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Why do I get so turned off after sexual contact?

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Question - (9 September 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 13 September 2018)
A male United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I am male and am 21 years old. I'm currently on the dating scene but whenever I'm with someone it seems to be that I am lusting them and after it gets any further I get an immense feeling to be with them sexually, then after any sexual contact is over I get a genuine dissatisfaction about what has just happened (only after it's over) and get severely turned off both sexually and with the girl I am dating, until I have left it a few days and then I am back to normal. I don't want to mess girls around with how I feel about them, but is this normal (or is it due to not taking things slower) and will it be resolved when I find the one - because I don't want her to fall through my fingers. My friends say that I should take things slower with girls and properly date and get to know them first, but I don't want to be boring and put the brakes on when none of the girls I am dating want things to go slowly. So I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice why I'm feeling like this and could offer any tips - thanks!

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (13 September 2018):

N91 agony auntBecause you’ve claimed the ‘conquest’.

You did what you came to do and had sex with the girl. What use do you have for her now? The majority of young males have the same mindset. I did when I was your age and I’d be damn sure that most of my friends did also.

It sounds pretty clear that you don’t want a relationship or you would have no problem slowing things down, dating a girl properly and getting to know them before hopping into bed. Instead you’re going in full steam ahead, bedding the girl and then you’re sat twiddling your thumbs thinking ‘what now?’. Well there is nothing next, you’ve got what you wanted out of the situation so you discard them and you’re onto the next.

You say you don’t want to hurt anyone? Yet that’s exactly what you’re doing. Do you think the majority of girls want to be fucked then be ignored afterwards? I’d say for a younger, immature guy this is normal. Like I said, I have been there, all I was interested in was having sex with anyone that was willing and I look back now and it seems stupid. You don’t gain anything from it, it’s not impressive, you just become empty and I find it hard to show feelings because I never practiced that when I was younger, only now am i working on that whilst in a committed relationship which I can vouch for being better than having meaningless sex with any amount of girls. It seriously is pointless.

Now I’m not saying, hop into a relationship right now. You will be ready for it when the time comes, but in future, I would be VERY CLEAR with females what you want out of the situation. That you aren’t looking for a relationship and then THEY can decide whether they want out or not. I think it’s extremely selfish to start chatting to someone, get them into bed and then bail out and that’s coming from someone who’s done all that. I look back on how many people I must of hurt over the years being childish and it’s not a great thought.

There are many girls out there that aren’t looking for anything serious either and those are the girls you should be pursuing right now until you’re ready for a relationship. Stop thinking with your dick and think with your brain. I’m pretty certain in saying that you will have something like this happen to you one day where it will fuck you up good and proper and you’ll understand the pain that you cause to these young ladies that you fuck and chuck. I did and it made me realise what I was doing was pointless and that I was ready for something serious.

Enjoy your youth but just do it with more tactfulness. Remember it’s not just YOUR feelings that are involved during sexual encounters. As Andie said, you’re not on the dating scene, you’re describing casual sex. Dating involves talking girls out and getting to know them on an intellectual level and you’re doing neither.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2018):

You seem genuinely concerned and I think that's a good start of a young man who wants to do the right thing. The right thing would be to do as your friends have suggested and the people here. I must let you in on a wee secret, us girlies get turned off by quick sex too. Its such a turn off. If it starts off as dick and fanny love where can it go from there? Its not love or respect and that's what we all desire. Gods great condition!

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (11 September 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou rush things. Maybe you're realising that sex is all you're getting because it's all you're offering.

1) Lust is normal, but you don't have to act on it. Learn some self-control. If they throw themselves at you, assume sex is all they want and move on.

2) What you describe isn't dating, it's casual hook ups. You're not "on the dating scene"; you're on the "free sex" scene.

3) Having a few sex-free days in a row is normal and healthy; it's being severely turned off for a few days that's odd. It could be because the novelty of waiting for sex is over and you remember you're in the same cycle of pointless sex, rather than actual dating and getting to know someone.

The best tip is to wait 2+ months of actual dating before any sexual contact past kissing. You *can* do it; it's just whether or not you *choose* to. Stop rushing things.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 September 2018):

You're practicing to be a douche-bag. You don't think above your crotch. You've never tapped into your feelings, and that makes you a tool.

You focus too much on having sex, and not on the girl.

Insecure-girls move too fast, and will throw themselves at you; because they think giving you what you want will make you want them. Those girls aren't too smart; and are usually the type most likely to get messed-around. Some just want to throw away their virginity and see what sex is like. You seem to prefer that type. They seem disposable.

You haven't practiced being nice to a girl. Romancing her, and making her feel respected. You use them like a blow-up doll, and don't really get your heart into it.

Like your friends tell you. Slow-down, and be nice to them. Resist, even if they try to rush into sex. That's how some think they can manipulate you; and will lay claims on you. If she gives you sex, consider yourself her boyfriend. She thinks!

Use the head up-top. You've used the smaller one too much already.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (10 September 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI think your friends are right. You should take your time to get to know a girl. There is nothing wrong in waiting and maybe if you had genuine feelings involved with a girl you would feel differently. You are still young so don't put pressure on yourself. Just get to know a girl on a much more personal level and let feelings develop.

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