trash he has, the contact has become less frequent and will probably shortly come to a grinding halt.

I've spoken to this POT and there is no doubt in my mind she hates me with a passion. I will NOT allow my kids to be subjected to the environment and lifestyle my Ex has assumed. I have full custody, so I have that right. This woman couldn't even maintain custody of her OWN kids, WTH would I want to have my kids subjected to her??

Think some of you need to take a step back and look at it from the Mom's perspective.....you just may be enlightened.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011):

Im glad I'm not the only one. I think its aweful these types of situation!. My parnters ex is on to her her fourth kid with the fourth different father. All accident of course. Ha. I have just realised she is pathetic and sad.

The reason we hate the kids is because of what the represent. Its not their fault but in my case they represent the incident of conception and the ex.

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A female reader, RooMB4 United States +, writes (18 June 2011):

I was so relieved to read your post and know that I'm not alone! My boyfriend of 3+ years has an 11 year old daughter whom I hate. He was still with his ex when I met him and separated a year later. His daughter lives with her mother and I'm never really around her but still seriously can't stand her (or the ex). The kid is a spoiled rotten brat and the ex is a money hungry witch. The main reason they even got married in the first place is because she got pregnant. He's finally going through the divorce proceedings and the witch wants child supoprt, alimony, and $$ on top of that. She's a housekeeper and only works part time and then wants him to support her lazy ass? On top of it, they live about 2 miles down the road so it's hard to put them out of my mind as I always am reminded of them. I can't stand it. My bf and I have so much in common and everything else in our relationship is great but I often find myself hoping the kid would die! I hate feeling like the heartless gf just because I don't like his kid. Seriously not sure this is going to last long term but I have a very expensive hobby and he completely takes care of all finances associated with it so that's basically what's keeping me here.

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A female reader, SurebutUnsure United States +, writes (26 May 2011):

Nice to know that there are others out here who share the same feelings as myself..No matter how "wrong" those feelings may be lol. My boyfriend has twin daughters who are 9, and I don't want to meet them. I always make other plans. It just really annoys me that he has kids. I have NONE, by CHOICE so its not like I can't. We've been together for a year, and I love him dearly, but at times I wonder if I can stay with him. All because he has these two twin daughters whom I've never even met. I've never dated a guy with kids. All the other guys I've dated had none, so it was no doubt that I was Numero Uno in their lives, but when a guy has kids? Ur pretty much moved to the Number 2 slot. Is it right? Yes, but umm, its hard to deal with. I really dislike/hate and I know I know its wrong, but hey this is a forum about this topic so I'm venting like others are in my boat lol..I thought I could handle a guy with kids but whenever I see a pic of them I see his ex, and boyyy that gets under my skin.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011):

i completely sympathise with you, i feel i am evil sometimes and going mad. Nut i have been with my partner for 1 year and a half and im 5 months pregnant. My partner was married before and has 2 children, never sees them as they live abroad, but he constantly rings them, then wen he comes off the fone, goes in a mood with me because he says he misses them. he says hes happy hes having this baby with me, but the way he talks, its like my baby is a replacement and we argued. Everything i say, always good about them because i try, he just stands there and defends them. it gets so repeative and his ex wife is a witch. I told him im never meeting any of them. i aws told i could never have kids, and wen i got pregnant, the doctor said it was a miracle. but i feel hes ruining this as hes been there done that. nobody can beat his precious twins!!!

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A female reader, that gal Australia +, writes (11 April 2011):

to Storm Dweller.. no, darling, its not always man's choice when his ex has a baby. Im case of my bf, they already decided to split up. She got pregnant in "the last minute" and he didnt want to have a child with her. But then, she knew exactly that he is good guy and he will pay money for a child. So he does, kid is 9 now, he has NOTHING to say about his upbringing. All she uses him for is money. So again, its not always man who decideds. There are gold diggers and they are willing to go as far as having a child to get money.

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A female reader, aussiedreamz Australia +, writes (21 March 2011):

My boyfriend I have lived with for the past 5 years now wants his almost 17 year old son to come and live with us.The Mother has made no effort in allowing contact between them and had only called once to ask for him to sign the boys birth certificate over to his Stepfathers name,at that time she got quite nasty.At one point she told my partner to not contact them at all.This boy has a multitude of problems,for one,he got kicked out of school and is home schooled.He has the maturity of a 10 year old and is in constant trouble for stealing and other things.I now want to tell you about what I have dealt with from my partner the last 5 years....constant cheating.He is such a womaniser that he has been found out many times calling other women,seeing other women,trying to line up dates with other women.I have been through so much with him and you probably all wonder why I have stayed,I can honestly say I have a forgiving heart and love him,crazy I know.I don't think the cheating has got to the point where he slept with any of them but as far as I am concerned it is still cheating.Recently he took a job 2 hours away and comes home once a week,he stays in a caravan in the town where he works and comes home every chance he can.He works 12 hour days.His EX called and said that her husband moved out because of the boys behaviour,that she wants to try and work things out with him and wanted my partner and I to take him for two weeks.Our relationship has not been going so well lately,we have been arguing and it's usually about the same thing,his womanising.He cannot even walk into a shopping centre with me without having to make eye contact with every single gorgeous woman and speak to her,it's wearing me down.I told my partner that under the circumstances it would not be a good idea to bring the boy into this relationship the way things are and my partner lack of support emotionally towards me at times.I try and speak to him about things and he shuts me out,he blames me for the arguing when it is because of his womanising that we argue,nothing else.I got a phone call this morning from him in an angry voice telling me clearly he was calling up the Mother and taking his son,end of story,full stop.That this is his boy and he needs to do what he has to do,with or without me.I then ask him how is he going to do this when he is working 12 hour days and lives in a small van??He stated that he will and the boy can stay with him.I explained to him that things are not good between him and I and he showed no concern for this only stating that he was sick of the arguing and would do what he has to do for his son.What do I do here?I am now going to have to deal with the lack of maturity from not only my partner but his son as well?Do I move out or do I support him when he doesn't support me at times?What do I say to him?it seems his mind is made up regardless of what I think.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011):

leave if you could... dun waste your time

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011):

This is such an old post yet so relevant today as well.

Hatred for your partners kids, the ex and the ex's hatred for the new gf: no winners but losers. What a price to pay!!!!

I find it interesting that it is mostly women who struggle with ex's and kids, men, who marry/go out with women with kids in general, do not feed the drama. Men generally seem to be more mature in handling these kinds of relationship. Perhaps this is food for thought?

Whatever the case this "hatred" is at times so unnecessary and they leave emotional scars which would not heal in a lifetime. Ironically some mistresses who instigate their married lovers to leave the wife and kids feel very angry at the ex family for no apparent reason.

Baffling but real.

LoveGirl

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011):

In response to the person who wrote the following

You should think carefully about what your boyfriend did to his x. She probably has very good reason to hate both him and you. I pray for her that she will recover from what you have both done to her and move on with her life.

He will most likely do the same to you eventually. You helped to ruin their relationship and caused her a lot of pain. You deserve to have the same done to you.

Always have respect for other people's relationships, always treat others as you hope to be treated. And don't involve yourself with people who hurt, abandon and betray.

You have no right to judge this lady and her partner - what do you know of the circumstances of why he decided to leave his ex? People do not just leave a good relationship for no reason. Rest assured he will have not done this lightly and will have decided that his love for this new lady was worth all the difficulties that come with leaving a marriage. I feel sorry for the new couple not the ex wife. He will probably have been suffering for years with the ex and the new lady rescued him from misery.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011):

I sympathetize with you on feeling hatred towards his ex and kids. I've been with my husband for ten years and he no longer has anything to do with his daughter with his ex because she is so toxic in every way conceivable. He didn't even know the child existed until he was ordered to provide paternity when the child was two years old. He looked her up to form a bond with the child, but since he no longer wanted anything to do with his ex, she made his life a living hell. He had to take her to court to get visitation and even after all that she still made it miserable for him and the child. She would manipulate the child into telling lies, until she was caught and had social services come to her house. So, now she no control over him and will never be able to take advantage of him. It's sad because she has two other kids and supposedly married, but still wants my husband. She doesn't let him see his child, but wants more money.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011):

What you feel is perfectly normal. Every minute he spends with her kids is the minute he DOESN'T spend with you. You deserve a man who will always be there for you. Think about it this way: when they all lived together like a family, he didn't have to waste his time on anyone else's kids; therefore it seems so unfair to you that you have to share him with someone else now.

Don't waste your time on this guy, you deserve somebody who can appreciate the magic of having his first baby together with you and make YOU and YOUR children feel special.

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A female reader, Storm Dweller United States +, writes (30 December 2010):

Wow. Just Wow. I'm dating a man who made it very clear what his previous relationships were, and the children that were in his life. I really like his son, and actually admire his ex for how well she cares for their son. Perhaps it helps that we are both divorcees with children from previous marriages, but the fact remains you are making a CHOICE to be with this man, and he made the CHOICE to have children with the other woman. His choice and your choice are not the children's fault nor ex's fault. Take some responsibility for yourself. If you can't handle the fact that he has children with another woman, then make another choice. Quit blaming them for your problem. It's that simple.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010):

You should think carefully about what your boyfriend did to his x. She probably has very good reason to hate both him and you. I pray for her that she will recover from what you have both done to her and move on with her life.

He will most likely do the same to you eventually. You helped to ruin their relationship and caused her a lot of pain. You deserve to have the same done to you.

Always have respect for other people's relationships, always treat others as you hope to be treated. And don't involve yourself with people who hurt, abandon and betray.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010):

I have been dating my bf for four years. I tried to be freindly with his ex and I tried to do right by his daughter who was almost 3 when we met. His ex is controling and continues to tell him what to do or at least try. He now has cut off communication and is only discussing via email. Her emails are never about the child but about things she wants from his house. She is impossible to work with unless you are doing what she wants so now I do not deal with her at all. I have cut off my fun time with his daughter so that I do not have to deal with the wrath of his ex. Not sure where this will go but I do know I don't like the ex because she has no respect for us and our relationship. I don't like the kid because she is her mothers daughter through and through, 7 and lies, manipulates and gossips. Very sad. I keep my own home because I am smart!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010):

when i first met my boyfriend i knew he had a kid with his ex, but the thing is that he never brought her up or payed any interest to his daughter for the first eight months of our realtionship.. as a matter of fact he would even deny her to me, saying he wanted a DNA test because he wasnt even sure it was his. he also told me that he just didnt feel that bond between his daughter and himself because of the hate towards his ex.. i soon come to find that all along he was still seeing his ex and spending evey weekend with his daughter.. well when the bomb exploded and i found out he completely left his ex and daughter for me. thats when all the hate messages from her ex started, i learned to ignore but it would still piss me off, he has often told her that he is through with her but she still has feelings, and to make matters worse his ex uses her child as an excuse to have contact with him. she sends him pictures of the kid and updates on his daughter almost every day. i now live with him, and all of a sudden theres this kid in his life calling him, and begging to see him. i finally met the little girl and im completely fine going out with them but theres still much recentment.. i hate her calling our place and i hate him calling her and showing so many emotions.. i feel like its not the picture he painted at first, and its killing me! i love this guy so much but i feel like the lies got out of hand and everytime he gets mad at me he runs to pick up the phone and calls his daughter becuse he knows it infuriates me.. i wish that his ex and child would dissapear and just let us be!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010):

I'm actually quite shocked at the comments on this site.

I'm 23, i've been with my fiance for 3 years. He has a six year old daughter. He was never married. It was a one night stand gone wrong but he wanted to do the right thing and be there for his kid. This lasted for just about two years, his ex had two boys from a previous relationship and so he became like a surrogate father to the boys (his ex made them call him dad).

I didn't know my fiance until a year after his previous relationship had finished. At this time he was having all three children - two of which aren't his, three times a week and over the weekend every fortnight. This changed to two as they oldest started wrecking his home and now he only has his daughter as the boy's father is now back in their lives. I had never met any of the boys until we had one over for a day out we had a couple of weeks ago and it was around a year after we had met that I actually met his little girl.

His ex really hates me, she shouts things at me in the street, she slags me off to their daughter, she gives my number out to people and gets them to shout abuse at me - these people have never met me. Probably wouldn't recognise me if they saw me in the street.

Despite all of this I can't bring myself to hate the woman. She is nasty, she's manipulative and she's been in trouble with social services for her drinking but I can't hate the woman. I feel really sorry for her. I know it must be really difficult for her seeing the father of her child happy with someone else, planning on getting married, knowing that we may have children. I get on really well with their daughter and I only met her son once but he's a lovely boy and we got on well and had great fun. It must be horrible knowing that your kids are having such a nice time with the guy that you belive should be with you and some other woman. Thinking that your life should have been like that!

I've got more reason than most to hate my fiance's ex... a little while back I got pregnant. I was asked to do a favour by a friend when I was around 6months gone - I went up to pub she was working at and covered her while she went and got her daughter from her babysitter and took her to her grandmothers house. When she returned I was walking down the stairs to leave and a drunk man fell down the stairs hitting me and knocking me down them also. My baby died. Whilst I was in the hospital, my fiance came to visit me with his daughter, who was very upset. She had made me a card and had a card from her mother also. I opened the card expecting a little sypmathy and instead it was a congratulations card - inside it said "Well done, you were a shit mom before you started".

Now I can understand a dislike toward the woman your ex was once with if she has made your life difficult. I don't however understand the hatred toward her or their children. I believe there is something fundamentally wrong with you if you have that feeling towards them. You make a choice to be with that person deal with it, you know what being with that person will mean and that you infact do not come first in their lives. I know this and I wouldn't love my man as much as I do if he wasn't this way about his child. I know he's a great dad and that's great. I now put his little girl first in my life too and include her in any decisions we make, such as holidays, our wedding, decorating the house and car, etc.

It can be too much for some people to handle. If you hate your partners children then you shouldn't be with that person, they are a huge part of your partners life.

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A female reader, cornfusedmax25 United States +, writes (8 November 2010):

I know exactly how you feel. Im going through such a hard time. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half and he is just now beginning to see his children again. He has three and i havnt met them yet, but the part that is so difficult to me is that his ex wife is doing the supervised visitations. So she is in my house where me and my boyfriend live every other sunday for 6 hours with him and the kids & i cant handle it. He gets so mad at me because its so uncomfortable for me so i dont know what to do...I dont know if i should leave him, learn to accept it altohugh its so difficult to or what. plus im obviously insecureabout it cuz they were together for 8 years and they have alot of history, i feel like i cant compete with that. I have no idea how to handle all of this, its hard because I love him and would do anything for him but this is alot to take in for me right now.

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A female reader, that gal Australia +, writes (7 November 2010):

I so agree with what Rubygirl77 said. Im in exactly same situation. I have moved in with my bf nearly a year ago. It was big mistake. He has 9 yo boy from marrage that only lasted couple of years. They split, but then ended up in bed again and she got pregnant. He was angry at her first but then accepted situation - here is soooo agree with all of you in favour of man having something to say about abortion. She really forced him to become a father. So now, she stays home (of course!!!) and gets all money from him. Anyway, when i started my relationship with this man, he didnt seem to be spending much time with his son. It definately wasnt every weekend. So for me it was good, we often had weekend away or just simply together. Mind you, that he "stole" me from my husband of 10 years with big promises of wonderful life together (stupid of me to believe). So after a while, since his son was getting older and i guess easier to take care of, he started seeing him more regularly. Now me and my bf live together and boy is here at our house every weekend - starting Sat morning till Sun about 4pm. Sometimes even Fridays. And guess what? My bf never asks me if im ok with that. If maybe i didnt have any plans.. no he will drop the bomb like "oh, btw i have my son over on Friday". Well he clearly doesnt care as he never asks if that is ok with me. He also does all the driving (his ex lives about 30-40 mins drive away), so he picks boy up and drops him off. I often told him, how about you split it with her, so that way you pick him up, and she will come and pick him back. NO! sometimes i think maybe he still has feeling for her (even though he says he doesnt)

And hence my reference to Rubygirl77 who said that kids are spoiled. So is this boy. He acts as if he was 5 not 9 when it comes to ... pretty much everything starting from holding fork and knife and ending on using the toilet. But when i try to say something - OMG! my bf is ready to kill me. Do not critisize his precious little baby. So i feel like im nobody. After coming from relationship where it would be only me and my husband to life of someone who has his own business + kid EVERY weekend ALL weekend - i cannot say that im happy with all that. I dont want to be that third person. And yes, i do hate that kid. Im glad im not alone in all this, so thank you all =)

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A female reader, AnonymousWoman963 United States +, writes (6 November 2010):

Thank God I'm not alone. My boyfriend has 2 children with his ex-wife. She has honestly never done anything to me, but I have so much hatred towards her. He is friendly with her for the sake of the children, but it enrages me and I cannot for the life of me understand why. I grew up in a society where you were supposed to hate your ex, yet he doesn't follow that trend. I love children, but I cannot get past the anger & jealousy. This has absolutely ruined my relationship with him and I don't know how to fix it. I say to myself that I shouldn't have gotten involved with a man with children, but you love who you love. I just don't know what to do anymore. I blow up at him constantly & he forgives me everytime, but that forgiveness is getting harder & harder to get. I don't know if I'm subconsciously trying to end the relationship, or if I'm just a woman in love who needs serious help.

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A female reader, chazzia United Kingdom +, writes (4 November 2010):

I understand what you are feeling My BF cheated on me and had a child behind my back. The story runs deeper he had a child with the same lady a year prior to meeting me which none of his family new about. So when i eventually found out about the affair. He had two children with this women plus the three children i knew about from a previous relationship.

So all in all he has five children. I can't wait to be a mother myself but it is so complicated and the situation is painful. I often feel resentment towards him and the woman he had an affair with as i think she aimed to trap him into a relationship. She succeeded for eight months before he came back to me as the bond between us was strong. Now i feel hopeless because it was my choice to go back with him knowing the situation. When i see pics of his kids i feel so emotional because they are not mine and he says he understands but i dont think he does. If u stay realise this is for life and if you go think about the family you will have with someone less complicated. I am still deciding what to do.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010):

you need help too control your jealously, no man is worth doing any of that for.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010):

I think a lot of people who responed to this blog or posted in this forum forgot to really answer the question. It was more in refernce to why do we dislike our boyfriend, spouse or significant other's kids.

Some of you are right in you stories, but most of you have it all wrong. I am a young, above average looking and a very successful young woman. I'd like to think that I am a fair and honest person open to all situations and backgrounds, although I know perfectly well I knew what I was getting into in the begining. I should have listened to those emotions much more carefully. We all knew and by that standard we should have been prepared for the worst and the best.

I have had the same issues with my b/f son and he refuses to give the time or the effort to me or acknowledgement. That is not his fault. He is child. That is your man's fault. He has too at some point too respect your feelings and understand that he will always have to work harder at this union then all the parties involved.

The real answer is based on how you really feel about the situation. You know you love the man but not the sitution. It's a choice ladies. More often then less you know your feelings are true for this man and although he has baggage you have the choice to leave or stay. It was there when you got there and will be there when you leave. It's a choice ladies. You would not be here if you did not have a feeling something is wrong with your relationship and most likely there is. See you and your partner decided to share a future or at least start a relationship together but somehow it went wrong. It went wrong with communication and a lack of understanding of what was right for the betterment of ALL parties involved. His children one day will grow and leave the house and in the mean time you have to put up with it. Yes, I said it. You have to put up with it. How he conducts himself through this will give true signs if he is the one you want grow old with. If you can't take it he's the wrong one. It's unfair but it's reality. There are limits, yes too what you should put up with I agree and most of you have put up with way too much.

I came to this forum to seek answers and support and I found a lot of bitterness. I'm shocked because I came in with all the same feelings as all you ladies and I sit now very differntly. I learned something...I learned that as much as I love my b/f or as much as he loves me it's choice that keeps us together. There are a lot of angry women in here and I can totally relate. I am angry too ...I find it unfair and although I gave it my shot or the best that I was capable of giving I still learned a lot, I mean a lot. I learned what I like, I learned what I wanted and most of all I know what my heart truly deserved. Yes, it sounds selfish I want what I want but as a open minded gal that I am I had to give it try. I felt, pain, disappointment, anger and resentment... all the same you ladies felt. I also felt joy, love, happiness and growth.

I love my b/f. I have no regrets. But I have live with myself. I know I want to spend all those new and special experiences with a person who is willing, able and ready to do so. I don't want to have to wait and see if it's going to happen. I want to make it happen. If your man is not ready he will never be ready. Men too know what they want. That's why they are in these situtions today ...I'm sure if not all have some regret toward their choices and circumstances.

Unlike most ladies here, I left my relationship. I left with the heartache at a older age and no marriage in sight uncertin of my future to try my chances elsewhere. Either way leaving or staying the lesson is still the same. I am alone and not any closer to the happiness I seek then I was in a relationship.

I deeply rensented my b/f's child. I disliked his sitution and there was no way out of that. My b/f carried a tremendous amout of guilt. He too was extremely unhappy with the choices he made in his life, and knew that if he didn't try to move forward despite the situation eventually everyone involved would be unhappy.

Fact is you have know what you are really really ready to accept and live with it. Your emotions and feelings will change long after that and a new better life may or not come along. Bottom line is you will heal. You can't recapture the time you have lost. So think it through and if your time is precious do the right thing.

I wish you all the very best as for myself, and thank you for you honesty.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2010):

I understand as I am going through the same situation. And no your not crazy it's the way we feel and we shouldn't be ashamed of our feelings. I wish my boyfriends kids and ex wife would go far away. I know his kids have done nothing to harm me but they are half of her and that drives me insane I feel like I am looking at her. They all robbed me of my experience with him. I will never know what it's like to be married to him. A man that I truly adore and love. We will never be scared together when our first new born is about to arrive because he already has two kids. So the bigger question is do we go or stay?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010):

I've lived with my boyfriend for over seven years now. his ex is truly a psycho but puts on the appearance of "all american soccer mom." This three kids are all failing 14, stb 12 and stb8 and SO doesn't think it's a problem. I do have children of my own and I was divorced but I never gave my children a "free pass" to rule the roost the way these dads do today. They parent by guilt b/c they are overcompensating for the fact they don't live under the same roof as the greedy shrew.

BF pays out 1,000K a month for the children, even though the BM is remarried to a guy who makes twice the money I do, Child support impoverishes my boyfriend and yet he still sticks up for the BM after she alienated all three children from us. Did i mention she WORKS for Child Protective and has already drawn up one phoney abuse report against BF which took me six months to overtturn??

LADIES, it is SOOOO not worth if even if you do have children of your own (mine are grown but BF never ceases to slam them for "perceived imperfections") I can't wait to say "told ya so" when his three are headed off to a life of welfare and riker's island!!!

DO NOT get hooked up with a man who has a "previously enjoyed family" If BF and I split up (I don't marry him b/c the greedy BM will want an increase of CS seeing that we would file a joint return and of course, not consider all the dough HER new husband is making) I will NEVER EVER be with a man who has kids AGAIN!!! PERIOD!! The stress, anxiety and literal physical ailments that accompany said stress are soooo not worth it. I used to look young for my age (I'm actually almost ten years older than BF) but I feel i've aged like 20 years over the past seven!!!

DON'T DO IT!! RUN NOW WHILE YOU STILL CAN, ESPECIALLY if you're young!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010):

girl im not the only one, that makes me happy, i hate that bitch that fucked up my guys life by having 3 bad ass kids!!!!!!!!!!!

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A female reader, Herewego United States +, writes (9 October 2010):

His kids hate you because they feel like you took their father away, from them and their mother. They feel like their father is taken away because he dissent see his kids.

If he saw his kids more often, like he should, they wouldn't see you too as the enemy, and stick up solely for their mother.

If he sees his kids more often, without his ex acting like a mad woman, or have it through the courts, then the kids wouldn't mind you.

However, the ex could be saying nasty things to the kids about you two. You would just have to wait until they are older to see for themselves that their mother was just bitter and you are just nice daddy's girlfriend, so remain that way.

Do exercise to get your mind off those damn kids and that woman for the mean time.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010):

Apart from a few people on here who have left decent comments, I am absolutely disgusted with the way alot of women belittle their partner's Ex's, and their kids.

How dare you have the nerve to hate his 'ex' or their children?. What have they done to you?. NOTHING!

As some people have mentioned, you knew he had a previous family when you got together, some of you even split their family up.

Many mention that his ex is either a psycho, unstable, alcoholic or tramp amongst other things. Well, if your partner chose to be with a woman like this then what does that say about his judgement?. What does it say about you?

As for hating his kids, that is appalling!

You have come into their lives and turned everything they are used to upside down, and you just expect them to deal with it?. How selfish of you.

How about you women who already have kids from your ex, how would YOU feel if some jealous cow of a stepmom hated YOUR kids and wished them harm?

Karma has a way of coming back, remember what goes around comes around, and also know that if your partner can leave one family, he can also leave you!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010):

I am so very glad to have found this forum. I have been dating a guy with a 9 year old for the past 3 years and she's the primary source of tension. I used to beat myself up over hating her - I was disappointed that I wasn't a better more loving person - but I've (mostly) come to terms with the fact that I hate her. And if he can't accept that (I've never hidden that from him), he's free to leave.

He feels a lot of guilt over leaving and tries so hard to compensate. He has to do everything for her - she knocked on our door past midnight just to get him to pour her a glass of water when she was standing in the lit hallway not 5 feet from a water jar and cup.

Given the choice to do it all over again, I wouldn't. Anyone who is having doubts need to think hard about their decision.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010):

I have alot of the same issues with my husband and his son. We are seeing a marriage counselor because his kid is causing so much bitterness and resentment in our relationship. His kids mother was 16 and he was 26 when they met, at an alcoholics anonymous meeting of all places. The manipulative, adhd, condescending, know it all brat just turned 10 this month and I cant stand him! My husband puts the child first, and drops me like the plague everytime the little shit calls him. We can have plans for over a week, but my husband never thinks twice about throwing me under the bus to run to his kids side. I'm sorry, but whats wrong with telling the monster that you have plans and cannot just race over there at that moment??? The counselor says that the problem stems from the fact that my husband is unable to put his marriage relationship first and because I am his second priority that we will never be able to "PARENT" the kids together ( I have one son also by a past relationship). His child is exempt from rules and discipline and no matter what the kid does his father thinks he is adorable but anything MY son does is annoying to him. He allows his son to be a wedge between us, the child knows his father will put him first and so do I, so the resentment and bitterness continues to build. The counselor says unless my husband is able to build a solid marriage realtionship and place the children in there proper pecking order that we are not going to have much of chance of making it. children need structure, guidance, discipline and love, from both parents as a TEAM, united, and as the other half of the adult relationship I need to know my husband backs me and that we can talk through things in order to be happy and secure, it's NOT going to happen, my husband is unable to do what he needs to do as an adult and parent, he would rather be "buddies" with the brat and throw me under the bus and treat my son as though he is just the hated step kid! So there you go, ruined marriage, as soon as I get my nursing license I am OUTTA here and he can find out that one day that boy will have nothing but problems with the law and drugs and probably alcohol too, he will spend the rest of his life pampering and bailing the little brat outta of life rather then allowing him to grow up. He will grow old alone because he could not get his prioroties straight.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010):

I am 36 with no kids dating a man my age with a 5-year-old. I love his child so much, but I have a great deal of resentment towards him with regard to my relationship with her. He introduced her into the relationship way too early, in my opinion, before he knew me very well. I adore her, but the fact that he has shared custody of her prevents us from being able to have conversations in which we could develop our relationship or have greater intimacy. He also lets her sleep in his bed, which I disagree with but have not mentioned because I know it is not my decision to make. This is obviously a barrier to intimacy, also. We do exhausting day-long activities with her on the weekends that start very early in the morning, yet when we are alone together, he won't even leave the house to take me anywhere because he is so tired. He does not have an established bedtime for her on the weekends, so she will stay up until 1am, then wake up at 7am, which leaves me exhausted on Monday at my job. I really did like him a lot, but I recently discovered he is still on the online dating site we met on over 4 months ago. I am furious about all the sleep, emotional intimacy, and physical intimacy I missed out on while he was apparently looking online 3 times a week and uploading new pictures trying to find someone "better". I went out with friends this weekend for the first time in months, and it underscored how mundane and boring my life with him had become. I plan to break up with him this week and never date a man with children again.

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A female reader, lmstars06 United States +, writes (4 September 2010):

Ugh My boyfriend has a 4 year old with some physco, funny thing is she was only a one night stand... and she knows it and is not ashamed of it either, she says all she wants is for him to be a part of that boys life, but ugh I really do not like the boy at all. I feel like im a bad person, but all I want is my boyfriend for myself and our son, we have a 1 year old together, and he is such a good dad (to our baby) i feel like my son feels the same way also... he does not like for the other kid to touch his dad or hug him or anything at all, its weird...

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A female reader, bullet4myvalentine01 United States +, writes (28 July 2010):

i have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years,we have lived together for almost two years.He found out 3 years ago that none of the four children he thought were his weren't.He sees them maybe once every 2-3months for a few hours.the thing is that his mother keeps pushing them on him.He never asks for them,he never calls them.but she gets a hold of them and brings them over on purpose just,because my kids are here with us.We are very happy and i know he cares for them kids,but it makes me so mad when i hear them call him dad..i cannot be around them,because all i see is his ex.they look exactly like her and it makes my blood boil to know that she still sends them over when they are not his..they have no idea that he is not their dad.what makes me mad is that his mother is angry at me ust,because i told her that she needed to stop pushing him to see those kids,to let him make the choice to call them if he wants to see them.well.she went insane and called me every name in the book,so now i am the bad person.yet his ex can call and cuss her out and yell at her and she does and says nothing.i love our life together but it's so difficult dealing with these issues.any pointers?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010):

I can relate to all the "crazy" thoughts everyone is sharing here. I feel relieved that I am not alone in experiencing how difficult this is.

It's a living HELL. I was so naive in the beginning thinking I could handle dating a divorcee with 2 kids. I have never dated anyone with children before so I figured, why not give it a shot. Boy, was I NAIVE... And by the time it became an issue I was already in 'too deep' with my boyfriend. I felt so torn & stuck because I am in love with/attached to him & at the same time I want to leave to be free of this emotional torture. When I look at those kids all I see is his ex wife & feel tormented with thoughts of them conceiving those 2 children, experiencing their first & second pregnancies together.

To make matters worse, I found out I am now pregnant. I still want to leave because even as a pregnant woman carrying his third child, I am being brushed to the side. I feel like I am robbed of the joy of experiencing my first pregnancy because he has been through it TWICE before and volunteers information about his ex's experience with her pregnancy. I cry every day about this because I know this is not how I dreamed my life would be. I say, get OUT of the relationship before you end up in the mess I'm in.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010):

Im 2yrs into my relationship with my husband, he has a son from a previous relationship. My story is kind of the other way around though. My step son was never a problem to me like he is now that Im expecting my first child. I have resented looking after him full time ever since falling pregnant. I resent being so tired but still having to do EVERYTHING. Logically I know my husband works and we are a team, tbh our arrangement is fair and my husband is wonderful and doesnt put anyone ahead of anyone else. We are ALL family. Yet lately I find it difficult to even look at the boy.

Its possibly because I am SO tired, and also my baby will need all of my energy and time (which I know has to now be divided between the two).but I really think Im just mad because I want to experience my first like his ex did and I feel cheated of it..

Im very resentful that my baby is sick, may not live and people continue to put the step child first. Make sure he gets time with the baby and doesnt feel left out ...etc..

IT INFURIATES me I dont want to have to worry about any of that, this is my first baby and Im in danger of losing that baby.

What your feeling is normal, and Im sorry to say that they only escalate once the thoughts creep into your head. If you are feeling it so strongly now Id say your heading for disaster and do need to either leave/see someone about your feelings. I wouldnt discuss this with your partner until you have sought help. It may turn into a nasty attack and blame game.

Ofcourse we feel bitter when our dreams are taken away (or as we saw them in our thoughts growing up). You feel like you are getting less than you deserve. Though you cant carry the anger with you because you will miss out on any happiness you could be feeling instead.

As for me Im hoping once I deliver it will ease a little, but I doubt it. Im not ready to leave my husband so I will no doubt end up seeing someone and trying to find some solution.

Sorry I have no answers I just wanted to say your not a psycho for having emotions, your on here so you are trying to find answers. A true nutter wouldnt do that.

BUT you do need to act on those thoughts before they get so bad something happens.

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A female reader, RainbowSerpent United Kingdom +, writes (1 July 2010):

I used to think like that, but something really changed my opinion.

I think it is very sad so many of us feel this way. I believe it is a biological instinct to protect the material inheritance of our own children. Unfortunately as many have said, it is not the child's fault, nor in many cases, is it the ex's. My partner's ex is a lovely woman, but for many years he told me a great deal of false allegations that were unfounded and completly biased to make himself look better, in the knowledge that if i knew the truth about the way he abandoned her during the pregnancy making her homeless, how he resented the child, and then abandoned them when he decided he no longer loved this woman despite wooing her back into a relationship at her own expense...then I and any sane woman would not be with him because we would be thinking WHAT IF THAT WILL BE / WAS ME WITH THE CHILD AND A STEP MOTHER WHO DIDn't know me but hated, what if my partner said all that hurtful rubish about me to make himself look less bad in the eyes of a judging society? His mistakes, not her mistakes. What if his partner hated my son, my daughter out of jealousy and irrational fear? Or even a half truth that don't really understand? Well yes, i felt quite stupid to be honest.

I love my partner, but I recognise his human limitations, and my own, but he's no saint, and i will always be guarded about the fact this he's left one woman, he could do the same to me (in fact statistically it's more likely he will). I certainly don't hate his daughter or his ex, she's nothing like me, but she's a good mother whatever image he would like to present to protect his own. But people change as i believe he has, and i know he has regrets and we will go on to build a family that includes his daughter, for her sake, so that she can have a happy non-fucked-up life wondering why her father abandoned her.

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A female reader, angel78 Australia +, writes (25 January 2010):

For sure, I'll be in line to. I think that If a lawyer can do this they would become rich! I think there's plenty of cases out there and the courts would back up for year.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010):

I hear ya girl. If this was a business fraud, the girl would be sued from left right and center. I wish there was a way to sue. Maybe if these things happen more often enough, the law could change so that we can sue. I'd be the first in line to hire a lawyer to sue for things like these.

If you are a lawyer reading this, and think you can take a case like this on, AND provide me with credentials that you have successfully helped previous clients like us to sue the hell out of these lowlife women who lied our men into impregnating them - please post here and contact me. I'll assure you, you will have lots of clients.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010):

I too feel the same. I've been with my partner nearly three years. A few months into our relationship he told me about these twins that could be his- the woman who he spent one night with had told him she was on the pill then he didn't see her for 4 months had a phone call out of the blue told him see was pregnant she was still living at home with her parents looking for a way out I think- used my boyfriend to get prgenant- he asked for a DNA test she refused and didn't contact him fo two years. then, he had a letter asking for money for child support had a DNA test and they were his.

It was all really stressful he now sees them for two hours every two weeks at his mum's house- I don't go, I just can't stand it. I hate it- they are nearly 4 now they haven't got a clue who he is and he feels no bond with them whatsoever- the woman has married someone now so I should think they view him as their dad. My boyfriends mum is always showing people photos of them and it's so fake. I hope that I can find it in me to accept them one day- I really don't know where these feelings come from- I'm usually such a rational person! These women should think about who's lives they mess up it's so selfish.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010):

i know this might sound ridiculous but is there a way to sue???!!!

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A female reader, angel78 Australia +, writes (24 January 2010):

To the last post. I know how you feel! My b/f also has a son from a previous relationship. That how i found this site to, and am becoming increasingly depressed also. He was told by his ex she was on the pill and i blame him for not using using protection as he tell me it was meaningless! And he still went on to get engaged to her. I love may b/f but sometimes i want to give on us and im not sure if i can continue and this makes me sad also. If only there was a solution.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010):

I'm very glad I found this topic. I feel much better now, and I really appreciate the post by the Anonymous Female who gave us a perspective as a child who once was abused by a step-parent. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

I am a woman going through similar dilemma in a relationship with a man who has a basket baby.

I Googled this topic because I've been very depressed lately about this issue. I am engaged to a wonderful man whom I love very much. There is just one problem - he has a biological son from a previous short relationship.

That previous relationship lasted 1 week, many years ago. The ex had told him that the doctors said she couldn't have children. So they had unprotected sex. A week later they broke up. And a year later, he received a child support bill in the mail. The ex had done it to trick him to be with her; but when things didn't work out between them, she told him that he was only good for money. He has been paying child support for the last 9 years. And will do so for the next 9 years.

I blame him for having unprotected sex with her which resulted in the birth of a basket child.

I am also angry that men don't have a choice in whether or not the child is born. I wish the mother of his child had an abortion. I wish HE had a say in whether she should get an abortion or not - and disown the baby accordingly. I hate that this child exists.

He sees the child twice a year - birthday and Christmas, and never missed a payment of child support. So he is responsible man. However, he has kept himself away from them because he hates the mother. He was ready to move on long before I entered his life.

I've talked to him about my issues a few times on this topic. My main concern is that his kid may try to get him and his ex back together again. He tells me that, that will never happen. He says he will cut his - in his words: "basket baby" - out of his life if the kid tries to tear him and I apart. He says I'm his life now, and I'm the most important thing to him.

He hates his ex, but for the sake of the child, he wants to carry out his responsibilities as a father. He wants to have a child with me. I tell him that he already has one, but he says to me: "I don't have a child because I don't have a child with you." He says his "basket baby" doesn't count.

He tells me that I will always be the first in his life, which is why he wants to marry me. He admits that he never wanted that child in the first place.

I wish that there was a way to sue the hell out of that mother for lying to him about not being able to have children (and make him liable for child support). She also has 2 kids from two other failed relationships - same thing... for the child support. I find it so sad that there are women out there who would trick guys to have babies with them just to get money. Those women wreck people's lives AND the lives of their children by bringing them to unwelcoming half homes.

I do love my fiancee, and would fight for us. Although occasionally I just want to give up and leave him. Sometimes I hate him so much because he has this child.

I guess maybe I hate him because I love him so much? I don't know.

But then other days, I think about the child - it's not the child's fault that he was born... It was his crazy mother who wanted money... Then I feel bad for the child.

I told my fiancee that I never want to meet his biological son. Although, I do hope that one day I will find the unconditional love in my heart to welcome the child into my life. That will take time.

If that doesn't happen, I guess our relationship will not work out. The thought of his makes me very sad. I wish that our love will overcome this unsettling issue.

I'll keep you posted.

I wish you all well. May you find the inner peace you are searching for. I will continue to search for mine.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010):

omg it‘s like reading about my own life...my bf has 2 kids..and i hate it im happy that im not the only one like this ... thats true trying to deal with his kids is hard and stressful so you will always need a support from your man, but if there is no support then its impossible so u need to explain that to your man i told mine that i dont feel anything towards his kids i dont hate them but i dont love them...i dont care they just like a kids i would see on a street...he said that its fine,...i was honest and thats the key

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010):

I am so glad I found this post. My parnter has a eight year old with his ex's. And I have planned to work when he has access to the kid. I have started to resent both of them. I wish I knew why. It has started to cause problems between my parnter and I. I guess it take a special person to be able to deal with someone else kid. If theres any tips out there, would be appreciated!

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A female reader, arc United States +, writes (20 October 2009):

I have some advice for the bio-parents. We can completely get rid of these forums if there is more understanding, communication, acceptance, and religion in our relationships. If you don't believe in God, please stop reading now, because you won't like my answer.

1. Bio-parents, appreciate the HUGE sacrifice your new partner is making by taking on both you and your children. You think being a parent is the biggest sacrifice, it is not. Being a step-parent is by far the bigger sacrifice. Love that person with all of your heart and soul and thank God for them each day. Let your children know what a blessing from God this new person is and that the two of you are united as one. Do not ever let your children see weakness in the two of you. You will fight, but don't let your children see that.

2. Bio-parents, encourage your ex to work with your new spouse. If you ex will not work with him/her, appreciate your new spouse even more. The ex is going to make his/her life hell, and they are going to need even more support and love from you and your children.

3. For all of your people who keep saying the children come 1st, that's how it is and always will be, get out your bibles. This is one of the main reasons you are on this forum. The children were never meant to come 1st. That is way too much power for a child that is not in the best of circumstances to start with. Look at your marriage/relationship as a pyramid of love. You and your spouse are united at the top, always putting each other 1st. Right below you are the children (step and/or bio) reaping the benefits of all that love showering down on them. Children need to see a strong united front from the parents (step or bio). They will not see this if they are coming 1st. Men and women were not meant to accept being 2nd in a marraige. If we weren't meant to do it, guess what, it doesn't work. For all of you men and women saying to your new spouses things like, my children will always come 1st, you can come or go but they will stay, they are irreplacable and you are not." Go on and pack your new spouses bags because they either will eventually leave you or you will live with their resentment for the rest of your life.

3. Your love for your child is unconditional. It is the closest thing on earth there is for the way God loved us. It is not the same for a step-parent/child relationship. Remember this and do not expect too much. This person is trying to love YOUR child as you do. That is all you can expect of them. The children may not respond and that love may eventually die. Teach your children that love from you is there no matter what. Love from the step-parent is more like a bank. You get out of it what you put in it. Cold, maybe, but true. We don't see your children like you do, we aren't capable. If your children love us and treat us with respect, we will love them and it is easy, Unfortunately this will not always be the case. Both you and the child need to understand that if the child treats the step-parent badly, doesn't show love or respect, ignores them, isolates them, etc. The love the step-parent tried so hard to feel will turn to resentment, then you end up on here. Bio-parents, it is your job to keep the boat going in the right direction. Tell your children this family is on a boat of love, respect, rules, and discipline. Make sure everyone understands what is expected of them. If any member of this family does not wish to participate with the family, they can get off the boat. That would apply to a spouse as well as a child. If you say to yourself, I don't care what my child does, I would never ask them to leave, get used to being alone or living with constant strife with your spouse. No one should rule the home but the mom and dad, or step mom or dad. Children should have lots of love but limited power. I think all of you (mostly women) step-parents out there, if you had a man who showed you love and attention, always put you 1st, encouraged a working relationship with the ex or at least demanded the ex respect you and cut him/her off if they refused, if they demanded respect out of the children and allowed you to warm up to them at your own speed and if we stopped forcing ourselves to feel things that aren't natural, like unconditional love for a child that isn't ours, we wouldn't be on this forum. Bio-parents, give your children simple but firm rules, Make the consequenses for every action known to all and stick with it. Stop forcing your new mate to deal with your children. This person didn't choose to have this child with you. Don't think just because they married you they are obligated to that now. You and your ex are the only 2 people obligated to do anything with or for your children. Anything the step-parent does should be praised to the highest because it is out of pure love for you and/or your child. Unfortunately divorce is inevitable. Hate for the products of these divorces is not, but it will be if we don't change our attitudes. Step-parents, pat yourselves on the back. You are a blessing from God. True angels on earth. Bio-parents, try to recognize that!!!!!

Last but not least, remember your parner is FOREVER. Your children will grow up and have their own beautiful family. You want to make sure the person you intend to grow old with still sees you as the most beautiful thing in the world when the children are gone. You will have that if you make them feel that now. Put one another 1st and together you can show all children the love they deserve. The children may resent this at first, but they will have more love and respect for both of you in the long run and your marraige will soar with God under your wings. I hope this has helped. Pray, Pray, and Pray some more. Through him all things are possible, even being a step-mom.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009):

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. Im 22 and he's 39. trust me, my young spirit and him being more wise compliment eachother. He has a 6 yo, 9 yo, and 12 yo. they live with us all the time because he has full custody. its not that i hate or even dislike the kids. Ive grown to the fact that they come first as it should be. his kids are just really disrespectful. especially the 12 yo which is a boy. he never does what i ask him to do. he's always acting like he's going to hit me, or when he walks past me he stomps the floor relly hard. i think he's trying to intimidate me or something. he did it yesterday, and then dared me to tell his dad. when i did, my betterhalf just said, well he's a boy, that's how boys are. which the kid overheard and then said "dad wont punish me because he loves me more than you and he takes my side. youre only here to wash our clothes and feed us and if you werent around, he'd just find someone else to do it. just face it, you're replacable and i'm not." i was too shocked to say anything or even cry or get mad. i just sat there while he smirked and walked off. Theyre mom is no good. im beginning to think that she's telling them bad things about me when she gets a wild hair and picks them up. but whether it's influenced or not, i just cannot allow that right? i mean that is totally unacceptable behavior. Im scared to even tell my boyfriend, because what if he does take the boys side? i mean those kids have made me look like a liar before, why not again? i just dont know what to do. they also are always asking if he still loves theyre mom and things like that. i just cant understand this.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009):

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years and I absolutely hate his children (14 & 18) and the impact that they have on MY life. They really aren't bad kids at all, I just hate being 3rd all the time. My boyfriend has no consideration for me at all, despite me putting myself out for him and his kids all the time! He never says no to them, especially the youngest and whatever she asks for she gets - even if he really can't afford it! It's like he tries to make-up for not being with them full-time by thinking he can buy their love! Most recently what has really p****d me off is that he's been diagnosed with throat cancer, they couldn't give a damn about him and he just thinks that it's their way of handling it - absolute crap! They never ask how he is, I had to MAKE them visit him in hospital; on father's day I bought extra presents for them to give him to make him feel special and loved (how stupid am I??) and when we had a row about them soon after F.day and I told him that I had bought the presents, balloons etc. did he even show any appreciation or say anything about his kids not caring - NO!!!!

This week has been completely taken up with doing stuff for the 14year old's birthday and with going to and from the hospital, to put it bluntly I am absolutely knackered and thought I would use this afternoon to have catch-up on sleep, just him and me...... OH NO, the bloody kid text'd to say that she wants to visit the dog (who stays with us) and could she bring a friend.... guess what he said yes!! meaning that we both have to be up and around.... WHAT ABOUT ME??? WHAT ABOUT WHAT I NEED? WHY CAN'T HE SAY NO TO THEM?? I am at the end of my tether, I want to leave him trouble is I love him, but this whole situation is just ruining my life and he doesn't care at all.

As I write this I realise that I'm the stupid one, don't think he cares for me at all, what am I still doing here??

Advice, stay away from men with children - you will always be the last priority, even if he promises to put you first more often, you never will be and lastly never make THREATS about leaving him because of it..... He will call your bluff because you don't mean as much to him as his children and then he will always have the upper hand.

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A female reader, notamama United States +, writes (6 July 2009):

I think I have made a terrible mistake moving in with my bf and his 13 year old daughter. At first it was fine, she seemed cool, but then I noticed the jealosy and everytime my bf wants to go somewhere with us 2, she gets all pouty when she finds out I'm coming too. Then I overheard her saying she wouldntr mind if I died! Two faced brat! I would move out today but my bf cannot afford to live there on his own right now, he's unemployed and stressed. But that kid, I could really just...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009):

I have been with my partner nearly 4 years, he left his wife and 2 kids (nearly 3 and 16 months at the time)shortly before we got together. It was a dreadful relationship by all accounts, his family and friends disliked her. I too feel extreme jealousy towards the children, we have split up once and I have tried so hard to be a better person and try and put these thoughts out of my head but I can't. She continues to demand things from him, I have to support us, including his children, as he can't afford child support as well as supporting them 3 days a fortnight at our home. Good job I am well educated, unlike her who doesn't work and never did once the children were born. I resent the children, her and him. I am planning on leaving. It takes a special sort of person to sit back and put up with this crap,I just can't do it!!!!

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A female reader, lertie Australia +, writes (10 May 2009):

I can totally relate to where you are coming from and I'm so glad I've found this thread so that I know I am not alone in my feelings.

My partner & I have been together coming up two years, his daughter is 18 months old. When we got together I know the psycho (as we call her) was pregnant I was sure I could handle it I'm a strong woman. They had broken up and he stupidly slept with her a few times, she said she was on the pill but ta da - she wasn't. She thought a baby would get them back together.

We ended up moving interstate to get away from the ex and all was perfect and peaceful.

Until Easter that is, I tried to do the right thing & helped him send bday & xmas presents was totally civil to the psycho and they had the big meeting.

Ever since the meeting I am not coping. I am used to being number 1 in my partners eyes and I do not want to have to compete with his child that he never wanted. I know that's not the 'right' thing to feel but that's how I feel.

I'm just about to have a big talk to him about how I feel about it, I'm sick of pretending that it's all okay & being there for him and his feelings. What about me & my feelings??

I honestly (and this isn't to be mean) feel that the child has fetal alcohol syndrome, she has not developed normally and really had that fas look.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009):

Dont date guys with daughters!!! It will ruin your life. I will never, ever do it again

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A female reader, dino United States +, writes (23 February 2009):

I live with my borfrind for 2 years now when I met him he was married with 2 girls, the 3 months later he left them because he was having a lot of problems with her, but I know he did it because he wanted to be with me. Since then he has to see his two girls one is 7 the other one 11 and they just act like im a nobody i have a daugher from my ex, and now I have a 1 year old baby from this guy but he wants to see the every month for 3 days have them here all the summer vacations, I want to visit my mom on summer but he doesn't want me to go because he wants me to take care of his daughters while hi works in that time, the ex is taking all the money she can from him on child support, I just can't take it anymore, Im really thinking of leaving him and just start on my own because I know his daughters dont like us me and my two girls, they use to email him bad things about me, he said that stop, but every time im not around they tell him things on his ear, I just hate them so much I had so many pressure on me with them that I had my baby premature, and I just feel like crying all the time.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009):

his girls have made my life impossible even thought we dont live in the same state he sees the 3 days a month I cant like them in any way they are so mean

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009):

i am in the same situation , my bf have one small child from previous marriage and take him 3 days in a week ,and i realy hate him and the ex-wife even more when i know that the ex-wife make this kid only by her decision ,to get money from him

i am with him for 2 years now, and on the biginning i was thinking it will be ok but after a time i hate so much that the kid come at us, and all the complication with his ex and money .... i even end up to live in another remtal apartment for the 3 days on week

i told him to live the kid at her and all the complication will finish but he dont want to

i dont know haw much will hold on really so i understand completely your thoughts (sorry my matern language is not english)

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A female reader, USEDTHENABUSED United States +, writes (15 February 2009):

Here's my story. I met my ex-boyfriend and he moved in with me after he lived in several places before. We never discussed his kids coming to live with us - they were living with his parents after being removed from the mother who went to prison. Well, we fought about it but I eventually told him I would give it a try. Everything went well for a while and then his 12-year old daughter began manipulating him - she could do no wrong - and I became the bad person. I tried very hard to be the mother to her that I was to my 13-year-old son but my ex would not let me - always protecting her - his guilt. He was an alcoholic and I was able to deal with him but with the alcoholic and the manipulating daughter became too much, I asked them to move out, along with his 14-year old son. We stayed together for 2 more years but his drinking, his lying and the children learning his behavior finally made me come to my senses and leave him. I will now wait til my son is 18 to persue a relationship. Children are very manipulating and they feed off the guilt the father has for leaving them and they know how to use it. And after learning this hard lessen, I will always be #2 or #3 or #4, depending how many kids that person has. But I believe that a real man who really loves you will make you #1 because the parents should rule the house together, not the children.

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A female reader, Rubygirl77 United Kingdom +, writes (5 February 2009):

It's wrong to wanna harm anyone, but I can understand the situation, my partner has 2 children with his ex, they split up a year or so before I met him but she always tried to control when he could see me when we first started dating.

I don't have any kids myself and to be absolutely honest I don't want any either, never have never will. At first I thought I would be ok with his kids, I used to see them and things were ok, I was never completely comfortable but it wasn't too stressful but that changed when we moved in together and now they come to the house every weekend, they're loud and demanding and believe it or not at 6 and 7 years old they couldn't even eat with a knife and fork as their mother had always cut up their food for them and they ate with spoons. I couldn't believe it!!!!

These days I always go out when they visit, it's just easier all round, my partner doesn't have to try and keep them quiet or chastise them for being naughty if he doesn't want to, and trust me he doesn't want to shout at them as he feels guilty for not living with them still. I wish they didn't exist but they do and I know full well they are far more important to him than I will ever be. I've thought about leaving but for me that isn't the answer, I'd be lonely as hell without him so I suffer in silence and hold my tongue when I think the kids are in need of some discipline.

I know several people on this thread have said it's normal to resent them but I just feel like I'm always in the wrong, if I ask him if he had a good day with the kids he thinks I'm being sarcastic, if I tell him I don't wanna know what he's done with the kids then I'm just "being a bitch" cos he hasn't spent the time with me.

I don't think there is anyway to make this work the way he wants it too, I'm never gonna be a "step-mum" to his kids, they have a mother and while I may disagree with her methods of raising them it's not my place step in and take over, and trust me, if at any time I did discipline the kids she would make sure he never saw them again.

So what do you think????

Is it time to cut the ties and go our separate ways????

Or is there some way that I can make this all a lot smoother (preferably without spending time with the rugrats)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009):

I think it so wrong for anyone to say they want kids to die. I can understand wanting the ex to go away but kids are innocent.

I am in a similar situation with forty-two year old man who at the beginning of our relationship which was approximately eight months ago was telling me how he was going to leave his wife of ten years and how they didn't love each other anymore. About a month after we started seeing each other she found out where I lived and came to my door one morning to my surprise as he was leaving. That morning she asked him for a divorce. To this day I feel like he would not have left her or be going through this divorce if she had not told him she wanted to divorce him and told him to leave. I have read emails he sent her around that time saying the he will always love her and that he would never have left he and his kids. They have yet to be divorced and the date it is to be finalized is supposed to be next month and has already been prolonged for three additional months. I just don't know how much more I can take. She is always manipulating him and that makes me feel bad cause I feel like he puts her needs before mine. He says he wants to marry me, but his allegiance is to her. I wonder if things will be like this always. I feel like I will always take a back seat to what she wants because she has their kids. How can I compete with that? Now that they are divorcing she wants to go back to school and of course she has guilted him into paying for. Coincidently, the same day I told him about me wanting to return to school, he later tells me that she wants to go back to school. I don't think it is right for him to be taking care of her that way. I guess I will have to support my own education because the mother of his children wants to go back to school now. Why? Cause she didn't want to work anymore and since he is no longer there to take care of all her bills and pay for a nanny, and allow her to not work. Now he is going to give her spousal support for two years, when Texas doesn't even make that stipulation in divorce. How can he do this and tell me he wants to marry me in six months. I feel like my life is on hold. I have to wait for my security.

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A female reader, kiki_24us +, writes (15 January 2009):

It has been a while since I have been on I hope the best for you two but like I said if he did it to his wife with kids he will do it to you and if you two have kids together any man that is willing to be with someone that will say that they hate there kids is WORTHLESS and the person that says it is just jealous that they could never be nor compare to what he had!!!! Those kids have done nothing to you are you scared that they will the center of attention and you will always be put second when it comes to them and how would feel if someone would say that about your children if you had any? It sounds like you are still a kid to say something of that matter!!! HATE is a big word when it comes to the kids maybe to say it about his Ex Wife that is fine but what has the kids done to you! You really need to grow up and stop being a kid yourself!!!!!!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008):

Here we go... I am an 19 year old girl from new york city. My boyfriend is 32.We have been together for a year now, he has 2 children from a previous relationship a 4 year old boy and a 6 year old girl. I love the children. but as said before i would be much more comfortable if there mother was DEAD! i feel so insecure when my boyfriend and his ex are fighting over the kids things and the money situation... but in the end who pays for almost everything? ME.... who drives the damn kid to school? ME.. who goes everywhere and pretends to care about this stupid stuff? ME... i love my boyfriend more than anything i wouldnt give him up for the world but this baby mama and children thing is taking a real toll on me and i dont know how to tell him... when i try to talk about it he bring up my ex,(were still friends) but one thing.. I DONT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM! we arent bound together for 18 years... and another thing... he also has an ex-wife... seperate from the mother of his kids. She also calls constantly... im starting to realize his attention is too divided... i understand the children but i feel i have to get out of this relationship because it's slowly dragging me down making me feel bad about myself and its starting to make me hate his children and no child deserves to be hated!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008):

well...I googled this three hours after my boyfriend's ex gave birth to their baby. He did not leave her for me, however he and I work together so our friendship (not relationship) predated their split. He had been trying to get out of a very unhappy relationship for some time, she already has two children whom she used to blackmail him into staying (they had only been together 2 years, the kids aren't his). She became pregnant to trap him. he was honest from the start, he is from a broken home himself and knew the damage this can cause, so told her straight that he would do everything he can for the child but that it would not 'save' their relationship. She mistakenly blames me, and has not accepted that they are done. His family think she is a bunny boiler (to quote them directly). I have just stepped away from my computer to see him for a few moments, it was the hardest 5 minutes of my life, but I love him and will support him - even when (as she has already tried to do) she uses the baby as a weapon. This child will be the sibling of the children I am yet to have, it is our task as humans to put the needs of children before our own, even though that is very very hard - and is only exacerbated when manipulative and jealous women use their children as pawns in a game. I plan to let my boyfriend go and spend all the tme he needs, if we are truly meant to be I know who it be he will come back to, and I will never let anything to get in the way of his bond with his child. I hope I am doing the right thing, we have talked and talked and our love is too strong to walk away from.

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A female reader, boootz9 +, writes (25 November 2008):

hello...Well, as you can see, you are not alone on what I think is a natural phenomenon in the human experience. I feel that when we (females) find a mate that we are ready to settle down with, the last thing on our list is another female and her offspring taking away his attention. I feel that if my boyfriend's daughter didn't have a mother, I would totally except her with open arms, but the reality his, she has a mother, and quite frankly is a spoiled child that gets a huge chunk of my boyfriends salary and on top of this her mother doesn't have to worry about a thing since her father (a wealthy business owner) bought her a house and pays for everything! Meanwhile...my boyfriend lives with his mom in a low income apartment (strange...but he is on active duty in the military so it's a little different situation)

Anywho, I feel guilty about the feelings of anger and yes, even hate that goes through me at times. I am a 25 year old woman, who has never had kids, and who (believe it or not!) is still waiting to have full-blown intercourse until marriage (call it retarded, but hey..I guess I'm "old skool)

So you can imagine the thoughts that cross my mind of hate and jealousy towards this child who he made with someone else (through a 1 night stand...ugh even worse!)

I too wish she didn't exist...like I said if she had no mother it would be different, but it urks the hell out of me when she says..things like "daddy why don't you come bowling with me and mommy...or things like.."Mommy took me here, mommy takes me there.." of which my boyfriend feels bad about (even though it his his child support that is paying for it!

Well, I read another post, and she is 100% right when she said that we only live once and to cherish this life! WHen I feel aggravation from this situation, I too take a deep breath and try to see things clear...but then I realize that I am making a mistake in being with a man who prioritizes a relationship that I cannot accept. I wish it was easy to let go of the one you love but if it was, I would've left by now!

I suggest to all women who don't have kids to NOT get yourself involved with a man who does. You will not be able to start a strong foundation of being each other's #1 and moving on from their to starting a family. Instead you will start off as #2 to someone else's child and will have to live with the fact that the mother will be in his and your life as long as your together!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2008):

**** PLEASE READ!**** Iknow this is a very old thread

but I feel it is a very poigniant one.I am 25 Married with 2 children (one from a previous relationship and one with my husband)who has 2 children from a previous marriage.I also have gone through this and am finally coming out the other end. I have been with my husband for 3 years and married 1 and a half. When I got together with him I didnt get to meet his kids. He had only just left his ex wife and had found it very hard to leave his kids. I had to deal with the upset and the guilt that he had as well as worry that he might have gone back to her "for the kids sake' as he had done in the past. As time went on he stayed with me and we spent a lot of time together separate from all kids (my mum had my little one when we went on hol).

After that things became serious and I met the kids. I was very anxious and felt them to be a real threat as they were his pride and joy and got upset whenever they had to go. I started to feel jealous as being in the first stages of a relationship wanted his undivided attention and focus and as selfish as it sounds, wished that they would go away. I did hope that he would be one of those dads that stopped seing his children, but as his dad did the same to him in the past he vowed that he would never do that to his kids even to my total displeasure. His eldest daughter looks so much like the ex wife and I found it so hard looking at her while my husband cuddled her and fussed and they both wold talk permanately about their mum and also about the 'times when daddy lived at home with mummy' and all the things they did and rememberd doing together. This broke my heart and I fell deeper into a depreesed state and disliking for them. It didnt help that the ex lives round the corner on the same street as my mum that I visit frequently.

Our relationship nearly came to a halt when I decided I couldn't cope any more and said as I couldnt make my husband choose between me and his kids then I would just leave him. I felt so guilty and pathetic for the way I felt and thought, and felt very alone."I must be sucha bad person for feeling/being like this". There were many months of tears and I really felt I had to compete with his ex as she was intelligent, popular, outgoing and confident and didnt care what others thought,totally the opposite from me. The ex has also gone to school with my husbands sisters and was very friendly with them even though she and my husband had cut ties a while back, she even wnt clubbing with all of them at least once a week and socialised in other ways with them. I felt so left out and disliked by my in laws. They never said they didn't like me, but they never botherd with me and preferred to spend time with his ex. All these little things added to the resent towards the ex and the children. No one could say a bad word about her as if she was so perfect and she never has a bad word to say about others. I even triedto make conversation with her, but she literally blanks and ignores me, on the doorstep or if I see her on the way to my mums or out shopping.

It got to the point that I belived that if my husband and I had a child of our own that I wouldnt feel this way. We tried for 2 and a half years for a baby before realising that my husband had a slight fertility problem. I began obsessing about babies and resented his ex and the kids that bit more. 'Why was she lucky enough to have 2 kids with him easily?". It wasnt fair. We saught medical help and later had a beautiful baby girl together.

Meanwhile in all this, not forgetting I have a child myself living with me from a previous relationship who doted on his new step sisters and his step dad who didnt quite feel the same about him!. (I know, this is rather a mad web!). My husband was never that interested in my little boy who strove to get my husbands attention and love frequently. this broke my heart watching the rejection on his little face as my son begged him to play with him.

At this point I took a step back and looked at this whole mess. How could I even have the right to critisise my husband about how he was towards my son when I was like that towards his girls. I put into perspective how it made me feel and knew tht I was also making him feel this way. I tried to rationalise and spent time with my family and friends that I knew loved me rather then dwelling on the in laws that didnt bother with me. I just tought 'I don't need them' and 'the ex is welcome to them, its their loss". I've tried to spend more time with the step children even on my own which was hard at first,but they are very good to me. I even find that when they come over that they are more interested in seing me and doing girly things then they are their dad!.

And as for his ex wife, she still doesnt like me and ignores me in public, but ive made a point of not shying away from answering the door when she arrives and saying hi with a big smile on my face regardless of the response or lack of I get from her. I know I come accross better and feel more self worth and satisfaction for it. If I get any horrible thoughts or jealousy, I take a deep breath and immerse myself with the people and things I enjoy. I find distraction does the world of good.

My dad died 8 months ago suddenly of cancer and that put the whole world into perspective. I'm 25 married with 2 lovely children and 2 step children who dote on me. You only get one life and one oppotunity to be happy. Where will it get you living in the past full of resent and hatred, just push forth and be the best mum/dad/partner/wife you can be. I remember my dad telling me he would give anything to get another chance at life and to be with his family. He didnt get the chance, but I'm lucky enough to.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008):

I am so pleased I found this page aswell. Feel relieved I am not alone. The difference with me is I know I am so wrong! I have a partner who I have been with for four years he left his partner and 2 children for me. For the first year I was not living in the same town so did not meet his children until I thought we would definitely make it, didn't want to cause them grief. Now that they are in my life I don't like how i spend my time, energy and money on them with him as I am at the stage where I want my own children and I want my partner to be fully committed to me so he will always be there for our children. I know this is wrong but I just don't want my children having step bro/sis as my partner had plenty he doesn't have a problem with it. My parents are still together and I am one of three children, they are so perfect I think I struggle because I want that fairy tale and with my partner I can not have that! I think I have to get out so I don't turn into a bitch towards the kids I only think it at the mo.

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A female reader, stressedfabulousgirl United States +, writes (30 October 2008):

you are not alone!!! when i googled this sublect i was so happy to find a place where so many people felt the same way. i was just thinking the other day how i wish i could kill her and the kids. i despise her with every bone in my body. we got together before they were divorced and he left her for me. he had sooo much guilt to deal with that the past two years have been a nightmare. he had such guilt for what he did that he went to extremes to shelter her feelings all the while mine were getting ripped to fucking shreds! every other word was its because of the kids. fuck those kids is what i say! all of my friends tell me that you should be glad he loves his kids so much. i guess i am but, to me, the kids represent her. if it werent for them he would never have to talk to her see her OR pay her 15,000 a month in child support and alimony. yes you read that right. all she does is go to spa's and to new your to shop. she never disciplines them. i must say that the kids are sweet and when they are with me i enjoy them - except for the fact that they say my mom this or my mom that about a hundred times a day. at that point i am ready to scream and tell them their mom is a bitch and i hate them too. it realy sucks when you and your boyfriend are at your home- the ex comes by to drop off the stuff- and he turns down your picture on the talble to 'not rub salt in her wound'. i was devastated! he didnt want to do that to her, but what about what it was doing to me! i know my life would be great if she didnt exist. he didnt even want to marry her or have kids. but he did and now the life i want to live with the man i love cant be all i want it to be. i will say it again. i hate his kids and i am fake everytime i am around them or ask about them. honey, you are definitely not alone! i would never do anything bad to anyone! i do hate that i have these feelings but i cant shake them no matter how hard i try! my advice to anyone getting involved with someone who has an ex wife and/or kids - dont do it!!! if you are already in it like alot of us on this site good luck!! anyone who doesnt agree with me has obviosly never been in this situation and doesnt know what they are talking about.

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A female reader, hippichick United States +, writes (18 September 2008):

There is nothing wrong with you. I'm a peaceful, centered person...except for one thing. The goddamn ex-wife and her little mini-me's! Just hearing her stupid name gets me seeing red! My man made a big mistake when he married her ass. All she did was cheat on him and treat him like crap for 10 years! She left a huge mess for me to clean up, and for that, I HATE her! I don't want anything to do with her ugly kids, either! I feel that he and I would have been alot better off if he would've never hooked up with her. I totally believe that! I know it's not the kids' fault, and blah, blah, blah...but I cannot help but feel animosity towards them. I feel that, instead of trying to find them, he should concentrate on his CURRENT family! Screw them! They're gone, and I wish he would get over it. I wish there was a way that I could erase his memory, and make him forget everything that happened in his life before me. I know that sounds really shitty, but I can't help how I feel. I secretly hope that he NEVER finds them. I don't want me& my children (who are also his) to have to compete for his love or his resources!!! Wherever they are, they can just stay there!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008):

I too Googled this subject and ended up here. I don't care that this topic is old - some of you offered some valuable advice that replaces any psycho babble from a therapist. I'm divorced for 18 years and never had kids. My boyfriend of almost 3 yrs is in his early 50s, Im in my late 40s. He has two boys from his only marriage, a marriage which ended when his ex gave up and walked out on he and the boys when they were 5 and 6 years old. He raised them singlehandedly. OK, so they arent babies anymore. One just turned 21 and the other 19. Both boys have moved out of the house, had job after job, wrecked cars, gotten girls pregnant, burglarized, shoplifted, been to jail, strung out on cocaine, strung out on Ecstasy, sold drugs... the list goes on and on. All of this in one year! They punk their kind hearted father, beg for money, one is in college and refuses to get a job, the other would rather sell Ecstacy than work. When they lived in his house last year, they threw fits when they didn't get their way and trashed the place. Doors broken, chairs destroyed. Dad told them to get out and live on their own. They are lazy and have to be begged to do anything around the house. Remember, these arent babies - they are 19 and 21 years old. Dad tries to put his foot down but he still feels responsible for their rotten asses and cant seem to grasp the concept of tough love. So now the 21 year old is BACK HOME because his stupid ass has nowhere to live. He has torn up his girlfriend's apartment and smacked her around so now he has nowhere to go. So now Dad has to stay home every night and keep the little thug in line so he doesn't sell drugs out of his house and tear the place up in the process. This living arrangement is supposed to last 30 days. I live in my own home but of course this put the brakes on our relationship because he has to stay home and babysit the 21 year old loser. He has unconditional love for these asses. People, I dont want to hate anyone as much as I hate these two kids and his worthless ex-wife. She of course has been trying to get her foot back in his door since I came into the picture. That bitch is the least of my worries. Their "behavior" accelerated when Dad told the boys that he was getting ready to remodel his home for he and I to live in, I would sell my house, and we have talked many times of marriage. Now... SCREECCCHHH... These effing overgrown man babies are acting out on purpose and I loathe them for it. I needed to hear other people say they resent their significant other's kids. I needed to hear you guys say that kids come first, get over it or get out. I'm thinking of getting out. My summer is ruined. The one that is 19 has an unwanted baby on the way in a couple of months and refuses to get a job. I guess we can see where this is going. The 21 year old's baby is retarded because he and his girlfriend STAYED HIGH during her pregnancy, and I dont mean weed....I am beyond pissed. I am afraid this running back to Daddy's house crap is never going to stop. I say these idiots are old enough to lay down and have babies, so they are old enough to get and keep a job and find their own way. Hell, maybe I do need a straight jacket and some medication. Because the way I feel right now - I'm scaring myself with the depth of this hatred.................

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008):

So true to life is this situation, I live with a man who cant say no to his kids. His 16 year old daughter came home and said..I want to stay at my boyfriends over night..so he let her since he knows she is having sex anyhow...I told him he is wrong and thent he troubles began...now Im the one on the outside looking in..Kids come first and thats that...His kids are total users and he is so nice he doesnt even see it..now we have the two boys "girlfiends sleeping over" there are no morals here..so on with life...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008):

I think this whole thread is a perfect example of why male or female, if you have kids and are separated from their biological parent, you should not re-enter into another relationship.

There are so many cases in the press where step-parents abuse step-children physically or sexually, there are even many many cases of deaths caused by this jealousy.

I myself was a victim of a step-parent who resented us and though she never resorted to physical or sexual abuse she would make us into an issue to make our father resent us. She would verbally abuse us with “you are ugly, just like your mother” she would refuse to let us stay at her house for access weekends sometimes and mean that we would end up sleeping on the couch of one of my dad’s friends a lot (resulting in us getting sick from lack of sleep and cold). She would say that we had done something wrong to get us punished so that we would miss out on things we were looking forward too. She would send us as young children on long bike rides to get rid of us, sometimes we weren’t allowed back in the house till dark. And she would keep my father in their room until 3pm in the afternoon during that time we were not allowed to go to the kitchen to eat, or to the bathroom as the noise might disturb her from sleeping in.

Women, take note, I was 2 until 17 with her like this, I remember things from when I was 2, I knew what she was doing then and I remember it clearly. These children will grow up to adults and when they do anything you’ve done to them YOU will feel the fool for! These days she sucks up to me like she loves me so much and she wants me to forget the past.

Please people, don’t get together with someone with children and parents don’t get together with anyone until your children are grown and can defend themselves – don’t let them be the next victims.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008):

You are normal. Alot of the people who replied either A) are parents or B) have never had Stepchildren. My step kids suck 1k/month in child support plus he bought a 3 bedroom apt do they could have own room, then he quit his job and I pay for it. His kids are LOUD and he does not get on to them and says I nag them and to leave them alone b/c all kids are loud. I too have thought about making a vodoo doll and sewing the mouths shut on it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008):

I'm going through something similar with my boyfriend. He has a crazy ex that won't leave us alone and uses their daughter as a way to control and manipulate him. It's gotten worse now that we have our own child. I think she feels threatened by our new baby and will do anything to break us up even though she has a b/f. I find myself hating his ex so much that it filters into me hating the daughter he had with her too. It's gotten to the point were i can't have her in my house b/c her face reminds me of her trashy mother. I have bad thoughts of making him chose b/w the daughter he had with her and my son and I. Sometimes i feel like i'm going to hell for having these awful thoughts.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008):

hunney it isnt easy being with a girl with kids or ideal i mean i wanna marry a gurl and have babies with her and everything, but ur messed up. wanting 2kill the babies...that's wrong.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008):

And for my THIRD post...lady, in ANY relationship, be it your own marriage or a relationship with a person who already has children, the kids ALWAYS come first. And that's how it should be. Children are the center of any family; parents should get along, yes, but the main focus on any family is on children.

The fact that your man doesn't recognize that poses serious problems. He is willing to ditch his kids for his mistress? (And yes, I am calling you his mistress.) What sort of family values or morals does this man have? Have you asked yourself that question? What makes you think that your "soulmate" wouldn't do the same for you? He did it to his legitimate wife, after all. You're next, honeybuns.

As I stated earlier, if you want a sustainable relationship with this man, then you are going to have welcome his kids into your life. And so will he. The fact that neither of you acknowledge the importance of family makes me think that this "romance" is no more than a meaningless little fling. That's it.

I'm not saying that you should live your life according to his ex's rules. So far, my boyfriend and I have no idea where our relationship is taking us, but I know that I wouldn't let that happen if I were to end up marrying my boyfriend.

But who knows, if we end up getting married, I plan on being an active part of his son's life. All of us celebrating Christmas, Easter, and even soccer games together. Will there be tension between me and his mother? To an extent, yes. But she's a good mom and a good person, and I can tell and appreciate that. I'm only 22, and I can see that.

So think about that. If you're unwilling to do all those things, then you are clearly not the "soulmate" of this man. I'm sure you can do better than a dead-beat Dad. Or maybe you can't.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008):

Beyond that (and yes, I'm posting something here twice), I think you need therapy. This much hate towards his legitimate wife and children when they have done nothing to you? Tension between you and the wife is understandable, but wanting the children dead? Woman, I think it is safe to say that you need to see a therapist. My boyfriend and I live in separate countries, and I adore my his child. If it were a choice between who has to die, me or him, I would raise my hand and jump off a cliff before anything happens to that beautiful baby boy. I think of him as one of my very own.

As for what others have mentioned about having a family, and so forth. These three children are going to be a part of the family that you plan on creating with this man. I don't care whether you like it or not, but that is going to be the case. Either get some therapy, accept and analyze the situation, accept these three under your roof with dignity and love, or meet someone else. But fantasizing about murdering kids? You belong in an insane asylum or jail.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008):

Lady, you have some serious issues. I am currently dating a guy (for three months) who was never married to the mother of his child, but cares about his son deeply and sees him every day. We live in different countries, and sometimes we can be absolutely romantic together, other times we fight like monsters. In the end, you're going to have to accept the fact that you were out of his orbit at that point in time--there is no point in being so past-oriented, it only creates extra problems. No relationship needs that.

I'm not going to lie to you and say that my boyfriend's ex doesn't make me insecure. She does. And I won't say that he doesn't make me feel insecure either. He does. But one thing that we've both learned is that there is no point in obsessing about what already happened. You have a relationship with this man now. Take it from there.

On a different note, the fact that your man does not see his kids says a lot about him. Falling out of love with his wife (or currently ex-wife) is one thing, but not seeing his kids is low, irresponsible, and unfair to his ex-wife and kids--all kids should have two good parents. Bear that in mind, please.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008):

I can kind of relate to how youre feeling because I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months and I hate his ex girlfriends sooo much and I lost my virginity to him and when ever I think about the two girls that he has sex with before me it makes me really sad and I cry almost everyday about it.

I have no idea why I feel this way because I do not know any of his ex girlfriends but I still hate every single one of them and I also wish they would die.

You probably feel this way because you love him so so so so much and you just want to have every little peice of him all to you, you dont want anyone else to love him because he is all yours and you dont want to share.

at least I think thats why I feel that way.

hope i helped :]

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (24 March 2008):

eyeswideopen agony auntLook at the date! Please leave old psycho posts in the dust! This one was truly a pain in the butt, trust me!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008):

I just read your profile. theres special words reserved for old men that go out with underage girls. I am not suprised by your question or your feelings given your age, go out with someone younger and less baggage

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008):

I totally agree with you. I hate my man's ex and his kids. He sees them once a week but not the ex. Just the kids. I want to torture the mother and kids and he's so calm about it telling me that seeing them once a week will end soon and its just a matter of time, only because his father wasnt there for him when he was a child so he doesnt want to make the mistake of not letting his 2 kids have the chance to know him. He was never married to the mother and never lived with her either...

I dont want to have anything to do with his kids and he says its ok, eventually they will be adults and live their own life where they really dont need a father figure. I still hate them with a passion. I think that the mother should think about abortion if she knew that a relationship with the father wasnt really there then to have sex just for fun...what a bitch!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008):

Well the reason I googled this subject is because I have developed a pathalogical hatred of my female partners 2 small children for NO good reason. The crazy thing is they like me. I just cannot reconsile the way the mother over indulges them. The kids may be spoilt little brats but it's not their fault and actually when I do spend time with them they calm down. Their mother is impossible and very stupid with her dealings with them. There are no parameters. The girl aged 6 has developed the art of witholding her stools and letting fly when the moment has the most impact either at school or when she does not want to do something. It's unbelievable. The boy 8 is a whining child who gets reactions by discussing unsavoury subjects like toilet behavior to virtual strangers and should be pulled up immediately. It's all down to the fact that the mother is an obsessive and spends much of her time micro analysing her life. She expects these children to understand long drawn out analytical discussions about their behaviour and in fact what they need is basic dicipline. I've raised 2 children as a single parent who are now at college. I was never draconian, just helpful but when no meant no I meant it. They are truly delightful now. Anyway, my thoughts really trouble me because it's not like me to reactin this way. As you probably have worked out I'm on my way out of this relationship but I'd really like to hear some views on this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008):

i can totally sympathise as i feel exactly the same about my partners ex and kids. we have been together 7years now and i still feel the same. its 2 the point now where he resents me 4 it. we r now in the process of buying seperate houses so i dont have 2 c them when he has them every other weekend. i hate feeling this bitterness thats eating me up inside but i know it wont go away. i just wish they didnt exsist! its more coman than u think 4 a woman not 2 b able 2 take on her partners kids.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007):

That sucks girl. My boyfriend has 2 kids and an ex wife thats still in the picture and it blows! You will never have this man to yourself. I hate his ex with a passion and his kids really get on my nerves. I hate when they are around. You will be much better off with a man for you, that you can marry and have your own kids with. Thats what you have to offer and you deserve that back. I know how you feel. Its hard, Ive been dealing with it and working on it, but it never changes. Whatever you do, dont get pregnant, trust me! I know you love him and are already involved and its hard, but you should run like hell and wait for your man!! save yourself the drama and the pain and the misery

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007):

Okay, you knew he had kids. He might be able to leave his wife (this is a different point altogether but doesn't reflect to well on you.) but never his kids.

If you get involved with someone who has kids, be prepared to always be second compared to them.

Deal with it! Your not as important as them and you never will be.

And if you can't deal with it and leave. Then i think that says everything someone should know about you. Breaking up a home for your own selfish reasons. (And no, that's not a compliment despite anyway you choose to take it)

Some people like you really don't care what you do as long as your happy. Your very sad.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007):

No, it's not weird that you hate your boyfriend's kids. My boyfriend has two children that live with us all day, every day. Originally, they didn't. As soon as we moved in together, they just started coming over more and more and now they live here. I'm always pissed because I feel like I was never asked how I feel about it. Also, they are pretty much the worst children that ever existed. They lie, steal, fight. It makes me sick. They ar exactly like their mother who is also a criminal. However, it is something I either have to deal with or get out. And I'm in the process of getting out. Bottom line is the kids will always be there and there is nothing you can do about it. I reccommed single people to not date people with children. you need to be on the same level and your significant level and no matter how much you wished they would disapear, they absolutely will not.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2007):

I feel the same way as most females who have posted. I have been dating a great guy for 3 years and I hate hate the thought of kids. I tried to go along with it in the beggining but I just cant stand it anymore. I refuse to have anything to do with his kids. I quit going to their events and I dont allow them to come to the house if I am home. I dont know what my problem is either. I get angry even thinking about them. I do know that my boyfriend does everything to keep me happy but seems like he would choose them over me at the drop of a hat if they need something. I hate it. What can a person do??

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007):

I hate the fact my boyfriend has 2 kids! Its terrible. They are really sweet kids, but they are still young and who knows how they will turn out. I look at them and see his ex and it makes me wanna vomit. Sometimes I feel like leaving him because I can't handle him having kids with someone else. i feel lost.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007):

oh my god what is wrong with you all? It IS normal to resent his ex and kids but you haven't done them any harm it's just an expression of your inner feelings. They certainly do see you as the reason things have changed in their life and this will cause difficulties for you all but, ffs, all those who villify you and call you a freak should just back off and join the human race. They don't know what his ex and kids have done, said, encouraged etc and it is different in every situation. Persevere and trust will see you through and even if you don't get the resuly you hope for you can move on knowing you gave t your best shot. I wish you ALL happiness x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2007):

I have been with my boyfriend for two years and I still can't get close to his two daughters. Every time I see them it's like I'm looking at their mum and thoughts of my boyfriend and his ex wife together really get me down. He never has a bad word to say about is ex and always defends anything negative I say about her. His youngest daughter who's 12 would do anything to split us up, she left her very large school bag at his house the day me and her dad were going on holiday and made him take it to her school thinking we would miss our flight and moans if me and her dad are going out anywhere without her. They live with there mum and he sees them every other weekend and once during the week. Both the girls ignore me when I'm in their company and we never talk, I find it very un comfortable trying to get them to talk to me I end up going home feeling so fed up. I love my boyfriend very much but I don't think me and the girls will ever be close. My boyfriend wants me to buy a house with him but this is never going to happen if he listens to what his girls think of me living with their dad.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2007):

lets hope you never have kids with him then as they say what goes around comes around. I just hope you are never left in charge of these kids you dont sound mentally stable at all. I bet you are the sort who tries to stop him seeing his kids. They will blame you when they are teenagers if you last that long and he hasnt moved onto the next one, so good luck with that.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2007):

i am going through sorta the same thing and i feel the same way about my boyfriends kid from a previous relationship. for the first almost year of our relationship he didn't see them or talk to them but they're coming around now wanting him to be a part of their life and i hate it. i dont want to see her or his kid. ugh.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007):

normal. normal. normal. i felt the same way initially. now...i have compassion for the child, as i see she is simply a product of her mum, as she is the custodial parent. i feel more like the child's big sister, protecting her from the parental bully. now, my issue...is simply the mom. i feel hate for her. i find myself not wanting her to be happy. and although i do realize that the problem is in my head...we must sometimes seek answers outside ourselves, when we're having a hard time finding them inside. emotions sure can mask wisdom huh. i have no answers. but thankful that this is very common. maybe we need a support group: girlfriends of boyfriends with bratty ex-wives and kids. maybe a mantra for the road. let us know how it goes.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007):

i broke up my boyfriends marriage too...he has 2 kids. ive been with him 6 yrs and he hasnt re-married yet, like he promised. his kids are so annoying, they r growing up to be just like their mom...UGH! i hate their mom, and i fear i will start hating the kids too eventually...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007):

you are normal

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007):

Simple biology; they're competitors for his resources that you want to support the children you want to have with him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007):

I hope by now he is divorced. I am engaged and living with a man who's divorce took _FIVE_ years! He also has three children. Now that the divorce is final she is dragging him back to court for MORE support. She called at least once a week and emailed him constantly -- a real drama mama. When his children did visit (two are teens) she would call on their cells for updates about what I fed them, etc. I hate her but I refuse to let her live rent free in OUR world. Hope you do the same.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007):

Been there done that. This man will only hurt you and ruin your life. He will live with you and be like a parasite. The woman and kids will always be part of him and he will always love them even if you got pregnant. You will see then he will leave you and give only support to his previous family.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007):

There is no way you had a happy childhood home yourself. Did you Father leave you and your Mom too? Is this payback? Do you secretly hate yourself and are projecting this onto his innocent children? Are you resentful that his children are so beautiful and innocent and you never felt you had that yourself?

All that you have said screams you have issues and rather than entertaining such dark, morbid, evil thoughts-work out what the real problems are.

Jealousy in small doses is human, but to go to extremes because you hurt so much and are afraid to be abandoned...you should indentify with his children and yet you don't? Why is that you think? Your jealousy, hatered, resentment, anger is unhealthy period.

Do you cut yourself? Do you go into rages? Do you sulk and throw temper tantrums when he isn't supportive of you? Does he hug and reassure you? Does he represent all the love you felt you never had? What happens should he leave? Will you act your thoughts out?

It may be unkind how others have stated that you need professional help but come on...I don't care what group you hang with it's just not cool to think such vile, violent, destructive thoughts about others so snap out of it and save yourself, love yourself.

Seek counselling.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007):

my god i know how you feel, mine has three kids (one being handicapped) i feel the same way, that mental picture we get in our heads, i dread when they come over because they make a mess and i am so sick of cleaning, i have no kids and i have lived alone for a long time and now i am living with him and i am having a hard time when they come, your not a bad person, for thinking this way but you have to make a choice, you stay and take it or leave, there is no other solution.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2007):

I am in the SAME SITUATION!! People need to understand that just because he has kids with someone does not mean that he has to spend the rest of his life with her. Girl, you are only looking out for yourself. You would be foolish to not think of yourself and feel threatened. As much as it sucks, be supportive. He's going through hell too but remember, he's with you and he's showing you that he cares. If all else fails, take your hearts warning and pursue yourself if youre not happy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2006):

i feel the same way

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2006):

get over it or it will ruin your life. He's with you now anyway, not them

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2006):

how can u say things like that you don't even no them and just cause he says he was unhappy doesn't mean it was there fault imagine how those poor kids feel losing there father it makes me sick that he cuts all contact with them why go and have kids with someone if he's going to do that for godsake.

And as for you how u said you hate the kids they done nothing wrong imagine how they must feel knowing that there dad left them for you i mean what did they ever do to you i'm sorry to say this bit i think your just jelous that he already has a family who he should be trying to take care of instead of being a selfish bastard who just

ABANDONDED'S his children and you need to grow up and just accept it or hit the road.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2006):

I'm with a guy that used to be married and has 2 kids. I wasn't the reason for their separation, but ever since we met, his ex is a monster to me. She says mean things to the kids, and they blabber it on when they`re with us, like: when you`re pregnant I`ll call my mom and her friends and we`ll beat you up...

You´Re very selfish, you destroyed a family and "hate" what you`ve destroyed. Be ashamed of yourself, AND BE satisfied with what you've got.

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A female reader, *deadrainbowpixie* +, writes (2 February 2006):

*deadrainbowpixie* is verified as being by the original poster of the question

*deadrainbowpixie* agony auntWow, I'm a psycho. Thanks for the compliment - not sure it was meant as one, but that's how I'm taking it :]

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A female reader, willywombat United Kingdom +, writes (2 February 2006):

willywombat agony auntYou have some serious problems, why would you be so vitriolic towards people who have never hurt you but you have actually hurt in the past? What is going on in your head? I feel for the man you are with who left a stable family life for an individual who fantasizes about murdering his kids! Go see your Gp and confess you are having *weird* thoughts and get sorted.

Jeez x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006):

You are a scarey nutter who needs help. NOW

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006):

He WILL leave you if you try to come between he and his kids. I agree with 'eyeswideopen', you DO sound pretty much psycho to me too. "Dead and dismembered"? Sheesh!

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A female reader, *deadrainbowpixie* +, writes (2 February 2006):

*deadrainbowpixie* is verified as being by the original poster of the question

*deadrainbowpixie* agony auntOh shut up! You're here to HELP people, not say things like that and make everything worse!! Grrrrr!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2006):

You'll be dealing with the kids and the ex-wife for the rest of your life or until he runs off with someone else, whichever comes first.

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A female reader, *deadrainbowpixie* +, writes (1 February 2006):

*deadrainbowpixie* is verified as being by the original poster of the question

*deadrainbowpixie* agony auntIf someone else comes along, he'll do the same thing to me?? I don't think so. He's a really lovely man, and I trust him when he says he loves me, and will never leave me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me - get married and have a child.... I just cant stop hating his kids and ex wife! Maybe because its been 20 months since he left his wife for me, and their divorce STILL hasnt gone through - she's being a right cow about it and is being difficult. Maybe once its all finalized, I'll beable to forget about her and them kids. I hope! :]

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2006):

my friend is going through the same thing and like I told her (he see's his kids) those kids have done nothing to you. What you are going through is selfishness, and you need to find a man that has never been married with out kids so you two can start a family together, and plus if he left his wife and KIDS for you, just think if someone else comes along he will do the say to you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2006):

I know how ur feeling as im in the same situation my partner is 30 b4 we met he was married for 4 five years and has 3 kids.at first it didnt seem to bother me but further on in the relationship i started to feel jealous wenever his kids came to visit.he still sees them now and obviously still has contact with his ex wife as his kids are only young.

its fine to feel hate towards them its ur way of jealousy but if he doesnt see them this feeling will pass the way to think is he's with u now and thats all that counts as long as you dont do what u did in ur diary things should be fine !!good luck

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A female reader, *deadrainbowpixie* +, writes (14 January 2006):

*deadrainbowpixie* is verified as being by the original poster of the question

*deadrainbowpixie* agony auntOh, nice! Straight jacket sounds fun though! ^-^

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (13 January 2006):

eyeswideopen agony auntYou are a psycho home-wrecker who badly needs medication and a straight jacket and that's just for starters.

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